Chapter 33 Justin
JUSTIN
“Man, you’ll never believe what I’m about to tell you!” I spat into the phone.
“What done happened now?” Tate asked.
“I just left my lawyer’s office, and somehow Ava found a way to get the divorce granted without my consent! Ain’t that shit illegal?”
“I couldn’t tell you. I’ve never been married, but I’d imagine that just because you didn’t sign the papers doesn’t mean the judge wouldn’t grant her the divorce. I think all she probably had to do was prove you cheated and contracted HIV, and any judge would push the divorce through.”
“Well, damn, you didn’t have to say it like that!” I responded.
Ever since Tate heard me out, we had been back talking…
just as friends though. As far as us sleeping together, he made it very clear that was never going to happen again.
I was cool with that because had the tables been turned, I would have felt the exact same way.
I wasn’t sweating that anyway; I was just glad that I had my friend back.
I didn’t want to have to go through all of this alone, so to have my friend back meant a lot to me.
The only difference now was that he never missed an opportunity to throw what I did back in my face.
Tate stayed throwing shade, and it was making me feel some type of way ‘cause I really wasn’t trying to hear all of that especially today of all days.
I knew what I did was wrong. I didn’t feel that I needed the constant reminder, but if this was his way of coping and getting over what had happened, then I was going to have to try to be patient with him.
“I shoot straight from the hip, Justin, and you know that.”
“Yeah, but the constant reminders though… are they really necessary?” I asked.
“I look at them more as facts, not reminders.”
“Look, I didn’t call you for all of this. I’m really sitting over here fucked up behind this shit. The last thing I feel like doing is getting into it with you right now.”
“My bad, I wasn’t trying to kick you while you’re already down, but honestly, what did you expect to happen?”
“It sure feels that way. I can’t say what I expected to happen because I never intended on things turning out the way that they have.
This all has me fucked up in the head. My doctor is supposed to clear me to return to desk duty at work.
But my head is so fucked up that I’m going to have to ask him if I can take an extended medical leave of absence. ”
“You gon’ have to get yourself together because the last thing you need is to lose your job. How are you going to take care of yourself without a job?”
“I already know, but my mental is way off. I just have way too much going on right now and it’s too hard to accept it and move on.
” I couldn’t believe Ava had just up and left me like that.
She didn’t even try to hear me out or nothing.
She ran straight to divorce court and cut all ties with me.
I bet it was her sister and that dude influencing her like that because she never used to be that way.
“I guess I’m just a little confused by some of this.”
“Confused about what?” I asked. What I was going through was pretty clear cut. Tate knew everything that I was dealing with, so for him to be confused had me feeling confused.
“I mean, you and I had been doing things on the low for years. The whole time, I felt like you were just using women, including Ava as a cover-up because you didn’t want anyone to know you’re gay,” Tate began, but I cut him off.
“First off, I’m not gay, bro. I’m bi-sexual, Tate, just like you.
You don’t have room to talk because you have dated women, and numerous women might I add, over the years as well.
What I have done is no different than what you had been doing, so please try to refrain from judging me because the pot shouldn’t be calling the kettle black,” I debated, because now he had me in my feelings.
The fact that he was trying to make it seem like I was doing anything different than what he had been doing was just bogus. I couldn’t count the number of times he had gotten caught up by different people he fucked around with, so he shouldn’t have been talking crazy.
“The difference is I’m not as reckless as you are.”
“How so? Please don’t act like you have never gotten caught up before,” I fumed.
“Are you serious right now, dude? Yeah, I have gotten caught up but that shit still doesn’t compare to what your ass did.
I always use protection when I do my shit!
Bet you can’t say the same! Plus, I never married any of the women I fucked around with,” Tate debated.
“You even said it yourself that Ava didn’t completely satisfy you, so why you married her is the million-dollar question?
You could never compare what you done got yourself into to anything I have ever done in life, period! ”
“Wow! So now we gone’ take the conversation there.
Okay, for one, I married her because it was the right move for me to make.
And two, just because I said that she didn’t completely satisfy me didn’t mean that I didn’t love her or enjoy sex with her…
it just wasn’t enough. Look, I’m feeling like shit as it is, and I have to go to my doctor’s appointment in the morning.
I truly don’t want to go, but I have no choice because I need for him to fill out my paperwork packet for work.
Every appointment leaves me feeling fucked up because of the whole HIV virus shit that I’m still trying to process and figure out.
So, I’ma go bury my head in the dirt ‘cause now I feel even more fucked up than before I called you. I’ll talk to you later. ”
“Hold up.” Tate laughed.
“I personally don’t see shit funny.”
“I’m not laughing at you, but that was kind of funny. Talking about you gon’ go bury your head in the dirt and shit. Get out your bag, nigga! You got yourself in this mess, so you gon’ have to man up. The virus isn’t the end of the world! Just be lucky that you found out when you did.”
“Yeah, coming from a person that tested negative… that’s easy for you to say.”
“I’m still not completely in the clear though. Just the fact that I had to get tested for the shit was fucked up, so I get why you feel like you feel. Hell, stand in the mirror and slap the first dummy you see ‘cause the shit is all your fault.”
“So, you gon’ take every waking opportunity to remind me about how I fucked up, huh!
” I yelled then continued, “I already feel like shit. I’ve lost it all and gained a death wish!
I don’t need to feel any worse than I already do.
You shouldn’t have accepted my apology if you haven’t completely forgiven me ‘cause I’m sick of you throwing the shit up in face. ”
“Get out yo feelings, J. Stop looking at it like having HIV is a death wish. There are hundreds of people that live long, productive lives with HIV, so stop tripping.”
“That’s easy for you to say. I bet if you would have tested positive, you’d be singing a different tune.”
“Shit, you right about that! The first song I’d be singing is the whoop yo ass tune since you the one who gave me that shit!
So, you should be damn glad I tested negative,” Tate said.
“I tried calling you a few nights ago. I figured you had a lot going on. The last time we talked, you said you were going to try to get Ava to hear you out. I never heard back from you to see how that went. Did you get a chance to talk to her?”
“Well, we’re officially divorced now, so what does that tell you? I went over there the other night, and she had a whole nigga at her crib.”
“My bad, Justin. Try to think of it as it happened for a reason. Now you can live in your truth.”
“What does that mean? Live in my truth?! Here you go again.”
“Seriously, you have no choice but to make better moves from here on out. You have to look on the bright side of it all.”
“Man, there is no bright side! It’s whatever, my life has forever been changed by all of this. Even when it comes to dating. Who gon’ want to fuck with me when I’m walking around with HIV?”
“Once you get on the right medications and get past the fact that you now have to live with the virus, things will fall into place. Just give yourself some time.”
“Yeah, whatever. Like I said, I’m about to go bury my head in the fucking dirt. I feel like shit, and that’s that.”
“How about we meet up and go have dinner? There’s no sense in you sitting in the crib sulking over some shit you can’t change.
It’s fucked up you have the virus. I’ll give you that, but all that means is you’re gonna have to make some hard lifestyle changes, and you’ll be straight.
Trust and believe, you’re gonna be good. ”
“This conversation is turning me off. You can talk all that shit ‘cause yo ass ain’t got it. You can’t speak on emotions that you haven’t experienced,” I said. This nigga was pissing me off every time he opened his mouth.
“You’re right. My bad. I didn’t think about it that way.
I just don’t know what to say to cheer you up.
I offered dinner, we could go get some crab legs and feast on a broil or something.
I’m off tomorrow, and if you want, I’ll even go with you to the doctor.
I’m willing to be there for you as a friend. ”
“Damn, you’d do that for me? I appreciate that, Tate.”
“Yeah, it’s all good, even though I should have kicked your ass.
I take part of the blame because I chose to fuck with you on that level.
Now that I know better, I’ll do better. We’ll never fuck around again, but I can still be your friend.
If you want, I can come pick you up. I’m already out, I was riding around trying to decide on what to eat for dinner when you called me. ”
“Okay, bet. I’ll be ready in ten minutes.”