Chapter 21
E llie’s renewed grief warped her sense of time. She could check out for hours, then experience seconds of remembering that felt like days. Sometimes, there were rare, blissful moments when things were normal, and she could rely on clocks again before everything came crashing back down.
Ellie barely noticed that a week had slipped by until Drake brought up the next ticket on the following Saturday afternoon.
He thought they shouldn’t go back to the cinema; they could skip a visit at least, couldn’t they?
Ever since they’d talked last week, the rules were still officially on pause.
Ellie was quick to agree with his suggestion.
Revisiting the place where she’d watched her brother die, again—and where she would soon see the ugliness that ensued with her family in the aftermath—wasn’t high on her list.
“In that case,” Drake said, “let’s take a walk.
” He pulled her arms up and over her head.
“I don’t think I’ve seen you move from the couch once this week.
” The assumption wasn’t quite true. Ellie had moved from the couch while Drake worked, typing away at a new draft of her piece on My Mother’s Shop, which he still didn’t know about.
She needed to tell him, but there wasn’t enough space inside of her to start that conversation; her mind and heart had reached their capacity for what they could handle.
When Drake wasn’t home, she threw herself into her work to ignore the pain, a familiar way of coping.
“All right. Let’s get out,” Ellie agreed.
There was no use fighting the suggestion.
Besides, Drake had been so kind to her that week—glued to her side, missing afternoons at work.
The least she could do was give in to his support.
As they put their coats on, Nancy’s feet clicked toward them on the wood floor.
Her eyes pleaded to join them. “We could all use some fresh air,” Ellie said, snapping the leash on Nancy’s collar.
Excitement for the holidays was blossoming outside. New lights dotted windowsills, and inflatable reindeer covered lawns draped in fresh snow. As they moved down the slick driveway to the sidewalk, Drake’s gloved hand squeezed hers. “Checking in,” he said. “How are you doing?”
She had been trying to figure that out herself. Not well was putting it too simply. “I feel like I’m riding circles around my own guilt,” Ellie admitted. “I’m on some kind of cursed unicycle.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” he said. “And …” They passed an older couple out for a walk.
Ellie smiled at them, surrendering to how disheveled she looked.
She loved their neighborhood; it was calm, but it didn’t lack movement.
“I don’t want you to feel that way,” Drake told her.
“I mean, you have a right to feel how you feel, but … it really wasn’t your fault. ”
On a factual level, Ellie knew she was being hard on herself.
The accident wasn’t entirely her fault. After all, she hadn’t run a red light.
“I can’t shake the guilt from all the tiny decisions that led to what happened,” she said.
“Decisions that I made. I mean, if I hadn’t called him for a ride.
If we hadn’t stopped for fries. If I had charged my phone and hadn’t wasted precious time looking for his. If I hadn’t said ‘Go’ …”
Drake nodded. “Analyzing all the little things that could’ve happened differently isn’t scientific, you know?
Like, it assumes we can control the future, and we can’t.
This is hard for me to admit, as someone who loves planning for every error or possible outcome that could go wrong. But that’s not how life works.”
The sky was overcast, which gave all the houses a grayish tint, even though they were different hues.
The last week was the first time Ellie had let Drake, or anyone, in about the accident.
She’d always wondered why she struggled to share herself with others.
Now she knew: the moment she started to peel herself open, her brother had died.
As the years passed, this single experience had solidified into a lifelong belief.
Being vulnerable was dangerous. “It feels good to let you in,” Ellie said.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything sooner. Of what I remembered, at least.”
“Hey, don’t worry about that.” Drake pulled her hat over her ears. “It makes sense not to want to revisit the worst night of your life. Honestly, I’m surprised you wanted to go to the cinema at all, knowing that might play.”
“About that,” she started. “I took us there to see that night. I had to see it. I couldn’t remember anything, so I spent all these years worrying. Imagining awful details. Feeling that maybe I was to blame. I needed to know for sure.”
“You didn’t remember anything?”
“Not much. Just bits and pieces,” Ellie told him. “So I had to find out what happened.”
“Are you relieved you saw it?” Drake asked.
“Not at all,” she said. “But, in a way, yes. It was time for me to face it.” The sidewalk moved down a slight slope.
Ellie tightened her grip on Nancy’s leash.
Beyond all the familiar homes, the city’s tall buildings poked out in the distance.
A cloud hovered above the skyline, creating the illusion that the many floating floors extended into space.
The limitlessness of it made Ellie uneasy, as if reality itself was bending.
She needed a distraction, some levity, anything to make the grief hide out for a second.
Before she could express this, Drake moved down the sidewalk, bent to pack some snow together, and threw a snowball her way.
Ellie cracked a smile as the white crumbles fell down her coat, then knelt to the ground to make one of her own.
After her snowball smacked onto Drake’s black puffy coat, he raced toward her in an act of comedic revenge, grabbed Nancy’s leash, and picked Ellie up, moving them farther down the sidewalk and eventually setting her on some snow-covered grass.
She reached her arms out to make a snow angel.
Drake tumbled onto the ground beside her.
Nancy wrapped them closer together with her leash.
“I think we’re in somebody’s yard,” Ellie said.
“It’s probably okay.” Drake’s face was concealed behind his hood. “They’re never home. We could stay here all day. Throw a bash. Winter barbecue—”
“Drake. I need to tell you something.”
He pushed some hair out of her face. “Let’s wait until we’re home and cozy?”
Ellie steeled herself. She had to get it out. He’d made her laugh, which gave her exactly enough relief to voice the second elephant in the room. “Drake, I’ve met Melinda,” she confessed.
Confusion took over his face. “What?”
“I drove to her shop after watching you there together. I had to see it. I don’t know why.
I told myself I wouldn’t be jealous. But it rattled me how happy she made you.
I worried, what if I can’t make you that happy?
And when I was there, Melinda and I started talking.
The shop was struggling. I needed a story.
So, I agreed to write about it.” Ellie searched Drake for a reaction. He looked concerned, she thought.
“But then, you and I had this incredible night at Sal’s, and I realized I should call the story off.
I told you I went out with Jen. I lied. I went to meet Melinda.
Then before I could break the news, Nolan put me up for this job.
An amazing job. And he only thought of me because of the Melinda story.
Anyway, it’s a home show like the ones you watch, but it’s completely within my wheelhouse.
And so, I kept writing about Melinda behind your back.
I wanted the story to make me relevant to the producers.
I really need a win right now. If I don’t get one, I’m worried I’ll fade away and so will all the places I love. I’m sorry, Drake.”
He was parsing through the confession, she sensed, spending a second processing each individual piece. Finally, he looked right up at her. “Seriously?” he asked.
“Yes.” Ellie sighed. She felt infinitely lighter with the secret off her chest. She was ready to handle the consequences. “Seriously.”
Drake moved up onto his elbow. “I …What did you two even talk about?”
“Not you,” Ellie assured him. “Well, other than her thinking that you set this whole thing up, which she does, by the way. Mostly about the store and your town. Nothing too personal.”
Drake paused and assessed the facts. He turned himself to look out at the skyline. The clouds had lifted a bit, giving the buildings the right sense of scale again. “Okay,” he decided with a nod.
“Okay,” Ellie repeated. She couldn’t believe it was that simple. Once again, they were in a situation where telling Drake the truth would’ve made much more sense than the challenging maze she’d put herself through. She wished she’d raised this conversation days ago. “Just, okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.”
“I mean … Are you sure? You don’t want to hash this out more? I can go all in on a hash—”
“Well, it’s weird. Right?” Drake asked. “It’s weird to keep massive secrets like this from each other.”
“I know,” Ellie said. “It is weird. Look, if you ask me not to release my story about her shop, I’ll listen.”
Drake nodded. “I know that. I don’t want that, though.”
Nancy pulled them tighter as she tried to inch her way toward a tree trunk. Drake put his arm around Ellie.
“I’m sorry, too,” he said.
“Why?”
“I’m sorry I made you doubt if I was happy with you.
Things with us are so good that I still question how this can be real.
I’m not exactly lucky with other things.
How did I possibly get this lucky with you?
I need you to know that there’s nothing for you to worry about with Melinda. It was this young love. That’s it.”
Ellie wanted to believe him, but she couldn’t quite let go of the memories. “That day she brought you to the shop just seemed perfect. Like, this total movie moment.”
“Yeah. You’re right. It was a movie moment.
” Drake nodded. “But you have to think about all the things the cinema didn’t play.
I mean, when I was leaving the shop that night, I tripped and crash-landed on my face.
My palms were all scuffed up. I wouldn’t go back in the store because I didn’t want to embarrass myself, so I went home a mess.
It’s like what Natalie said at the beginning.
The cinema has only been showing us moments worthy of a big screen. ”
The crunching of boots came behind them, followed by the face of an upside-down girl in earmuffs. The owners were, in fact, home, it seemed. Ellie and Drake sat up.
“Sorry, sorry. We were just having a rest,” Drake apologized. The girl seemed more curious than bothered.
“Nice place you have,” Ellie told her before they started the return walk to their own home.
As they did, Drake brought the conversation back around to the holiday home show.
He wanted to know everything about it. This was big, he kept saying.
Plus, she was going to have so many “Oh My God” moments.
“What’s an ‘Oh My God’ moment?” Ellie asked. They took their time walking. Holiday lights tucked around windowsills were slowly starting to hum with life.
“You know, when the owners walk around the house at the end and their eyes get wide and they say ‘Oh my god!’ They look kind of possessed, but like, with joy? Those are my favorite parts of those shows.”
“Yeah, well, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves … I don’t know if I’m going to get it for sure.”
Drake stopped walking for a second to make a point. “You will,” he said.
“How do you know?”
He placed both hands on the side of his head like a TV psychic. “Because I’m the guy watching all those shows. And there’s no one who makes me say ‘Oh my god’ quite like you.”
When they got home, Nancy bounded inside. The space had loosened; the living room felt less like a trap and more like a quiet refuge. They lit a fire and played poker on the floor, using their old Halloween candy to place bets. Neither of them were good at it, but that wasn’t the point.
Time made more sense again, at least for the night.