Chapter 24
Three years ago
Little electrical waves run down my arms. My fingers tremble. I take a deep breath. I'm not supposed to be nervous. Meeting Leon's girlfriends has never been a big deal before. It shouldn't be one now, either.
I stride down the sidewalk on my way to the coffee shop Bear asked me to.
He'll be waiting there with Tamara. Just because this is the first time ever that he makes a formal introduction like this, or the first time he's looked sheepish when talking to me about a woman, doesn't mean he's head over heels and she's the one.
Sheepish. Bear. The big, confident guy I grew up with. Leon Karlsen, who thinks nothing of stopping large men with his brute strength for money and entertainment. Sheepish.
Like, what?!
I bite my lip and turn one last corner. It's not a conscious decision to slow down as I approach the café.
Maybe I'm intuitively preparing myself for what I'm about to see, because it stops me in my tracks.
Right there on a random Seattle corner, I let people walk past me, my eyes stuck on my best friend across the road.
He's sitting by the café's window with someone else, but I can only gaze at him at first. He's staring forward with such affection on his face that I can't compute it. A tiny smile curls his lips, like he can't help it, when the person in front of him is so utterly cute.
Fuck. That's not a look I've seen often on him. Even when I've met other girlfriends, he's reserved that look only for… me.
It hits me. Right on the solar plexus. A two-punch trick, when Leon turns and locks eyes with me.
Some of what he'd been feeling for her— it overflows and extends to me. But I can't accept those emotions. They were hers. He was looking like that at Tamara, not me, even if he's staring at me now.
Except he smiles. Waves. Drops his head to the side, like to ask what's the problem. He raises an eyebrow. I do too. Then he dares to purse his lips, and call me in with a curling finger.
I squint. His eyes sparkle with humor, and he does it again. Summoning me with one finger, but taking it further this time. He points to the empty chair next to him, then to the café door. Like maybe I'm lost, and needed help figuring it out.
"You're in trouble," I mouth.
I think he gets it, because he laughs.
Only this time, he glances to check on Tamara, like he wants to make sure she gets the joke, too.
That used to be the thing we did all the time. Check in with each other in complicity. But now…
Oh my God. My best friend is truly falling in love with someone el— with someone, this time.
The nerves return, but I thin them out with the sandpaper of my thoughts. Polish them into a thin veneer. This is all new. Of course I don't know yet what it all means.
I come into the coffee shop and pretend I'm not studying Tamara this time.
Bear watches me, so I smile and take my study slowly.
For a moment all I can see is her dark, long hair, almost the same shade as Bear's.
Her skin is light brown, but darker than mine.
The first thing that stands out is her bright smile.
Bear gets out of his chair and hugs me. To my surprise, Tamara does too. She's shorter than me, and she reaches up to kiss me on the cheek for good measure. It's a different-yet-familiar gesture. Her "kiss" is cheek to cheek.
"Leon told me you're Chilean, too?" She grins. "I thought I could say hi properly for once."
I glance at Bear.
"Surprise," he says.
For a second all I can do is blink, but eventually I let out a half-chuckle.
"Y-Yes," I stutter. "Yes. I wasn't even a year old when we moved here but— yes. My parents— but I only remember living here. Third culture— you know. Chilean. Visited several times, though."
Wow. Someone is rattled. I clear my throat and try for a casual smile.
"Let's sit." Leon chuckles. "Got your favorite drink."
Someone decides I should sit between them, and I don't question it. I sip my coffee and try to pull myself together. With my free hand, I reach for a strand of hair to play with.
"Yeah, Leon told me that's why he knows so much about the country." Tamara's accent reminds me of my parents'.
"How long have you been here for?" I ask.
"A couple of years. I'm halfway through my PhD."
"That's how you met, right?"
She nods. "Leon was doing some of his community outreach stuff with my team—"
"What is your PhD in again?" I gaze at her.
Sigh. She's very pretty. She has a freckle on the bridge of her nose. Who can compete with that for cuteness?
She smiles with her eyes. "Oh, don't press play on that button, or I'll give you a short dissertation on my research project."
"It's so cool," Bear says.
"If you must, go right ahead," I offer.
When I smile, I'm not sure it reaches my eyes.
"No, no," she laughs. "I won't bore you with the details. I want to make a good first impression on you! But I do neuropsych research. You know how football players can have a lot of trouble with head injuries? I'm looking into that a bit."
"You're too humble." Bear shakes his head.
I sip my coffee and watch him watch her. His statement may have been a light attempt at scolding her, but his eyes tell a different story. Ugh. He's so into her. More than I've ever seen him.
He smirks. "She met me while I was wearing a funny rubber hat, full of cables shooting out of my skull and into a weird machine. She still accepted when I asked her out. No matter the mood killer attire. No matter the grumpy face."
"You're not grumpy," Tamara and I say at the same time.
She laughs it off. I try to do so as well.
"What would you call it?" Tamara asks me.
"Stern?" I say.
She nods. "Kind of bossy."
"So bossy."
"Stop that now," he utters.
This time, we both laugh genuinely.
"You're forbidden from teaming up against me," he adds.
"You can take it," I say.
He raises an eyebrow. "But I won't enjoy it."
"That only makes it better." Tamara grins. "Isn't that the whole point?"
Bear's voice goes deeper. "Are you trying to tell me this is how you two are going to bond?"
My hands grow cold, and I wrap them around my coffee cup. It makes sense, really. When he finds— if he found the love of his life, he'd want us to be friends, too. A little disconcerting to think about, but also strange that I had never considered it.
Is this… is this an expansion of our friendship to include someone else?
"Very important consideration here for you," I say.
I'm teasing him, of course, but also trying to process all of this. At the end of the day, it's me who needs to adjust. I don't know what to do with the fact our friendship could change somehow.
Bear lets out a long suffering sigh. Like it will be torment but he'll accept it. This time.
"See?" Tamara says. "How could I say no to that face? Besides, I'm happy to report there are no apparent neurological injuries in the big guy's head. Huge plus."
Leon raises an eyebrow. "Isn't that some sort of private health information?"
Tamara raises both eyebrows. "You signed a waiver. I had to go through the ethics committee to date you. We went beyond these concerns when you kissed me, Sir."
He reaches across the table and caresses her face. "Admit it. I charmed you with my impressive knowledge about Chile."
I push the coffee away. Without warning, it's not sitting well in my stomach. I need a break. Maybe I'll go get water…
"Están como tortolitos," I say.
It's a Chilean saying to tease people who are very in love, whether they are together or not.
You look like Turtle Doves. The birds are known around the world for their little gestures that seem like affection, and for choosing a monogamous bond through their lives.
So much so, it's a common saying in Spanish, perhaps around the world.
My parents used to say that to Leon and I, so he recognizes it. Of course Tamara does too. They laugh.
I manage a smile and get up. "I'm going to get some water."
I get in line. With my back to the tortolitos, I allow myself a deep breath.
The way they banter. The way he looks at her. The way she smiles back.
Worst of all, she's fun. I could like her. Fuck, I already like her.
Shit. What am I supposed to do? I should have been prepared. This was coming sooner or later. Sooner than I knew but just like I expected, too. Yet here I am, panicking because my best friend might have found the kind of love he was looking for.
It's not supposed to feel like a loss. This isn't the time for grief.
I love my best friend. I want him to have all the happiness in the world, in whatever shape he decides. In whatever Chilean package he prefers.
Wait. What? That's not very generous.
I bite my lip, get a couple water bottles, and pretend I'm not panicking.
For the rest of the evening, I manage to act like a decent friend. It's not until I'm alone in my bed at night, fighting images of what Bear and Tamara might be getting up to, that I let myself crash out.
Leon Karlsen may be falling in love, and I'm terrified.
Minus one hundred out of ten experience, not going to lie.
But I can't let it win. I'm better than this.
I can't be this selfish. He deserves better from me.
After all this time, I need to accept he was always going to find someone to love like this.
If not Tamara, somebody else. I may need nothing but my life and his friendship to be perfectly happy.
It doesn't mean he was always going to feel the same.
He's always dreamed of meeting someone that would make him feel all these things I can't give him.
I can't ever be in the way of that. If I ever did, then I don't deserve his friendship anyway.
And if I told myself I could try to be that person for him— despite all the evidence to the contrary— I'd be fooling myself.
Then I would lose him fully, and that's the kind of pain I could never recover from.
If there's one thing I can do for sure, is to help him find his happiness. Even if that's not with only me by his side.