21. Izzy
21
IZZY
Hopping around my room is not a fun way to start the morning, but whoever is knocking at my door hasn’t seemed to realise that.
I hold on to the wall as I make my way over, my jumper bunched around my neck with the sleeves dangling behind me. My skirt isn’t even zipped up so it falls down my thighs with each hop and I have to yank it back up.
I open the door expecting to see Amelia or Chloe, but instead, I’m greeted by hazel eyes and a kind smile—a smile that falters as soon as Noah moves his gaze from my face and realises that I’m half dressed. He spins around, clamping his hands over his eyes as he stutters out an apology.
“Sorry. I should have said it was me.”
I don’t have the energy to be embarrassed about Noah seeing me like this. I fix my clothes, zipping my skirt up at the side and putting my arms through the sleeves of my jumper.
“You can turn around now,” I tell him, and he slowly rotates his body, hands still covering his eyes. I lean against the wall and reach up to pull his hands down. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see how you were,” he says, putting his hands into his pockets.
“You could have texted me.”
There’s no reason for me to question him so much when he just wants to check in on me, but something changed between us yesterday. I want to know if he felt it too, or if it was just my painkiller-induced haze.
“I know. But I’d rather see you in person.” He pauses for a second, weighing his next words. “And I wanted to walk with you, just in case.”
“In case…?”
“Just in case.”
His non-answer should annoy me, but there’s something in his eyes that gives me a small glimmer of hope—hope that maybe he feels the same way I do about him.
“My bag is over there,” I tell him, gesturing toward the desk as I rotate so my back is pressed flat against the wall. I don’t want to test him anymore.
The door closes behind him as he shuffles past, careful not to bump into me. He picks up my bag from where it’s resting on the floor next to my desk and throws it over his shoulder. It’s only now I realise how broad they are. He has our bags on the same shoulder but they fit comfortably.
“Do you need anything else?” He grabs my crutches without me having to ask.
“My phone should be somewhere there, too.”
I watch Noah as he moves around my room. When he left last night, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I didn’t expect him to tell me the reason he came to Coates. I also didn’t expect it to make me so sad. Noah isn’t a bad person, and I hate that he thinks he is because of one incident. I don’t know how I can make him believe that, but for as long as we’re doing whatever this is, I want to try.
Noah walks back over to me, giving the room one last glance before passing me the crutches. I find my balance, adjusting them under my arms as I take a tentative step.
“All good?” Noah stands next to me, his head dipped low as he watches me move around awkwardly.
“Yeah, just getting used to them.” I readjust my arms so the crutches fit more comfortably.
“I can carry you again, if you want,” he offers, nothing but kindness behind it.
As much as I want him to, want to hide my face in his neck again and feel like he’s shielding me from everything, I know it’ll make me feel worse in the long run. A lot of people saw him do it yesterday, so it’s not like we need to put on a show for everyone again.
But the biggest reason I can’t let him do it again is that I don’t trust myself enough to be that close to him and not do anything stupid.
“It’s okay,” I tell him, and he nods, stepping past me to open the door. He flattens himself against the wall as he holds it open, giving me enough space to pass by him and leave my room before he follows after me.
Noah stays by my side as we slowly make our way to the main building, bypassing the dining hall that people are still trickling out of from breakfast. I woke up early enough that I probably could have made it there if I tried, but I couldn’t muster up enough energy to actually get out of bed.
By the time we get to homeroom, my stomach has rumbled a grand total of five times. I hope one of the girls has a breakfast bar or something in their bag that I can steal.
I shuffle through the desks until I reach mine, Noah still trailing behind me with his hand on the small of my back. I tripped over the steps coming up to the main building, and his hand hasn’t moved from there since he reached out to steady me.
I stand next to my chair, and Noah leans past me to pull it out so I can sit down. I drop into it, laying my crutches flat on the ground. Noah’s already put my bag on the desk, but as I go to move it, there’s something on top. A small box and a carton of apple juice rest on top.
“You weren’t at breakfast,” he says, and that’s explanation enough.
“Thanks,” I tell him as I open the box to see a stack of three pancakes covered in syrup.
My favourite breakfast food. Noah passes a fork to me that he must have stolen from the dining hall, and I start eating. Even though they’re cold and I’ve eaten them hundreds of times before, they’re the best pancakes I’ve ever had. Noah pierces the straw through the top of the carton and passes it to me so I can take a sip. I try to focus on eating, but I can feel Noah watching me the whole time.
This has to be real for him, too. Why else would he get my favourite food when he noticed I wasn’t there? Why else would he come all the way to my room—the complete opposite direction of homeroom—just to walk with me?
But I can’t let myself be too hopeful. Noah is wonderful, and I’m sure he would do this for anyone in his life—fake girlfriend or not.
When I’m finished, he takes the empty box and carton from me and puts it in the bin at the front of the classroom. I open up my bag to double-check that I’ve got everything I need when I hear the most irritating noise.
“Isabelle, are you okay?”
“Leave me alone, Ryan,” I say, not even bothering to look at him as I check that I’ve got the right books for today.
“I’m just checking on you. I heard you fell over pretty bad yesterday.”
I don’t respond to him, hoping that he’ll take my silence as an answer and finally leave me alone. He tuts before letting out a sigh.
“You should have called me,” he adds.
“For what?” Noah’s voice startles me. There’s a harsh tone to it that I’ve never heard before. It’s completely at odds with the boy who’s been nothing but soft with me.
“This is none of your business,” Ryan says, and his voice is suddenly deeper. I have to stifle a laugh at how he’s trying to sound more intimidating.
“You’re talking to my girlfriend, so yes, it is my business.”
This isn’t the right time for butterflies to take flight in my stomach, but hearing him call me his girlfriend sounds better than it should. Noah rounds the desk to take his seat next to me, but as soon as he does, he’s back up again.
“Won’t be your girlfriend for long,” Ryan says, and the scrape of Noah’s chair against the ground has me covering my ears.
“She asked you to leave her alone, so I suggest you do what she says.” Noah’s deep voice makes those butterflies run rampant, and I wish they’d chosen a better moment than this.
“Or what?” Ryan taunts, clearly trying to get a rise out of Noah as he leans across his desk.
After hearing why Noah left his old school, it’s obvious that Ryan found out somehow. I know he wouldn’t actually do anything, because that’s not who he is, but I don’t want him to get into any trouble.
I reach out, closing my fingers around his wrist and pressing lightly. Noah glances down at me, his expression changing instantly to the gentle one I’m so used to seeing now. I shake my head lightly, silently telling him that it’s not worth it, and he understands. Noah lowers into his seat, not even bothering to look at Ryan again, and keeps his eyes focused on me.
Ryan scoffs right as Mrs. Harper enters the room. He didn’t get the fight he wanted, and he’s probably going to pout about it for the rest of the day. He goes back to his desk, looking back to glare at Noah before sitting down.
“I’m sorry,” Noah whispers as Mrs. Harper takes attendance.
“You don’t have to say that,” I reassure him, my thumb running across his wrist, before he removes it from my grip.
Even though he won’t act on anything, I’m starting to worry about how much more of this he can put up with. The constant taunts, glares, and whispers about him. It’s starting to upset me, too, just to know he’s having to deal with all of that. Even if he won’t admit it to me or himself, there’s only so much a person can take before it gets to them.
His arms are folded across the desk as he listens to whatever Mrs. Harper is saying. I reach over and tap his thigh before turning my palm so it’s facing upward. When Noah looks down, he doesn’t hesitate before giving me his hand. I intertwine our fingers together, giving a gentle squeeze that he reciprocates. Noah lets out a soft exhale, his shoulders relaxing as he holds on tight to my hand.
He absentmindedly strokes his thumb across the back of my hand, his fingers running up and down my knuckles. It’s like he’s trying to map out every part of it in his mind.
When Noah touches me like this, it gets harder to pretend that this is still fake. I feel special, like I’m something precious he wants to keep forever. I don’t want this to end, but we set an expiry date before it even began.
And I know that Noah can do better than me. He’s got his whole life figured out, and I barely know what I’m doing next week. I can’t bring him into my mess or distract him in any way from the future he’s dreamed of for so long.
So I’ll just keep these moments with me forever. I’ll remember that I had this time with him, that he made me feel the way no one ever has and probably never will ever again. And I’ll work hard at convincing myself that it was better than having nothing at all.
* * *
When I eventually make my way to Noah’s practice, they’ve already started playing a match. As soon as Luke notices me leaning against the fence, he jogs over to me.
“And what made you think coming down those stairs while you can’t walk was a good idea?”
“I have a weapon,” I warn him, waving one of my crutches in his direction.
“I also have a weapon, and it’s your brother’s phone number.”
I stick my tongue out at him. If he’s going to be childish, then so am I.
“I fell asleep before I could call him. I’ll tell him tonight, so you can calm down, old man.”
Luke crosses his arms across his chest, staring at me the same way Isaac does when he’s annoyed with me. Having two older brothers is fun until they start acting like this.
“You still haven’t explained why you’re down here when you’ve hurt yourself. I’m sure Noah would understand if you didn’t show up.”
We both look at the field at the same time. Noah’s so focused on watching the ball that he hasn’t noticed I’ve arrived yet.
“I wanted to,” I tell Luke.
It’s the simple truth. Noah’s shown up for me in more ways than I can count. The least I can do is hop down a couple of stairs to watch him play football.
“You’re too stubborn for your own good. At least let me get something for you to sit on,” Luke says before he runs up the stairs. He returns a few moments later with a chair he must have stolen from somewhere.
“You’re ridiculous,” I say, as he drops it in front of me.
“Sit down, Izzy,” Luke says, exasperated.
I do as I’m told, but only because I’m tired of standing. I place the crutches across my lap, and once Luke is satisfied that I’m not going anywhere, he jogs back onto the field.
I look for Noah again, and he’s got the ball at his feet, dribbling it until he kicks it powerfully toward Josh. Honestly, I don’t know much about football. I never cared enough about Ryan to pay attention to anything he said about it, but I want to learn more for Noah. From what I’ve seen, he plays really well when he’s given the chance to.
It takes a couple more minutes for Noah to realise I’m here, but when he does, his entire face lights up. He sticks his arm all the way up in the air and waves at me, the corners of his mouth turned upward. I wave back at him, and I’m glad he’s far enough away that he can’t see my cheeks turning red.
When they finally finish playing, about ten minutes later, Noah runs over to me as soon as the whistle blows.
“Thanks for coming,” he says. He stands with his hands on his hips, his chest moving up and down rapidly.
I smile at him, shrugging, because it’s not even something he needs to thank me for. My face drops when I see Ryan walking toward us though. I hope he’ll walk straight past and realise how serious I am about Noah by showing up for him even while I’m hurt.
Instead, he completely disgusts me by spitting at the ground near Noah’s feet.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I shout at him, unable to hold back the resentment I feel toward him.
“You should ask him that,” he says snidely, nodding his head in Noah’s direction.
“I know you keep saying stuff like that because it makes you feel big and smart, but it just shows what a waste of oxygen you are,” I say, finally letting out everything I’ve wanted to since he started acting like this. “Leave my boyfriend alone and leave me alone. If you say one more thing to either of us, I’m going straight to Mrs. Fisher. I’m sick of your shit, Ryan. Get over yourself.”
Ryan’s mouth drops open, his eyes wide at my outburst. I’m sick and tired of dealing with him. He’s a constant thorn in my side while I’m already struggling to figure out so many other things. He opens his mouth, but I shut him down before he can say anything.
“A single word and I’ll be at her office,” I warn him.
This has gone on long enough now. I’ve given him chance after chance to stop, to grow up and realise that I want nothing to do with him. I’ve also let him get away with treating Noah badly for too long. I should have put a stop to it as soon as I realised how bad it was. I haven’t done enough in the past, but I’m putting my foot down now.
One of Ryan’s friends comes over to us, grabbing his arm and dragging him away. Ryan looks back at us, glaring as he walks up the stairs. I do the same right back to him. He’s not as scary as he thinks he is.
Noah’s hand on my knee is the only thing that stops me from shooting daggers at Ryan. I turn my head, and he’s crouched in front of me, his gaze steady as he watches me. He takes my free hand in his.
“Thank you,” he says again.
I clench my jaw as I feel my chin start to tremble.
“I don’t get how you can just ignore the way they treat you,” I tell him. I’ve only encountered it a few times now, and each time has been mentally draining. I can’t begin to imagine how much else he’s been going through when I haven’t been with him.
“It doesn’t bother me. I know it’s only for a few more months, and then I can leave all this behind.”
In my head, I excuse myself from that generalisation. I don’t want him to leave me behind.
“Well, it bothers me,” I huff out, trying to act tougher than I feel. In reality, I want to cry. I dip my head to hide the tears I can feel forming from my frustration and sadness.
“What does?” Noah asks. He rests his chin on my knee and looks up at me through his long eyelashes.
“I don’t like the way they treat you. I don’t want them to think the worst of you,” I confess.
“What do you think of me?” he asks softly, a warmth in his hazel eyes that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
“I think you’re…” Brave, wonderful, funny, the best person I’ve ever met. “Kind.”
“Then that’s all that matters.” He smiles softly at me before pressing a quick kiss to the back of my hand. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
Noah stands up, letting go of my hand so I can fiddle with my crutches. He steps to my side, and I let out a squeal when he hooks his arms under my knees and around my shoulders to pick me up. I don’t fight him on it, though. Today has been exhausting, and if I can take this tiny bit of comfort from him, then I want to.
He’s careful as he carries me up the stairs, toward the dorm buildings, and right back to my room where he lets me down gently onto my chair.
“I’ll come get you tomorrow morning, okay?” Noah tells me as he takes the crutches from me and leans them against the wall. “Do you want pancakes again?”
Something as simple as that shouldn’t have me on the verge of tears, but that’s where I am. All these small kindnesses from him are starting to build up, starting to mean far too much to me, and I’m scared of when they’ll end.
“Yes, please,” I tell him, my voice quiet as the lump in my throat grows.
He nods once before stepping away from me, and going toward the door. He’s just about reached it when he turns around and comes back to me. Noah’s lips ghost across my cheek for a split second before he rushes out the door. The dam inside me finally breaks.