Chapter 12
I awoke to an empty bed and a full bladder. While I sat on the toilet and relieved myself, I considered my options. Because the bottom line was that I was getting my man back. I didn’t really care what it took—begging, stealing, crawling—I was getting him back.
Tears pooled in my eyes at the thought of him walking away from me.
I prided myself on being tough. I could handle a lot of shit.
I was built to bend and not break. But one thing I couldn’t handle was losing Jaxxon.
I mean, I wouldn’t let him love me for years, because the thought of us falling out was too much for me to bear.
One week into our marriage, and I’d already driven him away.
The irony wasn’t lost on me that I considered getting on birth control to prevent my heart from being broken, and then I went and broke my own heart with my need for secrecy.
I wanted advice so badly, but to get advice, you actually had to tell people your business.
And I really, really didn’t want to tell anybody that Jaxxon left me because I was keeping secrets.
I really wanted to call my mother, but she’d raised us by herself, so I didn’t know that she was the right person to go to. With a heavy sigh, I dialed Kelcie.
“Hey, Pretty Mama.” She answered the phone with a smile in her voice that I could not match.
“Kelcie, I think Jaxxon left me,” I said, point blank period. No ripping the Band-Aid off slowly.
“What? Why?”
I told her everything that had happened since the day I was called into the office for the meeting about Phoenix.
“Aww, mami. I wish you would’ve told me that you were thinking about doing that.
Phoenix’s behavior is the league’s worst-kept secret.
Everybody knows he’s a pill-popping, orgy-throwing, serial cheater, .
. . even Sage. Phoenix reaches out to Travis almost once a month, asking for prayers of deliverance from infidelity—especially when the groupie of the week think she’s pregnant. ”
“Oh no,” I muttered to myself.
“He’s been blackmailed countless times. Every groupie he gets with threatens to ‘out’ him to the public. Travis told me that their accountant made them establish a fund for the extortion money so it doesn’t get mixed up with their personal funds.”
She was saying everything so matter-of-factly that it was like she was talking about a character in a book or something.
“Wow.”
“Wow is right. Girl, the Avondales literally keep money on deck to pay groupies who think they’re pregnant by Phoenix.”
I had to say it again. “Wow. This makes me feel worse, not better. This is not a one-time occurrence for them. This is their way of life. They have an account that’s used for paying extortion threats.
” I huffed out a sigh. “Intrusive thoughts about Jaxxon cheating on me, and getting some mistress pregnant, had me ready to crash out.”
“Listen, I’ve heard some stories about these players and their wives that have had me side-eyeing Travis.
But at the end of the day, I know my husband.
I know what kind of man he is. I’m not saying he would never, but I am saying that I know he’s not slick enough to get away with cheating on me for too long.
And some groupie thinking she’s about to extort us is crazy.
She’ll be somewhere pushing up daisies before I let my man give her home-wrecking ass anything. ”
“Jay was mad enough to leave, Kels. He packed his little duffel bag, while I stood there in shock. He literally walked out on me. I don’t know what to do.”
“Why did you make that appointment, Skyy?”
“Why do y’all keep asking me that? First him, now you. Because . . .”
“Jaxxon’s probably asking for the same reason I am. He knows that if you can be honest with yourself about why getting on birth control was your visceral response to hearing about a couple having marital problems, then you two can deal with the root. Saying ‘because’ is not an answer.”
I didn’t respond.
“You know I don’t really believe in astrology and all that stuff.
It doesn’t really line up with what I believe about God and Him not needing to make sure people are born at a certain time of the year, just to have these certain traits.
God can give whatever traits He wants, at any time of the year He wants. ”
“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” I didn’t need to hear her philosophies on astrology for the one millionth time.
“Anyway, let me get off my soapbox.”
“Please do.”
“What I was going to say was, I know everybody attributes your need for secrecy and privacy to you being a Scorpio. But what if you wanted to get on birth control because you were afraid to bring children into a marriage that might not last? What if the reason you didn’t talk to Jaxxon about your decision is because you were afraid to let him know that you were having doubts? ”
“Everything is not about me being a Scorpio, Kelcie. I agree with you on that. But everything is also not about me being fearful. I’m not really afraid of all that much, and I’m definitely not afraid of Jay. I can talk to him about anything.”
“So why didn’t you?”
And that was the reason I didn’t like sharing my business with other people.
Even when you loved them to pieces, they could still say something that got under your skin.
I needed to call my husband and tell him to bring his ass home so we could get to the bottom of our issue.
But first, I needed to brush my teeth, wash my face, and take another quick shower.
Once I was dressed, I grabbed my phone and headed to the kitchen. My plan was to eat, then call Jaxxon.
When I stepped into the kitchen, Jaxxon was sitting at the island. He was wearing different clothes than the ones he was wearing when he left, and he looked well-rested, while I was sure I looked as barely put together as I felt.
It was in me to play it cool and just greet him like I expected him to be there all along, but my heart wouldn’t stand for that. I rushed toward him and threw my arms around his neck when I was close enough for physical contact.
He chuckled while cradling me in his arms. “Hey. Good morning.”
“Good morning. I thought you left me.” I mumbled into his neck.
“I’m never leaving you. You’re home.”
“It didn’t feel like I’m your home when you slept somewhere else last night. Where’d you go?”
He sighed. “I thought about getting a hotel room. I thought about crashing at Trav’s.
I just needed to calm down because I was pissed.
I finally decided to hit up the trainer.
I met up with him. He stretched me for about an hour.
I did the hot tub and the cryo. I called my dad. Talked to him for a minute?—”
“About our situation?”
He nodded. “By the time I hung up from him, I was calm . . . and tired as hell. So, I came home. I sat in my truck until the light went off in the bedroom. Once I figured you were asleep, I came inside. I slept in the guestroom down here.”
“You could’ve come and got in the bed.”
“I know. I wasn’t ready.”
I took a deep breath. “Jay, I made a big mistake in the way I handled this entire thing. If I had it to do over again, I would handle it so much differently. Because, first of all, I would let everything I heard about Phoenix go in one ear and out the other. I would just tell you that I can barely stomach the thought of you giving yourself to somebody else. Even considering that you would care for some other chick the way you care for me makes me want to crash out. And if you choose to do that, the truth is the only thing I can control in that situation is me. And the fear of the thought of trying to move past that kind of betrayal, that kind of . . . disloyalty makes it hard for me to breathe. And having a child or children watch me self-destruct wouldn’t be fair. ”
He squeezed me tightly. “I’m not going anywhere, Skyy. I’ve been about you since tenth grade. I don’t even see other women in that capacity. I can’t take them seriously. I’m not interested in building with nobody but you. You’re my heart. How can I love you this much and you not know it?”
“I know it. It’s not you, it’s me, Jay. I love you so much it hurts, and that . . . scares me. I don’t like people to know when I’m scared. In my experience, they use that kind of information against you.”
“I would never use your fear against you, Home. I see you as being fearless, girl. So if something has you worked up, I’mma always take it seriously.
If something has you anxious or scared, I wanna talk it through with you.
I don’t want you making decisions for me that I didn’t give my stamp of approval. ”
“You’re right. I apologize. I should’ve at least talked to you about it.”
He kissed my lips. “I forgive you. We’re cool. But you have to be punished.”
I removed myself from his embrace. “What? What do you mean, punished?”
He stood up from the island. “You fucked up, Home. Just because you apologize doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences.
There are definitely consequences for being sneaky, lying by omission, and doubting my commitment and dedication for you.
I suggest you eat, because it’s gonna be a long afternoon for you. ”