32. Ethan
Ethan
I stood rooted to the spot, transfixed by the words that had just come out of Calder’s mouth. He… loved me? It seemed so fast… we barely knew one another. But at the same time, I couldn’t deny the overwhelming urge to say it back to him.
And it looked like I wasn’t the only one taken aback by his sudden outburst. Trevor’s mouth was hanging clean open, his gaze slowly going between the two of us. The entire house was silent. In fact, I was fairly certain none of us had taken a breath in several seconds.
“You don’t have to say it back,” Calder nearly shouted, the red rushing into his cheeks. He turned his gaze to the ground, his hand pinching the bridge of his nose. “In fact, just forget I said anything. That was stupid. I shouldn’t have… I didn’t…”
"It's okay," I found myself saying, taking a step toward him. "I… I feel it too."
His head snapped up, those golden-flecked eyes meeting mine with such naked hope it made my chest ache.
Trevor cleared his throat awkwardly. "I should... probably go."
Neither of us acknowledged him. I was too busy crossing the distance between Calder and me, my heart hammering against my ribs like it was trying to escape.
"You do?" Calder's voice was barely above a whisper, rough with emotion.
"Yeah," I admitted, reaching for his hand. "I don't understand it. It's crazy and too fast and completely illogical, but..." I swallowed hard, feeling like I was jumping off a cliff without knowing how deep the water below might be. "I'm falling in love with you too."
The smile that broke across his face was like sunrise after the longest night, brilliant and warm and full of promise. He pulled me into his arms, holding me like I might disappear if he let go.
Trevor made another awkward sound. "Okay, I'm definitely leaving now. Calder, don't forget what I said. We need to bring this to an end now." The front door opened and closed with a decisive click, but I barely registered it.
"Did you mean it?" Calder asked against my hair, his arms still wrapped around me. Clearly he hadn’t heard anything Trevor had said either.
"Every word," I said, breathing in his leather-and-spice scent. "But it scares the hell out of me."
He pulled back just enough to look at me. "Why?"
"Because loving people… loving people doesn’t stop them from leaving someday," I said with a bitter laugh that didn't quite cover the pain. "And I don't think I could survive losing you too."
Calder's expression softened, his hand coming up to cup my cheek. "That's not going to happen, pup. I promise."
"You can't promise that," I whispered. "Not with that thing out there. Not when it's already killed so many people."
His jaw tightened, determination flashing in his eyes. "Watch me. I’ll do everything in my power to protect you, to protect us. I promise.”
The intensity in his voice sent a shiver down my spine. I wanted to believe him with every fiber of my being, but the rational part of my brain—the part that had kept me alive and searching for answers all these years—couldn't silence its doubts.
"But those people at the cider mill," I said, my voice breaking. "They died because of me. Because that thing was hunting me and settled for them instead."
Calder's hands moved to grip my shoulders, his touch firm but gentle. "Listen to me. You are not responsible for what that monster does. You didn't ask for any of this."
"Neither did they," I countered, the weight of guilt pressing down on me. "They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because I was there."
"Ethan." The way he said my name was almost a physical caress. "That thing has been killing long before you came to Portland. This isn't your fault."
I stepped away from him, needing space to think. My head was spinning with too many emotions—love, fear, guilt, confusion. "How do you know so much about this? Really? And don't give me that support group story again. There's more to it."
Something flickered in his eyes… hesitation, maybe fear. "I can't tell you everything. Not yet."
"Why not?" I demanded, frustration bubbling up. "People are dying, Calder. I've spent fourteen years being told I was crazy, that what I saw wasn't real. And now you're telling me you know things, important things, but you can't share them? How is that fair?"
He ran a hand through his dark hair, looking genuinely tormented. "It's not fair. None of this is fair. But there are... rules. Protocols. Things I'm not at liberty to discuss."
"Rules?" I laughed bitterly. "What kind of rules prevent you from helping stop a murderer?"
"The kind that keeps even more people from dying," he said, his voice dropping to almost a growl. "Trust me when I say that some secrets are kept secret for good reasons."
I stared at him, trying to read the truth in those golden-flecked eyes. "Does this have something to do with what Trevor said? About this Council?"
Calder went very still. "You heard that?"
"I wasn't eavesdropping on purpose," I defended myself. "But yeah, I heard him mention a Council. And something about using me as bait." A cold shiver ran through me at the memory. "What Council, Calder? Who are these people?"
He closed his eyes briefly, as if gathering strength. "They're... influential people. People who have knowledge about these creatures, who work to keep them contained."
"Like some kind of secret government agency?" Even as I said it, I knew how ridiculous it sounded.
"Not government," he said carefully. "More like... a tribunal of experts. People who've dedicated their lives to keep everyone safe.”
“But they want to use me as bait?”
Calder took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “Yes.” His face twisted with pain. “They think, since you’re the target, the one this creature seems to be following, that they could use you to draw him out. And they wanted me to stay close to you so that—”
“So that you could be there to take him out when he showed up. I’m your assignment,” I finished. “I see…”
I tried to turn away, but Calder’s hands were suddenly on my shoulders, forcing me to look at him.
“Ethan, it’s not like that,” he said, his eyes intense and piercing. “I might’ve been ordered to watch and protect you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I meant what I said. Every word of it.”
His earnestness made me want to believe him, but my mind was reeling from all these revelations. I searched his face for any sign of deception, any hint that this was all just an elaborate lie.
"So our relationship... Was it just part of your mission?" I asked, my voice smaller than I intended. "Get close to the target, keep him where you can see him?"
"No," Calder said fiercely, his hands tightening on my shoulders.
"God, no. That was never part of any plan.
The Council wanted me to watch you, yes, but falling for you?
" He shook his head, a rueful smile playing at his lips.
"That was entirely my own doing, and believe me, it's complicated everything. "
I swallowed hard, trying to process what he was telling me. "But you still can't tell me the whole truth."
"I want to," he whispered, his forehead coming to rest against mine. "More than anything. But there are consequences I can't protect you from if I do."
"What kind of consequences?" I pressed.
His jaw tightened. "The kind that would make what that creature did to your father look merciful."
A chill ran through me at his words. Whatever secret he was keeping, it was clearly dangerous enough to terrify even someone as strong and confident as Calder.
"Jesus Christ, Calder,” I sighed, unable to break out contact. “You make it sound like you’re in the mafia or something.” I paused for a moment. “Shit… are you in the mafia?”
“No, I’m not,” he replied, shaking his head.
“It’s more dangerous than that. And… more terrifying.
I’ve already told you too much as it is and you should’ve never known the Council even existed.
Trevor was right, they’re going to separate you and I if we don’t figure this out.
If this… monster keeps killing people, I… I’ll never see you again.”
The fear in his voice was thick and filled with emotion.
I’d never seen Calder so frightened. He could stare a monster in the face and not flinch.
But the thought of losing me? Well, that seemed to have shaken him to his core.
And while the situation was dire, I couldn’t help feeling reassured that he actually did care for me.
“So what do we do?” I asked, looking up into those warm brown eyes of his. “How do we stop it?”
Calder's expression hardened with determination, his golden-flecked eyes boring into mine.
"We find it before it finds you," he said firmly. "And we end this once and for all."
"How?" I asked, feeling a surge of hope despite everything. "You've been looking for weeks and haven't caught it yet."
He took a deep breath, his hands sliding down my arms until they found my fingers, intertwining them with his own. "Because now we have something we didn't have before."
"What's that?"
"You," he said simply. "Your memories, your experiences with this creature. Everything you've seen might be the key to finding it."
I pulled back slightly, not breaking contact but creating enough space to study his face. "I've been trying to piece this together for fourteen years, Calder. What makes you think I suddenly have the answers now?"
"Because now you have me," he said. "And..." he hesitated, clearly weighing his words. "And others who understand what we're dealing with. People with resources you couldn't access before."
“Like the Council?”
“Among other things,” Calder nodded. “You’ve been tracking this monster for so long. You know more about it than anyone. But I… I know the context.”
I let out a long sigh, the choice crystalizing in my mind that I’d been actively avoiding for over a year. My therapist was not going to be happy.
“I guess it’s time to open the box then,” I said simply.
Calder grabbed the sides of my face, pulling me in for a kiss. His tongue pressed against my lips and I let him in, savoring the intoxicating flavor of him that I’d grown to love.
“We’ll do it together,” he said at last, pulling back. “You won’t have to do any of this alone. I’ll be right here.”
The conviction in Calder's voice made my heart race.
I'd spent so long bearing this burden alone, hiding my research, pretending I wasn't still haunted by what I'd seen.
And now, standing in this kitchen with this man who somehow loved me despite barely knowing me, I felt something I hadn't experienced in years. Hope.
"My apartment," I said, already mentally mapping the quickest route. "I need to get the box from under my bed."
Calder nodded, his expression shifting into something focused and determined. "We'll go right now. Get dressed." He paused for just a moment, kissing me again. “And remember, I love you, Ethan. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
I stared back, my heart pounding. “I love you too.”