40. Owing Nothing
forty
Owing Nothing
T hree days after our dinner disaster with Laini, Jacob is waiting for me when I get home. I catch my breath.
Why is he here?
“Ready for that oil change?” He already has the hood up on The Nag.
“Sure,” I try to stay nonchalant as I cross the yard to him.
He tilts his head sideways, appraising me as I get closer. I can only imagine he’s cataloging the stark differences between me and Laini. Or maybe he never thought of me that way anyway. He asks, “What are you doing home so late?”
“I had to fill in for another instructor.”
Jacob looks confused. “Why’d you take the bus?” He raps on The Nag’s hood. “Is this beast giving you problems again?”
“No more than usual, but it’s a gas hog. Riding the bus is cheaper and I need to save money for college next year.”
“Wow. College. That makes me feel old.”
“Ancient,” I deadpan. He’s trying to pull me into the teasing we’ve done a thousand times, but I’m not in the mood for it. “Can I get you a drink or—"
“I’m good." He indicates the water bottle next to him.
“Okay, thanks for the oil change.” I head toward the house. Standing next to him is killing me.
He steps back. “Actually, I could use some help. I couldn’t find anything big enough to catch the old oil. I’m going to have to switch containers in the middle. It’s kind of a dirty job and it involves climbing underneath the car. You want to ask Tyler–”
“He’s at a track meet.”
“Oh. Could you help? It will just take a minute,” he asks, like he’s afraid I’ll say no.
I hesitate for a minute. Most of me wants to get away as soon as possible, but there’s another part of me that still wants to be with him. “Sure,” I look down at the sweats I threw on after the gym. “It’s not like I’m wearing white pants.”
He doesn’t comment on my obvious reference to Laini’s pristine slacks.
“Thanks.” He climbs underneath the Nag and waits for me to join him.
There’s a piece of cardboard under the car, but it’s not quite big enough for both of us.
We’re lying shoulder to shoulder under my car.
It would be cozy, romantic even, if there wasn’t an invisible barrier between us.
“Have the second pan ready to go.” He slides an old metal pan next to my side. “I’ll tell you when.” He works his fingers around the bolt to drain the oil. “Your mom said you’ve been working a lot of extra hours.”
I shrug, even though he’s not looking at me. “Like I said, college money, and I’m thinking about replacing this beast. I need something that will get me to and from Pullman without costing a fortune or leaving me on the side of the road. And school is kind of in a big push to the end.”
“How’s school going?”
“A lot of work, but I think I'll make it."
“That’s good.” Jacob is distracted. I could have probably said 'I'm failing all my classes' and he'd have answered the same way.
We both watch the oil drain for a few minutes of uncomfortable silence.
“You rode the bus? Your parents let you walk by yourself from the stop at the end of the road? I don’t like the idea of you walking that far alone, I don’t think it’s safe."
I start to say something about being a big girl now and about being able to take care of myself. But I like the concern in his voice. If I don’t think too much, I can almost believe that things are still good between us, the way they were before Laini.
He has to ruin it. “So, what do you think of Laini?”
“She’s very pretty.” It’s the only nice, yet sincere statement I can make about Laini.
“Yes she is.” I hate the possessive pride and admiration that comes through in his voice. I roll my eyes and hope that Jacob will leave it at that and not press for more. “Is that all you have to say?”
“Pretty much.” I’m trying to sound nonchalant. There are a lot of things I would like to say to him on the subject of Laini. It’s probably better if I don’t.
“What is it, Jess?” He turns to face me, his hand still supporting the pan catching the oil.
“Nothing.” I can’t meet his eyes. “It’s none of my business who you date.”
“True,” he looks thoughtful. “Laini doesn’t think you like her very much.”
I can only imagine what else Laini might have said about me. I work to keep my voice neutral. “She wasn’t here that long. I barely had a chance to talk to her.”
“But you formed some kind of opinion about her. What do you think?”
I hesitate. He brought up the subject, not me. I take a deep breath. “She’s not good enough for you.”
Jacob laughs. “ She’s not good enough for me ?”
He hit a nerve. I can’t keep quiet anymore. “See that’s the problem Jake, she's not good enough for you, but she thinks she’s too good for you. And somehow she’s convinced you that you aren’t good enough for her either.”
He stares at me. “You don’t like her.”
“No,” I stare back at him.
“Is that why you–”
Oil spills over the edge of the pan. Jacob swears and tries to move it. It splashes over my shoulders and drips into my hair. I scramble to get the second pan under the oil that seems to be coming from everywhere.
"Damnit, Jess hold it steady!"
We're both covered in oil by the time I get the extra drum underneath the oil. Another time, this would have been hilarious. We would have laughed about it and moved on, but the tension between us has been building for too long.
“You probably think I did that on purpose too,” I say as I pull my way out from under the car. “Like what happened with your stupid girlfriend’s stupid pants.”
He stands, looking at me like he doesn’t have any idea what I’m talking about. “I never said you spilled the ribs on purpose. Did you?”
“No! It was an accident. But that doesn’t mean she wasn’t a complete bitch when she was here.”
Jacob stares at me. I know he’s shocked by what I just said. I don’t swear, ever. I don’t even think I've even called Lexie that word. “You’re wrong. You don’t even know her.”
A warning voice in my head is telling me to keep my mouth shut, but I’m tired and frustrated, especially with Jacob.
I ignore it. “You really think I’m wrong?
She tries to act so sweet, but all the time she acted like it was beneath her to even be at our house.
We went out of our way to be nice to her, and she treated us like we were all her servants.
She treats you the same way, Jacob. It makes me sick. ”
I’m out of breath. Jacob looks stunned. His eyes are a mixture of hurt and anger. He turns on me. “What do you know about anything? You’re just being immature.” He might as well have slapped me. His words sting just as much .
“You can dish it out but you sure can’t take it.
It’s fine for you to give your opinion about who I should spend my time with, but if I try to point out the obvious, I’m immature.
” All I want now is to hurt him as much as he hurt me.
“Once you told me that it wasn’t nice for pretty women to play with men’s hearts.
Now you’re the one that’s being played. Only you’re so blinded by the pretty face that you don’t even realize it. ”
Jacob lets out a long angry breath. “Don’t try to do me any favors. I’m done with you. Do whatever you want, go out with whoever. I won’t be around to get in your way.” He slams down the hood of my car and starts to walk away.
I can’t let it go. “I may be just an immature kid, but at least I know who my real friends are.”
I run into the house and slam the door behind me. Mom looks up from the computer in shock when she sees my face, stained shirt, and oil coated hair. I don’t answer the questions in her eyes. I run up to my room and slam the door behind me.
Jacob is still working on my car when I get out of the shower after washing my hair about ten times. At some point he must have come in and changed into one of Matt’s old sweatshirts.
Why did he stay? It should make me feel guilty. Instead, it just makes me more mad at him.
I can only think of one thing to do.
Tyler is sitting on his bed listening to his headphones and doing homework when I walk in his room without knocking.
I unplug his headphones and sit on the bed.
“Hey! What gives?” he yells.
“Do you still have all of your lawn mowing money in your sock drawer?’
He looks at me suspiciously. “How do you know that?”
Like it’s not common knowledge. “Can I borrow some?”
“What about your own money?”
“I need cash, now. Some of us actually keep our money in the bank.”
“Why?” he's obviously waiting for the catch.
“Just don’t ask questions okay? I’ll pay you five bucks for the loan.”
“Make it ten.”
“Okay fine, whatever.” I need him to hurry. I don't want Jacob to leave.
He walks over to his drawer and opens it, blocking it with his body so I can't see inside. Like it makes a difference. “How much do you need?”
I think for a minute. “Like $200, no $220.”
He looks skeptical, “That much, why?’
“No questions, remember. You know I’ll pay you back.”
He counts out the money. I’m pretty sure he’ll be moving his money after this—someplace safer, like his underwear drawer.
I fold the money into an envelope and write a quick note. “Car repair.” Then I put another note on the twenty. “For breakfast.” I seal the envelope and send Tyler down to give it to Jacob. That costs me another five dollars.
I’m standing behind the curtain in my bedroom when Tyler hands Jacob the envelope. He glances up at my window when he takes it. Tyler heads back to the house as Jacob tears open the envelope. I move away from the window. I hope he gets the message.
I don’t want to owe him anything.