38. Fine
thirty-eight
Fine
I sit down at my mom’s laptop and stare out the window at the rain.
I have to finish an essay for my English class that’s due tomorrow on The Things They Carried.
I’m having a hard time making myself do it.
It’s not just a lack of sleep that’s keeping me from focusing on the paper.
The book is all war stories and soldiers.
It makes me think about Matt joining the Army—and about Jacob.
Jacob hasn't been here for nearly a month. No explanation for his sudden departure from my life. Maybe it’s because he finally fixed the Nag, so he doesn’t have a reason to be at my house anymore.
Possibly, my plan—or Jaz’s plan to make him jealous—just made him angry.
Maybe he never really cared. Maybe it was all in my head.
I’ve replayed our last phone conversation a hundred times. He sounded weird. He gave a lame excuse for not coming to dinner that Sunday. It was the last time I talked to him.
I pull out my notes and try to force my mind back to my paper. I yawn as I wait for Mom’s laptop to come alive. Her email is up. I have every intention of closing it without snooping until I see who the message is from. Trina, Jacob’s mom.
Juli,
How are y’all doing? Things are going pretty well on our end. Gage is doing much better now that I have Steve to help me keep him in line. He might actually make it to graduation if I can ever get him to concentrate on something besides girls.
The good news is that his brothers are finally following his example. Nathan actually has a girlfriend; her name is Angel. He’s absolutely head over heels for her. We haven’t met her yet, but hope to see them over spring break.
It looks like Jacob has found someone too.
Her name is Laini. He sent us a picture of them together.
She’s pretty, but you know Jake — no details .
I was hoping you’d get to meet her so we could get some kind of report.
I know it’s asking a lot, but since Jacob practically lives at your house, maybe you could swing a dinner invitation or something for the two of them?
As a personal favor to me? Let me know. Jacob is terrible about sharing anything from his life, and, you know me; I need details. I’d appreciate it.
Miss you,
Trina
Footsteps pad down the stairs above me. I thought everyone had gone to bed already. I close the email and pull up my paper.
“Jess, is that you?” Mom steps behind me and puts her hand on my shoulder. “Are you still up?”
“Yeah, Mom.” I’m trying to keep my voice from trembling. “I need to finish a paper for English.”
“Can it wait?” She combs her fingers through my hair. You look tired, and I know you have to teach your class tomorrow morning.”
“No, its due tomorrow.” I don’t turn around.
“Why did you leave it so long?”
I snap. “Because I’m always at work or track practice or doing chores or whatever else everyone wants me to do. I don’t have any time.”
I expect her to get after me for talking back; instead, she continues combing through my hair.
“I wish you wouldn’t work so many hours.
Don’t worry so much about money for school.
There are lots of scholarships and other ways to get you through.
We can make it work and you can still enjoy your last few months of high school. ”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
“No, you're exhausted and cranky. You need more sleep.”
“Fine. I’ll go to bed then.” I close the laptop, probably harder than I should, and stand, keeping my head down. I can’t look at her. She’s too good at reading my face. I don’t want her to know there’s something wrong besides the paper and sheer exhaustion. “I guess I’ll just get an F in English.”
Mom stops me. “Are you sure you’re okay? If I can help with anything...” But she doesn’t finish that sentence. She probably already read the email.
“I said, I’m fine.”
I walk up the stairs with a straight face and a stiff back. I stay fine until I close my bedroom door. Then, I bury my face in the pillow and let the tears come.