The Scientist

Chapter 36

“H adley, you have to stop this,” my mom said as I sat at her dining room table one evening.

“What?” I asked. I hadn’t been paying attention. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

She sighed. “You can’t keep going like this. You barely sleep. You hardly eat more than a few bites at any meal. You aren’t even really living anymore.”

“I’m fine,” I lied.

Life had gone right back to the way it had been before I left for New York—work, doctor’s appointments, hanging out at my mom’s, and most notably, no word from Lex.I considered talking to my mom about me possibly moving back to New York, but I wanted to wait until she was further along in her recovery. Until then, my plan was just to keep going through the motions of living, hoping like hell she didn’t notice how unhappy I’d been.

“Hadley, look at me.”

I put down my fork and turned to look at her.

“I know you think you have to be here to take care of me, but I’m fine. Better than fine, actually. My appetite’s returning, and I’m starting to have more energy. I’m really beginning to feel like my old self again. The only thing that isn’t doing well in my life is you.”

“Gee, thanks,” I mumbled.

“You know what I mean,” she said.

“No, I don’t,” I stated plainly. “What are you trying to say?”

“That you don’t have to stay here for me,” she answered. “I finished my last chemo treatment months ago. You don’t have to be here to babysit me anymore.”

“You’re far from being ready to start running marathons, Mom.”

“I’m not saying that,” she replied. “But if you haven’t noticed, I’ve got a really great partner now. Carl is more than willing to pick up any slack. We’ve actually been talking about moving in together.”

“What?” This was the first time in weeks I actually felt like smiling. “Really?”

“It just makes sense. We’re always together. It’s just not practical to keep up two mortgages.”

“Practical… right,” I said, feeling that unfamiliar sensation of my face breaking into a smile.

“I want you to be happy, my sweet girl. You deserve to be happy,” she said. “You need to go there and make this right with him.”

My face fell. “I don’t think he wants to make this right. He won’t even talk to me.”

“That man is in love with you. Living in a different country didn’t change anything except for making the two of you miserable.”

I kept my eyes lowered. “I don’t know.”

“Think about this for one second. If the situation were reversed and god forbid, you were the one who was sick,” she said. “Once you started to get better, would you want me watching over you day after day, wasting away with unhappiness, especially if you had Lex by your side to take care of you?”

When she put it that way… No, I wouldn’t want that. I could see exactly the point she was trying to make, but it still didn’t sit right with me.

“If the situation were reversed, you wouldn’t want to leave my side either.”

“That’s true,” she confirmed. “But I’m the mom, so you have to do what I say.”

We both started to laugh. Our relationship had never been that way. We’d always made decisions together and this wasn’t any different.

“Go to him, Hadley,” she encouraged. “Don’t let it bend so far that it breaks.”

I choked on the words that were threatening to spill out. I didn’t want to confess to her that I was afraid it may already be broken.

◆◆◆

A few days later, I got a call from Stuart. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks, and I hurried to pick it up.

“Hadley, hey,” he said with an urgent tone. “I’m sorry to call you like this, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked anxiously.

“It’s Lex…”

My heart slammed in my chest. “Is he okay?”

“No, he’s not okay. He hasn’t been okay since we got here.” Concern was unmistakable in his tone. “He’s killing himself, Hadley. He works non-stop. He never sleeps. He goes to the lab first thing in the morning, and if he bothers to come home at all, he’ll only sleep for a few hours before he goes right back to it. It’s like he’s singularly obsessed with finishing this work, and nothing else matters. I think he’s determined to get this done, so he can get back to you as soon as humanly possible.”

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” I demanded as the anger and worry crashed over me. If I’d have known, maybe I could have done something.

“He asked me not to say anything to you,” he replied. “But I can’t watch him do this to himself anymore. He’s going to end up in the hospital when he collapses from exhaustion.”

Hearing Stuart say those words had my stomach in knots. “Where is he? Let me talk to him.” He and I both couldn’t keep going like this. We had to get this figured out once and for all.

He remained silent for a few moments, probably trying to decide if it was a good idea or not. “Stuart, please,” I pressed.

“I don’t know where he is,” he admitted in a quiet voice. “He left yesterday morning, and I haven’t heard from him since.”

Panic surged through me. “What do you mean you don’t know where he is? Have you tried calling him? What if he’s hurt?”

“I don’t think he’s hurt,” he said calmly.

“You don’t know that. Something could have happened,” I nearly shouted. “How can you be so calm about this?”

“Because he told me he was going to Empros this morning to discuss our contract,” he said hesitantly. “I’m pretty sure he was going to try and terminate it.”

I froze, replaying what he just said over in my head. Betrayal and frustration collided, forming a knot of rage in my chest that was almost suffocating.

“No.” Not after everything we’d been through.

I said the words that threatened to shatter the last bit of hope I’d been holding onto for us, “This can’t have all been for nothing.”

“I’m sorry, Hadley,” Stuart said, his voice soft with regret. “I told him that was only going to make things worse, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Find him, Stuart,” was the last thing I said before I hung up and started dialing Lex’s number.

I was planning on calling his phone so relentlessly that even telemarketers would start to envy my determination. And if that didn’t work, I would call every police department in Sweden to find him and tie him up, so he’d have to listen to me.

I paced back and forth across the living room as the phone continued to ring and ring. Fine by me . My phone’s battery was fully charged and my refrigerator fully stocked. I’ll be here all night, folks.

I didn’t have the slightest clue how long I walked around my home obstinately making one call after another, but the sound of the phone ringing in my ear felt like it might be permanently embedded on my acoustic nerve.

Eventually, I began questioning my own sanity as the ringing in my ear started to sound like it was echoing from a distance. I hung up and dialed again. The ringing seemed even louder like it was just outside my front door. I hung up again, my finger hovering over the number to dial it once more when suddenly there was a knock at the door.

◆◆◆

There was a surreal sense of detachment as I watched my body making its way towards the door. I observed my footsteps falling into place with perfect clarity. It was like being on autopilot as my consciousness began hovering just above me, watching the scene unfold—arm outstretched... hand lifting... knob turning.

It was both exhilarating and disorienting to watch everything happening right before my eyes, but reality itself became blurred as the door was pulled open.

My perception shifted unexpectedly. A gentle pull and my senses came flooding back to me with a vivid intensity as I found the most beautiful pair of whiskey-colored eyes staring back at me. They had always been the most beautiful thing about him to me, a window to an extraordinary soul. I’d missed them more than I could ever have imagined. At the moment, those eyes were wide with disbelief, his lips popping open slightly as he gazed back at me.

Stuart had been right. He looked utterly exhausted. The deep, purplish color under his eyes was alarming. The angles of his face were sharp and his complexion pallid as if it had been months since he’d seen daylight. I pushed all that aside though, and really looked at him, taking in every inch of him, and I started to cry at the sight of him. I cried for every moment we’d been apart. I cried for those days we would never get back. But mostly, I cried from happiness at finally seeing him again.

I started to shake, and my knees buckled where I stood. He caught me just as I was about to hit the floor. I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes, and let his scent wash over me. I tucked my face into his neck and really began to sob. He pulled me into the living room, and I could feel his body trembling against mine as he sat us down on the couch. He said nothing as he held me close, running his hands up and down my spine, trying to soothe me. It took a full five minutes before I regained some semblance of composure.

I drew back and looked at his face. It was a sanctuary to me, bringing with it a sense of calm I hadn’t felt since the day he left. He was looking back at me as if he were seeing a ghost. His hands traced over my entire body, touching me everywhere—running his hands down my arms and across my back, waist, hips, thighs, and back up again, before they moved to cup my face.

“You’re here,” I choked out.

“I am,” he confirmed with a gentle smile that didn’t quite touch his eyes. His hands moved to the nape of my neck. “Is that okay?”

Was that okay? I turned the question over in my mind. My heart sang out with yes, of course! But my mind couldn’t answer the question so easily. I pulled out of his arms feeling like a ship being pulled from its anchor.

“Tell me you didn’t quit,” I said, letting the accusation hang in the air between us. He stared at me with a look I instantly recognized as his eyes roamed over my face. He was trying to figure me out, trying to decide what I wanted to hear.

“I didn’t quit,” he said, and my shoulders sagged in relief. Then he added, “Not yet, at least.”

I stiffened. “What does that mean?”

“I told them I couldn’t do it anymore. I asked them to terminate our contract, or at least release me from it and let the others continue,” he explained. “They told me to take a leave of absence for a few weeks before I made a final decision.”

“You can’t quit,” I said, my voice sharp as I rose to a standing position. “Not after all of this. Not after everything we’ve been through.”

He was quiet for a few moments before he shook his head and said, “I don’t know how to make myself want it anymore. It feels like my soul is slowly being torn apart the longer I’m away from you.”

I closed my eyes, trying to block out the anguish I saw plainly on his face. “It didn’t have to be like this. I begged you to try. You were the one who stopped taking my calls. You were the one who gave up on us. And now you’re telling me it’s all been for nothing?”

He shot to his feet to stand before me, my heart thumping unevenly at our renewed closeness. “No. I’m telling you that I’ve been fighting like hell to make it through even a single minute without thinking about you, Hadley... but it was useless,” he said, frustration lacing every word. “You’ve occupied every corner of my mind since the day I met you.”

I wanted to turn away from him. I didn’t want his words to affect me like this, distracting me from the anger I still felt at him for not only giving up on this work but giving up on us as well. But I couldn’t make myself turn away, bound by a force stronger than my will as if my heart was anchored to the sight of him.

“Then why did you do this to us?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

His sigh was long and heavy. “I was convinced that if I threw myself into my work then I could forget about how much it was killing me not to be with you,” he said, stepping closer. His voice lowered an octave. “But it didn’t work. Every time I would break down and call, I couldn’t stand it—hearing the sound of your voice but not being able to see you or hold you in my arms…” He trailed off, his hand lifting towards me almost absently. “I’ve never known this kind of pain—this raw, unrelenting ache that just sits in my chest.” I watched as he placed his hand over the center of his chest, pressing it against his heart, like he was trying to soothe the ache within.

I blinked away the tears rising up. “The pain isn’t any less for me... But you can’t do this to me. You want me to tell you it’s okay, but it’s not. I haven’t even heard from you in almost a month.”

His head lowered, shame painting his features. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“For who?” I demanded.

“For you!” he said, anguished. “You deserved so much more than what I was able to give you there.”

I shook my head in frustration. “I know what I wanted. I know what I deserved… But you took that away from me. And you being here now… it’s like it was all for nothing!”

He was breathing slowly through his nose, his gaze penetrating as he said, “Do you want me to leave?”

Absolutely not, my heart rang out fervently. But the answer wasn’t that simple.

“I want you to go back and finish what you started,” I said, choosing my words carefully. “You have a chance to do something great, something bigger than you and me, but you’re throwing it all away.”

“I can’t do it anymore. Being there made me realize that I would sacrifice anything for you… anything but you.”

“Lex…” His name felt so natural on my lips, but I was at a loss for words. He always could shatter my heart in the best and worst ways. It was an unnerving realization to discover that one person held the potential to evoke my greatest joys while also igniting my most profound sorrows. A beautiful paradox.

“I realize what I’ve done, how badly I’ve hurt you. The weight of my mistakes feels unbearable, but I need you to tell me.” His hands reached for me, settling around my shoulders, and this simple contact brought the depth of my feelings into sharp, undeniable focus. I had to remind myself to breathe as he drew in even closer. “Tell me if this is over, Hadley. Nothing has changed for me. I still love you in a way that will never make sense to anyone but me,” he said, his eyes boring down into mine. “There’s a certainty to it that feels fundamental to my life. Time and distance have done nothing to change that… Has it changed things for you?”

Time and distance kills even the best relationships . At one point in my life, I believed that to be true. But here I was staring at the one person who was capable of unraveling all my tightly held beliefs. As I looked up at him, I was struck by the undeniable truth that nothing could ever change the way I felt about this man.

“No,” I whispered back. “Nothing has changed. You’re still the man who gave a woman he didn’t know a ride to work when her car broke down. You’re still the man who showed me how real my father’s addiction was. You’re still the man who saved my mother’s life when we thought all hope was lost. You’re still the man who would give up everything for the people he cares about. And you’re still the man I love… deeply.”

He exhaled roughly before his lips came crashing into mine, and I didn’t even try to fight it. Resisting seemed impossible. One hand cradled my head while the other fisted at the base of my skull.

I couldn’t describe the feeling that was coursing through me. All this time apart made it feel like the first time again, and yet I knew those lips better than my own. We kissed until I thought our lips would bruise from our unwillingness to part, never wanting to come up for air. Breathing was overrated anyway.

I pulled back from him a fraction and whispered, “I need you.” I meant it in every sense of the word, but in this particular moment, I meant it in the way of needing our bodies pressed together.

Lex knew exactly what I meant, as he always had.

He lifted me effortlessly into his arms and carried me to the bedroom, laying me flat on the bed. I sat up as his fingers found the hem of my shirt, and he pulled it up over my head. I reached around to unhook my bra, tossing it aside before I lay back down. My breathing felt tight, aching.

He pulled off his own shirt, staring down at my naked torso for a few moments before he reached down and pulled me to the edge of the bed. I was surprised by how nervous I felt. My stomach dipped as he dropped to his knees in front of me, popping open the button of my jeans and unzipping them slowly. He pressed a kiss to my stomach, running his tongue along my abdomen, dipping into my belly button before moving lower.

“Just a warning,” he said roughly as he looked up at me through thick lashes. “I plan to take my time.”

Chills. The good kind.

I nodded, the anticipation bordering on the edge of painful with how badly I needed him.

He tugged my jeans down the rest of the way, his hands caressing each leg as he pulled them off slowly. I felt my pulse beating everywhere—pounding in my chest, hammering loudly in my ears, throbbing even lower. His eyes never left my face as he began kissing along the inside of my thigh and didn’t stop kissing as he reached my panties. I could feel the warmth of his mouth as he sucked at my apex through the fabric, and I let out a long moan. He teased me that way for a while before he finally slipped his fingers through the elastic. I placed the tips of my feet onto his sturdy shoulders, lifting my hips so he could pull them off completely.

I felt the tip of his nose grazing against my heated skin before his tongue suddenly slid down the center of me in one long, teasing stroke. I groaned loudly, dropping my head back onto the bed. His mouth pressed over my core as he began licking and sucking along my slick heat. I’d never had anyone who was as good at this as he was. Instead of just flicking his tongue around and hoping something would happen, he pressed his whole mouth against my sensitive flesh, working me over like a man starving. His hands drifted up toward my breasts as he caressed them in both hands, pinching lightly at my nipples. I propped myself up on my elbows to see he was watching me. It took everything I had to keep my eyes from rolling back in my head, wanting to continue the intimacy of our eye contact. I watched each and every thrust of his tongue against me and that hedonistic look in his eyes was something I never wanted to forget.

“I’m close,” I whimpered, and he wrapped his hands more firmly around my thighs.

“Watch me, Lex,” I said breathlessly. “I want your eyes on me when I come apart for you.” He growled a noise of approval as I pushed myself harder against his mouth. With a final few flicks of his tongue down the center of my core, my body surrendered. I cried out as the orgasm ripped through me, my body convulsing under the soft pressure of his mouth. His iron grip held me firmly in place as my hips began to buck, not allowing me to move an inch.

His tongue never slowed until the final waves of pleasure gradually dissipated. I felt exhausted from the intensity of it, but I needed more, and it appeared he did as well.

He stood up, dropping his pants to the ground as his erection sprang free. He stroked himself a few times, looking down at my naked body.

“I’ve thought about this so many times,” he said roughly.

“So have I,” I admitted.

“Tell me what you thought about,” he said, still stroking.

I swallowed. “I thought about you running your tongue along my breasts.” I let my fingers drift across them. “I thought about your hands squeezing my hips as you thrust into me.” I slid my hands down to my hips. “I thought about how good it would feel to have you come inside me again and again.” My hand drifted down even further, and I slid my fingers through my wetness.

He groaned at my words as his hand moved faster across his shaft. His eyes were transfixed on the spot where my fingers were moving, and I could tell he was no longer interested in taking his time.

He rushed to gather my legs, the air thick with anticipation as he held them at his sides. Our heavy breathing became synchronized as time seemed to stretch and contract with each heartbeat.

Eyes locked with mine, he eased into me slowly. The stretching sensation and fullness were almost too much. We both groaned, and I watched his eyes squeeze shut. His head fell back as the Russian started flowing from his lips. He once told me that he had no idea that he slipped in and out of speaking Russian when we made love, so when he did, I knew that he was completely lost in the moment.

Lips parted, he withdrew inch by inch, a tantalizing retreat, before he slammed into me, eliciting a strangled moan from deep within. He repeated the motion several more times, focus drawn to the sight of himself thrusting into me over and over. I dug my feet into the mattress, anchoring myself so that I could take everything he wanted to give me.

His eyes were frenzied as he climbed onto the bed, hovering just above me before leaning down to capture my lips. Our lips and tongues moved in harmony, and I reached up to thread my fingers in his hair. It was as soft as I remembered. He lowered his head, pressing his lips against the curve of my neck and running his tongue all along my heated skin. I wrapped my arms around him, drawing him closer until his weight settled on top of me.

He began moving inside me again, his hips pressing firmly into mine. There was a desperation to the way we were clinging to each other so tightly, our faces tucked into one another’s necks. No words were exchanged between us. They weren’t needed. The way our bodies communicated was a language in itself, one we both instinctively understood.

Our hips rolled in unison as he slid deeper inside me, groaning softly in my ear with each thrust. The cords of his neck were strained, and I realized he needed to move faster. I let go as he lifted, placing his hands on either side of my head. I held onto his forearms as he really began driving into me with purpose.

The only sounds in the room were those of our heavy breathing mixed with the steady pounding of his body into mine. The sweat started to bead across his body until we were both slick with it. I whispered how good his cock felt and how badly I wanted him to come inside me until eventually, his movements became more erratic.

He lifted himself higher up, wrapping his hands firmly around my hips, which I’d come to know as a sign that he was close. He guided my hips down onto his cock as he thrust into me a few more times until his breathing grew ragged. A raw, guttural sound rose from deep within his chest as he finally came apart with my name on his lips.

I could feel him pulsating inside me as he finished, but he continued to push in and out of me, gazing down at our joined pelvises. I remained still as his hands caressed my waist, gently stroking up and down my body.

He looked utterly spent as he collapsed on top of me, and we lay there for a while afterward, just trying to catch our breaths. I ran my nails lightly across his back, wondering how I ever went so long without this feeling. Everything felt right as long as we were together. He finally lifted his head to kiss me softly on the lips.

“Ty sogrevayesh' moyu dushu,” he murmured against my mouth.

“That’s beautiful,” I whispered. “What does it mean?”

He withdrew slightly so he could meet my gaze as he said, “You warm my soul.”

I didn’t even try to stop the tears that welled in my eyes. He pressed his forehead to mine as his hands wandered over my body, worshipping it. I committed every line of his face to memory, and he looked to be doing the same. His eyelids were starting to grow heavy, however, so I tried sliding away from him.

“You need to get some rest,” I said, because he looked completely drained.

“No,” he said, firmly holding me in place. “I want to look at you a while longer.”

I was apprehensive, but I stayed where I was as he ran a fingertip along my arm, leaving goosebumps in its wake. His eyes were locked with mine as he moved his hand up to cup my cheek.

“God, I’ve missed this face,” he whispered.

I took the hand he had on my face and kissed the center of his palm. “I love you, Lex.”

His eyes sparked to life, his irises shining brightly as he started tracing my lips with his fingertips. “I think I fell in love with you the moment I saw you,” he murmured. “But I knew it with every fiber of my being that day at the well when you were singing that Coldplay song.”

I smiled. “It’s called The Scientist.”

“Is it really?”

“Yes. It’s about a man who’s consumed by his work, and he’s trying to find a way back to his love.”

He smiled back at me. “A perfect choice.”

“I agree completely,” I said. “Especially now that I know it was my siren’s song that made you fall madly in love with me.”

A deep rumbling laughter escaped his lips, and I almost burst into tears at the sound of it. It had been so long since I’d heard his laughter. I placed my hand over the center of his chest, and he covered it with his, holding it there.

“I hope this never goes away,” he said, looking down at our joined hands. “This feeling I get when you touch me… It’s like an intense craving that never fades no matter how much I have you.”

“Sounds uncomfortable,” I teased, wrinkling my nose.

“It’s the best and worst feeling,” he said. “But I don’t even remember who I was without it. It feels like it defines me now… how badly I need you.”

“You have me.” I said it like a promise. “But we’ve got to figure this out, Lex. You have to go back and finish what you started.”

“I know,” he murmured. “But I don’t want to think about that right now. Just let me have tonight. We’ll figure out the rest tomorrow. I promise.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

He pulled me in, and I closed the distance between us, pressing my lips to his. His tongue swept across the seam of my lips, beckoning me to open for him. I hesitated. He was so tired, and I knew what would follow if I let it go further, but I felt helpless to resist.

Our tongues met in a gentle caress, and I started to feel my way down his chest and abdomen. I took his already hard length in my palm and began to stroke him gently. He groaned into my mouth. I knew he was exhausted, so I swung my legs over his hips, positioning his erection against my entrance. I made sure he was looking me in the eyes before I slid down, taking him completely inside me. His lips parted, and he placed his hands lightly around my hips, urging me on. I rocked back and forth, enjoying every sound he was making and every look he was giving me.

After a few minutes of riding his cock, he sat up and continued pushing and pulling at my hips as he captured one of my breasts in his mouth. I moaned, tilting my head back, tangling my fingers in his hair, and holding him to me. Every swish of his tongue along my breasts and every press of his cock against me had me dangling on the edge until his hips met mine in the perfect spot. Pleasure shot up my spine. I tucked my face into his neck, crying out as I convulsed around him. He squeezed my hips even tighter as he thrust into me one final time, finding his own release, and we came apart together.