Chapter 13 #3
His eyes open, his smile widening. “What?”
“That smile,” I say, running a finger over his cheek. “I’ve never seen one that big on your face before.”
He sighs, still smiling as he nods. “Yeah. I’m… Yeah.”
I giggle again. “Me, too. That was…” I roll farther onto my side, bringing my hand to his chest, loving the feel of his heart still beating fast under my palm. “That was the best.”
“The very best,” he agrees, sobering as he adds, “thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” I say. “I had a good time, too. Believe me.”
“No, I just…” He pauses, wetting his lips with his talented tongue. “I just meant that I don’t intend to take this lightly. I know a second chance at being the man in your life wasn’t a guarantee. I know this is a big leap of faith. I promise I won’t make you regret it.”
My forehead furrows, an unpleasant flutter in my stomach disrupting the post-coital rush of happy hormones. “A second chance? I, um—”
I break off, not wanting to hurt him, but in the end, I have no choice but to say something. I can’t let him assume something that is completely not a thing he should be assuming.
At least, not yet.
I shift my weight, sitting up a bit, putting some distance between us before I add in the gentlest tone possible, “I’m so sorry, Blue, if I gave you the impression that this was…
something more serious than it was. I care about you, and I’m so glad you’re here,” I say, hurrying to add as his smile fades.
“And that was incredible. You’re the best lover I’ve ever had, by leaps and bounds and bushels and pecks, but I…
” I trail off, guilt squirming through my guts as hurt flashes in his eyes.
“But I’m not ready to make any big decisions right now.
I need time to think, reflect, and figure out how I feel about the latest plot twist. You know? ”
He swallows, his throat working for a beat before he asks in a careful voice, “I thought you said the things I wrote were what you wanted to hear. What you needed to hear.”
“They were,” I say. “They are, but…” I sigh, realizing how unfair this probably feels to him.
And it is unfair, to both of us, really, but it also…is what it is.
“But I’m not the girl who wanted to hear them anymore,” I add softly.
“I’m the woman who made it to the other side of being desperate for the father of her child to want a place in her life.
And I like who I am now. I like how strong and steady I feel.
Strong and steady is what I want to give my daughter.
It’s what she deserves. Anything that might put that strength or steadiness at risk is something I have to consider very carefully. I hope that makes sense.”
He nods. “So, this was just sex?”
I arch a pointed brow. “I mean, not just sex. It was really hot sex. The best sex ever. Artisanal sex, some might say.”
Thankfully, he exhales a huff of laughter, letting the joke land. “Thanks. I’ve always wanted to be artisanal at sex. I think…”
He trails off, nodding as he studies the painting on the wall, the one of the Great Mother, sleeping underground, waiting for the lost world above to call her back to the surface. I bought it before the pregnancy, before I became a woman who feels more connection to the Mother than the Maiden.
It called to me then, but now…
Now it is a constant reminder of what I want to build for my little girl. Of the strength it’s going to take to bring true Mother power back to our struggling world. It’s big, important work. Maybe the most important work. And to do it, I have to be ready to alchemize some serious energy.
Maybe I can do that with a man in my bed, in my life.
Maybe I can’t.
But deep in my heart, a voice whispers to take it slow, to wait and see how things go. I’ll know when the time is right to pursue something more serious with Blue. If the time is ever right.
And in the meantime, maybe we can do this friends with benefits thing that feels so nice, so safe. And so insanely hot that I’m already thinking about how much I’d like to feel him inside me from behind…
I’m pondering the best way to ask Blue how he feels about ravaging me in the shower, when a shriek pierces the air.
The sound is loud enough to make us both flinch, but I’m the one closest to the edge of the mattress. I’m about to tumble onto the floor when Blue scoops me back onto the bed with one big hand.
Before I can thank him, Clover cries, “Don’t do it, you monster. No! You can’t eat them. You can’t!”
“Stay here, I’ll be right back,” Blue says, leaping off the mattress, his shirt already over his head. He tugs his jeans on without bothering with underwear, and is at the door by the time another pitiful moan echoes down the hallway.
I rush to follow him, aware of the ache in my booted foot for the first time since Archer pulled me into his arms. I tug my dress on, cursing as I realize I left my crutches by the door. But my boot does a decent job of offering support, and I can’t stay here and wait for Blue.
I have to know what’s going on. I have to know poor Clover is okay.
I limp carefully down the hall, reaching Clover’s room just as Blue lifts her water to her lips.
“There you go, it’s okay,” he murmurs. “Get a drink. It was just a dream.”
“Hate these meds,” Clover murmurs wearily as she swallows and lies back on her pillow.
Blue strokes her hair from her forehead. “I can see why. They’re not being very good to you.”
“No, they’re not.” Her bottom lip pushes out. “The toilet was eating puppies. A whole litter. And laughing the entire time. I hate that toilet.”
“I hate that toilet, too,” Blue says, making Clover’s lips twitch.
“It sounds silly when you say it,” she says, the words slurring into a yawn. “I’m so tired.”
“Go back to sleep.” Blue draws the blanket up to her shoulders. “I’ll stay and watch the toilet for a while. Make sure it behaves itself so you can rest.”
“Thank you, Blue.” She sighs, her lids sliding shut as she whispers, “You’re a good one.”
He is.
Blue is a good one, maybe even a great one. And if he’s half as sweet to his child as he’s being to Clover right now, he’s going to be a wonderful father.
I’m so happy that he wants to be a part of our baby’s life.
I’m just not sure I want that to be as my boyfriend. It’s going to be hard enough learning how to parent together. Do we really want to add being a brand-new couple to the learning curve?
If we’d started earlier, maybe. But we only have a few months until Bean is here, and it’s not like we’ll be spending that in a vacuum, where we have plenty of time to focus on building a strong foundation for a relationship. We’ll be taking care of Clover while working demanding, full-time jobs.
I’m supposed to do a photo shoot on Saturday that’s scheduled to run from dusk ‘til dawn, and I’ll likely need to sleep most of the next day to recover.
Not to mention long days at the studio putting the finishing touches on the album.
And Blue’s game and travel schedule is only going to get more hectic as the season progresses.
Heck, that’s probably a couple of weeks of our time left alone together gone right there! It’s way better if we keep things friendly. And if that friendship includes “benefits”? Fabulous.
And if not…
Well, then, I’ll respect the fact that casual sex isn’t what Blue’s looking for, and we’ll move on like adults who are focused on what’s best for their child.
A part of me knows I’m reaching. If I wanted to jump into a “second chance” with Blue—though, honestly, I can’t see that we’ve had a “first chance.” We had a friendship, then a one-night stand. We were never a couple—I certainly could.
But I was telling the truth when I said I’m not the woman who dreamed of Blue sweeping her off her feet anymore.
I’m a woman who’s ready to stand on her own feet.
At least one of them…
Quietly, I turn away from Clover’s door and hobble back down the hall.
I fetch my crutches, gather Blue’s remaining clothes from my bed, and leave them folded by the door to his room.
Then I shut my door and head for the shower.
The evidence of the things Blue and I did washes away easily enough, but the memories linger long after I’ve turned off the lights.
The well-used feeling between my legs, the smell of him on my sheets, the soft stirrings outside as he gets ready for bed—they make it impossible to think of anything but the man in my guest room.
The father of my baby.
The guy I probably shouldn’t have ravaged like a feral shipwreck victim, who hasn’t seen a man in years.
Mistakes may have been made.
I guess we’ll see when the sun rises on mine and Blue’s first morning as unexpected roommates…