11. Izzy
11
IZZY
Even though I told Isaac and Violet I wasn’t going to come home on weekends, I’m standing in front of my building waiting for one of them to show up. After what happened with Ryan this morning, I feel like I need to put some physical space between us and this is the easiest way.
When I texted them in our group chat this morning to ask if I could come home, of course they said yes. Violet said she or Isaac would pick me up, depending on who got out of work first.
After classes ended, I got a quick workout in, running on the treadmill until my legs couldn’t take me any further. Concentrating all my focus on putting one foot in front of the other helped me stop thinking about the morning’s incident.
I couldn’t believe how he was speaking to me, as if I were the one at fault. I hated how riled up I got, too. That I let his words and actions affect me so much that I pretty much screamed at him in front of everyone. I didn’t want to dignify him with such an emotional response, but I couldn’t help it. He’s been at it for weeks now, and I’m so tired of him not respecting my boundaries just because he thinks I owe him something.
But then Noah stepped in. He saved me like I’d done for him when Ryan was bothering him as well. I don’t want to read too much into it—a rescue for a rescue, so now we’re even. Or are we? He saved me yesterday too, tucking me away into that alcove so no one could see how upset I was. And the way he spoke to Ryan. His voice was stern, a stark difference from the soft way he speaks to me.
You’ve heard what he did, right?
Ryan’s words come to mind, and I start pacing in small circles. I’ve heard all sorts of things about Noah since he joined, but none of them match what I know of him. He’s never given me the impression that he’d be mean to anyone, let alone hurt them.
But when Ryan said that, I caught the way Noah’s expression faltered, how his usually stoic mask slipped again. I don’t want to believe anything that has been said about him, but that slip has me worrying there might be some truth to the rumours after all.
If even a fraction of what they’re saying is true though, I want to hear it directly from Noah. I’m all too aware of how small the school is, and how quickly words can spread and get twisted. So, for now, I’ll keep believing in the Noah that I’ve come to know.
The moment Noah’s hand curled around mine flashes in my mind. All the anger I felt toward Ryan was bubbling inside me, and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. Even though I could feel Noah looking at me, I kept staring straight ahead, hoping he would look away. But then he reached over, took my hand in his, and all the anger escaped me.
I stop pacing and hold my hands out in front of me, placing them on top of each other in different positions to try to mimic the way he did it. Nothing matches up to it, though. That calm feeling doesn’t wash over me like it did when Noah did it.
“Izzy.”
I spin around, and he’s there, standing in a white T-shirt and navy blue shorts, with a grey hoodie draped over one shoulder.
“Noah. Hi.”
His eyes drop to my hands and I realise I’m still holding them weirdly. I separate them and pull them behind my back, hoping he can’t read my mind and figure out what I'm doing.
“What are you doing?” he asks, stepping closer to me.
“I’m waiting for my sister to pick me up. Thought it might be good to go home for the weekend.”
Noah nods, measuring his next words carefully.
“Do you have any other siblings?”
His question catches me off guard. It’s not something I expected him to ask. Apart from yesterday, our conversations have been focused on school, neither of us speaking about our families. He never mentions his, and mine is too complicated to get into, so I think we’ve made an unspoken mutual agreement not to talk about them. But now he’s asking, and I want to tell him.
“Well, she’s not really my sister. Not yet, anyway. I have an older brother and she’s his girlfriend. They’ve been with each other for so long that it feels like she’s my sister.”
“That must be nice,” he says, the tiniest smile appearing on his face.
“It is.”
I feel the corners of my mouth tilting up, matching his. I’m smiling more these days, and it happens a lot when I speak to Noah.
I wait for him to ask another question. I want him to.
“Has he bothered you anymore today?”
It’s not exactly what I wanted, but I understand his concern. Especially considering he’s caught me in the middle of running away for the weekend.
“No, I’ve managed to avoid him,” I say, heaving out a sigh.
Noah’s eyes latch onto mine before he tilts his head downward, his bottom lip caught between his teeth for a second.
“Good,” is all he says.
“Thank you, by the way.” I realise I haven’t said it to him yet. We sat together during classes as usual, but didn’t say much to each other. I wasn’t ready to speak about it, and I think Noah could tell. He’s already under so much scrutiny from our classmates that I thought he would be more hesitant about getting involved, but he wasn’t.
“You don’t have to thank me for that. I mainly wanted him out of my seat.”
He laughs to himself, and it’s the first attempt at a joke I’ve ever heard him make. It has me doubling over with laughter, and the sheer ridiculousness of the entire situation this morning is finally hitting me. My eyes start watering, and I can’t stop laughing, my hands crossed across my stomach as it starts to hurt.
A gentle hand on my shoulder is the reason I finally lift my head. Noah looks at me with concern in his eyes, and I notice that he’s ducked down to match my height. Once he realises I’m laughing and not crying, his face brightens a little, his usual polite smile back on his face again—but it’s slightly wider this time. I’m getting closer and closer to seeing the real thing.
I stand up properly, clutching my stomach as I try to catch my breath. Noah’s hand is still on my shoulder when a car horn beeps. I turn around, and Violet’s there in Isaac’s car, waving at me through the windshield. I hold up my index finger to her, signalling that I’ll be over in just a minute, before I turn back to Noah.
“That’s my sister, Violet. I’ve gotta go.”
“Right, of course.” He drops his hand, shoving it into the pocket of his shorts.
“Have a good weekend, Noah.”
“You too.”
I turn away from him and walk toward the car, a huge grin still on my face. When I get in, I realise Noah hasn’t moved an inch. I lift my hand to wave at him, and he does the same back, more enthusiastically than he intended to, it seems, because then he grips the back of his neck instead. His mouth moves, but I can’t make out what he’s saying before he turns away to walk toward the gym.
“Who is that?” Violet asks. I shift my head to look at her, noticing that she’s following him with her eyes.
“Noah. He’s new,” I say, fastening my seatbelt.
“He just joined this year?”
“Yeah, we sit next to each other in homeroom and have a few classes together.”
“Interesting,” is all Violet says as she starts the drive away from school.
“I don’t like the way you said that.”
“All I said was interesting.”
I can already tell she’s getting strange ideas in her head.
“He’s just a friend. Barely even that.”
I regret adding the last part instantly, the words not sitting right in my mouth.
“Isaac was just a friend to me once and now look at us.”
“Okay, but you guys are different. You’ve got that whole written in the stars thing going on. Meanwhile, my stars just spell out loneliness.”
“Don’t say that about yourself,” she chastises gently, reaching over to squeeze my knee. “You’ve got a great group of friends around you, you’ve got the hockey team, and you’ve got me and Isaac.”
I can only sigh at her words, and she takes the cue to end the conversation there. I lean my elbow against the window, my head resting on my palm as I stare out the window at the trees passing by.
I know Violet means well, but hearing that from someone in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever witnessed with the person she’s loved for so many years, just hurts.
I desperately want to believe that I’ll have that kind of love, find my person, and live happily ever after. But I can’t see that in my future.
I’ve imagined how it would play out so many times—bumping into a random stranger and feeling that instant connection, sparking up a friendship with someone new, and realising they’re the one for me. But every time I picture the whole timeline of the relationship, it never ends well.
They break up with me because I’m too loud all the time. They break up with me because I tell them about my parents, and if my parents can leave me so easily, they can too. They break up with me because I’m not good enough.
I shift in my seat, angling myself more toward the door so Violet can’t see how I’m blinking rapidly to fight back the sting in my eyes.
Of course, I’m happy with the relationships I have in my life. I love my friends; they mean the world to me, and I can’t imagine a life without them. I love Isaac and Violet, and the makeshift family they’ve created with their friends that I’ve been adopted into.
But I want a different kind of relationship.
I want someone I can call at any time of the day. Someone I can spend all my quiet moments with as well as my busy ones. I want to know what it’s like to have that one person I can call mine. I want to know what it feels like to be that for someone else. I want to be so in love that it feels like nothing in the world can stop me, like I’m invincible.
I know I have a good life, and I’m fortunate to have so many good people around me. I also know that I don’t need romantic love to feel fulfilled and happy.
But in the late hours of the night, in that quiet moment before the sun wakes up and it feels like I’m the only person in the world, I want so desperately to be loved that it feels like my heart is cracking inside my chest.
I think that’s why I ended up with Ryan. I was so desperate to be part of something, to think I could have someone who was only there for me. But he wasn’t that. I tried convincing myself so much that he was the one for me, but now I’m out of it. I don’t know how I ever thought he could be.
I rub at my chest as if it’ll get rid of that breaking feeling, my other hand shifting from where it’s resting on my cheek to cover my mouth instead as I feel my chin start to tremble. I look out the window, noticing that we’re getting closer to home, so I even out my breathing, calm myself down before I have to face Violet head-on.
She pulls up to our apartment building, parking the car before we both get out. Violet takes my bag from me as we go up to the fifth-floor apartment. It’s not huge, but it’s comfortably spacious enough for all of us with two bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and living room.
The smell of chicken curry hits my nose as soon as Violet opens the door, and my stomach rumbles.
“Another one of Aunty’s recipes?” I ask as I enter the small kitchen.
Isaac is standing by the stove, stirring the curry inside a big pot. The bright pink apron he’s wearing is an eyesore, but Violet’s mum gave it to him a while ago, and now he wears it whenever he cooks.
“Yep, she taught me this one last week.” He lifts the spoon, taking out a small piece of chicken that he eats. “It’s pretty much done, so grab a plate. There’s rice, too.”
The food at school isn’t bad, but nothing can beat a home-cooked meal, especially since Violet’s mum has started teaching Isaac how to cook. I take a plate from the cupboard and hand it to him so he can fill it up.
Violet enters the kitchen right as I leave it to sit at the small table meant for two people, but we’ve forced three chairs around it.
I can see them from here, and that ache hits me in the chest again. Violet has her hands around Isaac’s waist, the side of her face pressed into his back, with the most contented smile on her face. I imagine what it would be like to do that with someone, to have someone to come home to every single day and just be with.
Whenever I’ve pictured myself in any of these scenarios, it’s been a faceless figure, just a body with no real features. But this time, I see hazel eyes, black hair and a warm smile that startles me so much I drop my spoon.
“You okay?” Violet asks, and I hadn’t even noticed her enter the room with two plates. She sets them down on the table, a crease in her brow as she looks at me.
“Finger slipped.” I pick the spoon back up again, poking around the food. Suddenly, I’m not hungry anymore.
She nods, taking her seat as Isaac walks over to join us, the pink apron thankfully removed.
“How’s school been?” Isaac asks and I tell him everything I can that won’t make him worry. Which means I don’t tell him about Ryan or Noah or the fact that I don’t want to play hockey anymore. I’ll say it all at some point, but right now I don’t have the energy for it. He listens thoughtfully, and the light conversation finishes until we’ve all finished eating.
“Movie tonight?” Isaac asks, carrying all our plates to the kitchen, before I hear the sound of the tap running.
“I’m a little tired,” Violet says, stretching her arms above her head. “I’m gonna shower and head to bed, but you two carry on.”
Even after all this time, she still wants to make sure Isaac and I have enough sibling time without her. I’ve told her multiple times that I want her involved, too, but she thinks it’s important that Isaac and I spend time together.
Isaac comes back out of the kitchen, drying his hands with a towel. He drops it on the table as he stands behind Violet’s chair, resting his hands on her shoulders. She tips her head back to look at him, and he gazes down at her. I always feel like I’m intruding on something when they look at each other like this, like I’ve forced myself into their world when I should be an outsider. They’re the picture of domestic bliss, and that same pain wraps around my heart, like a fist clenching tight and reminding me of what I’ll never have.
I rub my sternum, drinking down the last dregs of my water as if it’ll make that feeling go away. Violet and I stand at the same time and we all busy ourselves getting ready for the night.
Once I’ve put my things in my room, I settle myself on the sofa. I can hear them both behind me, Violet’s soft laughter covering up Isaac’s whispers as they stand in the doorway of their room. Violet wishes me a goodnight before retreating into their room and Isaac joins me on the sofa.
“ Scream , again?” he asks when he looks at the TV screen.
“It’s my favourite.” I shrug, because he really should be used to this by now.
Isaac’s sigh is the only sign of protest he lets out before he grabs the remote and presses play. Halfway through the movie, he reaches for his iPad that’s resting on the small coffee table in front of us. He opens up the drawing app he uses, and when I glance at the screen to see what he’s doing, I notice it’s the proposal video he’s been working on.
“Do you know when you’re going to do it?” I whisper.
“I need to tidy up a few things, but it should be ready soon. I was wondering if you could help me out actually.”
“Of course, whatever you need.”
“I need to figure out a way to get her to the cinema without actually taking her myself. I was thinking we could pretend there’s a movie you want to see. I’ll say I’m running late from work so I’ll meet you there, but really, I’m already getting everything set up.”
“Don’t you think she’ll get suspicious?”
“Not if you ask her. You know she always wants to hang out with you.”
I nod, knowing that I’ll go along with whatever plan Isaac thinks of so he can pull this off. He starts sketching again, and when I see the smile on his face, the earlier pain in my chest is replaced with happiness for my brother.