Chapter 17 Of Scars and Secrets #2
It was dumb that Calla was soothing her through this, but it was working, which was also dumb, and a little fucked.
Calla should want nothing to do with her, but if she pulled away right now, it would break her heart.
Calla wasn’t going anywhere, though. Her grip tightened.
She was still waiting, still patient. Giving her the space to find her words.
Riley hadn’t known her heart could swell in her chest like this while it was hurting.
“This… bond, I think I’ve been feeling it since we first laid eyes on each other, so yes, it hurt to find out you were willing to inflict the same pain I’ve already suffered in the past. I was hurt.
I was also relieved, because then the mist happened, and you tried to sacrifice Eryx, and I thought–I thought, yes, here it is.
This is all too good to be true. You’re all as ready to turn on each other as the worst of them.
You’re no better than me.” Riley lifted her eyes to meet Calla’s then, and she did look surprised now.
“But you didn’t try to do that for gold, did you?
Or even for the Heart. Otherwise you would’ve tried to stop me when I took it for myself.
” Riley shook her head, digging the nails of her free hand into her knee to force herself to admit the truth.
“I know what I am, and I tried to see the worst in you, because I know what the worst in me looks like. I’ve been betrayed enough in the past to be willing to be the one doing the betraying rather than let it happen again.
And I told myself none of what I was doing was personal, because the truth was too much to bear.
That I finally stumbled into something I’d been longing for my whole life, and I was too broken to reach out for it.
” Riley breathed in sharply, staring toward the porthole rather than at Calla.
“That’s why I betrayed you. Because I was too broken to know anything different.
If I hadn’t been like this, I would’ve seen what was happening to you, that you weren’t yourself, that your pretending you didn’t care whether I took the Heart or not was just a front.
And I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Calla.” Her voice wavered, and she was gripping Calla’s hand now, because she was terrified Calla would let go and leave her all alone, even though she deserved it, even though Calla should.
“I know it’s not enough, and I’ll finish what I started when we find the Heart again, I promise. I never meant–”
Calla gripped her chin, forcing Riley to look at her, and Riley couldn’t see clearly through the tears in her eyes, but she didn’t look happy. It made a sob lodge in her throat, because this was it. Calla would tell her to fuck off, that she wanted nothing to do with her or her useless apologies.
“You won’t touch the Heart again,” Calla said, making Riley blink her tears away. This wasn’t what she’d expected to hear. “Least of all for this. I don’t need you to finish what you started. Do you hear me?”
Riley frowned. She pushed through the knot in her throat to ask, “How else am I supposed to fix anything?”
Calla’s features softened, and she looked at her as if she’d said the dumbest thing. “Oh, Riley.” Her palm slid to Riley’s cheek, and she caught a tear with her thumb. Her other hand was still clutched tightly in Riley’s. “You don’t need to fix anything. I never needed you to.”
Riley shook her head, because surely this wasn’t right. “But you hate yourself, Calla. Because of me. I did this to you.”
Calla gripped her chin again, but Riley wouldn’t have been able to look away from those eyes even if she’d wanted to.
They pierced through her, holding her in place.
“I’ve hated what I was my whole life, and it never had anything to do with you.
I felt trapped, and I was out of time to escape the sea’s claim on me, but not anymore.
I can live like this.” She spoke slowly, firmly, as if willing for Riley to understand.
“It’s not what I wanted, but I can live like this, and I won’t have you trading your own life to make me anything else. Do you understand?”
Riley searched Calla’s eyes for any hint of deception, but she found none. Slowly, she nodded.
“Promise me you won’t touch the Heart again,” she said.
The hint of panic in her voice, in her eyes, made Riley’s heart thud numbly beneath her ribcage. “I promise,” she said quietly.
It was Calla searching her eyes then, and Riley stood still, allowing her the study.
Then Calla leaned forward and pulled Riley close against her in a tight embrace.
Riley gasped into her chest. “I’m sorry, too,” Calla said into her hair, her words so sorrowful they made Riley want to cry all over again.
“You’re not the only one who made mistakes. ”
Her hold let up enough that Riley could lean back, and they looked at each other. The sadness in Calla’s eyes was more than Riley could take right now, so she smiled. A small, tentative thing. “I think it’s your turn to share, captain.”
There was a glint in Calla’s eyes at that, and it already made Riley breathe easier. “If you call me captain again while we’re in here, I’ll fling you overboard.”
Riley couldn’t help it. She laughed. It faded into something quieter when Calla’s cool hand came to cup her cheek again.
For the first time, Riley dared to reach back.
She pressed her own hand over Calla’s and leaned her cheek into the press.
She couldn’t suppress the contented sigh that followed.
“Too bad for you, I know how to swim now.”
Calla’s lips twitched. “Maybe in another few days, you will.” Her expression sobered as her thumb gently stroked her cheek, drawing out another sigh. Riley could stay like this the whole night, and she would be happy. “What do you want to know?”
Riley didn’t hesitate. “Everything.”
Calla smiled then, and it was warm. “Let’s go somewhere more comfortable, then, because I’m not done with you either.”
Riley’s breath hitched at that, and she allowed Calla to tug her to her feet, lead her to her bed.
Calla had refused to sleep in the same bed as her, but now they settled down together, and Calla pulled her into her arms. They sank into each other as if they were meant to fit together, and they talked into the night.
Calla told her about her mother, and how her father had thrown her to the village to be stoned to death upon finding her skin, making Calla watch. Riley told her about her own father, and, eventually, about Neera.
And the more they talked, the more the lifelong pain that had dug deep inside Riley’s chest started to scar over.
All that was missing was Sable.