Chapter 32 You Need Help
You need help
Morgan
Sick.
You’re sick.
You’re not right.
You need help.
You need help.
You can’t do this.
You need help.
You can’t live like this.
Voices chant and taunt me. Everything’s black. The air thins. I need it; I need air.
Breathe.
“Morgan?” I hear my name.
I blink, pulling my gaze off the floor.
“Talk to me, Morgan.”
Breathe.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
There’s another voice. Not mine. Not Paddy’s.
It’s over.
What?
“We need to get you help,” Paddy says shakily.
You need help.
“Why?” My throat croaks. Mind hazy.
I don’t notice Paddy stepping closer. Don’t hear him as I watch his lips move. “Morgan.” His arms are on mine, dragging me to look at him. “I wish there was something I could...”
I feel like I’m underwater. His lips frantically move, but his words are muffled. I want to ask what’s wrong. But no words come out. I blink, trying to make things clearer.
Paddy starts talking again. The only word I catch is, “Home.” He takes my hand and steers me to the bed.
I sit on the edge as he moves around me. Breathing heavy. Packing bags. Making calls. He takes my hand again, pulling my body into his, guiding me through the hotel and outside to his car.
The unfriendly bite in the air has my senses spiking. “We’re leaving?” My blood swims like I’m drunk. Words slurry.
The car door closes. Paddy rushes to his side and gets in. “Yeah, curly fries. I need to get you home.” This time I hear him clearly. “Can you call Holly? Put her on speaker and ask her to meet us at yours?”
I slowly twist my head to look at him. “Okay.” I pull out my phone and press dial before making sure the volume is up loud.
Holly answers just as Paddy pulls out his phone.
“Hey.”
“Hi,” I reply, tone flat, riddled with uncertainty.
“Everything alright?”
I honestly don’t know how to answer. “I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean, you’re not sure?”
I look at Paddy, who’s watching me intensely. “Can you meet me at mine?”
“Morgan, you’re scaring me. Are you okay? I thought you were away with Paddy?”
“I am. We’re on our way home.”
“Already?” Holly asks, shocked. “What happened? Did he hurt you? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. He didn’t hurt me.” I don’t think.
I don’t know.
You need help.
“Can you just meet me at mine in an hour?”
“I’m already leaving.” She hangs up, and I keep my eyes on Paddy.
He looks to the road before looking back at me. “I’ll explain everything when we’re home.”
Nodding feebly, we don’t talk or even put on the music, the car deathly quiet until we’re pulling up outside my house.
Paddy’s out of the car and rushing round to me as soon as it comes to a stop, engine still running.
Mum and Dad are at the door with faces that could make me crumble. They look so sad. So broken. So unbelievably destroyed.
You’re sick.
“Where is she?” I’m paralysed as my dad forces Paddy to one side. “Tell me exactly what happened.”
Paddy stands back in horror, looking at me through the open car door. “She knows she’s ill.”
Dad drops his head, voice cracking as he says, “We need to get her inside.”
“She’s having an episode,” Paddy tells him, but my dad cuts him off, scooping me out of the car like I’m an invalid.
“I warned you, Paddy,” Dad says sternly.
“I…” Paddy’s voice swells with raw emotion. I’ve never seen him cry. Never heard him sound so broken.
Over me?
You’re sick.
“Get her inside,” Mum instructs, and there’s a hustle of feet as I’m taken into the house. “Up to her room,” she further adds, the front door remaining open as we climb the stairs, me still in my dad’s arms.
“Bill, I’m… I’m so fucking sorry.”
My dad lays me on my bed on my side, switching places with my mother.
She fusses over me, but I look through her, watching Paddy.
Dad holds his shoulders, forcing him to look at him. “What happened, son?”
“She… we were…”
You need help.
“Focus. We need to know so that we can help her.”
Paddy draws in air, eyes locking with mine. “We were in the hotel room. She wanted to know why I wouldn’t… why I wouldn’t take things further.”
My dad sighs, his jaw ticking. “And?”
Paddy tears his gaze off me. “And I told her I couldn’t because she wasn’t well.”
You’re never going to get better.
“What did you tell her exactly?”
“That I needed to get her home. That’s it. That’s all I said.”
My dad nods. “We’ll look after her from here.”
Paddy lunges in my direction. “No. I’m not fucking leaving her.”
Surprising me, my dad embraces Paddy, calming him. “Alright. Alright.”
Paddy grabs at the back of his shirt, gripping it firmly as he looks at me over my dad’s shoulder.
I’m struck by my father’s compassion. “Why are you upset, Paddy?”
The look on his face is like I’ve just signed my death warrant. His eyes are wide as if he’s unsure of what to do or how to react.
My dad lets him go, and he wipes under his eyes. “I’m fine, curly fries.” He looks at Dad. “Holly should be here any minute.”
“I’ll grab a few things and wait for her,” Dad replies.
Paddy nods in his direction, then comes to the side of my bed.
“You’re crying.” I lift a hand to the side of his face, feeling the stubble on his cheek.
“I’m good.” His hand raises to the back of his neck, but he stops himself, seeing me watching him. “I was worried about you. That’s all.”
You’re never going to get over this.
“Why?”
He blows out a ragged breath. “Because you mean so much to me, curly fries.”
Dad makes his way back into the room with my brother close behind him. “Here.” He passes my mother something, holding out a glass of water.
“Take these, Morgan,” she says.
I sit up slowly, eyes looking between everyone. My body’s weary. My muscles ache. “I’m tired.”
Mum looks at me sympathetically, holding out her hand as she replies, “You had an episode, love.”
“Julie,” Dad warns, but Mum shakes her head.
“No more, Bill.”
He gasps, and even Jerry looks at me, worried.
“Look at her. Look at our child.” Her eyes brim with tears as she reluctantly encourages me to swallow the tablets in her hand. “Look at what we’ve done to her.”
“We did what was best.”
Mum shakes her head, a valley of tears leaving wet tracks on her cheeks. “It wasn’t best for her.” She looks at me with remorse haemorrhaging from her. “Paddy was right.”
There’s no comment. No words of disagreement. No nothing from anyone as they all stand and stare at me.
Like an animal in a cage, the chains around my feet clang together as I stand, hearing the front door knock. “That’s Holly,” I say quietly, slowly stepping towards my bathroom door.
When nobody moves, I turn back around to face them.
Six eyes are watching me like I’m a bomb about to detonate.
“Can someone let her in?” I say weakly.
The door knocks again, louder this time.
Jerry runs a hand through his hair. “I’ll go.”
Closing the bathroom door behind me, I sit on the lid of the toilet, dropping my head into my hands. I can hear muffled voices and people going downstairs, but no actual words.
Weighted down by dread, I stay as I am until I hear Holly come into my room.
“Where is she?”
“In here,” I shout, getting off the toilet, but only to let her in.
She looks me up and down before looking back at Paddy. “You can go.”
He doesn’t acknowledge her.
“It’s fine, Paddy. You don’t have to stay.”
His head slowly shakes side to side. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Fine.” Holly pushes her way into the bathroom.
I lock the door.
“What’s going on?” she asks, worry making her eyes widen.
Rubbing my head, I move to the sink and wash my face with cold water. “I don’t know.”
“Did you two fight?” She sits on the toilet.
I grab the small towel hanging on the hook. “A little.”
Her face flames red. “Fucker.” She’s on her feet in a heartbeat.
“Sit down,” I say firmly, dabbing my face, not needing any more drama.
The tablets I took seem to be working. The heavy head and inability to see or hear clearly, push back against the black. The negative feeling of conflict begins to subside. The voices retreat, no longer enjoying their games.
“I was hearing people.” I think.
“Hearing people?” Holly recites back to me, voice thick and edgy. “Like, people, people?”
All I can do is nod.
“Are they talking to you right now?”
I lean my head back against the door. “I think I’m sick.”
“Well, get your head over the toilet.” She moves out the way for me.
“Not that kind of sick.” I slide down the door.
“Are you okay in there?” Paddy calls from his side.
“She’s fine,” Holly snaps, shrugging off her coat and sitting on the toilet again.
“Morgan?”
“I’m fine,” I gripe, knowing it doesn’t feel that way. “Mum called it an episode,” I then say to Holly.
Holly’s eyes narrow like pins, her jaw tenses. “An episode? Morgan, none of what you’re saying is making any sense.”
“Trust me, you’re not the only one finding this confusing.” I close my eyes, hearing Holly biting her nails.
“What are they doing about it? Your parents, I mean?”
My shoulders lift. “Don’t know. Mum gave me tablets. That’s it. I think they’re starting to work.”
“What tablets?”
I open one eye. “Painkillers.” I think. Whatever they were, my body’s relaxing.
“What painkillers?”
Both eyes are now open. “I don’t know. The kind that take away the pain.”
She looks through the bin, rummaging through the crap.
“What are you doing?” I grimace when a used tissue lands on the floor.
“Checking what you’ve taken.”
“Why?” I ask, my back straightening.
Holly looks up at me, giving me an obvious glare. “To see if I can make sense of it.”
“Make sense of what?”
Her cheeks puff out dubiously. “Because, parents or not, you don’t just take tablets off people without seeing what it is first.”
My eyes narrow. “I think taking something off my mum is fine.”
She laughs under her breath. “It’s always the people closest to us who hurt us the most.”
Standing to my feet, I grab the rubbish from the floor and begin tossing it back in the bin. “I think you’re overreacting.”
“Listen to me,” she says, eyes wide and tone even. “I love you and your parents, but they have always been shady with you. Controlling you. Acting like you don’t have a life of your own. I’m serious, Morgan. If I were you, I’d be over that bowl and emptying my stomach, just in case.”
“Oh my God,” I half laugh, half hear myself getting angry. “What the hell are you saying?”
“I’m saying, don’t be so naive. Something isn’t adding up here.”
“Like?”
She curses under her breath. “How often does your mum give you tablets? A lot? Just this once? Which is it?”
“What?” I shake my head, feeling my hackles rising. “I…”
“Think, Morgan.”
My head feels heavy on my shoulders. My cheeks feel hot. My spine tingles.
You’re sick.
“This isn’t the first time.” Thick webs trap me. Long roots have me grounded.
Holly’s hands come up to her mouth. “Oh my God.”
“Don’t say that. Oh my God what?”
“Is she keeping you medicated?”
“Medicated for what?” I hold out my hands, palms to the ceiling.
“Morgan?” Paddy knocks on the door.
Both Holly and I ignore him.
“I’m not sure I like what you’re implying, Holly.”
She laughs. “I’m not sure you’re seeing what’s right in front of you.”
The conviction in her voice makes me falter. We never argue like this. Never. Something definitely isn’t right. Maybe Paddy asked me to call her, knowing something I don’t. My defences rise.
“I think you need to leave.”
Shock fills her face. “Not until I know you’re safe.”
I stare at her, the voice coming back louder this time.
You’re sick.
“Morgan?” Paddy says again.
You’re never going to get better.
The room feels like a pressure cooker about to explode.
“Please go,” I tell Holly.
You need help.
“No,” Holly replies.
You’re not right.
“Morgan,” Paddy bangs loudly on the door. “Let me in.”
You can’t do this.
My hands slap to either side of my head. “Go,” I say more forcefully, but still Holly refuses to budge.
The rapping on the door mixed with Holly’s hard stare has me sinking to my knees. “Go away! Go away! Go away!”
“Morgan!” The door snaps off its hinges as Paddy flies into the room.
You’re sick.
“Go away! Leave me alone!”
“Hey.” Paddy takes my head in his hands, pulling my face to look at him. “She’s gone, Morgan. She’s gone.”
You’re never going to get better.
“Stop talking to me. Please, leave me alone.”
“Look at me, Morgan. I’m right here. You’re safe. No one’s going to hurt you.”
I open my eyes a small amount, seeing the worry in Paddy’s eyes.
“You’re safe. I’ve got you.” He strokes a thumb over my cheek.
“They won’t leave me alone,” I whimper, feeling hopeless. Helpless.
“They will. You can make them stop. We can make this all go away. You’re not on your own. I promise.” He drags me into his arms, holding me tight.
I dry heave unexpectedly, my body shaking as Paddy holds me so tight, I know I’m not going anywhere. “And Holly? Did she leave?” My breath snatches in my throat.
His body goes rigid.
Forcing myself back, I look up at him. “Did she go?” I look at the busted door, seeing my mum sitting on my bed. She’s crying into her hands as my dad wraps his big arm around her.
What’s happening?
Looking over his shoulder, Paddy follows my gaze before looking at me.
His eyes are swimming. “Yeah, curly fries. She’s gone.”
“We argued. I should apologise before she goes.”
I try to stand but Paddy’s strong hands lock together. “She’s gone, Morgan.”
“I can catch up with her, let me go.” I try in vain to get out from under his hold.
“Listen to me, baby. She’s gone. She’s not coming back. Not now. Not ever.”