14. Ethan
Ethan
I’d barely touched my chicken strips, which wasn’t like me.
Usually there wasn’t a chicken nugget alive that would survive my wrath, but I was so distracted I barely even thought about eating.
Calder sat across the table from me, slowly working through his burger.
Our lunch date, while exciting at first, had quickly turned into a bit of a slog.
Calder had been distant since picking me up, giving short answers to my questions and avoiding eye contact.
The easy banter from our motorcycle ride a couple days ago had evaporated, replaced by an awkward tension that made my stomach twist with anxiety.
"So," I said, trying to break the silence, "everything okay? You seem... different today."
Calder looked up from his burger, those light brown eyes meeting mine for the first time since we'd sat down. There was something guarded in his expression, almost suspicious. "Different how?" His voice was carefully neutral.
I set down my fork, giving up the pretense of eating. "I don't know. A couple days ago you were more relaxed, joking around. Today you're acting like I'm interviewing you for a crime you committed."
Something flickered across his features at my choice of words. "Maybe I'm just not much of a talker during the day."
"Bullshit." The word came out sharper than I intended, and I saw his eyebrows raise slightly. "Look, if you don't want to be here, just say so. I'm a big boy, I can handle rejection. Besides, it’s not like you want anything to do with me anyway, right? You know, since you’re straight and all.”
Calder’s brows furrowed as he glared at me. “I am straight.”
“Then what the hell are you doing taking a gay guy out to lunch on your motorcycle?!” I cried, louder than I intended. Several of the other cafe goers turned our way, staring openly. “Don’t tell me it’s just because you wanna be friends. I’m not fucking stupid.”
He seemed very taken aback by my sudden irritation.
Even I was surprised to be honest. I wasn’t sure what had gotten me so worked up.
Maybe it was Marcus Greer’s death or maybe it was Jake’s confession.
Despite all that, my heart still pounded every time I was near Calder, every time he texted me out of the blue.
My heart wanted him for some reason and his not-so-secret glances at my ass whenever he thought I wasn’t looking were driving me crazy.
Why couldn’t he just admit it instead of jerking me around?
The color drained from Calder's face, then rushed back in a wave of red that crept up his neck. His jaw worked silently for a moment, like he was chewing on words he couldn't quite spit out.
"Keep your voice down," he growled, glancing around at the curious stares we were attracting.
"Or what?" I challenged, leaning forward across the table. "You'll storm out and pretend this never happened? News flash, Calder, you're the one who keeps calling me. You're the one who agreed to lunch. So either tell me what you want or stop wasting my time."
His hands clenched into fists on the table, knuckles going white.
For a split second, something wild flashed in his eyes, something that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
But then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and when he opened them again, that guarded mask was back in place.
"You don't know what you're talking about," he said quietly.
"Don't I?" I grabbed a french fry and pointed it at him accusingly. "Because from where I'm sitting, it looks like a guy who's attracted to someone but too scared to admit it. And you know what? I'm tired of playing games."
I stood up abruptly, my chair scraping against the floor. "Thanks for lunch, Calder. When you figure out what you actually want, give me a call. In the meantime, I have a life to live and men worth my time to date."
I turned to leave, my heart hammering with a mixture of anger and disappointment. I'd made it three steps before his voice stopped me.
"Ethan, wait."
The rough desperation in his tone made me pause, but I didn't turn around. "Why? So you can tell me again how straight you are while undressing me with your eyes all the fucking time?"
"Because you're right."
The admission was so quiet I almost missed it. I turned slowly, finding him still seated but staring at me with an expression I couldn't quite read. Vulnerable, maybe. Terrified, definitely.
"I'm right about what?" I asked, taking a step back toward the table.
Calder's throat worked as he swallowed hard. "About... about me being attracted to you. About being scared." His voice dropped even lower. "About not knowing what the hell I want."
My anger deflated like a punctured balloon. I could see the genuine confusion in his eyes, the war between what he thought he should feel and what he actually felt. I'd seen that look in the mirror plenty of times growing up.
"Calder..." I started, but he held up a hand.
"I need some air," he said, standing abruptly. "This place is too..." He gestured vaguely at the curious onlookers still watching our drama unfold.
Without waiting for a response, he headed for the door. I hesitated for a moment, then followed him outside into the cool afternoon air. Dark clouds were gathering overhead, promising another downpour like the one that had caught us on our first motorcycle ride.
Calder stood with his back to me, hands shoved deep in his leather jacket pockets. His shoulders were rigid with tension, and I could see the rapid rise and fall of his breathing even from several feet away.
"Look," I said, moving closer but still giving him space. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot in there. Well… maybe I did a little bit. I just—"
"You don't understand," he cut me off, still not turning around. "It's not that simple."
"What's not simple about it?" I asked. "Either you're attracted to me or you're not. Either you want to explore that or you don't. Seems pretty fucking simple.”
He let out a harsh laugh that held no humor. "You think it's just about attraction?"
"What else would it be?"
Finally, he turned to face me, and the raw conflict in his eyes made my chest tighten. "There are things about me you don't know, Ethan. Things that would change how you see me."
"Try me," I said, stepping closer. "I'm not as fragile as you think." Funny how I’d fed almost the same line to Jake the day before.
For a moment, I thought Calder might actually tell me whatever secret he was carrying. His mouth opened, closed, then opened again. But before he could speak, the first fat raindrops began to fall.
"Shit," he muttered, looking up at the darkening sky. "We should get inside."
"No," I said firmly, ignoring the rain that was quickly picking up intensity. "You’re not running away from this conversation again. Give me an answer."
The rain began in earnest then, soaking through my white t-shirt within seconds. Calder's dark hair was already plastered to his forehead, water dripping from his jaw. But neither of us moved.
"What do you want from me?" he asked, his voice barely audible over the sound of rain hitting the pavement.
"Honesty," I replied, having to raise my voice as the downpour intensified. "Just tell me the truth, Calder. Stop hiding behind this straight guy act and tell me what you're really feeling."
He stared at me for a long moment, rain streaming down his face.
I could see the war behind his eyes and I could tell it was eating him alive.
Of course I understood what he was going through.
Coming out was hard when the news was filled with politicians fighting every day about whether gay people should have the right to marry, to have kids, or to even exist. I already knew Calder didn’t have a family to answer to, but he still had friends, employees, and clients that saw him in a certain light.
If he gave into his urges and tried something new, he could be risking it all.
I thought for sure that he’d walk away from me.
His head turned side to side, trying to see if anyone was watching us.
Just when I thought he was going to run, he locked his gaze on mine.
Then, without warning, he closed the distance between us in two quick strides.
His hands came up to frame my face, fingers threading through my wet hair.
"The truth?" he said, his face inches from mine. "The truth is you're driving me fucking crazy."
And then his mouth was on mine.
His lips crashed against mine with a desperate hunger that took my breath away.
For a split second, I froze in shock. Calder was actually kissing me.
But then my body responded on instinct, melting into him as my hands found purchase under his soaked leather jacket, my fingers digging into his hips.
The rain pounded around us, cold and relentless, but all I could feel was the heat of his mouth, the impossible warmth of his body pressed against mine.
His kiss was nothing like I'd imagined. It wasn’t tentative or questioning, but confident and demanding, like he'd been holding himself back for far too long.
When he finally pulled away, his breathing ragged, those light brown eyes were flecked with gold and something that looked almost like panic.
"Shit," he whispered, his hands still cradling my face. "I shouldn't have done that."
"Why not?" I asked, my voice barely audible over the downpour. My heart was hammering so hard I was sure he could feel it.
Lightning flashed overhead, briefly illuminating his conflicted expression. "Because now I don't think I can stop."
Before I could respond, his lips found mine again, more gently this time but no less intense.
I felt myself being walked backward until my back pressed against the brick wall of the café.
One of his hands moved to my waist, fingers digging into my hip with just enough pressure to make me gasp against his mouth.
The sound seemed to break something in him.
He deepened the kiss, his tongue sliding against mine as his body pressed me harder into the wall.
I could feel every hard plane of his chest, the solid strength of his thighs against mine.
And there was no mistaking his rather impressive arousal, hot and insistent against my hip.
"Calder," I breathed when he finally broke the kiss to trail his lips along my jaw. "We're in public."
He froze, his forehead dropping to rest against mine as reality seemed to crash back over him. "Fuck," he muttered, pulling back slightly but not releasing me. "I… I’m sorry."
The rain had soaked us both completely, my white t-shirt now practically transparent and clinging to my skin. Calder's eyes dropped to my chest, lingering for a moment before he forced his gaze back to my face.
"Want to get out of here?" I asked, trying to keep my voice light despite the fact that I wanted him to take me right there on the sidewalk. To make me his without regret. My jeans were so tight with arousal that it was almost painful. I’d never wanted anyone this bad before.
Something like fear flickered across his features. "I... I don't know if that's a good idea."
The emotional whiplash was giving me vertigo. "You just had me pinned to a wall with your tongue down my throat, and now you're backing off again?"
He ran a hand through his wet hair, sending droplets flying. "I… I just need some time to think."
"Fine," I said, frustration building again as I pushed myself away from him. “Go think. Let me know when you’ve got it figured out.”
Thunder rumbled overhead as I walked away, stuffing my hands in my pockets, the cold rain running down my back and shoulders.
And yet, despite the cold and the anger, my skin was flushed with desire and my cock was rock hard.
Calder, despite all the warning bells going off in my head, had gotten under my skin.
What the hell was I gonna tell Jake?