Chapter 14
“S o, what do you think of the campus?” I asked my mom as we took a break in one of the gardens.The weather was perfect to finally show her around Stanford’s campus. She was feeling up to it after her chemo appointment, so we walked around the grounds while I acted like a professional tour guide, giving her all the highlights.
“It’s absolutely beautiful here. I can see why you love it,” she said as we sat down on one of the benches near the live oak trees.
“How are you feeling?” I asked for about the hundredthtime that afternoon. “If you’re too tired, we can head back.”
“No, I just need to sit for a few minutes. You can give me a lecture on this bench and its historical significance though, if you like.”
“In 1891, Leland Stanford himself sat on this very bench…”
She laughed and closed her eyes, leaning her head back to let the sun hit her face. I watched as she unwrapped the scarf from her newly shaved head. She was handling the chemo treatments better and better. However, after the fourthor fifthround, she started to lose her hair, so I helped her shave it off one afternoon. We shopped around and got a few wigs, but she mostly wore head scarves, saying the wigs were too itchy.
She didn’t seem bothered by the hair loss, so I didn’t dwell on it. As long as she was here with me, nothing else really mattered.
The smell of fresh flowers and the cool breeze on my skin gave me a feeling of such serenity. I was basking in it until I looked over to see my mom watching me.
“Can I tell you something you might not want to hear?” she asked.
“What is it?” I asked cautiously.
“This place suits you.”
“This bench?” I pointed to it, smirking.
“California,” she said seriously. “This job, this place, your friends. You’re different here.”
My brows pinched together. “What do you mean?”
“You were always so restless in New York. Jumping from one project to the next. You never felt settled,” she said. “But here… you just seem content.”
Where was this coming from?
There was no denying that I enjoyed a lot about my new life in California, but it wasn’t home.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that everything about my life looked completely different here. Teaching had been something I never in a million years thought I’d be able to pull off, so I’d been shocked to find that not only was I able to pull it off, I actually looked forward to it each week. I’d made some real connections with the students, and my writing had never been better.
I’d pitched a few songs to different artists that I thought might be good fits for their records, and the feedback had been amazing. Many of them had asked for me to come out and help with the production, but I hadn’t been able to get away with my mom’s treatment course. Production could be a grueling process, so I had to admit I wasn’t exactly heartbroken about not being involved with that side of things. I was more than happy to stay put and fuel my creative outlet from a distance.
The friendships I had here were also nothing like the ones I’d left behind in New York. Back home, most of my relationships were built around business, and the conversations rarely strayed from work. But with Sarah and Lionel, there were no strings attached, just easy, effortless fun. And something about the friendships I’d made with Lex and Stuart felt more like family than anything else. I would have dinner with them most nights if they didn’t have to work too late, and the time I spent with them felt comfortable and familiar, as if we’d known each other for much longer than a few months. All that being said, hearing my mom say those words out loud made me feel defensive of my old life in New York.
“I know you have your roots there,” Mom said, pulling me out of my train of thought. “And I know it would be hard to give up because of how much Daddy loved it, but I want you to think about it.”
“Think about what, exactly?” I could already feel my guard going up.
“About making this your permanent home.”
I scoffed at the idea.
“All I’m saying is to think about it.”
I didn’t need to think about it. When she got better, we were going back to New York. Unless… maybe that was the problem. Maybe she was the one who didn’t want to leave.
“Do you not want to go back to New York?” I asked.
“I can make a home anywhere,” she said with a shrug. “It’s you I’m thinking of.”
She was right about that. You could drop her anywhere in the world and she’d be perfectly content, but I still wasn’t convinced this was all about me.
An errant thought suddenly and irrationally crossed my mind. She’d told me her neighbor who was always helping out around the house had asked her on a date earlier in the week, and she had accepted.
I had met him once after I dropped her off from her chemo appointment a couple of weeks ago. He seemed like a really nice guy and looked at my mom like she hung the moon. I’d teased her mercilessly about it, but I was actually thrilled that she had finally taken that step. It was long overdue.
But now that I was being confronted with leaving New York behind, suspicion about her true motives burrowed its way into my mind.A sudden wave of anger came over me, and I blurted out what I was thinking. “Is this about Carl, mom?” That serene feeling I was having was now smashed to bits. “Are you so in love now, you don’t want to leave?”
“Hadley,” she said reproachfully.
That was all she needed to say. I immediately felt like shit.
“I know. I’m sorry,” I said, already regretting it. I knew I crossed the line, but I was feeling protective of the life we had in New York. My whole childhood—memories with my dad, with us as a family—they were all in New York.
“You and I have already planned a trip to go back during the Christmas holidays. New York will always be there,” she said, putting her arm around me. “This doesn’t have to mean what you think it does.”
It was so difficult for me to wrap my mind around what she was saying. New York felt like such a huge part of my identity. Even thinking about leaving it behind was painful. It felt like a betrayal for reasons I couldn’t quite put into words.
“You want to grab some coffee?” I asked, trying to avoid talking about this subject any further.
“Sure,” she said with a smile. I could tell I was already forgiven for my outburst.
We walked over to Peet’s and ordered our coffees. As I looked over my shoulder to find a place to sit, I spotted Lex and Stuart walking in together. Lex smiled when he saw me, and the breath I’d just taken got caught somewhere in my chest. He had never been generous with his smiles, so this one took me by surprise. I became even more distracted when I noticed he was wearing his glasses. I stood there staring at him awkwardly for a few moments, preoccupied by how good he looked in them.
When I was finally able to drag my gaze away from Lex’s face, I noticed Stuart standing next to him, his eyes sparkling with mischief when he caught sight of my mom. I wished they could meet under different circumstances since our little spat was still weighing on me, but it was too late now. They were walking over to us.
“Mom, these are the guys I was telling you about,” I said when they finally reached us.“This is Stuart Benowitz.”
I introduced him first since he had practically jumped in front of Lex to extend his hand to my mom.
“It’s so nice to meet you, Stuart,” my mom said, taking his hand.
Instead of a quick handshake, he held her hand in his. “Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Olivier,” he said with one eyebrow arched. “It’s clear where Hadley gets her ravishing good looks.”
My eyes rolled around involuntarily in my head.
“You should’ve seen me with hair,” my mom replied.
Lovely . I wasn’t sure this could get any weirder.
“I don’t know. I think this look works for you. It’s definitely working for me,” he said, still not letting go of her hand.
Guess it could get weirder.
My mom laughed, not bothered in the least with how forward Stuart was acting. “Outside Demi Moore, I’m not sure many women can pull off the bald look.”
“Hey now.” He patted her hand with his free one. “Will Smith wouldn’t allow that kind of talk and neither will I.”
She smiled even wider. “I think I’m being charmed against my will.”
“Okay, that’s enough, Stuey.” I pulled him away from her. He grumbled a little as Lex was finally able to step forward.
“Mom, this is Alexsander Strovinski.” I got a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach as I introduced the two of them.I told myself it was because I wanted her to like all of my new friends, but I knew deep down there was more to it with this particular friend.
“The scientist,” she said inscrutably. He nodded and smiled at her.
“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Ms. Olivier,” Lex said politely as they shook hands. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“Likewise.” She turned her head slightly, examining him. I thought she might still be holding a grudge from the time I told her I didn’t think he liked me very much.
“Do you two gentlemen have time to join us for coffee?” she asked.
They glanced quickly at one another, which told me they definitely didn’t.But Lex smiled and said, “Of course.”
“Wonderful!” my mom said excitedly.
As she turned to find a table, I said to Lex, “You don’t have to do this. I know you guys are busy.”
“We have some time,” he said, not meeting my eyes. I knew he was lying, but I didn’t argue any further as they got their coffees and we sat down at a table together—Lex and Stuart on one side, my mom and I on the other.
“Boys, Hadley has already told me so much about you, but I must know more.” She absolutely loved meeting new people.
“Fire away. We’re open books,” Stuart said, leaning back in his chair.
“First, I want to know why you chose Alzheimer’s to study.”
Hell of a first question , I thought. No “How’s your day going?” or “Where you from?”
Stuart took it in stride. “I’m just along for the ride. You’ll have to ask Lex about that one.”
All eyes turned to Lex. I realized I was actually curious to hear his answer.
He took a sip of his drink before responding. “I couldn’t think of anything worse." His fingertip traced the lid of his cup. "It’s one thing for your body to fail you, but the mind seemed like a far greater loss to me,” he said almost shyly. “I hope that doesn’t come off as insensitive. I realize it’s a terrible thing you’re going through.”
He looked at my mom apologetically.
“Not at all!” she said. “I couldn’t agree more. I’d choose this fate any day over a disease like Alzheimer’s.”
Stuart leaned over to me and said, “Well that got deep pretty quick.”
“Buckle up. She’s just getting started,” I told him.
My mom ignored that last comment. “Did you always want to be scientists?”
“Not really,” Stuart answered. “I was just always good at chemistry, so I got my degree in it. I didn’t know what I was going to do after I graduated, but I ended up seeing an advertisement for this job. I’ve been a part of Lex’s team ever since. Luckily, I enjoy this work.”
“That’s so lovely,” my mom said. “You’ve been friends and coworkers all this time.”
“Don’t forget roommates as well.” I smiled sweetly at Stuart. He shielded my mom from the middle finger he was giving me behind a napkin holder.
“What about you, Alexsander?” she asked. “Did you always know you wanted to be a scientist?”
“Yes,” he nodded. There was a chord of intensity in his voice as he said, “I’ve always been someone who was sure of what they wanted.”
His eyes shifted to me, and our gaze locked for a brief moment. In those few seconds, I felt the overwhelming urge to reach over and touch him. If we’d been sitting on the same side of the table, I don’t know if I would have been able to stop myself. I got lost looking into the clear brightness of those whiskey-colored eyes that seemed to burn even brighter behind the lens of his glasses. He blinked rapidly, and I snapped out of it, suddenly finding the lid of my coffee cup fascinating.
“Well, you two have that in common,” my mom said as she scrutinized us both. “Hadley knew from a very young age that she wanted to be involved in music.”
I turned to her and smirked. “I may have had a little encouragement along the way.”
My mom laughed. “That’s true. My husband, James, was teaching her to play the piano before she could even walk.”
“Probably should have stuck with the basics before moving on to piano playing,” I said. “I still struggle with not tripping over my own two feet.”
“I couldn’t tear you away,” she said, smiling. “Not that I wanted to. Even at that age, it was clear you were gifted.”
I chuckled. “Your opinion might be a bit biased.”
“It absolutely is not,” she said defiantly before turning to Lex and Stuart. “Has she ever played for you?”
“No, but we’ve heard her sing,” Lex said in a low voice. I glanced over to see him looking at me in a way that made me feel… edgy.
“Isn’t she incredible?” my mom said proudly. “You should have seen James and I’s faces when our five-year-old belted out“Proud Mary”in perfect pitch one evening after dinner.”
“‘Proud Mary?’” Stuart gave me a questioning look.
“What’s wrong with that?” I asked.
“Nothing. I just can’t think of many five-year-olds who are into soul music.”
“My dad loved it,” I explained. I can’t remember a time when there wasn’t music playing in our house growing up. He especially loved classic rock and old R&B.
“Are you boys into music at all?” my mom asked them.
“Actually, Lex is a huge Cher enthusiast, and I happen to be a big fan of dubstep,” Stuart said. “Have you ever heard of Skrillex?”
“I can’t say that I have,” my mom said, sounding genuinely interested.
“Did Hadley get any of her musical abilities from you?” Lex asked, interrupting Stuart before he got carried away on a dubstep tangent.My name on his lips had some unmentionable parts of me standing at attention.
“Oh no! I wish.” She guffawed. “No, I was the odd man out in my house. Hadley got all her talent from her father. He was an amazing singer and musician. It’s the reason I fell in love with him… Well that, and he was great in bed.”
Stuart nearly had a spit-take as he grabbed a napkin and started coughing up the sip he’d just taken. I laughed, shaking my head. I looked over to see Lex smiling as well.
When Stuart finally recovered, he asked, “How did he die, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Drug overdose,” she said as casually as if she were announcing the time. They both froze mid-sip and were looking at me, trying to gauge my reaction, but I was used to this. She wasn’t ashamed of anything. Lex already knew this piece of information, but he appeared tense as his eyes worked over my face.
“He was really a remarkable guy. Very talented. And the kindest man you could ever meet… but he had his demons,” my mom continued despite everyone’s uncomfortable reaction. “James was a great husband and an even better father. And there was no one he loved more than Hadley. He would have done anything for her.”
“Except quitting drugs.” It slipped out before I had the chance to think about what I was saying.
“Shit… sorry guys,” I said when I saw the looks on their faces. It was a stupid thing to say. I wasn’t sure I even meant it. I think I was still feeling off after the disagreement my mom and I had earlier. We rarely argued and talking about my dad now felt like we were picking at the wound we had opened earlier with the New York discussion.
“Don’t worry about it,” Stuart said, waving me off.
Lex didn’t say anything but was looking at me with his eyebrows pinched together, seeming concerned.
“Hadley, you know that’s not true,” my mom said, looking just as concerned.
“I know,” I told her. “I said it without thinking. I didn’t mean it.”
The way everyone was looking at me in this moment, like I needed a “handle with care” stamp on my forehead made me want to run out of this place as fast as possible.
“Mom, the guys are really busy. They need to get back to work.”
I looked to them pleadingly, hoping they wouldn’t argue. They picked up on my subtle dismissal and stood with their coffees to leave.
I mentally kicked myself the whole way back to the car.
“You want to talk about it?” my mom asked once we were inside the vehicle.
I shook my head. “Not right now.”
She didn’t push me on it, and we drove back to her home mostly in silence. I dropped her off and spent the rest of the evening alone. Stuart had texted to invite me over for dinner, but I ignored him. I knew he was probably worried about me because he texted a few more times to check on me, so I told him I was fine, and that I was just going to bed early.
I didn’t know what was bugging me exactly. I was feeling out of sync with everyone around me, and now more than ever, I wished I had my dad to talk to about it.