Chapter 34
Bear
I cling to Pen. One hand on her face, the other on her thigh, and I hope that if I clench my jaw hard enough, she won't notice the way my heart drums in its vault.
Her lips part. Her eyes become hooded. She takes shallow breaths. My body responds to it, like it knows the language of everything she hasn't said.
Romance may not be anywhere near her mind, but she's feeling something, and I can't look away.
She grips my wrist harder than ever. "Is this the one thing where you can't look at me and instantly know?"
Her voice sounds breathy, with threads of vulnerability knotted through it.
"You're getting it wrong, Pen," I rasp. "I can see the signs. But it doesn't mean you want me to do something about it."
That's why I insisted she tell me what she wanted this morning.
When she pushed her delicious, generous ass against me, it felt like a question.
The kind only I could answer. I couldn't look away then, either.
But after weeks of waking up with her in my arms, I didn't trust my instincts.
Every morning, I've had to fight with myself not to touch her.
When she said she needed us to do what we did together, I lost it. I gave into what she wanted from me and was rewarded for it.
I got to learn her taste. God, her taste. I can't get it out of my head.
She licks her lip. "I thought you'd understand from this morning that— yeah. I want you to do something about it."
"Tell me and I'll do it." I squeeze her thigh again.
The problem with what we did this morning is that I didn't get to touch her.
Not properly. Now I'm the one in need. I crave more of her taste, and to hear her moaning and demanding more of me.
I covet the chance to run my tongue all over her after she comes from my mouth, and to learn what color her nipples are, and what name she will call me as I enter her… my heart be damned.
We keep our voices for each other alone. We're still in our own world, with our friends at my back distracted by their own conversation.
A wrinkle appears between Pen's brows. "Will you? Because this isn't what we do. But we're sharing a room, and a bed, and my clothes smell like yours these days, and there's only so much I can do before I start sniffing my shirt so I get another hit of you."
"Pen…"
I want to tell her I feel the same way. That having barred my heart from joining, all I'm left with is this yearning for things we've never done before. Not together. Not to one another.
Except she interrupts me.
"Bear. None of that means we should do something about it. I want to— it should be evident— but it can't ruin things. We can't risk everything for simple biology. This is us."
I grind my teeth. She's right. Nevermind that what we did felt needed. If we can't find a way to do this without risking what we have, then we have to find a way to put it behind us. What our bodies have to say about it doesn't matter.
Until I get a chance to cut into my heart with a surgeon's precision, before I stitch it back into proper shape again, all I will have is my mind. My reason. Logic will be our friend.
"If you're feeling these things," I say, "we'll find a way."
"Do you feel it too?"
Maybe there's room for my body, after all. As long as it's measured. Controlled.
There has to be a way.
I lean forward until our foreheads touch. "It's the only thing I know for sure, Pen. How much I want this with you right now. How much I need this with you."
She sighs. I let my head drop, until we're cheek to cheek.
I take a deep breath. "I may be breaking, I need you so much."
"Leon…"
"But we agree. This can't break us. I won't let it."
She nods. "Things may be changing, but we won't let it wreck us."
Our friends' chatter reaches my ears, but I don't give them any attention.
I'm in a bubble with Pen, surrounded by a handful of beloved people and many others I don't know.
A hundred bodies dance on the floor below.
Servers go around our loft, checking for VIPs that might need something, anything, but they leave us alone.
"To think I didn't use to feel these things," Pen whispers, talking to me alone. "For years, I trusted that kiss we shared in my backyard. Flash forward to our wedding when you kiss me again, and now I'm dying to kiss you again. Have you touch me."
I shut my eyes for a second, two, but force them open right away. I pull away, only enough to gaze at her. I must study her and learn every one of the truths she shares with me.
She's opening herself to me. Brave as always, honest since I met her, and earnest in her spirit. My wife may not be feeling anything romantic toward me, but she's telling me exactly what she does feel. It's sacred. My job is to listen, believe her, and take care of it.
"And when you touch me," she continues, "it reminds me of all the things I didn't get. It tells my body those fantasies could still happen. Who better to do those things with than the person I trust most?"
Her words rip me at the seams. Being someone she's safe with is what I've always wanted. It's how I've proven myself deserving of being picked by her. Paying attention to her needs is a big part of that.
"So what are we going to do about it?" she asks.
"I can't hide from you. I can't erase the words I said.
But if I have to handle these feelings by myself to protect us, then I will.
I will, Leon. Sex has never been worth the pain.
It doesn't matter that I'm scared to be feeling this way.
What happens after, when these feelings subside, and our bodies calm down, and we're ready to move on?
When you find your true love one day. These are the feelings I can't just put away. "
I'm starting to think I was the one who put their feelings away, years and years ago.
Hell, I'm trying to do that right now, in a way.
Does it say something terrible about me?
I don't know, because I never let myself go there.
I worked so hard at convincing myself I only had platonic feelings for Pen.
Today I'm not so sure, but it will take time to inspect it properly. Until then… promises are promises.
I told her I'd marry her by thirty, and I did.
I told her we'd be friends forever and no matter what, I'm doing that.
I told her I would help her with her bucket list, and I fucking will. To the end of time. No matter what it entails.
I lock eyes with her. "If you think about kissing me all the time, I'll kiss you."
Her eyebrows twitch. Her lips part again. So kissable already.
I tilt her chin with two fingers. "And if you have a sexy bucket list that needs addressing, I'll be the one helping you with it."
Her mouth opens further. I ran a thumb over her bottom lip. She gasps.
I lick my lip. "Because if you're feeling all of these things for me, then I'll make you feel them on purpose. We're doing things we mean, or not doing them at all."
"Just— like this? We're going to— what?!"
"We'll talk rules. We'll talk expectations. We'll have a timeline. Whatever you want to do, even if it's nothing at all, we'll do it. You have a damn bucket list for sexy things. I'm your friend and I made you a promise. You need a release. I'll give it to you, Pen."
"Oh my God."
I stand and help her up, until she stands close to me. "Anything you've dreamed of doing in a club?"
"Slow down! Shouldn't we start with a kiss?!"
We manage to disrupt our friends, who now stare at us in shock.
"Everything okay?" Evie asks.
"I'm not kissing you here," I tell Pen.
"Excuse me?" Dom says, but I'm not listening.
"Do you want me to kiss you?" I ask her.
She nods. She's also completely ignoring our friends.
"Then we have to get out of here," I say, and I pull her toward the stairs.
With her hand tight in mine, we leave without saying goodbye.