Chapter 18
“A re you going to tell me what’s been going on with you?” my mom asked, picking up on my sour mood as we waited in the exam room for Dr. Gremillion. It had been a few weeks since that awful night, and things between Lex and I had changed dramatically. I still had dinner with them most evenings, but he seemed resigned to keep things cordial and nothing more. If anything was going on between us before that night, it was officially dead in the water now. That realization was weighing on me a lot more than I ever thought it would.
“Nothing’s going on. I’m just tired,” I answered.
“You know you can tell me,” she said, clearly not believing me. “I promise to keep my opinions to myself.”
I grinned. “I don’t know if you’re physically capable of that,” I replied, and she narrowed her eyes at me.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell her. I just knew the moment I said it out loud, I would have to admit to myself that things were over, and I wasn’t ready.
“Hello, ladies,” Dr. Gremillion said, entering the room with my mom’s chart.
“Hey doc,” my mom greeted. “How’s everything looking?”
I waited for his usual “things are looking great” speech that he’d given each time we’d come before, but my heart sank as he paused before looking up at us.
“I’ll cut right to the chase. Your numbers look worrisome this month, Ms. Olivier. They had been on a steady decline since we began the treatment, which is what we expected to see,” he stated. “But now they’ve more than doubled in a month’s time. I’m afraid the chemo has stopped working.”
My mind and body no longer felt connected. I seemed to be having trouble staying grounded in the room and in reality itself. It felt like a dream… a bad one that I’d wake up from any moment now.
“We can try upping the dosage and frequency of the chemo, but the reality is your body has stopped responding to it.” I stared at him, waiting for him to say this was some colossal joke. “Your cancer is so rare that most of the other traditional treatment options would just be a Band-Aid for the larger problem at hand. There isn’t much else we can do at this point.”
“I understand,” my mom said softly. I’d felt suspended in mid-air up until that moment, but hearing her say those words brought me crashing back down to the ground. The anger flared in me, scorching through my veins.
“This can’t be it.” I stared at him, irate. “You’re supposed to be the best! We came here because you’re the best. Everyone said so. You can’t tell me there is nothing else you can do!”
“I’m sorry. I truly am.”
“No.” I started shaking with fear or with anger, I didn’t know which. “There must be something else you can do.”
“Hadley,” my mom said, reaching out to comfort me, but I shook her off.
“There must be something else. Another treatment…anything!” I shouted as I shot to my feet.
“There may be another treatment option,” he said calmly. “A drug trial that I’m conducting for your mom’s specific type of cancer, and I’ve been having promising results.”
“So put her in it,” I said sharply, unable to rein in my temper. The anger felt better than the devastation that loomed just below the surface.
“It isn’t that simple. The FDA only allows a certain number of patients per trial. It’s possible that if enough people drop out or choose other treatment options, we could get your mom in. But those chances are slim, and your mom can’t wait much longer.”
This wasn’t happening. I could hear the words he was saying, but it was like I was hearing them through a glass enclosure. They seemed muffled as my attention came in and out of focus. The anger I’d felt was quickly fading, morphing into something far worse.
As I listened to him going through all the options she had, none of which would get her to a cure, the paralyzing fear started to set in.
We walked out of the office together enveloped in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. I wanted so badly to be there for her in this moment, to be a source of comfort, but I couldn’t seem to find the words.
When we drove up to her house, I went inside with her, and we settled on the couch together. I stared blankly ahead, the shock still setting in.
“We’ll find another doctor, Mom,” I said, finally breaking the silence. “He obviously isn’t as good as we thought.”
“No, Hadley. We’ve been down this road. We’ve done the research. He’s the best there is. This isn’t his fault.”
“How can you be so calm about this?” I asked, fanning the flames of anger.
“Because I’m not afraid to die,” she said gently. “I’ve lived a good life. I always knew this was a possibility since I first got diagnosed. I’m only scared of leaving you without either of your parents.”
“Stop!” I cried, shooting up from the couch. I couldn’t listen to this. “Just… stop.”
“Hadley…” She tried to reach for me, but I turned and bolted out of the house, fleeing through the front door, and collapsing onto my knees in her yard. A loud, piercing scream tore from my throat and didn’t cease until my lungs started to burn.My head was spinning. Thoughts collided, nothing seemed to hold meaning, and nothing ever would. My world felt irreparably shattered.
Not a single tear fell as I sat in her front yard for what felt like an eternity, my eyes fixated on the empty driveway ahead.
“Come inside, Hadley. It’s getting dark out,” I heard her voice call from the doorway.
I knew I was being selfish, but I remained immobilized, unable to muster the strength to rise. The sound of the door closing echoed in the distance, yet I was still unable to scrape all the battered pieces of myself off the ground.
Time drifted by, and eventually I summoned enough strength to drag myself back inside where I found her lying in her bed. I didn’t know if she was sleeping, so I pulled back the covers as gently as I could and lay by her side. Once my head hit the pillow, she reached over and took my hand, and we fell asleep like that without another word.
◆◆◆
The next morning, I drove home in a daze, my body going through the motions of existing, but I felt numb through and through. I needed to go home to shower and change before my morning class, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to put one foot in front of the other, much less teach a class.
I vaguely heard the sound of voices as I walked up the steps of my home.
“Hello? Earth to Hadley!” It was Stuart. He and Lex were standing in the walkway. I must have passed right by them, but it didn’t register.
“You get wasted last night or something?” He smiled as he took in my haphazard appearance.
“No, I didn’t.” I didn’t even realize I’d spoken until I heard my voice say those words.
I turned to walk up the stairs when a moment later I felt someone grab my forearm to stop me.
I spun to see Lex standing there on the steps below me. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his eyebrows pinched together.
I looked down at my arm encircled by his hand and thought of how just a few days ago this would have sent chills down my spine… but I felt nothing.
“Hadley…” His voice was rough with impatience, his eyes pleading with me.
“It’s my mom,” I said without a single ounce of emotion in my voice. “The chemo stopped working. The doctor said there isn’t much else he can do.”
“Fuck,” I heard Stuart say from behind Lex.
The devastation in Lex’s eyes matched mine, and I felt like I was looking at my own reflection as I stared into their depths. A sharp stab of despair shot through me, momentarily breaking through the numbness as I looked at him, but it dissolved as quickly as it had come on.
I pulled my arm away and said, “You need to get to work. I’ll talk to you guys later.”
I turned without looking back at either of them and walked into my home. I wasn’t ready to face the pain, so I pushed it down and tried like hell to make it through the rest of the day.
◆◆◆
Over the next week, I spent every second of my free time searching for different treatment options that might help my mom as well as other doctors who specialized in her type of breast cancer. I begged her to let me take her to MD Anderson for a second opinion, but she flat-out refused. I went through cyclical phases of either being extremely angry or completely numb.
Since I was staying over at my mom’s most of the time, I didn’t see much of the guys even though they both called and texted often to check on me. Lionel and Sarah also offered to help in any way they could, but there wasn’t much anyone could do.
It was a Thursday right after lunch when things took a sudden, unexpected turn. My cell phone started ringing, and I hurried to pick up the call from my mom. She never called when she knew I was at work, so I was instantly filled with panic.
“Mom?” I breathed.
“Hadley, Dr. Gremillion’s office just called. They want me to go there right away. They didn’t say what it’s about. Do you think you can come?”
“Of course!” I stood, hurrying to gather my things. “I’ll be right there.”
We made it to the office in less than ten minutes and waited anxiously for him to come into the room. My mind was going through every possible scenario of what he might tell us, most of it grim.
He finally walked in, his face unreadable.
He pulled the rolling chair closer to his body and sat down in front of my mom before his face broke into a wide grin. “I’ve got good news, Ms. Olivier.” My pulse quickened at those words.“A spot has opened up in the drug trial. I’d like you to start today. The sooner, the better.”
My mom and I looked at each other with twin looks of shock.
“H-How?” my mom asked, her voice shaky.
“A great stroke of luck,” he said, smiling. “Here’s the paperwork I need you to bring over to the cancer center. I’ve called ahead, so they’re already expecting you.”
“Thank you so much,” my mom said, her voice cracking at the end.
My heart continued pounding in my chest as he went over what she could expect with this new drug and warned us not to get our hopes too high since this was not a proven drug. It was impossible not to feel hopeful though as we made our way to the cancer center together.
I gave the paperwork to the front desk attendant as my mom got settled in at one of the treatment suites.
“Ms. Olivier!” It was Nurse Amber, who walked over excitedly and wrapped her arms around my mom in a tight hug. “I was so worried,” she said. “When you didn’t come on your normal treatment days, I called Dr. Gremillion’s office to see what was happening. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, of course not. That was sweet of you to worry,” my mom said, patting her hand.
“I can’t believe this happened. Thank god they were able to expand the trial.”
My mom’s forehead wrinkled. “What do you mean?”
“Dr. Gremillion’s drug trial,” she said, sounding confused. “Didn’t they tell you? They expanded it. We were able to take on ten more patients, including you.”
“We were just told a spot had opened up,” I said, just as confused.
“I guess, technically. But so did nine more spots. I spoke with Dr. Gremillion’s nurse earlier. She called to tell me the good news because she knew I was worried about you. She said there was some famous researcher who came in and petitioned the FDA to expand the trial. Apparently, he had some connections there, because it took them less than a week to give the green light.”
Lex. This had to be him. It was too much of a coincidence. I had told him what Dr. Gremillion said about the drug trial when he had texted me last week. My heart felt caught inside a fist. I wasn’t sure how much harder I could fall for this man, but it was starting to feel like a freefall.
“It was Lex, wasn’t it?” my mom asked when Nurse Amber walked away.
“I think so,” I told her. It came out as a whisper as I was choked with so much emotion. “I can’t believe he did this for you.”
She smiled warmly. “I don’t think it was for me.”
I had an overwhelming urge to see him. Once her treatment was finished, I dropped her off at her house and hurried back to the townhouses. My heart lurched when I spotted Lex’s car in the parking lot. I ran over to his house, and the tears started to fall before I made it to the door.
I knocked impatiently. After only a few seconds, I started banging on it, unable to wait any longer. I had to see him. I was about to push the door open myself when it finally opened to reveal the warmest brown eyes looking back at me. I had fully planned to shove Stuart aside if it had been him and not Lex who answered.
I walked in and threw my arms around him without saying a word. His eyes widened momentarily before he caught me without hesitation. He wrapped his arms around me tightly as I started to sob into his neck. My knees had buckled so much, he was practically holding me up.
“What is it, Hadley?” he asked softly after a few minutes of us standing like that. “Is it your mom?” His voice was full of worry.
I couldn’t answer just yet. I continued to cry into his neck, letting out every emotion that I’d been holding in since we were told the treatment wasn’t working.
“Whatever it is, I’ll do everything I can to fix it,” he said into my hair, pulling me in even tighter. “I promise.”
I pulled back to look him in the eyes and said through the tears, “You already have.”