4. Sophie
4
Sophie
Meena tried not to act surprised to see Sophie at her door.
‘I wasn’t sure if you’d be in. I couldn’t remember if Sasha had something on this afternoon,’ Sophie said.
‘She’s got dance, but at pick-up Claire asked if she wanted to come over for a playdate. She’ll drive Sasha and Georgie to dance after.’
‘Well, that’s lucky for you. One less thing to do ...’
Meena still hadn’t asked her to come in. Instead, they stood there in silence for what was probably a few seconds, but it felt like hours to Sophie.
‘Do you know how hard it is to find friends as an adult?’ Sophie asked. ‘I looked it up and research shows making a casual friend takes around fifty hours on average, while close friendships take two hundred hours. Two hundred hours! Who’s got that sort of time?’
Meena didn’t say anything.
Sophie went on. ‘What I’m saying is, when you’ve spent the number of hours you and I have together, which I’m thinking by now is well into the thousands, then we can’t just give up on that sort of investment. Can we?’
Meena smiled at her and shook her head. ‘I see you brought wine,’ she said, as she gestured to Sophie to come inside.
‘It’s why I Ubered here,’ Sophie said, walking in.
They were a couple of glasses in when Meena brought up their conversation from earlier.
‘I shouldn’t have said you don’t have to work. It was anti-feminist of me. Work isn’t just about getting paid, or whether or not you have to do it, it’s also about keeping your career alive and having an identity outside that of just a wife or a mother.’
Sophie briefly wondered if Meena had read up on this somewhere after their phone call.
‘You don’t have to—’ Sophie started.
‘No, I want to. I know my career has stagnated and I probably should go back to doing something – though I don’t think I could work for anyone again. I can only take so much shit before I blow a fuse.’
‘The key then is to find a non-shit workplace.’
‘Ha! They should put that in job ads – we are a certified non-shit place to work.’
Sophie laughed. ‘I think the only reason my work is so flexible is Todd practically bribed the company’s owner to hire me. Over golf, at that.’
‘I remember you being so mad when you found out. But you got over it. Maybe that’ll happen with the move?’ Meena said.
‘Can we not talk about the move, please?’
‘Okay, but have you at least spoken to Todd about it?’
‘Meena. Stop. Please.’
‘Ah, going for the ostrich approach by burying your head in the sand. Gotcha.’
Sophie rolled her eyes and took a sip of her wine. ‘Anyway, I think I’ve bought into the whole “having it all” myth we were fed since we were kids,’ she said, trying to change the topic.
‘Oh, I was reading an article on Instagram about it,’ Meena said.
‘They have articles on Instagram?’
‘Well, it wasn’t so much an article as a post by this woman I’m semi-obsessed with because she meal preps all her family’s meals for the week on Sunday.’ Meena shrugged. ‘Do you want to hear what she said or not?’
‘Sorry, go on.’
‘Basically, she said something along the lines of, it’s not enough that we are these amazing wives and mothers, we also have to be at the top of our career. If you’re not losing your mind from doing the juggle, then are you really doing life?’
‘Is this why she meal preps? To not lose her mind? Also why isn’t her husband doing the meal prepping? Or at least helping?’ Sophie asked.
‘Who knows. Anyway, you remember that interior design course I did,’ Meena said. ‘It was only two days a week at the college but it took over our lives. Sasha was almost always late for her dance lessons, Owen often found it hard to leave work early, there wasn’t dinner at home ... I don’t know how I managed it.’
‘But somehow you did,’ Sophie said.
‘Yes but I also kind of lost my mind at the same time. I don’t know how you do three days of work.’
‘Well, the kids are older now and Todd helps a lot more than he used to.’
‘Yeah, well I guess that’s where the difference lies.’
‘Owen? But he’s so great with Sasha and they have those movie nights, right? And maybe if you let him, he might surprise you by how much he does help.’
‘Are you blaming me for his lack of help around the house?’
‘No, not at all! Just that I think as women we are too quick to do the work and maybe our perfectionism gets in the way of men helping. Todd doesn’t do things the way I would necessarily like them done – he fed the kids Nutella toast for breakfast this morning – but I have learnt to keep my mouth shut. It’s the only way he’s become more confident when dealing with the kids and the household chores.’
Meena didn’t respond, taking a sip of her wine instead. Sophie’s phone flashed a text message. It was Todd wondering if he should take the children to their favourite Portuguese chicken place after swimming. A healthier option would’ve been better, but rather than argue she quickly texted back: Sure.
She wondered if she should check in with work but then looked at the time. It was a quarter to five. Hopefully her team had forgotten that she’d promised to log on later.
Meena poured the last of the bottle’s contents into their glasses.
‘We’ve finished the bottle. Do you think we can finally talk about the tradie who called you sexy?’ She flashed a wicked smile at Sophie, who laughed back.
‘I don’t think I’m tipsy enough to talk about it.’
‘I was thinking about it, though, and it made me laugh how you wanted this brown blue-collar guy, a bit of rough on the side as they say. It seemed like such a white woman fantasy.’
‘Stop saying it like that.’
‘Like what?’
‘This whole white woman thing, the way you’re driving a wedge between the two of us.’
‘But you are a white woman.’
‘Yes, sure, but why should that make us any different?’
‘Are you kidding?’ Meena was sitting upright in her chair, placing the wine firmly on the table. ‘It makes all the difference. I thought it was obvious. The number of times we’ve sat down at a restaurant and the server only addresses you. Or when we go to our favourite boutique and they give you way better treatment than me. I almost feel like your maid sometimes.’
A gush of wine spurted out of Sophie’s mouth. ‘No, that’s not true.’
‘You can’t say that! This is my truth. It’s what I experienced.’
‘Well, shit,’ Sophie said. ‘I’m never going back to that shop again.’
‘I do love their French white tees, though,’ Meena said, and Sophie laughed.
‘She does curate a nice selection,’ Sophie agreed. ‘But no, no way I’m supporting a racist.’
‘The thing is she probably doesn’t even see herself as a racist. Most people don’t. Even the hardcore racists don’t see themselves as racist. But it’s the little things, the unconscious biases. When you’re not white you see them all the time.’
Meena let out a breath and sank back in her chair. Sophie took a big swig of wine from her glass.
‘Fuck her white tees then,’ Sophie finally said. Though if it hadn’t been for those white tees, Sophie and Meena may never have got talking that night they first met.
Sophie had marked the night in her calendar weeks in advance and circled it in red, mostly as a reminder to Todd that she was going to meet the mums from playgroup at a local pub and to make sure he was at home to look after the kids.
But when the night came, of course she was rushing and running late.
She was in the middle of breastfeeding Bodhi when the Uber driver pinged her on the app, saying he was waiting for her outside the house. She attempted to stop Bodhi from feeding by pulling him away a little from her breast, but he clamped down even harder, making her wince.
‘Can you tell the Uber driver I’ll be another five?’ she shouted out to Todd. He didn’t respond.
‘Todd! Can you go outside and tell the Uber driver to wait?’ she repeated, even louder, but he still didn’t say anything. She decided to text the driver.
‘Tilly’s just thrown up!’ Todd shouted from the living room. The words made Sophie’s stomach sink. Bloody daycare bugs. She could see how the whole night was going to unravel. She was going to have to skip the first night out without children she’d had in years and spend it on her hands and knees cleaning up vomit while Bodhi cried. And Todd would act like he didn’t know what to do and then a work call would arrive just at the most convenient time and he would leave her to spend another night in the trenches.
Well, no, she wasn’t going to let that happen. She’d not gone and had her hair blow-dried for nothing. She put her finger in Bodhi’s mouth to help dislodge him from her breast, a handy tip the lactation nurse had taught her. Bodhi complained a bit but as Sophie lowered him into the cot, he promptly fell asleep. Sophie couldn’t help but smile proudly at her son. She was so grateful he was different from her daughter, who wouldn’t breastfeed, who didn’t sleep and who pretty much cried the whole first year of her life. It was incredible that after that experience she and Todd actually had another one, or at least that’s what her mother had said when they’d first told her the news of their impending arrival.
The Uber driver pinged her again. He was going to have to leave if she didn’t come out in the next couple of minutes. She quickly messaged back an apology. She shoved a couple of breast pads in her bra, threw on the organic white t-shirt with a cute blue design that made her feel like she was sitting in a tavern with the Mediterranean Sea lapping at her feet, put on some red lipstick and headed to the front door.
Todd protested feebly when he realised she was leaving him alone to deal with the whole vomit situation.
‘But Tilly’s sick,’ he said. Tilly, meanwhile, was now sitting in front of the TV eating what looked like a packet of chips.
‘She seems fine to me,’ Sophie said. ‘Kids throw up all the time.’
And before he had time to answer, she put on a pair of gold gladiator sandals and dashed out the door.
At the pub, the women from the playgroup she had recently started attending were already there. Alice waved at her from the table. ‘Grab a drink from the bar if you like,’ she called out. Alice’s children were older. She had three in primary school and her eldest was already in high school, but she still ran the playgroup for mums with babies and children under five. She said she’d made such good friends running the group, plus it helped her give back to the community that gave her so much when she first moved to the area. Alice was an overseas transplant just like Sophie, except she had come over from Ireland.
Sophie decided to buy a bottle. She figured sharing it would help break the ice with the women at the table, as she was still getting to know everyone. The only space was next to a woman who smiled broadly at Sophie as she sat down beside her.
‘I’m Sakura,’ she said.
‘I’m Sophie, and there’s no way I’m going to be drinking this by myself. Would you like some?’ she asked.
Sakura quickly shook her head. ‘Breastfeeding,’ she replied simply.
‘I’m breastfeeding too,’ Sophie said, ‘but I’m giving myself a night off tonight. I already pumped some milk and left it in the fridge for my husband to give to our son. Can’t help feeling like a cow, though!’
Sakura smiled politely back at Sophie before turning to the lady sitting on the other side of her. She tried to engage in conversation with the women across the table from her, but it was too noisy and she could only catch snippets of what they were saying. Every now and then she tried to laugh along like she knew what they were talking about, even though she couldn’t hear them.
She was halfway through the bottle when she decided she was going to call it a night. Maybe her expectations for the evening had been too high. But at least it was better than cleaning up Tilly’s vomit.
She thought she would go over and say bye to Alice before heading off, but when she stood up she realised the room was spinning. She stumbled a little and reached out to steady herself by grabbing Sakura’s shoulder.
Sakura turned to look at her with concern. ‘You okay?’ she asked.
‘Yes, fine. Just not used to wine anymore,’ Sophie said, her face burning red.
‘That’s why I drink Coke,’ Sakura said, raising her glass.
‘I should probably do the same.’
Sophie noticed Alice by her side. ‘You eaten anything yet?’ Alice asked her.
‘No ...’ Sophie replied.
‘Well, no wonder you’re stumbling. You’ve got to pace yourself, even though I know how good it is to let loose when you finally get the night off from the heathens at home – I mean, children.’ She laughed at her own joke and Sophie smiled too. ‘We love them, of course we do, even though they suck us dry.’
She picked up the bottle of wine and led Sophie to the other side of the table, asking everyone to move along so Sophie could sit beside her.
‘Now the only thing I recommend eating at this pub is the chicken schnitzel,’ Alice said. ‘Anything else and you’re on your own. Though I think one of the girls tried the fish and chips and she lived to tell the tale.’
‘The burger’s fine too, as long as it’s well done, just to get rid of any bugs, y’know,’ a woman on the other side of Alice spoke up. She had the most glowing skin, that was the first thing Sophie noticed about her. And shiny black hair that came down to her shoulders. She wanted to know her hair and skincare routine straight away.
‘This is Meena,’ Alice said as Meena extended her hand towards Sophie.
Feeling a lot better after the chicken schnitzel and beer battered chips, Sophie shared the remainder of her bottle of wine with Meena and Alice.
‘I remember the first time I went out after having Jack. You’d think after having four I wouldn’t make the rookie mistake of drinking too much, too fast, but you’d be wrong. I spent that night with my head down the toilet,’ Alice recalled merrily. She had clear blue eyes, a freckled face devoid of any make-up and curly red hair she’d messily tied into a bun. Everything about her said homeliness and comfort, including the floral dress that came down to her ankles and sturdy flat shoes on her feet – no wonder all the mums at the playgroup were so drawn to her.
‘Do you miss home?’ Sophie asked her out of the blue.
‘Oh god, we’re not at the maudlin part of the evening already, are we?’ Alice asked with a smile at her lips. ‘Yes and no, I miss some of my family. Not all of them. Let’s get that straight. But yes, some of them and my mam. But I don’t miss the council block where I grew up. It was a tough place and every day I think of how lucky my kids are to not have to experience something like that.’
‘So you didn’t grow up on a farm?’ Sophie asked, and was embarrassed as soon as she did.
‘All you Americans think we Irish live in meadows surrounded by pigs and cows!’
Sophie didn’t want to say she actually thought of chickens.
‘You miss home?’ Alice asked.
‘Like you, yes and no. I miss some of aspects of it. Like Trader Joe’s. Wish they had a store here.’ Sophie smiled as she spoke.
‘I feel the same about Dunnes,’ Alice said. ‘How about your parents? It must be hard to be so far from them.’
Sophie shrugged. ‘We aren’t that close.’
Just then Meena let out a loud laugh as she chatted to the woman beside her and Sophie wished she was part of that conversation rather than the one she was having about her parents, who had proven to her again that they provided the minimal level of effort when it came to nurturing relationships, including that with their grandchildren. When they spoke, which wasn’t often, they’d politely enquire about how she was doing and then about the children’s health. And when Matilda was old enough to start engaging with them over their video calls they stiffly waved back at her and spoke to her as if she was thirty years old and not a toddler. ‘Are you enjoying the weather?’ they would ask and she would nod, unsure of what she was meant to say. ‘Any plans for the holidays?’ they would ask, and she would run off, leaving Sophie to answer.
Beside her Alice had started speaking to a woman across the table about how hard it was to find alone time with her husband. She couldn’t remember the last time the two of them had been on a date together.
‘Hasn’t stopped you having four, though.’ The words slipped out of Sophie’s mouth. Oh god, it was the wine speaking. There was a brief silence before the table, led by Meena, erupted with laughter.
‘You guys don’t need any more alone time, judging by the looks of things,’ Meena said to Alice, who good-naturedly shook her head.
‘Yes, yes, have your fun, but know that back home they look down on the fact I’ve only had four. One of my sisters had seven!’
‘Yikes!’ Meena said.
‘Honestly, I don’t know how you managed to do it often enough to have four,’ Sophie said. ‘Our sex life has gone down the drain since Bodhi arrived. The only way we do it now is to make it quick – a lips to breasts to vag pipeline.’
The awkwardness that stretched out after her comment left her wishing she could be swallowed up whole by the ground below her. Across the table, another woman tactfully changed topics to the toddler regression stage her daughter was going through.
Sophie figured now truly was the time for her to make an exit. But before she could beat a retreat, Meena sidled up beside her.
‘You are hilarious,’ she said. ‘And I love your top. Where’d you get it?’
‘Oh my god, I’ve just drunk too much and I’ve said more than I should have, especially to people I don’t know that well.’ She put her hands to her face and felt her cheeks burning underneath them.
‘That’s what makes you so brilliant. Now, about your top ...’
‘It’s just this small boutique. The woman who owns the place curates the pieces based on what she’s seen coming out of Europe. She’s there every six months or so.’
‘How is this place not in Vogue ?’
‘I think that’s by design,’ Sophie said.
‘Ah yes, don’t want the hoi polloi like me turning up.’
Sophie briefly shut her eyes. ‘I don’t think I can show my face at playgroup again.’
‘I don’t think half these women will remember what you’ve said by tomorrow. You know most of us are severely sleep deprived. Also’ – and here she dropped her voice so only Sophie could hear her – ‘She’s lovely and all, but Alice can be a bit of a prude.’
‘Ah okay,’ Sophie said unconvinced.
‘I have to say I’m intrigued by this lips to breasts to vag pipeline.’ And she burst out laughing again. ‘I might have to tell my husband about it.’
‘It’s basically the missionary position with a tiny bit of foreplay.’
‘Better than nothing,’ Meena said.
Around them the group was getting ready to leave.
‘How about you take me to this fancy secret boutique one day, then?’ Meena asked as she grabbed her bag. Sophie didn’t want to act too keen. What she really wanted to say was, ‘Tomorrow?’ Instead she bent down to pick up her bag off the floor. When she got up she bumped into a small woman, one of the pub staff. ‘Sorry,’ she said. The woman didn’t seem to notice as she seemed busy clearing their table. By then, Meena was speaking to another woman and heading towards the exit with her. Sophie quickly started to follow.
‘Your phone, madam!’
At first Sophie didn’t hear, her focus instead on the rest of the group who were now filing out of the pub and saying their goodbyes. She wanted to make sure she got Meena’s number before she left.
‘Your phone!’ The voice rang out again, louder this time.
Sophie turned around to see that the woman clearing their table was holding up her mobile. She shook her head at her own forgetfulness and quickly took her phone from the woman, rushing towards the exit.
Only later, when she was outside the pub, relieved that Meena was still there, did she silently admonish herself for forgetting to thank the woman for finding her phone. But there was no way she was going to walk back inside to do so. The woman had probably forgotten all about it.
The next week Sophie texted Meena and they arranged to meet at the European store. Neither of them brought their kids. They were both focused on having a proper shopping experience that didn’t involve chasing a toddler around the store instead of trying on outfits for size. They didn’t stop talking, so afterwards they grabbed lunch, only leaving the cafe when Todd called in a panic because Sophie had been out of the house for over four hours and Bodhi was rejecting the bottle of pumped breastmilk. Just the sound of Bodhi crying in the background made her breasts leak.
It was worth it, though, she thought now, her legs resting on a chair, feeling completely at ease in Meena’s living room, because she felt she had made a friend. Maybe even a lifelong one.
‘Not gonna lie, though, I’m kind of keen to see what she’s gone and got from Europe,’ Meena said, as a notification popped up on Sophie’s phone. Her Uber was outside.
‘Seriously, after what you just told me you want to go back and see her?’ Sophie asked, getting up to grab her bag.
Meena smiled. ‘I’m good at holding grudges, but I’ll let them go briefly for a nice outfit.’
Sophie shook her head. ‘Just don’t hold a grudge against me?’ She was serious. ‘I haven’t had great friends before. So, you know, this means a lot.’
‘It means a lot to me too,’ Meena said, pulling Sophie into a hug. ‘More than you can imagine.’