Chapter 14
‘You,’ said Carol to Jerry, when he’d put on his cassock and checked his hair in the mirror, ‘look utterly adorable.’
Jerry looked back at her. ‘Not sure the word adorable is entirely correct to describe a grown man dressed as a choir boy!’
‘Well, you do. All innocent and gorgeous,’ she said, pinching his cheek.
‘Again, possibly inappropriate, Carol,’ he told her.
‘Would it be inappropriate to offer you a wee nip of the old Dutch courage?’ asked Carol, pulling a hip flask from under her cassock.
‘Entirely and utterly essential,’ he replied, holding the flask to his lips and taking a deep gulp. ‘I’m not sure my heart rate can cope with the tension that I’m currently feeling.’
‘Has he been in touch at all since you invited him?’
‘He sent an emoji of a candle an hour ago.’
‘Right. Does that mean anything? Is it a euphemism, you know, like an aubergine?’
‘How do you know about aubergines?’ asked Jerry.
‘They talked about it on This Morning some time ago.’
‘OK. Well, no, I don’t think a candle means anything. But I guess it could mean he’s holding a candle for me?’
‘Oooo, good one. Like it. But does that mean he’s coming?’
‘I have absolutely no idea.’
‘This is soooo exciting,’ announced Carol. ‘Not since I went to the Plasterers’ Ball in 1965 and was hoping that Ray Entwhistle would be there have I felt this excited.’
‘Was he there?’ asked Jerry.
‘No,’ said Carol. ‘His bus never turned up. But that night Jack asked me to do the Viennese Waltz and, well, he was a tremendous dancer – and lover, as it turned out.’
‘Too much information, Carol.’
‘Not really. I did marry him.’
‘Wow,’ said Jerry. ‘I wonder what would have happened if Ray had turned up then. You might never have danced with your future red-hot lover and husband.’
‘I know! Last time I heard, Ray did time for aggravated burglary, so thank God for a shoddy bus service in 1965 is all I can say.’
Jerry shook his head. ‘That blows my mind,’ he said. ‘Your life could have been entirely different had that bus showed up. And who knows where my life might end up if this guy turns up tonight?’
‘The absolute joy of life,’ said Carol, jumping up and down. ‘The anticipation is nearly killing me. I cannot contain myself. You will introduce me, won’t you, if he does come? I’m dying to see what all the fuss is about.’
‘Of course,’ said Jerry. ‘After all, this was all your idea. I’d still be just having coffee with him on a near-daily basis by now.’
‘Instead of waiting for him to turn up to church to see you in a white dress. It couldn’t be more romantic.’
‘Right, everyone, gather round,’ came the booming voice of the choirmaster as he clapped his hands. ‘We’ll have a very quick warm-up and then it’s show time. Places, please.’
The candle-lit church looked stunning as the twenty-two-strong choir, each chorister holding a lit candle, filed out of the vestry. Jerry concentrated hard on not setting fire to the very long hair of the girl in front of him whilst he strained to scan the congregation to see if he could catch sight of coffee-shop man. He also had to sing his harmonies to ‘Silent Night’, and doing three things at once was taxing him. The choir walked all the way down a side aisle to the back of the church before turning into the central aisle to parade towards the altar. It was a calm and beautiful moment. The candles flickered as the voices of the choir filled the air. Fairy lights twinkled on a Christmas tree and spotlights lit the wooden Nativity scene displayed on a table near the front of the church. The air was truly magical. Whatever you thought of religion, this was a special moment. People united through song in the most stunning environment as they had done for hundreds of years. No one could fail to be moved by it.
Jerry already had goose bumps, but he felt as if his heart had leaped into his mouth as he passed a man on the end of a pew who wore a red scarf much the same as the one that the coffee-shop man wore.
He glided slowly past him as he sung, ‘… all is calm, all is bright …’
He thought his heart was going to burst out of his chest. He couldn’t help but look over. And just as he did, so did the man, and it was him. The coffee-shop man had turned up. Had turned up to watch Jerry sing carols in a candle-lit church. He couldn’t quite believe it. They exchanged a grin before Jerry realised he’d nearly bumped into the girl in front of him. He slowed down, but he couldn’t wipe the massive smile off his face. They continued to glide forward, then fanned out at the top of the aisle to take their places at the front of the church and face the congregation for the first time.
‘So?’ hissed Carol as she settled next to him.
‘He’s here,’ he hissed back.
‘Thank the Lord,’ said Carol. ‘Our prayers have been truly answered.’
‘Amen,’ said Jerry.
The rest of the concert went by in a haze as Jerry sang his heart out, filled with love and joy and happy ever after. He belted out ‘Once in Royal David’s City’, followed by ‘O Little Town of Bethlehem’ before calming down somewhat when they got to ‘Away in a Manger’. However, the magic of the occasion nearly did bring him to tears. He didn’t have a clear view of coffee-shop man as his sightline was obstructed by a very tall man in front of him, but he could see the red scarf for most of the time to reassure him his man was there. He simply couldn’t wait to finish the concert so he could rip off his cassock and run into his arms.
‘You go,’ said Carol, in the vestry when they had finished. ‘Go get him. Go snog him, go do something with him – I don’t know what – but you go and keep the Christmas dream alive.’
‘Will do,’ he said, beaming at her. ‘And thank you,’ he added, clutching her arms. ‘Thank you for praying for me. I can’t thank you enough.’
‘Merry Christmas, one and all,’ laughed Carol. ‘Now go.’
Jerry had chosen his outfit under his cassock carefully. He’d picked a Scandinavian-style jumper: red and white, with deer prancing in horizontal rows. He felt it showed his fun festive side without being gross or tacky. That was the image he wanted to portray to coffee-shop man, who always looked smartly dressed.
He approached the throng around the mulled wine station at the back of the church, holding his breath. It suddenly hit him that he might not wait, he might just leave, not having understood that the invitation to carols extended to the essential mulled wine and mince pies afterwards. He scanned the crowd, his heart thumping. What if he had left? What would that mean? He had no idea.
Someone had put a Christmas CD on and Cliff Richard was belting out ‘Mistletoe and Wine’. What a killer combo, thought Jerry, weaving through the crowd. The words hinted at such opportunity for joy and romance.
Then he saw a flash of red on the periphery of the crowd and made a beeline for it. But he felt the head chorister grab his hand en route.
‘Great performance tonight, Jerry,’ he said. ‘Real energy. So glad you’re with us.’
Jerry beamed back, pulling his hand away. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I’m so very glad too. Sorry, but there’s someone I need to catch up with.’
He turned and literally bumped into coffee-shop man, who had clearly been making his way towards him.
‘Gosh, sorry,’ said Jerry. ‘I was just coming to find you.’
‘No problem. I got you a mulled wine, although I wasn’t sure if it’s your drink of choice.’
‘It’s not anyone’s drink of choice really, is it? I mean, who really wants hot wine? Stroke of genius, branding it as a Christmas drink. The only way to shift it, I imagine.’
‘Bit like your Eggnog Latte?’ said coffee-shop man.
‘Oh, no, I like Eggnog Latte; I’d drink Eggnog Latte all year if I could.’
‘Well, you’re weird.’
‘I guess I am,’ grinned Jerry. ‘Most definitely. And proud of it. I mean, we couldn’t get weirder than this, really, could we? A first date in a candle-lit church surrounded by geriatrics drinking lukewarm wine.’
The minute he said it he regretted it. Why had he said ‘first date’? It wasn’t a first date, was it? So why had he said it? In his head, of course, it was a first date. But he didn’t need to say that out loud. And the look on coffee-shop man’s face told him that it had been the wrong thing to say. His face had fallen and a serious tone had taken over.
‘Look,’ he said, ‘shall we take a pew?’
Nice, thought Jerry. Nice to hear someone using the term when there was actually a pew to take.
‘Sure,’ he said, leading the way back to the front of the church to a pew overlooking the wooden Nativity scene. He shuffled along and sat down before turning toward coffee-shop man and raising his cardboard cup.
‘Merry Christmas,’ said Jerry.
‘Merry Christmas,’ said the man, before taking a sip. Jerry watched as he lowered his cup and looked down into it as if contemplating what he was about to say. Jerry’s heart sank. The signs weren’t good. His body language indicated that he was struggling for words. Not a good sign at all.
‘Look,’ said the man, looking up now into his eyes. Jerry felt himself about to pray, yet again. ‘Look, I’m so glad I came tonight …’
There’s a ‘but’ coming, thought Jerry. I can hear it. Please, God, not the ‘but’.
‘But I don’t know where you think this is going, but …’
OMG, not one, but two ‘but’s.
‘I mean, I really, really like you and I wish with all my heart this was a first date, I really do, but …’
Jesus, a third ‘but’.
‘I came here to tell you that I can’t see you for a while. I mean, I know we’re not seeing each other but …’
Four ‘but’s. The more buts, the more difficult the conversation, reckoned Jerry.
‘What I mean is, I love our chats at the coffee shop, I really do, but I just need some time to sort myself out. I’m just not in the right place at the moment to start anything more. I’m so sorry.’
He looked down into his now empty cup.
Jerry nodded. What did that mean, he thought. Not in the right place. Already had a boyfriend? About to go to jail? About to sign up to some major reality TV show? Moving to Guatemala? What did he mean, not in the right place? He was here, sitting next to him, having turned up to watch him sing. How could that mean he wasn’t in the right place?
‘Can I ask you what place you are in, exactly?’ asked Jerry. Praying it was the reality TV option, not the already has a boyfriend option.
He shook his head. ‘It’s very complicated,’ he said. ‘I’m … I’m …’
Go on, thought Jerry. Just spit it out.
‘I’m just in a difficult place right now and until I can work that out, then, well, I’m no use to anyone, quite frankly.’
‘A difficult place’ could mean anything. Jerry bit his lip to try to fight back the disappointed tears.
‘Will you always be in a difficult place?’ he asked.
The man shook his head. ‘I hope not,’ he said. ‘I really mean that.’ He looked up at the sky-high roof of the church. ‘Coming here, wanting to come here, has made me realise that I have to face up to it. I have to sort my life out, but there’s a lot I need to sort out, so much.’ He gave a massive sigh as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders. All Jerry wanted to do was put his arms around him and tell him it was all going to be OK, but he wasn’t sure that was the right thing.
‘I’m sorry,’ the man said, turning to face Jerry again. ‘So sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on or anything, I really didn’t, but I just needed to come and see you. I’m sorry to have caught you up in it all, but …’
And another ‘but’ …
‘… I think I’d better go.’ He stood. ‘You were wonderful, by the way. Great voice. Great performance. Thanks for inviting me and, well, I hope you have a Merry Christmas.’
Jerry swallowed and looked away. He couldn’t watch him leave. He looked firmly forward, staring at the wooden Virgin Mary before he brushed a single tear away.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d sat there before he sensed someone making their way down the pew to sit with him.
‘I am not liking this scene,’ said Carol. ‘You sitting at the front of the church alone. Why aren’t you already in Soho snogging his face off or something?’
‘You have such a stereotypical view of gay men,’ sighed Jerry.
‘Tell me if that’s not what you’d like to be doing right now?’
Another tear slipped down Jerry’s cheek and he lay his head on Carol’s shoulder.
‘The Christmas fairy tale turned into a nightmare, huh?’ she asked.
‘I made some stupid joke about first dates and then he sat me down and said he was in a difficult place. That he couldn’t start anything right now. He had stuff to sort out and that it would be better if we didn’t even meet in the coffee shop for a while.’
‘A difficult place?’
‘That’s what he said.’
‘Being anywhere near me after I’ve eaten Brussels sprouts is a difficult place. Did he explain his difficult place?’
‘Not really. I mean he seemed pretty depressed about it. I can only assume he’s involved with someone else, but then why come here at all? I mean, why not get himself out of the relationship if it makes him miserable? I don’t really understand. I don’t know what to think. Maybe there is a glimmer of hope – that he can get himself out of this difficult space he speaks of – but it is hard to tell when he didn’t really explain.’
‘Relationships are so complicated,’ said Carol. ‘You can never really understand other people’s fully. And I have to say, getting out of a relationship is one of the hardest most complicated things you ever have to do. He perhaps just doesn’t know how to do it.’
‘Maybe,’ replied Jerry. ‘But it doesn’t help me, does it? I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than whilst I was up there singing Christmas carols and thinking about what was going to happen, and now I think I’ve never been sadder. Bloody Christmas.’
‘Mm,’ sighed Carol, kissing the top of his head. ‘Merry bloody Christmas.’