Chapter 16 #2
Still, the one person she longed to see most was Friedrich. She hadn’t thought five days could last so long. The sight of him in the doorway later that evening unravelled the knot in her chest and for that evening the world seemed to right itself.
‘So, what have you done to occupy yourself while I was gone?’ asked Friedrich as they lay in bed, his arm draped around her shoulder, Clara’s face resting against his bare chest.
She felt her body tense as her brain scrambled to work out what to tell him. She had to rule out anything to do with Max and stealing the lists from Hans Müller’s study, of course.
‘Just the usual,’ she said. ‘Although I have made friends with my evening patient, Ursula Müller. She’s been so friendly. I really enjoy seeing her.’
‘That’s good to hear. Well done. I know it’s not been easy. And hopefully proves that some of us Germans, the majority I like to think, are still human.’
‘I hope you’re right,’ whispered Clara. They lay in silence, and she regretted bringing the mood down. She hugged Friedrich. ‘Anyway, you’re the only one who matters to me. As long as I’m with you, nothing else matters.’
‘The same applies to me. As it always has.’ He let out a sigh.
Clara immediately sensed something was on his mind. ‘What is it?’
‘I didn’t want to tell you tonight, but I’m going to have to be away more than usual.’ He paused, pulling her tighter to his chest. ‘I’m sorry, liebling, but I need to check supplies and distributions more regularly. I promise it will only be for a few days at a time though.’
What could she say? She couldn’t ask him not to go. These were his orders. His job. ‘It’s all right. I understand,’ she said, forcing more cheer into her voice than she felt. ‘We will just have to make the most of the time when we are together.’ She kissed Friedrich, silently cursing the war.
The first drop had gone smoothly, despite her nerves.
Max had been on the tram as planned and she’d slipped the list inside the newspaper.
However, the second drop, last night, had set Clara’s nerves on edge.
She’d boarded the tram but there had been no sign of him and she hadn’t heard from him at all.
She couldn’t help wondering if maybe Max had been compromised in some way.
Had he been arrested? Was he at this very moment confessing all and putting her name in the firing line?
It was Friday and She had no idea what to do with the list now and whether she should go and find Karl.
All day it had plagued her mind, and she found it hard to concentrate on her work.
Every time the phone or the doorbell rang and she was nearby, she almost jumped out of her skin.
The underlying fear that it might be the authorities coming to question her or arrest her was never far from the surface.
It was now time to carry out her home visits, and she was looking forward to some fresh air, hoping it would clear the anxiety that was taking hold of her.
As she passed Frau Lange’s office, she heard her superior calling out her name.
‘Frau Bergmann,’ said Frau Lange with a smile. ‘I take it you’re off on your afternoon home visits?’
‘Yes, that’s right.’
The older woman nodded. ‘Is everything all right, only you seemed a little preoccupied today? Maybe a little on edge.’
Clara hesitated as her mind scrambled to find a suitable response. ‘Erm, I’m fine. Just tired, that’s all.’
Lange looked concerned. ‘Are you finding the work too much?’
‘No. Not at all,’ responded Clara quickly. ‘I very much enjoy my work here. My husband is having to work away quite often, and I don’t always sleep so well at nights on my own. That’s all.’
‘Ah, of course. I can imagine you probably feel a little more vulnerable.’
‘Yes, but he’s home tonight.’
‘I’m glad it’s just that. You do know you can come to me if you have any worries.’ She paused, her gaze fixing on Clara’s. ‘Any worries at all.’
‘Thank you, Frau Lange.’
As Clara made her way out of the clinic, she couldn’t help wondering exactly what Frau Lange had meant.
It seemed as if she was trying to tell Clara something without actually saying it directly.
Or was Clara reading too much into it? That was the trouble now, she was always looking for a hidden agenda, an unspoken message, wondering if she could believe without question what someone else was saying.
This constant state of ambiguity was wearing her down.
She hadn’t slept well the night before but that was because of the uncertainty about Max more than anything else.
She spent the rest of the afternoon making her house calls, which were all very straightforward, and arriving at Ursula’s house, she was pleased to find Ursula on good form.
Clara carried out the usual checks and observations, although she was aware Ursula seemed to be in a particular hurry.
She hadn’t even offered Clara a coffee like she usually did.
‘That’s everything,’ said Clara, packing her bag away.
‘And everything is fine?’ asked Ursula.
‘Yes. Your blood pressure is within normal range, the baby is a good size. I’m very happy with everything.’
‘Perfect.’ Ursula got up from the chaise and went out to the hallway returning a few moments later with her coat. ‘We shall go out for a coffee today.’
‘What?’ Clara looked up in surprise.
‘Yes. I need to get out of this house,’ said Ursula, buttoning up her coat. ‘I can’t bear being housebound for another moment longer.’
‘I don’t know if it’s a good idea,’ said Clara, anxious that Ursula didn’t suddenly overdo things just because she was feeling well.
‘It’s totally my decision. I’m fine. You said so yourself. Now come on, as my midwife, I need you to accompany me, just in case I don’t feel well.’
‘Does Hans know you’re going out?’
Ursula gave Clara a knowing look, one eyebrow slightly raised.
‘I just want to do something normal. Just today. Now, let’s not argue.
’ She slipped her arm through Clara’s and escorted her out of the house before Clara had time to object.
‘Technically, you’ve finished work now, so you can’t even get into trouble with the clinic. ’
‘I suppose not,’ said Clara. It was a rational argument and the thought of having a coffee with Ursula was appealing, even if the coffee these days meant the bitter barley brew everyone pretended was the real thing.
Still, Clara couldn’t help but discreetly scan her surroundings as they went – a habit she’d developed, always on edge, alert for anyone who might be watching.
The café was only on the next street, a small family-run business where Ursula knew the owners. The place was half empty, a faint haze of smoke hanging beneath the low ceiling. A gramophone played something cheerful in the background.
Ursula eased herself into the wooden chair with a small sigh. ‘It feels strange, being out,’ she said. ‘As if I’ve escaped from my own living room.’
Clara smiled, folding her gloves in her lap. ‘I have to agree that staying indoors for so long isn’t the best idea, but likewise, we should still be careful.’
A waitress appeared with two chipped cups. The coffee, if one could call it that, smelled faintly of roasted grain. Ursula laughed softly as she lifted hers. ‘Imagine paying for this.’
‘It’s the company, not the coffee,’ Clara said.
They drank in companionable silence for a moment. Outside a tram rattled past, and somewhere in the distance a siren wailed briefly, then stopped.
‘So, we need to make a deal,’ said Ursula, solemnly.
Clara put her cup down, trying to gauge the seriousness in Ursula’s tone. ‘A deal?’
‘Yes. We mustn’t talk about certain things, like babies, pregnancy or work. You must get fed up talking about those things all day every day.’
Clara chuckled with relief. ‘I can assure you, if you want to talk babies, I won’t stop you.’
‘No, I insist. They are restricted. Just while we’re here doing something normal.’
‘All right, it’s a deal.’
‘It’s so good to be out of the house,’ sighed Ursula. ‘I feel so much better already.’
‘You look brighter, I must admit,’ replied Clara.
‘Anyone would think I was made of glass, the way Hans goes on. He probably won’t be very impressed that I’m out, so I might not tell him.’ She leaned across the table and added in a whisper, ‘I won’t tell if you don’t. Deal number two.’
‘Deal number two,’ said Clara, unable to keep the smile from her face.
Ursula’s laughter drew a few glances from the next table, and Clara found herself smiling too and properly this time. It reminded her of afternoons long ago, sitting by the river with her sisters. Rose was always talking, Evie always laughing, both teasing her for being so serious.
She could almost hear them now, their voices bright and familiar, and for a fleeting moment, she was back in England, the scent of cut grass and wet stone and rain. Then the sound of another tram outside pulled her back and she blinked away the memory.
‘You looked lost in thought there,’ said Ursula.
‘I was thinking of my sisters, Rose and Evie, back in England.’ She looked down at her cup and ran her finger around the rim. ‘I miss them so much.’
‘It must be difficult,’ said Ursula, her voice soft with understanding.
‘It is,’ admitted Clara. ‘But one learns to keep busy.’ She smiled again. ‘And it’s nice being here with you. To be honest, neither of my sisters like coffee, not even the proper kind.’
Ursula’s laugh broke the heaviness of the moment.
‘My sister’s the same. She won’t drink it unless it’s from Vienna.
’ She sat back in her chair and smiled at Clara as they sipped their drinks.
‘Tell me, Clara, when you’re not working or being forced to accompany your patients to a café, what do you do with your free time? ’
‘To be honest, I don’t really go out very much,’ replied Clara. ‘I meet my friend, Marie, once a week but that’s all. Although I have a new weekly rendezvous these days.’