Chapter 16
Cam set down a fishbowl-sized glass of white wine on the table in front of Rae. ‘I hope you know I intend to get us both sloshed.’
Rae was very, very okay with that. They sat under a red parasol in the beer garden of Turloch Corner Tavern, the sound of deep laughter and mindless chatter buzzing like wasps on all sides.
Not the most peaceful of places to decompress, especially not with a dozen different perfumes and sun lotions mingling, but anything beat staying on the farm after Dad’s outburst. She needed time to collect herself before she talked to him.
‘Thank you.’ She took a long gulp. The dry, acidic taste hit the back of her throat, condensation rolling down the stem and over her fingers. She couldn’t remember the last time somebody had invited her out for drinks, and certainly hadn’t expected Cam to be the one to do it now.
‘Cheers,’ Cam said, guzzling her cider as she sat on the bench opposite. Her sunglasses hid her piercing blue eyes, which at least made being in her presence slightly less daunting.
‘Cam, I really am sorry if I made you feel abandoned in any way,’ Rae began, shifting on the hard wood nervously.
She was desperate to clear the air with at least one person today.
‘It wasn’t my intention, and it really wasn’t about picking sides.
We were just young, and everything was so chaotic at that time. It still is.’
Cam twirled her glass between her fingers, mouth puckered with bitterness. ‘Look, as much as I’d like to blame you, it wasn’t all your fault. I didn’t reach out much, either. I think I’d already decided that you’d turn your back on me. Not that I have abandonment issues or anything.’
Rae smiled wryly. She and Cam had spoken many a time about their absent parents, with Cam’s dad leaving when she was just a toddler. ‘It was uncomfortable when you broke up. I didn’t know how to navigate it without leaving one of you out.’
‘I’m sure I didn’t make it easy for you. I’m not exactly the sunniest person to be around when I’m heartbroken. Or even when I’m not, to be fair.’
‘Can I be honest?’ asked Rae.
Cam nodded.
Rae took an extra sip for courage, focusing on the group of men sitting behind Cam, who were providing plenty of entertainment to the surrounding patrons.
One of them played the hand drums on another’s bald, sunburnt head while their lead vocalist crooned ‘Come on, Eileen’ into his beer bottle, now a makeshift microphone.
For the first time, she realised how much she’d missed Scotland.
And how much she’d missed her old friends, Cam included.
‘A lot of the reason I didn’t reach out more was because I didn’t think you’d want me to.’
Cam frowned, opening her mouth to protest, but Rae needed to get this out first.
‘I’m going to sound like a sad sap, now, but…
I’ve never really thought of myself as someone people would miss when I’m not around.
It’s not an excuse, but I hope maybe it’s an explanation.
’ She cleared her cracked throat. ‘I’ve done the same thing with Martha.
She has this great girlfriend she’s absolutely obsessed with, and I think subconsciously I just assumed that made me unimportant, so I stopped reaching out.
Add to that the fact that I get so overwhelmed by whatever it is I’m chasing that it’s like my blinkers are on and I can’t see anything else but what I have to do to get where I need to be.
I’m scared one day I’ll stop and realise I’m just meant to be alone. ’
‘You’re right. You do sound like a sad sap.’ Cam smirked lopsidedly, flicking the beer mat at Rae. ‘But I think I get it. People drift apart. Sometimes it’s easier to let it happen, especially when you’re nineteen and trying to figure out what the fuck you’re supposed to be doing with your life.’
‘I suppose we were too young to have an actual conversation about it,’ agreed Rae.
Her dad’s harsh words still caged her chest shut, but she felt a sliver of relief now that she’d voiced those silly insecurities.
She didn’t know when she’d decided that she wasn’t important to people.
Perhaps when Mum left at a time when Rae still needed her.
Perhaps when Martha started dating and Rae noticed how that impacted their once solid friendship.
Perhaps when she first started drowning in the overwhelming pressure of schoolwork and career plans, and nobody noticed, or chucked her a life ring.
She’d become an island, and her worst fears had come true: nobody needed her. Nobody wanted her.
‘I do appreciate you saying all this,’ Cam said. ‘I might have to hold a grudge just a smidge longer.’
‘Perfectly understandable.’ She chuckled, swatting a fly off the rim of her glass.
They drank quietly for a few moments, listening to Dexys Midday Drinkers, until Cam began twirling the silver band around her ring finger. ‘So, are you going to tell me why your dad was fuming earlier?’
Rae shrank in her seat. ‘I didn’t tell him about the wedding plans. I didn’t expect he’d get that angry, though.’ She nudged her sunglasses down. ‘Anyway, no more drama. I want to hear about you and your wife. Sorcha, is it?’
When Cam spoke about her family, it was the first time Rae had seen her soften, and she leaned her head against her palm to listen contently. Soon, they were giggling like old friends, the world blurring around Rae so she no longer had to think about it.
She felt a glimmer of hope that Belbarrow could still be her home, even if things had changed. Even if Dad let the farm go. Even if he let her go.
Then again, maybe that was just the wine talking.
The night crawled in at the same drunken pace as Rae, who staggered out of her cab and up the narrow country lane towards the farm. She wanted a moment to clear her head and possibly throw up again before she got home, hoping that Dad might not catch her if she could tread a little quieter.
‘Shhh,’ she instructed her trainers when they began to grind through the gravel, then giggled when she tiptoed into a wheelie bin.
Keeping up with Cam and her steel alcohol tolerance had been near impossible, even after they’d shared a gigantic tray of cheesy chips between them, and now she was paying the price.
At least she’d had fun. She’d almost forgotten what that felt like.
With the golden glow of the lamp bleeding through the living room window, she wobbled her way through the back garden, nudging inside the patio door quickly.
Roderick greeted her with a meow, but clearly she had a hidden talent for stealth, because Maisy and Milly were nowhere to be seen.
She did, however, hear more than one voice emanating from the living room, and one of them wasn’t Gran’s.
She frowned. Who would be here at this time?
‘Shhhhhhh,’ she instructed Roderick, then crept down the hallway to peer into the front room.
She wished she hadn’t. Through the crack in the ajar door, she saw Dad inspecting Myra Milligan’s mouth with his own, like he was trying to… kiss her. She covered her face quickly as she fell back into the banister on the stairs.
‘No! Eyes! Burning!’
‘Rae?’ Dad called over the sound of Myra’s gasp.
‘Nope. Not here. Going now!’
‘Rae—’
‘Enjoy your night!’ She dashed out of the front door and closed it before Roderick could escape, zigzagging back the way she’d come. She stopped as soon as the house was out of sight, bile burning the back of her throat for more reasons than just the wine.
She hadn’t seen Dad kissing anyone since Mum, and now he was fondling Myra in the front room as though it was the most natural thing in the world. How much of his life had she missed? How much didn’t he talk to her about?
She bent over, afraid she was about to retch in the honeysuckles – but all that came out was a sob. He hadn’t told her. No wonder he didn’t want her here. He had a life without her, one she had no place in now.
She covered her mouth with her hands and carried on back down the lane. She didn’t know where she would go, only that she needed to calm down, sober up, before she went back.
If she went back.
Maybe it would have been better for everyone if she’d stayed away completely.