16. Noah
16
NOAH
It was easier to ignore the stares and whispers when they were just directed at me. But people are starting to look at Izzy now, too, and it makes me want to hide us away from it all.
I drop my pen onto my desk, staring out of my window at the field outside full of students. Coates is small compared to my old school. Back there, hardly anyone would care about who was seeing who, but everyone is in each other’s business here. I suppose everyone living here adds to it. At least at my old school, I could leave everything behind at the end of each day. It’s been strange to adjust to random people caring so much about who I am or what I do.
The rumours about why I came to Coates are starting to die down, though, with more focus on us as a couple rather than me as an individual. That part of her plans seems to be working, and I’m happier for it than I care to admit. I’m not too sure about the other part of it, though. Ryan glared at us whenever we crossed paths, but he never actually said anything. Maybe it’s slowly sinking in that Izzy is completely done with him.
I give up on my homework and start getting ready for football, putting on my navy kit. I open my wardrobe to get my hoodie out, but then I remember I let Izzy take it. Our conversation yesterday after her practice played over in my mind all night.
It doesn’t make sense to me why she’d keep playing a sport that she has no interest in anymore. The way she spoke about it makes me think there might be something else stopping her from making the best decision for her.
I leave my room to head to the field, but Izzy’s still on my mind. I didn’t want to pry too much when it was clear that it’s something she’s struggling with. We might be pretending to date, but I don’t know if we’re at the point in our friendship where we can talk about the deeper things. I hold out a tiny bit of hope that she might trust me enough for that one day.
When I get to the field, the rest of the team is already warming up. I drop my water bottle and start stretching, keeping to myself like I’ve done at every practice since the start.
A couple of minutes later, we get started with some warm-ups before going into a game. It goes as well as can be expected in that not a single person acknowledges my existence. I’ve been open so many times, urging them to pass me the ball by waving my hands, but they just ignore me.
I’ve been trying not to let it get to me. I know that these are just a bunch of immature guys whose names I won’t even remember by this time next year. But it still stings to see they’d rather lose a match than involve me.
Luke blows the whistle to end the first half, and we all move to the side for a breather and water. I stretch out my legs before dropping down to tighten my laces. A shadow passes over me.
“Hey.”
I look up and Josh is hovering over me. I stand up to face him properly. We’ve only interacted a couple times before, not really talking much because it’s always been when we’re with Izzy and her friends. The confusion as to why he’s talking to me without any of them here must show on my face.
“I’m Josh.”
He holds his hand out, and I hesitantly reach out to take it, shaking it lightly. This feels weirdly formal, considering we’ve been around each other for the past few weeks.
“Noah,” I say, wondering if he hit his head at some point while we were playing.
“You’re pretty quick on your feet,” he says. I still don’t know why he’s talking to me.
“Thanks. Did you need something?” I ask him, wanting to cut to the chase and stop drawing out the awkwardness of this moment.
“I know we’ve met before, but I just wanted to introduce myself properly. Let me know if you ever want to do extra drills or anything.”
I scan his face, trying to find any hint of this being a joke to him. Maybe Izzy and her friends put him up to this. Even worse, maybe his friends did, and they’re watching right now as I embarrass myself. I glance around quickly, but there’s no audience for this. I think he might want to be my friend.
“That would be nice,” I tell him, trying to push down the insecurity in my mind that still can’t quite believe he’s talking to me without being forced to.
The whistle blows again to start the second half, and Josh tips his head at me before running back onto the field. It takes me a second to gather myself again, and then I join the others. I’ll think more about what just happened once I’m alone.
The second half continues much like the first, but this time, Josh makes a pass that ends up right at my feet. However, we’re on different sides and none of his teammates are anywhere near me.
I manoeuvre the ball away from the goal, light on my feet as I kick it to one of the guys on my team, who runs with it to the other half of the field. Josh runs behind me, clapping me once on the back, and I understand immediately that he did it on purpose. He gave me the chance to play for the first time this year.
I take the opportunity while the ball is on the other side of the field to run to the side for some water. I tilt my head back, eyes closed, as I face the bright sky. The cool water runs down my throat, and then I hear my name being called by a voice that I’m starting to enjoy listening to a little too much.
“What are you doing here?” I ask Izzy, capping my water bottle and dropping it to the ground. She walks slowly toward me, and I meet her halfway. She’s squinting, shielding the sun in her eyes with her hand. I stand in front of her to block it.
“We’re meant to show up for each other, right?” She shrugs, and it’s only then I realise she’s wearing my hoodie. My heart starts beating faster, all the effort I made to cool down becoming pointless.
“I think it suits you better than me,” I tell her, gesturing to it and hoping she won’t notice the blush I can feel rushing to my cheeks.
I know this is all meant to be fake, but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I see it in movies and shows all the time, how the guy will give his clothes to the girl he likes, but I never imagined it would be something I would do.
Not that I like Izzy in that way, of course. I can admit that I have the tiniest of crushes on her, but I also know it’s probably heightened because of what we’re doing. It’ll fade away once we end this and go our separate ways.
She drops her head, her fingers peeking out from the long sleeves as she fiddles with them, but I can see a small grin on her face.
“You’re quite the smooth talker, aren’t you?” She jokes, looking up at me.
My face must be bright red by now. At least I can play it off as a result of running around for the past hour.
“Only with you,” I respond because it’s the simple truth.
It feels natural to talk to Izzy like this. I don’t have to second-guess what I say to her, or even think about it really. I don’t know if I’ve ever been like this with anyone else.
She looks back down at the ground again, shaking her head once before she turns her gaze back on me. I can’t help but smile back. It seems to happen a lot when I’m around her.
Izzy looks around me, glancing at the field behind and I remember I was supposed to be playing. The fact that no one has noticed my absence dampens the good mood that Izzy just put me in. I hate that it’s happening in front of her, too.
I know she’s already well aware that people gossip about me or that I don’t talk to many people, but it feels worse that she’s actually witnessing it. Her plan might be working with most of our class, but now I wonder if it’ll make the football team dislike me even more. They obviously have some kind of loyalty to Ryan by the way they pretend I don’t exist.
Luckily, the whistle blows and practice is over. I can hear Luke giving a pep talk to everyone, but my eyes stay focused on Izzy. She gives one last look at the field before her eyes lock on mine. Even though I’m blocking the sun, there’s still a sparkle in them.
It’s been there since the first day we met, but it dimmed a little last night when she confessed how she felt about hockey. I didn’t want to tell her that she should give it up, even though that seems like the obvious answer. She has to figure it out herself, but I hope she lets me help her along the way.
The others come over to the side, and Josh is the only one to acknowledge me with a quick wave at us before he leaves. I’m still invisible to the others and a sigh escapes me before I can stop it. Izzy stares at me, her head tilted to one side and a crease between her brows. I swallow, my throat suddenly dry, because of this girl who seems to see right through me. It’s scary.
I’ve been trying my best to mask my feelings. I don’t want to show how much the words and actions of everyone else are actually getting to me because I don’t want pity from anyone, especially not from her.
But maybe she’s been seeing past it the whole time because the mask only drops for a second before she says, “Let’s get out of here.”
I can only nod, afraid that if I speak, I’ll say too much. I walk back to where I dropped my bottle, and Izzy stays by my side as I take another drink from it. The water spurts out of my mouth when my shoulder gets knocked forward.
Ryan walks past us, looking back as he fakes a shocked expression.
“Sorry, man. Didn’t see you there.”
His eyes move to Izzy for a second too long, and I take a step forward without even thinking about it. He lets out a huff of laughter as he turns, shaking his head as he walks away with his group of mindless friends.
“Has he been doing that a lot to you?” she asks, moving to stand in front of me.
“First time, actually.” I don’t want to mention what happened on the first practice when he completely blindsided me. “Guess he’s not too happy about us.”
I try to make a joke out of it, but Izzy’s expression is serious, her jaw clenched slightly.
“Tell me if he does it again. Or you can tell Luke, if you don’t want to say it to me. He can’t get away with treating you like that.”
“It’s okay, really,” I reassure her. “It just shows how convincing we are if he’s that upset.”
Izzy doesn’t seem happy with that answer, but I don’t want her to worry. He didn’t say anything to her, and I’ll happily take the brunt of it if it means he leaves her alone.
“Come on, let’s go,” I say, now that everyone has left.
She moves to my side, and we start walking back to the dorm buildings, a comfortable silence between us. It’s easy being with Izzy like this. She’s a talkative person, but she never forces me to speak. I’ve noticed recently that she’ll wait for me to start the conversation first, and I appreciate that a lot.
Our arms swing at our sides, hands grazing and it’s like we both remember at the exact same time that we’re meant to be dating because our fingers intertwine without either of us saying a word. Never mind that I haven’t seen a single other person on our walk so far.
A calming feeling washes over me whenever she holds my hands. It’s like I’m being tethered to the ground when I usually get in my head and feel like I’m floating away. Whenever she takes my hand, it feels like she actually wants me to stay by her side.
“Can I ask you a question?” she says quietly, and the gentle tone of her voice makes me think it’s going to be something I don’t want to answer.
“Of course.”
“First, I want you to know I don’t believe what everyone says about you. I think they’re all miserable people who are bored with their own lives and have to make stuff up about others just to feel better about themselves.”
I can’t help but laugh. She’s so straightforward with what she says, and it’s refreshing. Most people would find a more subtle way to say something like that, but Izzy doesn’t seem to care.
“I’ve just been wondering why you transferred,” she starts, her voice quiet. “I mean, it’s the last year of school, and I’m sure you were already settled at your old one, so why move?”
I knew she must have been curious about it, just like everyone else, so I’ve been waiting for her to ask. But I hoped it would happen later, maybe when she actually likes me more and can understand why I had to do what I did.
I don’t want her to get the wrong idea about me. I like that we’re becoming friends. I don’t want to ruin that. I want this calmness and safety for a bit longer, for as long as she allows me to have it. I don’t want her to think the worst of me like everyone else does. Not just yet.
“I…” My hand suddenly feels like it doesn’t belong in hers. I try to let her fingers go, but her grip tightens instead. “It’s a lot to explain. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet.”
I see her nod in my peripheral, and I can feel the weight of her gaze on the side of my face. I swallow hard, focusing straight ahead because I’m worried I’ll give in and reveal everything if I look at her right now. Izzy doesn’t say anything, and I know I’ve messed this whole thing up.
“I understand if you want to stop doing this now,” I say quietly.
“I don’t want to stop,” she says, a hint of some emotion in her voice that I can’t quite figure out. “And you don’t have to tell me until you want to. You never have to tell me, actually. I shouldn’t have even asked in the first place.”
That’s what finally makes me look at her. I don’t want her to think she did anything wrong. I walk ahead of her, stopping us as I face her. Her lips are curved downward, her brows furrowed, and I have to look away. I stare down at our joined hands instead.
“No, I like that you asked. No one else has. They’ve all just made up their own stories.”
“I hate that for you.”
“And I’m grateful that you do,” I tell her. It’s the truth. I’ve never had someone be in my corner as much as she is. I like that she might be as protective of me as I am of her.
I know I owe her an explanation. But I’m worried that I’ll say too much once I start. So for now, it’s better if I stay quiet.
I look back at her, staring into her sparkling green eyes and hoping she knows I mean what I’m saying.
“I’ll tell you soon, Izzy. I promise. I owe you that much.”
She doesn’t say anything, but the way her face softens, that small smile back on it as her thumb runs against my hand, says more than words ever could.