Chapter 23
Count your lucky stars
Morgan
Alone in my room, it’s hard to place what happened today. It started off fine, but then it went downhill. I can picture Paddy at lunch with another woman. That feeling inside me when I wished that was me, then realising I might not ever get my chance.
I tap my pen to my pad of paper where I’ve not written a thing. Everybody I know has encouraged me to write down everything in my own way, and now, given everything that happened earlier, I can’t understand why no words are coming to me.
My head feels like a cloud. It’s too full. Too heavy. And yet, I can’t grab hold of any slither of what happened to begin untangling it.
Getting up off the floor, I walk to my wardrobe and open it to reach up for a box of my old journals.
The one I pull out is bound with Sellotape down one side.
Happiness at remembering my early writing days, blooms inside me.
I must have been eleven, maybe even twelve when I first started writing things down properly.
This is my first one. The only one I ever shared with my friends.
Walking back to the spot on the floor, I lean back against my bed, resting my head on the mattress as I carefully open the old journal.
October 31st 2014
Halloween is for babies. I’ve decided. Mum says I’m only saying that because I didn’t get as many sweets this year, but she can bog off. If you’re going to try and give me an orange on Halloween, then I quit.
Laughing, I flick through more of the pages.
December 24th 2014
Oh my God, Father Christmas is coming tomorrow…
well, tonight, but you know what I mean!
I’m so excited! When I spoke to Fi, she said her older brother told her that Father Christmas isn’t real.
Obviously, I would NEVER admit this out loud, but I still believe.
I lied and said that I don’t to my friends because I don’t want them to laugh at me, but I know he has to be real.
How else do the presents get under the tree?
Anyway, I never believe what Fi’s brother says because he’s so bad.
January 11th 2014
I got my first typewriter! Oh my God, I can’t wait to get some ink and some paper from the shops so that I can start typing like a real writer.
We have to go into town because the local shop doesn’t sell what we need.
But hopefully Mum can take me tomorrow after she’s finished work!
I wrote a poem in English today. Holly said it was good.
I wasn’t sure, but then my teacher, Mr Deveril, he took it and showed our head of year.
Apparently, it’s going up on the school achievement board tomorrow, which is so embarrassing!
Everyone will laugh at me! Maybe I could type it up once I have what I need!
I remember no one laughing at me. In fact, most of my friends were proud. Still, I chuckle at the memory as I get up and drag more of my journals down.
I find one with a laminated front which is the first one I typed. Skimming over the latter half of the pages, one makes me stop.
It’s a blank page, apart from a date at the top.
August 1st 2022
Staring blankly at the page, I have no clue why I wrote a date but nothing more.
Going back, nothing suggests anything was wrong or out of the ordinary. As far as I can tell, everything was fine. There were no friendship issues.
Our exams were finished.
Life was good.
Shaking my head, I flick through more pages, slowing as I move towards the back of the journal.
Each entry is shorter.
The words chop and change out of rhythm with one another.
October 10th 2022
Something is wrong in my world.
Why have I never gone back and read these?
Dropping my journal to my lap, my thoughts are a mixture of grey and black. Dark eyes then push through, my thoughts drifting to Paddy and how annoyed he looked when Holly’s father came and took me away. Paddy’s text to make sure I’m alright, but I haven’t replied yet.
I wish I could shake the guilt, but if it hadn’t been for my swift exit, then… well, I don’t know what would have happened.
Looking down at my phone, I notice a text from Holly.
Holly: Count your lucky stars, I’ve managed to get the night off!
Oh my God, that’s exactly what I needed to hear
Holly: I’m free now if you fancy a walk?
Yeah, a walk would be good. Feels like it’s been ages
Holly: It has.
Meet you by the bus stop?
Holly: I’ll be there in 15 x
“This feels nice.”
“Doesn’t it.”
Holly and I walk across the open plain, the wind blowing wildly in our faces.
“Talk about blowing off cobwebs, my eyelashes won’t last another five minutes.”
I let out a soft chuckle. “Might be good for you to ditch those things.”
“No way,” she disagrees with a laugh. “I look ugly without them.”
“You do not.” She’s ridiculous.
“It wouldn’t do you any harm to try them once in a while.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
She drops her gaze, eyes widening. “Nothing. Just that occasionally, it wouldn’t hurt to practice some feminine beauty.”
“Feminine what now?”
“Beauty,” she says with finality in her voice. “Like getting your nails done. Or your hair. You used to love having your hair done.”
“I did?”
She nods. “Remember? You let me practice for college before I decided hairdressing wasn’t for me.”
I shudder with regret. “I didn’t love it. You said you’d dye my hair dark brown, and it actually came out purple.”
She shows me her teeth, biting them together. “Sorry.”
My lips pinch.
“So you won’t be dying yours this weekend when I do mine?”
“Absolutely not.” I push her away from me playfully. “I don’t want to look like a plum again. I don’t mind getting you what you usually go for, but count, me, out.”
“Killjoy.”
“Whatever,” I tell her.
We walk over the next few fields, cutting through to the back of the woods that skirt around the main cul-de-sac in Stoney Grange.
“Are you not tired yet?” Holly asks me, slightly out of breath.
“No.” I give her a soft smile. “Paddy and I have walked this way every day for the past two months. I’m used to it.”
“And what about him? Are you used to just being his friend yet?”
I blink because I’m not sure what to tell her. “No.” Okay, so that was easier than I thought it was going to be. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be happy just being his friend.”
She looks at me with keen eyes. “Did something happen?”
“No. Yes.” I shake my head. “Urgh, not exactly.”
She stops, pulling my arm back. “Woah, what did I miss?”
I deflate. “Nothing. You missed nothing.”
“I missed something. Come on, tell me. It can’t be that bad, and if it is, you know I always tell you like it is.”
Taking a few steps, I let out the biggest heave, tilting my head up to the canopy of leaves above me. “I saw him with another woman.”
“No,” she drags out.
I close my eyes. “Yep. They looked… cosy.”
“Cosy?”
“Cosy,” I mouth.
Holly’s feet come to a stop. “What does that mean? Where did you see him?”
I recall seeing Paddy with the lady at the café and how it destroyed me and subsequently ruined my day.
Looking at Holly, she puts her hands on her hips. “So?”
“Did you not hear what I said, Hols? He was with another woman?”
“So?” she says again, more firmly this time. “That doesn’t mean anything. It could have been anybody.”
“But they touched hands.”
Her hands fly to her cheeks. “Touched hands? Oh my God, when’s the baby due?”
“Piss off,” I snap at her. “It hurt seeing them together.”
This time Holly laughs at me. “That just means you have deeper feelings for him than you thought.”
Maybe. “But he lied. He said he was meeting his boss.”
“Okay, so that’s different.” She taps her bottom lip, thinking to herself as we continue walking through the forest. “Maybe she’s a friend?”
“Do friends look intimately at each other and put their hands on the other’s hip?”
Holly tilts her head at me. “I’m not sure. I hear they kiss and all sorts these days while remaining firmly in the friend zone.”
My feet stop and I turn to face her. “Are you mocking me?”
“No,” she laughs. “But I do think you might be reading this all wrong.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time I didn’t know how to read a situation.”
“Well, some people aren’t naturally gifted like I am.” She shrugs arrogantly.
My head feels thick enough to fall off my shoulders. “Can we change the subject?”
“Sure.” She smiles as she turns to carry on walking. “So when are you seeing him again?”
“Holly.”
“What?” she chuckles. “I’m only curious.”
I frown, refusing to give her eye contact.
“Oh come on, Morgs. I’m your best friend and I’ve been so caught up with work that I haven’t even hung out with you guys yet. I want to know what it is about him that makes you go all gooey-eyed like you do.”
I turn my nose up at her. “Gooey-eyed?”
“Yeah. You know…” Holly sucks in her cheeks, pulling a face that makes her look like a delinquent.
“I do not look like that.”
We exit the woods and make it back to the main road. “You did the first time you saw him.”
“Well I’m not like that now.”
“Let me be the decider of that.”
“How?” I stupidly ask, knowing I’ve walked right into her trap.
She grins mischievously. “By letting me come with you the next time you see him.”
Digging my heels into the ground, I know my best friend will make things awkward if I let her anywhere near Paddy.
She has no filter when it comes to social interactions.
Before, I wouldn’t mind because I was always so out of the loop with everything.
But with Paddy, it’s different. Even if I can’t keep him to myself, he’s the only one I feel like I can be myself around other than Holly.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I tell her.
“Why not?”
“Because you’ll embarrass me.”
Holly throws her head back, howling, her shoulders bobbing up and down. “I’m allowed to. I’m your best friend.” She gives me her best pleading eyes. “Please, I’ll be good. And you’ll know if He-man’s the one if he passes all my tests.”
I blow out an exasperated breath and cross my arms.
Widening her eyes a fraction, mine narrow. But we remain silent as I weigh up my options. I told Paddy I wouldn’t go tonight. I don’t want him to think I’m desperate by showing up, plus, his family might be there.
But if I don’t go, he’ll think I don’t care. I wish I didn’t, but my chest aches at the thought of missing something that’s important to him.
“He has a football match tonight.”
She claps her hands together. “Perfect.”
“Wait,” I exclaim. “I told him I wouldn’t go.”
“Why’d you do that?”
“Because I was mad that he lied.”
“Okay, here’s what we do.” Holding her hands up like she’s formulating a plan, I watch as her excitement grows. “We make you look even more drop dead gorgeous than you already are and show up at the game.”
“Holly—”
“He won’t be able to look away from you because, uh, hello.” She runs a hand up and down, gesturing to my body as she continues, “Then we make him desperate for you before we leave.”
I shake my head. “You’re mad.”
“No, I’m a genius.”
Letting out a sigh, I start walking. “I’m not sure.”
“You’re never sure about anything anymore.”
I look at her. There’s hope in her eyes that I’m going to agree to this. “Oh, crap.”
“What?” she asks quickly.
“Sarah.” I slap a hand to my head. “I told Sarah I would go to the game.”
Her mouth drops open. “Ha. There you have it. We’re going. It’s sorted.”
Swallowing, I give in and realise she might be right. “Will you promise not to call him He-man anymore?”
Her lips roll in on each other as she nods.
“Show me your hands.”
Slowly, she pulls her hands to where I can see them.
I raise a brow, and she uncrosses her fingers.
“Promise me.”
She groans. “Alright. I promise,” she says indignantly. “Now, we need to get back and get you ready. This is my first night off in ages and I don’t want to waste a second more talking about it.”