Chapter 36
Pen
The car is in total silence, but the tension between Bear and me crackles. Except for the brief minutes when he texted with the guys to get them off our backs, all he does is hold my hand, caress my rings, and look out the window.
He's deep in thought, while I burn in place. How he can seem so calm when I'm overcome with sensations escapes me. Maybe it’s because everything my body is going through is due to him.
The way he looked at me. The way he touched me. His offer. A shiver runs down my spine, just thinking about it.
I barely make it home. Bear opens the car door for me, tips the driver, and leads me inside with a hand behind my back.
All lights are off, assuring us we'll have all the privacy we need.
Our bedroom is at the end of a long hallway and we make our way there without flicking any switches.
We don't need to see things clearly to find it.
We go in. He takes off his overshirt and throws it onto one of the armchairs by the corner.
The gesture leaves him in his distressed gray jeans and white shirt.
The look is a classic for a reason. It highlights his wide shoulders, thick everything, and sprawling tattoos.
Even his black hair seems to contrast with the look.
His dark blue eyes do too, when he stares at me.
I lean against our door, utterly breathless. My blood's oxygen levels must be struggling, because the space I share with Bear has lost all familiarity. Like looking at my best friend in a new way has the power to change the very lens through which I take in the world.
Bear's eyes lock on me. He tracks me, waiting.
I bite my lip. "Do you think these feelings will go away if we ignore them long enough?"
He doesn't move. He stands a few steps from me.
The bedroom is large, with enough room for the king-size bed, side tables, plants, and a small sitting area tucked on the side.
A large window overlooks the backyard, but thick curtains block the night view.
With everything in shades of cream and greyish blues, it seems designed to fade into the background.
What matters is what happens in the room, not the decor, after all.
"You tell me." His voice comes out deeper than usual. "If you don't want this, I'll find a way to keep you from it."
"Keep me from what?"
"All the things I want to do to you." The step he takes closer to me has a predatory air to it, but he handles it. He stops. "As long as they're part of your bucket list."
"And our bodies will calm down afterwards?"
"Maybe. But even if they don't, it doesn't matter. There are three options here, Pen."
He takes another step toward me. My heart skips a beat. He lowers his chin and studies me, paying attention to my response.
"One," he says. "We do nothing, and find a way to put these feelings away now. Two— we do everything on your list and it calms us down, allowing us to be free of this need."
He takes another step and brings his hands to his hips. His knuckles whiten, his fingers are so tense. He's still a few steps away… while I'm a few seconds away from losing it and jumping him, never mind the conversation we're trying to have.
"And three?" I breathe.
"Three— we do everything our bodies desire and the feelings don't go away. We'll have to bargain with evolution and biology another time. But at least— at least your list would be complete. You'd have everything you ever dreamed of."
I'm so full of want, it nearly overflows. My throat tightens. That's why my breathing comes out high pitched. Or maybe that's a muffled moan. I'm that ready.
God, my body is in need.
I lick my lip. "So we fight these feelings now, or we fight them after we deal with a few of my fantasies."
He nods. Frowns. Stares me down.
I'm about to turn into a puddle.
"We'll be careful." He presses his lips together and stares at my mouth. "We'll take our time. Go slow. My offer remains on the table."
I know him so well, I don't need him right next to me to know what he's thinking. Slow isn't what my hormones beg for, but it's wise, and I want this in any way I can get it.
"You should kiss me again," I say.
He squints. "I just said we'll take our time."
"We'll take it slow, but… " I lick my lips. "We should see what happens when we kiss on purpose. It's been a few weeks. What if we faked too hard at the wedding and it put the wrong thoughts in our mind?"
He takes one final step. It brings him within reach, but we don't touch.
"We're not confused, Penélope."
Casually, like it makes total sense, I take off my blazer.
I drop it on the floor. "Then kiss me. We'll see."
"This isn't how I would go about kissing you on purpose."
"It is how you kissed me the first time in my backyard."
"Not how I kissed you on our wedding day."
"Then show me. How will you kiss me tonight?"
"Not like this."
I purse my lips. His severe gesture doesn't change. Leon is a determined man, and I know this look. He's not going to kiss me like this, whatever that means.
"Okay. Fine." I make a single, decisive nod. "I'll… give us time."
His eyes narrow. I take a step away, escaping the tight space between Bear and the door behind me.
I aim for a shrug, but it comes out as a twitch. "To be honest, if we end up doing all these things together… well, maybe I need time to wrap my head around that."
I take a couple of slow, hesitant steps backwards.
"Right." He purses his lips this time.
"I'll go— I don't know." I take another step away. "Take a shower. And I—"
I don't fully turn away when he grabs my arm. Before I know what's happening, he pulls me to him. I crash against his chest— and he kisses me.
He kisses me. He devours me. He licks my lips, sucks on the bottom one, and my breath catches— I gasp.
He insists, pushing me back toward the wall, and asking for more with his tongue.
I'm not sure how I know, but I sense it, and I respond.
Swiftly. I cling to him, arms surrounding his neck, because he's still pushing me back until I'm plastered on painted drywall.
And he keeps on kissing me. It's not the first time for us, but this— the way his lips move on me, the way our tongues play and explore, and with his beard tickling my face— it puts a veil on our previous kisses.
Even those at our wedding fade, and those were life-changing.
This kiss has the power to create galaxies. It's powerful, unexpected, and all-in.
I could melt, but he presses me against the wall.
His big, delicious body engulfs me and, if he weren't who he is, I wouldn't let myself dissolve into him the way I do.
His hands travel from my arms up my shoulders.
With slow movements, he cradles my head.
With assertive fingers, he angles my face.
It opens me further to him and, in an instant, he's taking advantage of it.
A moan builds in my throat. I don't stop it. The sound must do something to him, because he pushes himself on me. How can a body be so soft and hard at the same time? And, fuck. I guess he likes kissing, because the erection pushing on my belly leaves nothing to the imagination.
Until he stops kissing me. It seems like a sacrilege not to have his mouth on mine, and I pursue his lips. He teases me. Doesn't quite kiss me, but rubs his lips on mine. I frown and open my eyes, to find his dark blue stare tracking my reaction.
"More," I complain.
He smirks. "We'll get there."
"Bear—"
"First, I need you to understand that this is how I want to kiss you." He runs a thumb over my bottom lip. "Moving forward, this is how I'll kiss you."
"Sounds good." I try to kiss him again, but he chuckles.
He pulls from me until he can hold me in his arms. It takes me a few steps to realize he's guiding me to the bathroom. I'm hazy enough that I don't question it. All I hear in my head is that I loved that kiss, and I need more.
"If I had known you're such a good kisser…" I say.
He smirks. "Then what?"
"My body might have woken up years ago."
"I see."
I shake my head. "Like. I don't remember this from when we were teenagers."
If he didn't keep me so close, I don't know if I would still be upright.
"I might have learned a thing or two," he says.
"Ugh. Don't make me think of how you learned these things."
"Then don't. Think about the things you want me to do with you. To you."
He walks me all the way to the little space around the wall, where the shower begins.
"What if I want you to kiss me again instead?" I ask.
"I'll kiss you again."
"And if I want you to do more?"
"I'll do more. Another time." He frowns like he's deep in thought. "I'll always give you enough time to change your mind."
I blink a few times. "Wait. What are we doing here?"
"You said you wanted a shower."
The words are a call to attention. My awareness pulls up like a soldier awaiting instructions.
"We… You… You're…" I gaze at the shower, already imagining all the things we could do.
There's room and showerheads and shower jets and a bench…
"You." Leon takes a step back. "Take your clothes off."
The command in his voice makes my knees buckle. "I— I— You do it."
His eyes glimmer. "I meant you can take a shower, since you said you wanted one. I'll get in bed. Try to sleep and give us time."
"That may be too slow, Bear," I protest.
He squints.
"Shower fun." I gulp. "It's on my bucket list."
I watch him, until he connects the dots.
He arches an eyebrow. "And I told you I'd help."
"You did."
"And there are things we can do and still take it slow."
"As long as it's not too slow."
He smirks. "Greedy, are we?"
"Maybe desperate." I lick my lip. "Don't tell anyone."
He doesn't say anything to that, but the gleam in his eyes tells me my response was exactly what he wanted to hear.
I must look a little wobbly— with reason. I am. He must see the signs. Bear grabs me by the arms and guides me into the shower, clothes and all.