Chapter 7
I walked all the way to Leme, not paying attention to anything.
Just another unemployed person, another statistic.
Lying back against Pedra do Leme, with the view of Copacabana beach in front of me, I took off my shoes and put my feet in the sand.
The sea was rough, and I didn’t want to risk going in the water, though swimming in my clothes did sound nice.
Once it got dark, I went home. I heard chatter in the living room as I turned the key.
Hugo and Piglet, sitting on the couch, had their eyes glued on Umberto, who was standing and gesturing in a dark suit with a purple polka-dot bow tie.
Miguel looked like a bum with his shoulders hunched, observing the scene from the armchair in the corner.
Umberto interrupted his spiel to welcome me.
“Dante, my boy!”
He walked toward me with open arms, like a good friend. I didn’t hesitate: I shoved the bastard, who fell back onto the couch. Hugo held me back before I could punch him.
“Chill out, Dante, come on!”
Umberto had some nerve showing up at my home and trying to sweet-talk my friends. I wanted to chase him out, but I backed off when Miguel looked up and said to me sorrowfully, “Just hear him out, Dante.”
Miguel was the most honest and ethical guy I knew, and yet he was the one to make that request of me.
“There’s no reason to treat me that way, son.
” Umberto got up, straightened his wrinkled jacket, and took a purple handkerchief from his breast pocket to blow his nose.
“Hugo told me about the police officer who came knocking. Detective Amóz, right? Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.
I’ll make sure he forgets about this whole thing and won’t bother anyone else. ”
Hugo pulled me by the arm and onto the couch, squeezing me between him and Piglet.
“So now you think you can boss around the cops?” I scoffed.
“Status can boss around anyone, kid. We’ve already talked about this.” Umberto placed his hand on Miguel’s shoulder consolingly. “This young man here told me what happened at the hospital … I’ll try to put out that fire, too. After all, we’re going to be partners. Basically family!”
Miguel kept his head down, staring at the ground. Piglet put his index finger to his mouth, asking me to keep quiet.
“Listen, Dante. Just listen,” he murmured.
“Our dinner business is going to be my new baby. I’m going to put all my energy into this. I always play to win. We’re going to put on several more dinner parties and make a shit ton of money. And we’ll split the earnings. Half for me, half for you guys.”
“Only fifty percent?” I asked ironically. “Gee, you really do have our best interests at heart, huh?”
“Hey, don’t look at me like that. What’s the problem with fifty percent? I can help in more ways than you can imagine. Not just with capital. With the client portfolio as well. Searching for interested people online will get us into trouble. The Feds could catch us, and then we’re screwed.”
“You’re just a broke, washed-up old man, Umberto. You’re no help at all…”
His face went red and he cleared his throat.
“I know the right people, Dante. I know exactly who would be interested in an exotic experience like this. Congressmen, mayors, businesspeople, artists, lawyers, celebrities, I know everyone. Anybody with money, name or fame, I know them. I’ll tell all my friends at the jockey club, the yacht club, and the golf course.
A lot of people will want to get in on this.
Your idea is worth its weight in gold, boys! ”
“We’re gonna be rich!” said Piglet, with a hearty laugh.
Umberto seized the enthusiasm and added:
“And we’re not going to charge three thousand anymore. From now on it’s five grand a plate. Ten people per dinner. Only high-society types, the real crème de la crème. It’s going to be a hit. Everybody eating … seagull! Just you wait.”
It was outrageous. I waited for one of my friends to react, but all they did was nod their heads in agreement, like a bunch of bobbleheads.
“Does it really have to be fifty-fifty?” Hugo insisted. “There’s four of us! That doesn’t leave very much for each.”
“Don’t be so greedy, kid. We’re going to earn so much money you’ll each make a small fortune!”
“And why exactly do you need us to do this?”
“What a question! You are all essential … Hugo, you’re a wizard in the kitchen, and that makes all the difference.”
Hugo stroked his tattooed arms, swallowing the compliment with false modesty.
“Piglet will handle digital marketing and ensure the company’s confidentiality,” Umberto continued. “Miguel has the know-how about the human body and you, Dante, you’re the administrator, the brains behind it all.”
“Thanks for that. Do you also know how to get the meat? Is the idea to break into more hospitals or just keep running over people in the street?”
Hugo made a move to speak, but Umberto answered before he could say anything.
“Of course not, I have a much better idea. It’s clean, nobody gets hurt …
You all don’t know about this, but my family owns the largest chain of crematoriums in Brazil.
It’s not on my business card, naturally.
It’s not something I’m proud of, we have many other businesses, but anyway …
Burning Love Crematoriums. Heard of it?”
“No,” answered Piglet, speaking for everyone.
“We have locations in over twenty cities. And they even make a little money. Not much, but enough. The rich have stopped burying their relatives. Nowadays they only care about cremation. I guess it’s so they can ensure the deceased never return from the grave…”
Umberto cackled and almost choked. For a moment I hoped he’d suffocate right then and there.
“Sorry, that wasn’t funny,” he said when he recovered. “Well … I think you get the idea. Now, with our business venture, I’ve found another use for Burning Love Crematoriums: That’s where I’ll get the raw materials for you boys.”
It was unbearable to sit there in silence and listen to him blather on.
“What are you even talking about?”
“Body laundering! It’s quite simple, actually: When a body arrives at the crematorium, I’ll take a look at the deceased’s history.
If they died from an accident, an illness—in short, how and when the person died.
If the quality of the meat hasn’t been jeopardized, I put the body aside.
I give the family some random ashes in an urn, they’ll be none the wiser.
Then I bring the body here, already bled, ready to be butchered and served at the next secret dinner. ”
“Are you being serious?” I had to ask. “Miguel, aren’t you going to say anything?”
“Piglet and Hugo have already agreed,” Umberto said. “Miguel also said he’s in.”
“He’s in? That’s impossible!”
Miguel started crying in the armchair and I felt all my confidence vanish. He shook and sobbed.
“I’m doing it for my mom.”
That tore me up inside. Piglet and Hugo had taken advantage of Miguel’s weakness and convinced him to get involved. It wasn’t fair.
“You all have a lot of work ahead of you!” said Umberto, as if he couldn’t see Miguel was a wreck.
“When you receive the bodies, you’ll need to clean everything, select the cuts, season them, and prepare the dinner.
You’ll need to invest your time too, obviously.
Putting together menus, setting the ambiance, creating Rio’s most enjoyable gastronomic orgy!
This is the real deal, boys! It will be high quality.
The meat, I mean. We’re pioneers. Get ready to do some in-depth research.
It’s a whole new world. Which type of meat is better?
Man or woman? Black or white? Fat or thin?
Old or young? Does an American taste like an Asian?
You’re going to have to find out. And soon, so you can help me select the best bodies from the crematorium. ”
“Cannibal dinners!”
“Come on, it’s seagull meat,” Umberto snarked.
“I still haven’t said yes to any of this…”
“It’s now or never, Dante. You’ll be the manager and make the decisions when I’m not around. Take it or leave it.” He fixed his hawk eyes on me. “So are we going to be filthy rich or what?”