56. NowNever
fifty-six
Now or Never
E ven in the daylight the barn makes me nervous. I stand at the door for a long time, not sure I can make myself go inside. Dad boarded up the broken window and propped the door open with a fence post. The opening looks like a wide, gaping mouth. Beyond it is a wall of black. I can't see inside.
I take a deep breath, and I force myself to walk through the door.
The creak of the stairs to the loft sends an icy shiver up my spine. I keep pushing myself forward. When I reach the top, I breathe a sigh of triumph or maybe just relief.
The loft is clean. I’m not sure who cleaned it, Mom or Dad.
Maybe they made Tyler do it for leaving a loaded gun in the barn.
Almost all the markings of the struggle are gone.
I pick out a few brown spots, drops of blood that soaked into the old wood floorboards—blood from me, or Brad, or Jacob.
I don’t know. The floor in the corner where I shot Brad is scrubbed and bleached white. I don't know how much he bled.
It makes me sick to think about it.
I kneel next to the opening of the grain bin. The crate that was there is gone. I duck down to see inside, run my fingers over the marks my fingernails made in the wood when Brad dragged me out. I can’t make myself go inside.
I can save that moment for another time.
Rain clatters on the tin roof. I close my eyes and breathe in—remembering—dust and musty hay.
If I’m brave enough to do this, I have to do it right.
I have to go back. I step into the corner where I put the locket.
When I pick it up, it feels like an old friend; every dent and scratch is familiar.
I trace it with my fingers, brush it across my lips.
The stairs creak with another set of footsteps. My heart races.
“Jess, are you up here?” he calls.
This time I answer. “I’m in here, Jacob.”
I turn around and watch his face emerge through the trapdoor. He crosses the room to me. I slide the necklace into my pocket before he sees it.
“Hey,” he says. “You disappeared. What are you doing up here?”
“Thinking,” I turn my back on him and go to the window, wipe the condensation from the glass, and gaze outside.
He stands behind me. “What are you thinking about?”
I slide my fingers into my pocket and trace smooth silver. “I used to have a lot of good memories of this barn.”
“I did too.”
I look out on my backyard—the multicolored leaves on the hills, the long driveway pockmarked with puddles, my house, my bedroom window. Home. I slide my fingers across the locket, looking for courage.
I turn around to face him and hold it up for him to see. “Do you remember this?”
He takes it and turns it over in his hand. “It's the locket I gave you when we moved. You were wearing it on prom night.”
That catches me off guard. I didn’t think anyone had seen it. “How did you know that?”
“You touched it when I handed you the corsage. I could see it through the fabric of your dress.” He rubs it between his fingers, the way I used to. He smiles mischievously. “If I remember right, when I gave it to you, you promised you’d never take it off.”
“I kept that promise. Well, mostly. I didn’t always wear it. But,” I look down at the floor. “I always kept it with me.”
“Always?” His gaze is heavy on my face, but I can’t look up at him.
“Almost always. In my pocket.” I touch the pocket of my jeans. “Do you remember what else you gave me the day you moved?”
Now he’s looking down too. Looking down and rubbing the locket. “I’ve thought about that a lot, Jess. Why I did what I did. I just wanted you to feel better. It didn’t mean anything. I mean, I don’t want you to think—”
I put my hand over his hand, so now we’re both holding the locket. “It was perfect.”
“Perfect?” he looks up at me.
I nod. Now I’m caught in his brown-eyed gaze. “It was exactly what I needed. I needed to know someone cared. I needed to know I was okay."
He looks confused, but I know I have to keep going before I lose my nerve.
“I went through a lot after you left. I was awkward and shy. I was fat. I had braces and glasses, and crazy hair and all those things that give kids license to torment another kid. And they did. But no matter how bad it got, I had your locket, and I had the memory of your kiss. And if Jacob Ricks thought I was okay, then it didn’t matter what anyone else said. ”
I sit back, lean my cheek against the window, and watch the raindrops sliding down the edge of the roof. “At the end of ninth grade, I joined the track team, and then I joined the swim team. And I ran and I swam and I killed myself until I looked good.”
“And it really sucked to be one of those guys who made fun of you.”
“Maybe.” I have to smile. “Things seemed perfect for a while. But after I had everything I thought was important—popularity, the body I wanted, and Brad,” I shake my head and look down. “I figured out none of it was worth the price I’d paid and it wasn't what I really wanted anyway.”
I can feel Jacob’s breath on the back of my neck, but I can’t face him. “And then you were back. This perfect, incredible guy that I built up in my mind all that time. Someone I had carried with me for years. But you were real.”
His voice is soft. “I’m sorry if I didn’t live up to what you expected me to be.”
I shake my head. “Actually, the problem was you were everything I thought you would be. You were sweet and gorgeous and perfect,” I take a breath, “And you still cared what happened to me. You fixed my car, you tried to protect me. You saved my life.” I turn around and face him.
“And then you stood by me when everything was falling apart. I could never repay you for any of that.”
“You don’t have to repay me. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Bruised, but not broken,” I echo the doctor’s words, “Weaker, but at the same time tougher than I thought I was." I turn to face him. "I’m okay. I don’t need a locket or an imaginary boy to tell me that anymore. I guess that means I’ve finally grown up.”
He takes a breath like he wants to say something, but then he doesn't.
I look up, my eyes locked on his. “There's one more thing.”
Now or never.
I move closer. Stand on tiptoe. Tip my face towards his.
And kiss him.
On the lips, lightly and so fast that when it’s over, I can’t really be sure I actually did it. I look down at the floor and draw circles with my foot. “I had to do that now. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get another chance.”
My face burns. My heart pounds. Despite my big speech, my confidence is gone. I’m that awkward little girl again. I keep my eyes on the scarred floorboards, afraid to see his expression. Afraid of what he’s about to say.
He steps forward and takes my face in his hands. I meet his eyes, but only for a second.
He kisses me.
His second kiss is sweeter than any kiss I’ve ever felt before. He holds me for a long time, his lips moving against mine. Soft. Tender. So powerful it takes my breath away.
He pulls away, but leaves his hands on my face, his eyes filled with a softness I've never seen in them before. “And I did that because I’m really hoping for the chance to do it again.” He wraps his arms around me and pulls me against his chest. “I have a confession to make too. I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I saw you teaching your kickboxing class. ”
I pull away from him. “Really?”
“Didn’t you ever wonder why I was always around? Why I was so protective of you, especially when it came to other guys? Why I was at the club that night or why I came back to your house the night of your prom?”
I give him a teasing smile. “You were stalking me?”
“Kind of.” He laces his fingers through mine. “I went to the club because Jasmine called me. She was worried about you, about you being with Brad.” He laughs. “Laini was so excited that I was finally taking her someplace fun, and well, you know how that turned out.”
“Jasmine called you?” I can hardly believe it. I thought it was a dumb coincidence that we ended up at the same place. “And after Prom?”
He shakes his head. “It's like I told the lawyer. I got into another fight with Laini. She kicked me out of her car on the side of the road. I thought about calling Gage to come get me, but I didn’t want to ruin your night. I could have called one of the guys from base to pick me up. Instead I started walking. I walked for an hour before I realized where I was going. I thought about turning around a hundred times. I’m so glad I didn’t. ”
“You ended up at my house at exactly the right time,” I say.
He pulls me into his arms again. “Not soon enough. But if I hadn’t come that night...” He leans his forehead against mine, but doesn't finish that sentence.
“Thank you. For always being there for me.” I run my fingers over the scar above his eye. "Even when you didn’t know you were.” I pull back. “What about Laini? She called you that day, when we were at that trail, and Mom said she was coming with you today.”
He lets out a long breath. “Laini’s dad works in the Attorney General’s office. I thought he might be able to help us with the court case. I wanted to tell you that, but you didn’t give me a chance. You ran away.”
“I’m sorry. I should have let you explain.”
“Besides, in the lawyer’s office, you’d basically said under oath that I was nothing more to you than an old family friend, a brother.
That there was nothing between us.” He steps back.
“And then you left for school without saying goodbye, and I thought that meant you were done with me for good. That you didn’t feel the same way I did.
I tried to go back to Laini, but I couldn’t do it.
I didn’t feel anything for her. I never have.
I told her that, and she laughed at me. She said, ‘it’s not like I was going to wait for you anyway.
’” He hangs his head. “You were right about her, right about everything.”
He takes both of my hands. “I’ve been so stupid for so long.
I was confused about what I wanted and what I felt.
You were too young; you weren’t interested.
I wasn’t good enough for you. That one’s still true.
But I know what I want now. I only want you.
I love you, Jess. I’ve loved you for a long time. ”
They're the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long. I wrap my arms around him and pull him against my chest. “I love you too, Jacob. I’ve loved you since that day in the barn, even before that.”
“I didn’t know.” He shakes his head. “I guess we need to work on our communication skills.”
I lift my face and kiss him again, pull him tight against me, slide my fingers up under his shirt and along his back. Then, I lean back and trace his lips with my fingers. “How was that?”
“Much better. I like how you communicate.” He moves his lips inches from mine and whispers, “But I think we should still work on it.”
I lose track of how many kisses. I lose track of a lot of things.
We stay in each other’s arms for a long time.
Like we have forever. I can feel his breath on my neck.
His chest against mine. The rain plinks against the metal roof overhead.
The smell of his cologne mixes with the mustiness of the old loft.
I close my eyes and commit everything to memory.
A new most precious memory.
It will have to last a long time.