Chapter 46
Pen
Present Time
Training camp is finally here, and arriving at the Thunderdome is a wholly different affair from last time I visited. I'm arriving alone to a busy TD and, when I stop next to the parking lot security booth, I'm prepared with my phone to show my e-card.
"Oh, I remember you." The guard grins at me. "Leon Karlsen's wife."
I grin right back. "Yep, that's me."
They scan my e-card and nod. "You're welcome to come in."
I thank them and drive through. On a day like today, it's harder to find a spot.
Training camp is different from minicamp, and fans can buy tickets to watch their team practice.
Players can have guests, and the girls and I planned to bring them a nice lunch.
All of the TD will be full of fans and significant others supporting the Strike.
Even if fans can't park in this lot, I don't find room near the building, and end up in one of the stalls in the back.
The whole time, a thought scratches onto my skull.
Discomfort stitches an awkward pattern onto my sternum.
Just a couple weeks after minicamp, calling myself Bear's wife came with no hesitation.
My heart didn't tumble the moment the words were uttered by someone else.
Being happily fucked and busy with my own projects and schedule must have me feeling too comfortable as a pro-football spouse.
I get out of my car and take a deep breath. It comes to show Bear's wisdom. He was right. This is why our bucket list rules were important. They will serve as a reminder of how things truly are between us.
With that in mind, I rush to the corded path at the edge of the parking lot. It guides everyone closer to the building and the field next to it. Nat, Ames, and Evie will be waiting for me close to the guests' gate, and I'm running late.
Some distance away from the turf, two arches branded with the Strike's colors welcome everyone.
One of them invites the ticketed attendees to go through toward the field watching area, while the other takes the team's guests in a different direction.
A short distance into it, I reach a short line where people wait to be let in past a guarded gate.
I gaze around the Thunderdome property and wait for my turn, watching the flags and banners billowing in the late July wind.
"There you are!" Evie exclaims as soon as I'm let in.
We hug, then I say hi to Nat and Ames as well.
"I'm sorry I'm late!" I say.
"The guys are signing some autographs." Ames points toward the crowd. "We still have time."
I glance toward the fans. The crowd gathers by the temporary fences. A dozen players interact with them, but my eyes land on the tall, big man with black hair, and tattoos I've traced with my tongue.
Like magic, he feels my eyes on him. I know, because he turns and glances at me. We're far away, but it doesn't matter. He smiles, and my stomach fills with butterflies.
"Come on, Pen." Evie gives me a knowing smile. "We'll wait for them inside."
I wave at Bear and follow my friends into the building, but I lag behind them. Adrenaline still rushes through my torso, fueling the wings in my belly. They persist, even when I tell them to quiet down. Despite pointing out they're just a mirage.
It's curious. For the first time, simple knowledge doesn't kill the butterflies in my belly. Sure, I know the mechanism behind them, but it doesn't change the fact that, had I been allowed, I would have run onto the field and into Leon's arms.
I would have kissed him. Grinned and gazed into his eyes. If he had swept me off my feet and swirled me around, it would have only made the moment better.
I follow my friends into a hall full of tables I didn't know existed.
The walls are painted in that shiny white you see all over TD, with big streaks in navy blue, and THE STRIKE written at the back on large, blocky letters.
It's like a fancy high school cafeteria, with a pro kitchen behind stainless steel surfaces.
Cooking staff mill around back there, preparing food for those who need it, but that's not us.
Ames carries a big cooler behind her, according to the plan.
We claim one of the bigger tables. I sit on the bench like nothing weird is going on in my chest, but it is. My heart is beating up into my throat. I'm breathing faster. All because I've realized that, for once, I was more focused on romance.
Holy shit. Does that mean I'm feeling romantic towards Bear?
I take the reusable glass travel cup Ames offers me. The green liquid shakes as soon as it is in my hand.
"Is this okay?" Ames frowns. "It's green tea and mint. Cold. Not very sweet—"
"Yes, yes." I try for a smile. "It looks delicious. Thanks so much."
"Are you okay?" Nat asks.
And that's the right question to ask. I'm not one to get confused like this.
Just because we've been living as if we're married for real for weeks— and like we're the kind of couple who can't keep their hands off each other for longer than five minutes— it doesn't mean this is the kind of love romantics dream of. Even if…
I take a deep breath and wave her concern away with a hand gesture. "Yeah. I'm okay."
At the end of the day, I can explain all of this too.
It's simply that special brain cocktail that nature uses to make people bond and support each other, in case they end up making babies.
Oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and more, all balanced in specific ways to make us give someone else a fucking chance.
Without them, who in their right mind would hazard a heartbreak?
No one, and I'm a pretty level-headed individual.
Or I used to be, because I haven't been as good of late, when it's about my husband. Recently, I've been forgetting he's the kind of heartbreak I wouldn't survive.
"You're not pregnant, are you?" Nat asks with wide eyes.
"What?!" I let out a big laugh. Too big, maybe. It's the nerves. "You, too? What is with people thinking Leon and I will start building a football team of our own?"
"Ha! So you are having sex!" Ames exclaims.
"What?!" I exclaim. "Was this a trap? Unbelievable, you guys."
"Not a trap, but a friendly test." Evie smiles. "Did you know our other halves have been complaining non-stop about not knowing much? But we all assume plenty, Pen. That moment at the club pointed us in the right direction."
I frown. "I won't confirm or deny anything about the things Bear and I are doing or not these days, but I will complain about you all making the assumption that it would result in me being pregnant!"
"You're still not denying a pregnancy which, fair." Nat raises an eyebrow, humor glimmering in her eyes. "You get to keep things private. But if you need to know, I'm asking because you got really pale there for a second."
"Yeah, you looked queasy," Ames agrees. "I have to admit that's where my mind went as well."
Funnily enough, that's not even the bigger issue. Putting both babies and butterflies in the balance, I know which one worries me the most at the moment. Pregnancy isn't going to happen, but falling for my husband…
I wish I could say the last fifteen minutes changed things. The truth is, what brought me here started many weeks ago with our wedding kiss. Now I have to admit that being able to explain things doesn't make it feel any less real. What these fluttering wings are doing to me is proof enough.
But falling for my husband means falling for my best friend, and that's the one thing I can't jeopardize.
If every failed relationship of old led me to give it all up, this path is paved with danger signs.
In case that's not enough, yellow plastic ribbons criss-cross the start of the road, with CAUTION: DO NOT CROSS printed in bold black ink.
I shake my head. "Why? You all know Bear and I don't mean to stay together forever. I could have just— I don't know. Eaten something bad."
"Maybe," Evie says with a smile. "But the whole group is waiting for a chance to ask what happened after the club last time. We have your romantic status on our minds, you know? You're lucky we've been so respectful that we have not asked about this in our group chat."
I purse my lips. Of course the four of us have a group chat as well but, despite my SOS call when I had issues with my dress, our conversation hasn't strayed much from our usual topics.
The past couple of weeks, we've had the same pictures of Barkley that make me want my own dog, or questions from them about my parents and the surgery.
We've talked about Ames' TV show adventures, Evie's initial wedding plans, and my plan to apply for a job with the Strike. None of it has had to do with Bear.
If they had asked, I don't know that I could have confessed the sincere fun and joy I'm experiencing with my best friend. It would have felt risky to admit that… to name that… shit. That this is all I ever wanted.
I'm feeling queasy again. I stop breathing for a second, two, waiting for my system to regulate again.
Evie cocks her head. "I guess we'll have to keep being respectful, then. Have some tea. Breathe. You're pale again, my friend."
"Right." The word comes out tight.
I unscrew the bottle and take a few gulps. Ames rubs my shoulder. Nat smirks. Ha, she must have gone through similar revelations, when she had an epiphany and learned she didn't only want friendship with Damián. Now they're married, too.
Wait. Does that mean… that I'm having a romantic epiphany… but we're already married… and I…
Damn.
I drink more tea.
"All right, then." Evie presses her lips together not to smile. "The team is coming in, but you have to know I would have pushed for the exclusive reveal otherwise. We were so close. Saved by the bell, I guess."
"Exclusive reveal?" I laugh. It's still a nervous sound. "I thought you're in PR, not investigative journalism."
A throng of big athletes make their way through the large double doors at the other side of the hall. None of our favorite players are here yet.
Evie grins. "I dabble. I would love to show up at home tonight and tell Logan I know things he doesn't know."
"Saint would hang from every word, too." Ames smirks. "He's been complaining that they haven't had a chance to stage an intervention for Bear."
"Maybe we should stage our own," Nat suggests with a teasing smile on her lips.
"Oh no, how sad," I say in an exaggerated tone. "I don't think we'll have time for that."
I glance at the door again. No sight of Bear yet.
Noise builds around us, as big men find their guests and sit down for a meal. My stomach churns, but I breathe through it.
I feel caught. Like someone will remind me, tone full of scorn, that I said I would never fall in love. Like what I'm feeling is my choice. They would point at me with disdain, for letting myself get caught in fantasies that endanger my friendship with Bear.
"You know you can tell us to shut it, right?" Nat laughs. "You don't have to entertain our curiosity."
"Then consider it postponed." I let out a relieved sigh. "I just realized five minutes ago that I may or may not be feeling things for my husband. I'm not ready to talk about it. I need to panic some more first."
"Well, as long as you finally realized," Nat says.
Ames gives me a knowing smile. "Just remember you can talk to us if you need to. It's what you all told me just a few months ago when I was trying to figure things out with Saint. I'd love to pay back the favor."
"And even if Bear is your best friend," Nat adds, "maybe this is one thing you can't talk to him about yet?"
The biggest irony of all is that I could never talk to him about romance.
Who knows why that's how it used to be as we grew up.
Today that's still the case, but for a reason I understand.
If I told Bear I'm feeling a flicker of romance for him, I'd be trampling all over the boundaries we set between us.
I'd be rewriting the friendship we promised each other and, for what?
Bear plans to take the magical brain cocktail we call love at face value.
He craves to fall in love like in the movies, and I can't offer him that.
All I have to give he already has. If that were enough, we would have known it by now.
"Thank you." I manage a smile at the three of them. "I know I can talk to you all about anything."
Today there's no point. If I can't offer Bear the kind of sweeping courtship he's dreamed of, I can't cut away yellow ribbons and ignore red signs. I recovered from every heartbreak in the past, but I wouldn't recover from the heartbreak of failing with Leon Karlsen.