4. Noah
4
NOAH
I assumed the first day of classes meant it would just be introductions to what we’re going to do for the year. So, when I walk into the biology lab room with Izzy and her friend to see the word ‘quiz’ on the whiteboard in giant letters, I’m a little confused.
I hear an exaggerated groan from my side and turn my head slightly to see Izzy curled over, her hands in her light hair. Amelia rubs her back, nodding as she urges Izzy to stand upright. She gently pushes her forward, but struggles as Izzy drags her feet, throwing her head back. I have to stop the corners of my mouth from turning up.
“It’s the first day,” she laments, and Amelia continues to nudge her forward until she reaches one of the lab desks in the second row. Izzy lifts herself onto the high stool, and Amelia places her bag on the desk.
I don’t know why I stuck so closely to them once we got into class. Obviously, they’d sit next to each other. I feel my ears getting warmer, and hope it’s not showing on my face, too. I clear my throat, saying a quiet ‘thanks’ before pivoting away from them.
“Noah, you can sit next to me,” Izzy says, and I stop in my tracks. I turn around, facing them again and looking back and forth between the two girls already sitting down. I don’t want Izzy to make her friend move just because she feels bad for me.
“It’s okay. I can sit somewhere else.”
“It’s fine. I’m going to sit at the back anyway,” Amelia says, pulling out the stool for me and taking her bag. “I always try to nap in this class.”
She steps past me, giving a quick wave to Izzy before making her way to a desk in the back corner of the room. When I turn back to Izzy, she’s smiling at me. She pats the seat next to her, and I take it.
We both pull out our books, Izzy scanning through her notebook from last year as if she can memorise it all before class starts. Coates uses the same textbook as my old school, so I already know the material we’ll be quizzed on. My childhood dream of being a doctor has meant I’ve always focused on my studies. As soon as I started secondary school, I taught myself things before we even covered them in class, just so I could stay ahead.
“Books away. I know you all read what’s on the board,” a grey-bearded man says as he enters the room. “Don’t worry, this score won’t be recorded anywhere. It’s just to get your brains working after such a long break.”
Murmurs of annoyance run through the class; the shuffling of books being thrown into bags that are then dropped on the floor. The teacher passes out a stack of papers to each row, instructing us to take one and pass them back until everyone has one face down in front of them.
“You have ten minutes. Start.”
I flip the paper over, scanning the questions, and they all seem fairly straightforward to answer. I start jotting down my answers, the only sound in the room of pens scratching against paper. It only takes me a couple of minutes to finish, so I let myself glance at Izzy from the corner of my eye. She’s got her head in her hands, staring down at her half-filled page.
I don’t know what comes over me, but I knock my knee against hers to get her attention. Izzy tilts her head to the side to look at me, and I nudge my paper closer to hers so she can see my answers. She drops her hands to the desk, her pen tapping once against it. She quirks an eyebrow at me, and I nod my head toward the page, indicating for her to take a look if she wants.
She moves her paper closer to mine, and when I glance at what she’s already written, I can see she’s pretty much got the same answers as mine, though hers are better written and in much neater handwriting. There’s only two questions that she seems halfway stuck on. After a few seconds of her having an internal debate over the ethics of copying on a quiz, she peeks over at my paper and starts writing on hers.
Once she’s finished writing, Izzy glances over at me, a pretty smile on her face as she presses her thigh against mine. Heat rises through my body, my entire being feeling like it’s on fire just from that one touch from her. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.
“Okay, time is up,” the teacher says, drawing me back into the real world. “Everyone pass your paper to the row behind you and three seats across. Back row, bring yours to the front.”
I pull my leg away from hers, hoping she didn’t feel the way I just set alight. We pass our papers back, and Izzy turns to find Amelia gesturing with her hands, something I assume means she wants her friend to check her paper. I take the chance while she’s not looking at me to pull the collar of my shirt away from my neck in an attempt to cool myself down.
The teacher starts going through the answers, and I try to focus on checking the paper in front of me, but I’m suddenly aware of Izzy next to me. I sneak another glance at her as she tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. I have to look away.
We finish checking the answers, and everyone gets their papers back. I can’t help but smile when I see we both have perfect scores.
* * *
Walking around with Izzy all day has been strange.
After our first class, we both had a free period, so she took it upon herself to show me where the library and other classrooms were before we headed to chemistry together. I didn’t expect this much from her, but she’s been kind to me, even though I’ve barely said a word to her.
People have been staring at us as we stroll around together. Every pair of eyes focused on me feels like a physical brand burning into my skin, but Izzy doesn’t take any notice of them.
I keep trying to shrink myself down, keeping my head low and avoiding eye contact with anyone, whereas Izzy does the opposite. A ton of people say hi to her in the corridors, and it’s clear she’s quite popular. She seems so comfortable in her own skin, and it’s a trait I’m both envious of and admire.
We’re walking to the exit of the main building, our classes over for the day, when I hear my name being called.
“Ah, Noah. There you are. Could you come to my office for a minute?”
I’ve been waiting all day for Mrs. Fisher to catch up with me. We met with her yesterday, and she told my parents she’d find me on Monday to make sure I was getting settled in well.
I nod, and even though Mrs. Fisher has already started walking toward her office, I feel like I should say something to Izzy. She went above and beyond for me today, insisting I eat lunch with her and her friends and waiting for me once classes finished. She didn’t have to do any of that, but I’m grateful she did. It’s made the whole day a lot easier than I thought it would be.
“Thank you for your help today,” I tell her, stepping in front of her so we’re facing each other. I hope she can hear the sincerity in my voice. She’s tried making conversation with me all day, but I’ve been less than receptive. In all honesty, she makes me nervous. And it was kind of nice to just listen to her talk.
“If you need anything else or want a friend to eat lunch with, let me know.” She smiles brightly, and it’s so genuine that it shocks me for a second.
She doesn’t move, and neither do I. I’m suddenly all too conscious of my body and how I’m looming over her. I step away, putting some distance between us. I try my best to attempt a smile again to mirror the one she’s given me. I can feel the muscles in my face stretching, dusting themselves off because they haven’t been used in so long.
“Thank you,” I say again, but it’s for a different reason this time.
Izzy just nods, that smile still on her face as I turn and follow after Mrs. Fisher, my heart beating a little faster than it was before.
* * *
The door to her office is open, so I enter and close it behind me. She’s already sitting behind a large wooden desk, and a wide window behind her lets in some natural light that bathes the room in a hazy glow. I take a seat in one of the two chairs in front of her desk, placing my bag on the ground between my feet.
“How was your first day? Settling in well?” Mrs. Fisher asks.
She’s one of the few people who knows why I had to come to Coates. Although she’s been nice to me so far, I’m worried about what she might really think of me.
“It was good. Izzy helped me a lot.”
My face feels warm again at the mention of her. But she deserves some credit for how much she did for me today. I hope that talking her up to Mrs. Fisher will benefit her in some way.
“I’m glad to hear you’ve already started making friends,” she says, leaning back in her chair and folding her deep brown hands together.
I simply nod because that’s the furthest thing from what I want to do this year. By this time next week, Izzy will probably be bored of me, and we won’t be anything more than classmates.
“I know it must be difficult to start at a new school, especially at this point in your education.”
“It’s not as bad as I thought it would be,” I tell her, hoping a bit of optimism will make this conversation end quicker.
Mrs. Fisher watches me for a second, and I tuck my hands under my thighs to stop myself from fidgeting with them under her gaze. Her dark brown eyes analyse me like she can see what I’m really thinking. She sits forward in her chair, resting an elbow on her desk as she places one hand under her chin.
“What happened at your old school…” She pauses, choosing her next words carefully. “I spoke with your parents about it, but I’d like to hear it in your own words.”
I don’t know what kind of game she’s playing. She knows what happened, so what difference will it make if I say it again? When she spoke about it with my parents, I was excused from the room, most likely to spare me the embarrassment of my past actions being brought up.
“I acted out of character,” I tell her quietly, avoiding her eyes as I stare down at the desk instead.
I’m already trying to defend myself against the idea she must have of me.
“And what caused that?”
“I had to protect my sister.”
She nods, leaning back again. I don’t want to go into any more detail. I’ve relived that moment enough times in my head over the summer, and it gets worse every time I think about it. Again, I don’t regret it, but it’s not something I’m proud of either.
“Why should I believe that isn’t your character?” she asks, and it throws me.
I don’t have an answer for her. I’ve given her curt responses, and she can clearly see my hands tucked under my legs, probably thinking I’ve done it to avoid repeating what happened. Everything about my demeanour right now is playing into what she must think of me. I steady myself, lifting my hands to rest them in my lap instead as I prepare to plead my case. I need to convince her and myself that I’m not a bad person.
“At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. That’s what I always want to do, no matter what. And maybe I should have thought about it more and not acted so rashly, but I don’t regret what I did. I did a bad thing, but I’m not a bad person.”
The words leave me in a rush, and I have to take a deep breath after I’ve finished speaking. I could have worded it better and said more to convince her, but I told her the truth, and that’s enough for me.
Mrs. Fisher fixes her gaze on me, a softness in her eyes I haven’t seen from a teacher in a while now.
“I don’t think you’re a bad person, Noah. Far from it.”
My racing heart calms with this tiny bit of validation from her.
“What are your plans for this year?” she continues, seeming genuinely interested.
“Keep my head down, focus on my grades, and just get through it,” I tell her, repeating the mantra my parents have said to me in the last few weeks.
“And outside of studying?” She tilts her head to the side in question.
“That’s all I want to do.”
“Your parents told me you enjoyed playing football at your old school. I think it’ll be good for you to continue that here. I’ll have a word with Mr. Reid about you joining the team.”
I nod, even though I’ve already dismissed the idea in my mind. Joining the team means I’ll have to get close to people again. At this point, I know all too well that people can leave you as easily as they came to you.
There’s a knock at the door and another student enters to pass a message to Mrs. Fisher. He leaves the room as quickly as he came but I don’t miss the way he glanced over at me, trying to figure out why I’ve already been summoned to the head teachers’ office on the first day.
“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?” she says, getting ready to dismiss me.
“No, thank you.” I shake my head, tiredness setting in from how exhausting this day has been.
“I’ll let you go then so you can relax before dinner. If you need anything at all, Noah, don’t hesitate to come and see me.”
I stand up, saying a quick goodbye to her as I leave the room. The corridors are mostly empty now so I let my shoulders drop, my head hanging low as I make my way back to my room.
As I exit the building, a few groups of students are milling around outside, all bubbling with excitement at being back at school with their friends. I’d never considered boarding school, but it felt like the easiest option for this year. It’s easy to see how close everyone is with each other, and I’ve already started piecing together the friend groups in my class.
The few times throughout the day when I joined Izzy with her friends, it was clear that they felt more like a family. I suppose when you live with people for years like they have, it’s easier to get attached and form those connections. My old group of friends were close with each other, but it’s nothing like what I’ve seen here. That’s evident by how quickly they all cut me off.
When I make it back to my room, I throw my bag onto the desk and lie face down on my bed. Going from spending summer with just my grandparents in rural Korea to being in a school where I’m constantly surrounded by other people is a jarring difference. It’s only the first day and I’m already tired of putting so much energy into the very minimal socialising I’ve been doing.
I need to get up and change for dinner, but I don’t feel like going. I’ve got enough snacks in my room to tide me over until breakfast tomorrow morning. I just want to sleep. My body feels like it’s weighed down with lead, every movement taking all my energy, and I can’t muster the strength to get up.
A persistent knock at my door forces me to though, the dull sound making my head pound. When I open it, I see it’s Mina with, who I assume is Daisy in tow.
I haven’t had the chance to see Mina today. Her schedule is busier than mine, and we have different lunch hours, so we haven’t crossed paths once. She looks happy though, energy emanating from her like a physical glow, and that’s enough for me.
“I’m hungry,” she says, not bothering with any niceties.
“Give me a few minutes. I need to get changed.”
Mina lets out a frustrated groan, but I ignore her, closing my door and quickly changing into a hoodie and gym shorts. Izzy told me we’re allowed to use the gym when we want, so I figure I can get some energy back from eating and then work it off again. When I open my door this time, Mina and Daisy are leaning against the wall, waiting for me.
Lunch is split into two different hours for half the students at a time, but dinner is free for all. It’s already busy when we get there, and I scan the room to try to find a table for the three of us. I manage to find a less crowded one in the middle of the room, the students on it clearing the table as they prepare to leave. I manoeuvre through the tables, Mina and Daisy following behind me. We reach it and secure our spots, and I send the two of them off to get their food while I save the table.
A familiar voice breaks through the loudness. I turn around in my chair, my gaze catching on Izzy as she walks toward the food line. She’s completely engrossed in conversation with Amelia, animated while she speaks.
She must be able to feel me staring at her, though, because she stops walking and turns around. She scans the room like she’s looking for someone, and before I can avert my gaze away from her, her eyes snag on mine.
That bright smile from earlier appears on her face as she lifts her hand to wave at me. And, once again, I can’t help but mirror it as my heart races.