Chapter 51
fifty-one
Perfect timing. Lou. The friend Cait’s passing off as an ex-boyfriend. At first, I asked if he was her boyfriend as a joke, but when she outright lied, I played along to see how far she would take it. It’s like she subconsciously knew it would kill me.
The first time I saw them together, I had a heart attack.
And when he kissed her on the cheek, I saw red.
Thankfully, Linden got me up to speed. That should be enough to settle my shit, but seeing her with any guy twists my heart.
Maybe I’m jealous of any person who’s lucky enough to orbit her world, or maybe he represents what I’ll never be.
At the sight of him, I slam the door and head straight for my bedroom. I drag a duffel bag from the closet and toss it on the bed. It’s not long before I’m packed and hurrying outside. Shelby will be pissed when she finds out, but I need to get the fuck out of town.
I call Linden to tell him to meet me. When my taxi stops at Grayson & Wade’s building, he’s already waiting at the curb, wearing a perturbed expression. I roll down the cab’s window.
“So it went well, huh?” He leans in, peering inside.
“Give me the damn keys.”
“Try not to get too fucked up.” He tosses them in my lap and steps back like I’m about to explode.
“Go,” I tell the driver.
Linden shakes his head, watching us drive away. Meddling asshole.
By afternoon, I’m in Linden and Viv’s apartment in New York City.
Stepping inside, I release my duffel from my grip and it drops to the floor.
I head straight for the bar, select a bottle of Jack, and plant my ass on the sofa.
With my teeth, I twist off the top, and spit it across the room.
After a long swig, I open a video of Cait on my phone, press the Play button, and prop it against a leather box sitting on the coffee table.
As I watch us on vacation in Miami Beach, I tell myself it’s over.
We’re done. If I pretend we broke up, maybe I can survive this like any other relationship.
People do this all the time. Why should I be any different?
For the first time in years, I let myself mourn that she’s out of my life.
Something I never allowed myself to do before now.
Giving in to the sorrow, I break down. I spent so many years hating myself for making the wrong decisions, and now I can be done with her and us.
The more I drink, the easier the idea of moving on becomes.
I drink until I fall on my side and the video’s too blurry to see.
The empty bottle slips from my grasp and falls to the floor.
Darkness that’s been eating away at me for years finally overtakes me.
After several days of bingeing to forget us, I groan as a ringing cell wakes me up. The annoying sound radiates between my ears, rattling my brain. The taste of vomit sours my tongue. I sit upright and pinch my aching forehead. Mercifully, the ringing stops.
But now I’m awake and remember what happened. If I didn’t hate myself enough before, I do now. God, I’m a fucking asshole. Why couldn’t I have stayed away from her?
The phone rings again.
“Fuck.” I reach for the cell to decline the call but accidentally press the Accept button instead.
A whiny little mouse voice bitches me out at a mile a minute on the other end.
Shelby. I turn on the speaker, allowing the full force of her rage to fill the room as I face-plant back into a pillow. Horizontal is better than vertical.
“And how dare you leave me in the lurch again! I’ve got a mind to kick your skinny ass to the curb. I can’t work like this, you lovesick, dumb-shit, crooked-dick, no-good, cactus-ass, classless sack of nut juice. You don’t deserve a best friend like me. You deserve no friends.”
“Cactus ass?” I slur with my cheek pressed into a pillow. My lips twitch in search of a smile. Gotta love this lady.
“I’m one hundred percent confident in my assessment. Shall I continue?”
“Only if you want me to hang up.”
“Where are you?” she asks, her anger cooling a bit.
“Far away from your cactus-ass-kicking foot.”
She huffs. “When are you coming back?”
“What’s the answer you want?”
“Evan!” Her anger is back—rightfully. “You realize some of us don’t have the luxury to run off when things get hard?
We have to stay and fight our fights, all while showing up to work and pretending everything is okay.
I’m trying to be understanding, but you keep letting me down when I need you most. This business of ours is all I have. I’m working toward my dreams.”
I blow out a breath, taking in Shelby’s concerns, my hangover suddenly on the back burner.
“You’re right. I’m an asshole. You’ve been my rock, and you deserve so much more than I’m giving you. I’m sorry.”
The phone line goes quiet, and I think I’ve already lost her. “Shel?”
“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”
I chuckle, but it hurts my head. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
I continue, “You told me not to tell her.”
“Did you?”
“No.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“I want to.”
That’s the root of everything that’s gone wrong.
It has been since the day Cait left. I’ve wanted to tell her, but Linden talked me out of it for her sake.
Her parents stopped me for their hate, and eventually I stopped myself because it was too late.
What I’m starting to understand is that one night to say good-bye won’t extinguish my love for her.
I’m not going to magically stop giving a shit.
If I were, it would have already happened.
“So tell her. Be done with it. Whatever happens, happens. At least you’ll know she knows.
You deserve some peace too. It’s not only about her.
” Shelby pauses. “It’s not like you haven’t suffered too.
I never understood all your crazy quirks until you explained, but now I do.
How many times have you jumped out of your skin because of a loud noise?
You thought they were gunshots. How many times have we gone to a restaurant and you insisted on having your back against the wall?
How many times have you scanned the hands of the people around you?
You were looking for guns. In your dreams, how many times have you seen your best friend die in your arms?
You need closure, Evan. And after you get it, maybe you can be whatever the hell normal is for you. ”
I listen to Shelby in silence. I’ve done all those things, even searched enclosed rooms for ways to escape. I’ve spent years replaying the events in my mind, wondering what I could have done differently to change the outcome.
If only I had stayed home and made love to Cait instead of working.
If only I had left early to find her in the park.
If only I had arrived at the square sooner.
If only I could have found the gunman and stopped him myself.
In every one of these alternate scenarios, Steph and all the others would still be alive, and Cait and I would have a different life right now. We’d be together and married.
When I hang up with Shelby, that’s when I decide to take a different path, like I should have long ago.
The one I’ve wanted to take all along, where I’m not always sacrificing myself for Cait’s needs.
It’s time to place everything in front of her so she can make her own decisions without me choosing for her.
If I do, there will be no more secrets to keep, and no more excuses for me to hide behind.
I take some time to pull myself together, and then I do something insane.
I drive to her parents’ house.