7. Meena
7
Meena
She was taking charge of her life and the first person she wanted to tell was Sophie. Who else but Sophie, the one who had listened to her endlessly complain about Owen, would understand what she was about to do? She’d done the bake sale at Sasha’s school, and even though her daughter might have thought it was cringe to have her mother at school, she hadn’t been able to hide her smile when she saw Meena. She’d even hung around the table where Meena was handing out slices of cake and brownies to parents who patiently lined up with pre-bought tokens, and asked Meena if she needed help. Meena was quietly delighted as Sasha worked by her side.
That night Sasha and Owen had their daddy–daughter movie night. Since it was Sophie’s day off work, Meena asked her to meet in the pub for an early evening drink, mostly because no one they knew would be there at 4 p.m.
At the bar a couple of fresh-faced bartenders were deep in conversation. Meena loudly cleared her throat but they ignored her.
‘Should we do something?’ the guy with the mullet was saying to the girl with the curtain bangs. If nothing else this younger generation sure kept the hair game interesting, Meena thought.
‘I went over to clear her glass but she didn’t even move,’ the girl said.
‘I think she might’ve been crying. She’s clearly not okay,’ the guy said as he turned his head in the direction of the woman sitting in a dark corner by herself.
Meena couldn’t help herself and looked over in the same direction. The woman was sitting staring into space. While her expression was blank, it looked like she was in shock over something.
‘I could go over again, ask her if she wants water or something.’
‘Maybe just take the water to her,’ Meena said.
The bartenders turned and finally acknowledged her presence.
‘Sorry, didn’t see you there. What can we get you?’ Mullet said.
‘Your best bottle of white, please, and a couple of glasses,’ Meena replied. Meanwhile Curtain Bangs was pouring water into a glass.
As Mullet got her order together, Curtain Bangs went over to the woman and spoke to her. Meena watched as the woman didn’t answer, so Curtain Bangs left the glass of water and came back. She gave Mullet a look, but understood from his expression that he wouldn’t respond till Meena’s order was filled.
As soon as Meena walked away from the bar carrying the ice bucket with the bottle of wine and glasses, the two bartenders went back to their conversation, except now they spoke much more quietly.
Meena headed towards a table beside the woman. When she came closer, she noticed the woman had not touched the glass of water placed in front of her. It was as if she hadn’t even realised it was there.
She pulled back a chair and sat down. Sophie, as usual, was running late so she decided to start without her, pouring a glass of wine for herself. For a brief moment she wondered whether she should pour some wine into the other glass and hand it to the woman, but then she thought better of it. Who knew how she would react?
Anyway, she had other things to think about – not only what she wanted to speak to Sophie about, but also the dreaded family dinner Asma had emailed her about and guilt-tripped her into attending. Meena pulled out her phone and brought the email up. She would show Sophie and they could have a massive bitch session about it.
from: Asma Rasheed [email protected]
to: Meena Jones [email protected]
Dear Meena,
I hope you’re keeping well. It’s been a while since we were in touch. I think it may have been nine months ago? When you came to visit Dad in hospital. I hear from Mum and Dad how well Sasha is doing. She seems to be very busy with all her dance and gymnastic activities. Time flies and in many ways it’s amazing to me that we both live in the same city but hardly get to see each other. Mum told me she called you and asked you to come for Saturday lunch, but you said you were busy. We’re all busy, though, Meena. It was nice seeing you in the hospital that one time you came to visit Dad. I know you were too busy to come see him as often as he would have liked but he did appreciate the flowers you sent. It’s been quite hard for me, as you can imagine, having to keep an eye on his health and manage Mum too. She was so stressed over his heart bypass I worried that it was affecting the health of her own heart too. The kids also have a lot on. Sana recently got voted in as school captain at her primary school. I’m so glad she’s getting to end this period of her life on a high. And Rohan has gained a keen interest in coding for robotics.
Meena could barely continue to read. Could her sister heap any more blame on her? Asma didn’t mention or care to point out that Meena had called her parents every day when her father was in hospital. That she had visited a couple of times and everyone had been reassuring and Asma’s own husband, Osman, who was a freaking heart surgeon, had been there to observe the surgery, though he didn’t operate on his father-in-law himself. A cardiac bypass, she was told, had good recovery rates and patients were expected to feel like themselves again after three months. Her father had assured her he was getting back to his usual self when she last spoke to him.
Asma knew how much Meena detested hospitals. Ever since that time she’d had her appendix removed as a child after days in pain, she baulked at the thought of stepping inside one. She had memories of being rushed to hospital in an ambulance and then being wheeled in for emergency surgery. Her parents had been in Dubai for two years by then, and only after they came back did they find out that Meena had almost died. After the surgery she remembered feeling very alone, no one explaining to her what was going on. Her aunt had been there, sure, but with her own kids to look after, her presence felt very much on the periphery. Meena had memories of her young self at night crying quietly into her pillow, missing her family on the other side of the world. Surely Asma could understand that the thought of being inside a hospital made her skin crawl?
She scanned over the rest of the email.
Anyway, I figured since Dad’s health scare we should make an effort to do more things as a family. It’ll help him feel better. Would you happen to be free for dinner on Friday night? I know you said Saturdays are tough because of Sasha’s dance commitments, plus on our end Osman is on call, so I thought Friday would work. Say you’ll be there? We can meet at Mum and Dad’s. I can cook. Unless you want to bring something and we can share the load for once?
For once. She had to get it in there. Every time Meena read the email she had the same response: her blood boiled. And trust Asma to come up with a plan Meena couldn’t get out of.
It had been a difficult time for them all, but if there was a silver lining it was that their father’s heart bypass had probably been the wake-up call he needed. He was walking every day now, adding vegetables to every meal he ate and even trying to cut down on carbs, which if you knew any desi man was a huge change to make. If anything, having dinner with his extended family would be the opposite of helping him feel better. Did Asma forget that the last time they all had dinner together she and Meena couldn’t stop themselves from trading insults?
‘Bitch.’ The word flew out of Meena’s mouth.
She spotted a movement in her peripheral vision and turned around to find the woman looking at her, startled.
‘Sorry,’ Meena said. ‘I didn’t mean to shock you ... It’s just, my sister, she knows how to get a rise out of me.’
The woman blinked back.
‘Sorry,’ Meena said again, before turning back to her phone.
‘My sister’s in India,’ the woman said. ‘I did everything for her.’
Meena swivelled around so she was facing her.
‘Well, I hope your sister appreciated everything you did. My sister is so annoying I left the country. And to be honest, every day I wonder why I ever came back.’ She laughed.
The woman didn’t return the laugh. ‘I think that too. Why did I come back here? Everyone I love is back in India. Well, not everyone. My son is here.’ The mention of her son made the woman drop her head and look back into her lap.
Meena didn’t know what to do. She looked towards the entrance but Sophie still hadn’t arrived. What the hell, she figured, and got up and went over to the woman, taking a seat beside her.
The woman looked up. Her eyes were red.
‘A lot of people are worried about you,’ Meena said.
‘They are?’
‘Yes, those two behind the bar were worried. I’m worried. I’m sure your loved ones would be worried if they saw you like this. You don’t have to tell me if you’re okay, but I’m here if you need to talk.’
Meena didn’t know where those words came from, but they poured out of her mouth and afterwards she felt as if she had accomplished something. Even if that something was a kind gesture towards a stranger.
‘Thank you, that’s very nice of you.’ The woman sniffed. ‘I didn’t think anyone had even noticed me. Most of my life I’ve felt like a ghost. Very few people see me.’
‘Well, I see you. You’re definitely real ... I think.’ She let out a short laugh. ‘I should pinch you or something, right?’ Meena asked. The woman finally smiled.
‘Sometimes a ghost takes over my body,’ the woman said. ‘Though maybe she doesn’t take over. She speaks to me sometimes.’ She stopped. ‘I did something I would normally never do, but the more I think about it, the more I figure it was something my friend would do.’
‘Well, you should tell your friend to stop with her spiritual possession and just call you when she wants to get in touch,’ Meena said, smiling, but the woman looked back at her sadly.
‘If only I could. She died a few years ago.’
Meena didn’t know how to respond. She wished Sophie would turn up. That was the thing with talking to strangers, you didn’t know the burdens they were carrying and whether in turn you wanted to be the person they offloaded such burdens to.
‘I said too much,’ the woman said.
‘You want a glass of wine?’ Meena asked.
The woman shook her head. ‘I don’t drink.’
‘I shouldn’t drink too, but you know, it does make me happy, so ...’ She shrugged.
‘Please don’t let me keep you,’ the woman said.
‘You’re not keeping me from anything. My friend’s meant to be here but as usual she’s running late. It’s annoying, but what can you do? We have to cut some slack for the ones we love.’
‘I don’t know. My husband won’t agree. I made a mistake and he’s very upset at me.’
‘Husbands get their knickers in a knot over stupid things. I’m sure whatever it is you did, he’ll come around.’
The woman looked at her. ‘He caught me using a vibrator for the first time while my son was by himself in the other room with an iPad.’
Just then Meena felt a hand on her shoulder.
‘I’m sorry! The traffic was so bad, plus Todd got stuck in a meeting, so I set out a little late.’ Meena didn’t know what to do except be wrapped in Sophie’s hug.
Sophie looked at the woman briefly before extending her hand. ‘I’m Sophie,’ she said.
The woman squinted her eyes at Sophie, as if she knew her, before shaking her hand.
‘I’m Rani.’
Meena and Sophie settled at their table as Sophie poured herself a glass of wine, then topped up Meena’s glass.
Meena was quiet, still struck by what Rani had said. She turned and looked over at her, sitting by herself sipping her glass of water. She couldn’t work out if Rani was sad over the friend she’d mentioned who had died or whether it was to do with her husband catching her pleasing herself.
‘Rani, would you like to join us?’ she called out.
Rani looked up, her face almost breaking into a smile, before she looked at Sophie and shook her head. ‘I don’t want to disturb you,’ she said.
‘You won’t be disturbing anything,’ Meena said and pushed out the empty chair beside her. Meanwhile Sophie was giving her a what the hell are you doing look, which she ignored. She’d explain to her later.
Rani settled in the empty chair at their table, looking slightly uncomfortable. ‘I shouldn’t be here. Honestly, I feel bad getting in the way of you both.’
‘Please don’t apologise. Let me get you a drink. A Coke?’ Meena asked.
‘Yes, how did you know?’ Rani asked. Meena shrugged before walking towards the bar to try to get Mullet and Curtain Bangs’ attention all over again.
When she returned, Sophie and Rani were in the middle of an animated discussion.
‘We were just saying it feels like we’ve met before,’ Sophie said.
‘The first time I laid eyes on Sophie, she looked so familiar,’ Rani said.
Meena shrugged. ‘You’ve probably seen each other around the neighbourhood.’
‘But that’s the thing, Rani doesn’t live around here.’
‘No, I live quite far.’ Rani said and then she put her hands together. ‘Oh of course, now I know. It’s because I used to work here. I must have seen you then.’
‘You did? When? We haven’t been to this pub in ages.’
‘I worked here six – no, seven years ago,’ Rani said.
Meena scrunched her nose trying to figure out what year that was. ‘I think that must’ve been when we would come here with the playgroup ladies.’
‘Oh yes, remember Alice? Have you heard from her lately?’ Sophie asked.
‘I got a text from her a couple of months ago. She seems to be doing well. Her older two are at uni, can you believe it? She was such a dear woman. Though she has given up on running the playgroup.’
‘About time! She was lovely,’ Sophie said. ‘I think it was here – remember, that night I talked about the lips to breasts to vag pipeline?’
Meena and Sophie burst out laughing.
‘I can still picture her face!’ Meena said. ‘She went red as a tomato.’
Rani politely sipped her Coke as the two friends laughed.
‘Oh sorry, Rani,’ Sophie said. ‘I hope I didn’t shock you with that. I can’t keep saying such things around polite company.’
‘I don’t think you’re going to shock Rani after what she just told me,’ Meena said, as Rani blushed deeply.
‘I wish I hadn’t said anything. It just came out of my mouth!’
‘Now you’re going to have to tell me!’ Sophie said.
‘Rani here used a vibrator for the first time and her husband caught her,’ Meena jumped in.
Rani shut her eyes and shook her head.
‘Oh god. I’m sorry, I should have let you say it,’ Meena said.
‘It’s out in the open now,’ Rani said.
Sophie couldn’t help but laugh.
‘This is the best thing I’ve heard today. Oh, sorry, Rani, I didn’t mean to laugh,’ Sophie said, as Rani burst into tears.
‘Please ignore me, I’m just so tired. I’ve been here all afternoon and I’m not sure if Dan even wants me home.’
‘Why, just because you used a vibrator?’ Meena asked, her voice tinged with outrage.
‘It’s not the done thing in our community,’ Rani replied, having wiped away her tears with a napkin.
Meena had to agree. Sex was taboo in their community. Sometimes it felt like they had to pretend babies magically appeared and had nothing to do with two people doing the dirty.
‘To be honest, a lot of people, no matter where they’re from, are so prudish when it comes to sex. Like, if you’re an adult you’ve most likely done it. What’s the problem?’ Sophie asked.
‘Well, I mean, in our community it is so much worse,’ Meena said. ‘No one talks about sex, let alone about women wanting to satisfy themselves. Women are just there to bear children, don’t you know? They shouldn’t actually be enjoying themselves while doing the deed.’
‘It’s the case in all communities,’ Sophie said. ‘Female sexuality is so undermined.’
Meena gave her a look and Sophie understood what it meant immediately.
‘My white privilege is talking again, isn’t it?’ she said.
‘It’s just that you have no idea how bad it is for us,’ Meena said, nodding at Rani.
Rani furrowed her brow. ‘No, I understand where Sophie is coming from. I don’t like it when we have to separate ourselves because of our backgrounds. So much of the suffering women go through is universal. If we understand it’s all women, not just some women, maybe we can change things?’
Sophie smiled broadly at that. She flushed pink and reached out and squeezed Rani’s hand. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘You said it far more eloquently than I could.’
The gesture annoyed Meena and she wondered if asking Rani to join them had been a bad idea. She took a big sip of wine in order to bite her tongue. She’d felt this with her relatives, the people she had mentioned to Sophie who worked at petrol stations or supermarkets. When she had met up with them (a while ago, admittedly) she saw that they weren’t so worried about people asking ‘Where are you from?’, white feminism and representation. They were too busy trying to make a living. But it meant that many of the issues second-generation immigrants like her got riled up about didn’t seem to bother first-generation immigrants as much. In the Maslow hierarchy of needs, they were still too busy battling the basic stuff to worry about impractical and idealistic things.
‘You should tell your husband that women deserve to feel pleasure too,’ Sophie was now telling Rani. Meena took another big sip. How had she not noticed before that Sophie liked telling people what they ‘should’ be doing? Meena ‘should’ be working. Rani ‘should’ tell her husband what she wants. Or was it only women like her and Rani who Sophie said those sorts of things to? As soon as she thought this, she tried to shrug it off. Her friend, she hoped, was better than that.
‘Rani doesn’t need to do anything that she isn’t comfortable with. We don’t know what kind of man her husband is,’ Meena said, taking on a more authoritative tone.
‘No, please don’t misunderstand,’ Rani said. ‘Dan isn’t a bad man. He’s never acted like he would hurt me.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ Meena said.
‘There are so many people who think badly about men from our community. Though I’m not sure I should say our community, because of course you and I are so different,’ Rani said.
‘How can you tell?’ Meena asked, feeling her face getting hot. Even though Rani was saying something she herself had been thinking a few minutes earlier.
‘I don’t mean it in a bad way. Just that I come from a very different part of the city to you both. I worked around here, I saw the people who came to this pub. It’s very different here compared to where I live. I don’t know if people here notice, but everyone who serves you – the shop assistants, the waitstaff, the cleaners, the women in the nail salon, all these people – after they finish work, they travel far away to their home. And most of you don’t even know what those suburbs look like. You have no idea the hardships we are going through.’ Rani stopped talking and took a deep breath. ‘Oh god, I don’t know what’s come over me. You’ve been so kind and I’m talking my mouth off.’
‘No, that’s wonderful, Rani. I think it’s good for all of us to acknowledge our privilege in whatever form,’ Sophie said, quickly glancing at Meena before looking away.
The evening was getting away from Meena. She wished she could go back in time and uninvite Rani. She even wondered for a moment if she could ask her if she minded going back to her table. But she took one look at the vulnerable woman beside her and decided there was no way she was going to do that. All she could do was accept the evening for what it was and go with it.
‘Have you called him?’ Meena asked. ‘I’m sure he’s worried about you. What time did you leave home?’
‘Around midday,’ Rani said.
‘It’s almost six now. Would he be worried?’
‘I texted him before. I asked him if he had prepared dinner for Ali and all he said was yes. He didn’t even ask where I was or when I would be back. I don’t think he cares.’
‘Sorry, please correct me, but I don’t see the big deal around what you did. So you used a vibrator. No matter where you come from, we’re all still living in Australia, right?’ Sophie asked as she looked around. ‘I mean, I’m sure you have a vibrator at home, Meena. And now that I think about it, I can’t believe I don’t know the answer to that.’
Meena didn’t answer.
‘Are you kidding? Meena Jones, the woman who is going through a sex drought, doesn’t have a vibrator?’
‘I just use my fingers,’ Meena said. ‘I prefer it. Why, do you have a big vibrator collection?’
‘Not a big one! But I have a clitoral stimulation device and a separate vibrator that’s more for, you know, when I want penetration,’ Sophie said.
Rani turned red.
‘There’s nothing wrong with pleasing yourself, ladies! I’ll tell you something, my mother and I never really talked much but one thing she was not was a prude. She never told me to save myself for the one or to not have fun while I was young. She didn’t tell me to be a slut either, although before I left for college she did give me a jumbo-sized pack of condoms. I was so shocked and she acted all casual and said, “Don’t use it all in the one night.” Can you believe it?’ The women started to laugh. ‘Oh, and then there was the time I was staying home for the weekend. I was doing that internship at the finance company and, well, I needed to relax, so I brought my rabbit with me. Anyway, I used it during the night and forgot that I’d left it in my bed. That afternoon when I came back from my run my mum had actually taken it out of my bed, cleaned it and placed it on a freaking doily on the bedside table. I shrieked when I saw what she’d done. Never spoke to her about it, of course.’
The women fell into easy conversation. Before long they were ordering the safe choice of the chicken schnitzel. Rani had confirmed it was probably the best thing on the menu to order, as she herself wasn’t convinced by the hygiene standards in the kitchen. Sophie and Meena begged her to not say anything more.
As it drew closer to 9 p.m., Sophie made moves to leave. ‘I should go. Todd’s busy at work and it wouldn’t have been easy for him to put the kids to bed on his own. He’ll probably have meetings overnight with the US, too.’
‘I should probably go too,’ Rani said, getting up.
‘Can I call you an Uber?’ Sophie asked.
‘Oh no, it’ll be too expensive,’ Rani said, shaking her head. ‘I’ll just take the train as usual.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ Sophie said. ‘I use Todd’s business account. He won’t even notice. Give me your address.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘A hundred per cent. And I want you to give me your number so I know you’re safe when you get home.’
Not for the first time, Meena thought, the people around her were better than she was. She wouldn’t have thought to do what Sophie was doing for this woman who they’d just met. And she knew, because they had discussed it, how Sophie’s Uber account wasn’t linked to Todd’s business. She had asked him to do it and he had said no. That’s the kind of honest guy he was, and Sophie respected him for it.
They made their way out of the pub and, after they had secured Rani safely in an Uber, making her promise she would text them as soon as she got home, Meena had her chance to speak to Sophie.
‘I’ve been wanting to talk to you all night about something,’ Meena said. There was a slight chill in the air and Sophie wrapped her arms tightly around her linen blazer.
‘What? Anything wrong?’
‘No, nothing wrong as such. It’s just that I’ve decided to have an affair.’
Sophie’s mouth dropped open. ‘Are you kidding? You’re telling me this now? Just as we’re about to head home?’
‘I mean, it’s not like I could have said something in front of Rani. I wanted to discuss it with you.’
‘Who is it?’
‘Oh, there isn’t anyone.’
Sophie’s eyes closed halfway. ‘Meena, what the hell? What are you even talking about?’
‘I’m just saying, you told me to take matters into my own hands, so I am. If Owen won’t change, if he won’t have sex with me, well, then I’ll find someone else who will. I’m still relatively attractive.’
‘Meena, when I said to take charge, I meant go see a relationship counsellor. Go talk to someone. Hell, just go on a date, just you and Owen, and talk with each other. Neither of you are discussing the elephant in the room.’
‘You don’t think I’ve tried to talk? I’ve tried. A lot! He doesn’t want to. So I say, fuck him. If he wants to act uninterested I’ll find someone interested.’
‘Oh yes, and how are you going to do that?’
‘I don’t know. How do people do it? Maybe I’ll go to a bar. Maybe I’ll get on the apps. Maybe I’ll go to the bank again. There’s a guy who works there who always stares at my tits.’
‘Meena! Listen to you!’ Sophie laughed. She pulled out her phone and ordered another Uber for herself. ‘I’m tired and I’m going home. We’ll talk about this another night, but let’s just say, it’s not one of your best ideas.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you can’t just have an affair. You need to sort your marriage out first. And if, after talking it through, you both decide that your marriage is not worth saving then maybe we can chat about you finding someone else. Till then, sort your shit out. Don’t pretend you can just sweep it all under the rug.’
This was not the sort of response Meena was hoping for. She’d thought Sophie would be more encouraging. Wasn’t she just talking about female sexuality and how women needed to prioritise their own pleasure? She was about to say something when the Uber pulled up.
‘Go home, Meena. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,’ Sophie said, as she got inside.
Meena watched the car drive away. After nine in their suburb it was usually dead. Good suburban families were tucked up at home, watching their favourite TV shows, or perhaps already in bed ready to wake up early for their 5 a.m. workout. The night felt like it was closing in around her. There was a dampness in the air. Rain, perhaps. She could feel the moisture every time she breathed. She was wearing her sensible boots. Home wasn’t too far; she would walk it.
As she made her way down the street, with barely a car driving past, she thought about her nights going home from the various parties and bars she went to with her friends in London. It was never this quiet when she walked home, though quiet enough for her to worry about being pounced upon by a serial killer, which was why she always carried her keys between her fingers. Now she thought about it, what would the keys have done? Any killer would’ve just slapped them out of her hands.
Owen never worried about her or checked in on the rare occasions she went out late. He assumed she would be fine. Everyone assumed that, because she gave off the attitude that she was strong and tough and didn’t need anyone. Perhaps that had been her mistake, making people believe that was who she was – instead of someone who was constantly overthinking, wondering if she had said or done the wrong thing, and feeling deep down that yes, she always had.
Meena hugged herself and kept walking. It was silly of her to tell Sophie about her desire to have an affair. Maybe it was silly for her to even think such thoughts. She had forgotten what it was like to be desirable to a man and no, the teller at the bank who barely knew her didn’t count. Everyone could see it, much like she could whenever she looked in the mirror. Her parents saw it all those years ago. There was something about her that made people want to leave her.
Interrupt those negative thoughts , she’d read on an Instagram post by a popular psychologist she followed. And so she did, whenever she found herself spiralling.
‘What’s happened has happened,’ her father liked to say. He said it often, especially after he and the family came back from their time living in Dubai. It was initially meant to be a year-long research fellowship so he could complete his PhD in economic management, but it ended up going for two-and-a-half years: a long time for a five-year-old. Long enough for it to change her in ways she was still coming to terms with. Everyone else had gone with him: her mother, her sister, everyone but her. She was too young, they had explained. It was easier to leave her behind in Sydney under her aunt’s care and also, as was often repeated to her: So she didn’t have her schooling disturbed. After she grew older she wondered, didn’t they care about Asma’s schooling too? She was, after all, only two years older than Meena. She’d asked her mother once and learnt that actually it wasn’t so much about the schooling, the money offered by the fellowship wasn’t enough to provide for a family of four. And they couldn’t leave both of them with Meena’s aunt.
Maybe it was true that her parents left her as a five-year-old child for practical reasons and maybe it even made sense to take the older, more responsible, sibling with them. Meena shook her head. No matter how much she tried to rationalise it, she could not. Her aunt had had her own children to look after and with the pointed asides about the amount of food she was costing them, Meena had never felt like she was welcome there. In the hospital after her emergency appendectomy, she’d felt abandoned by those who were meant to care for her. But the scar that hurt the most was her parents’ abandonment, which, no matter how much she tried, she could not heal.
A dull ache resounded inside of her. When such thoughts came to the forefront of her mind they pulled her into a funk. And she knew those funks would sometimes spiral and lead her into a darkness she found hard to crawl out of. The Instagram psychologist had said: Don’t buy into the stories your brain tells you about yourself. Those stories were lies. But what if they weren’t lies? What if your brain told you the truth?
By the time she arrived at her street, a light drizzle had started. Owen had left the porch light on, which heartened her a little. It was a sign, however small, that he cared. As she hunted inside her bag for her keys, she thought perhaps what she should have told Sophie wasn’t so much that she wanted to have an affair, it was that she wanted to be desired. Because deep down, her ugly thoughts made her believe that no one could ever want her.
She stepped inside their house and pulled off her jacket, hanging it on the back of a chair to dry. From the living room she could hear the commentary of a cricket match loudly blaring.
Owen didn’t look up when she came into the room.
‘Hi,’ she said. ‘Did Sasha go to sleep okay?’
‘Yeah, course she did,’ Owen said, his eyes glued to the screen.
‘Did you guys get dinner after the movie?’
‘We came home and I made her spaghetti. I can manage perfectly well without you around, you know.’
That annoyed her. She walked up to the couch, picked up the remote and turned off the TV.
‘Hey! I was watching that!’
‘Yeah, well I was talking to you.’
‘I answered back, didn’t I? She’s asleep, we ate. What more do you want?’
‘For you to not be a complete arsehole all the time.’
He sighed. ‘You usually come home from the pub in a better mood. What happened?’
‘Like you care!’
‘Okay, fine, I don’t care. Give me back the remote.’
‘No.’
She took the remote and put it behind her.
‘Don’t.’
‘Or what?’ she asked, moving away from him.
He got up off the couch and came towards her. She couldn’t read his expression. A part of him looked annoyed that she was doing this, but there was also a glint in his eyes; a glint that she remembered from their London days.
‘Come and get it,’ she said, smiling.
He took two steps and he was right in her face. His breath smelled of spaghetti and beer. She put her arms behind her body, the remote gripped in her hands. He tried to reach behind her, but she wouldn’t let him take it.
‘Stop playing,’ he said, grabbing her arms.
‘Why not? Games can be fun,’ she said. He pushed her towards the wall, her back pressing into the concrete.
The remote dropped from her hands. He didn’t bend down to pick it up. Instead he pushed himself against her, pressing his mouth onto hers.
Meena tried to get into the kiss but he was being rough, his teeth scraping against the sides of her mouth. Before she knew what was happening he was loosening his belt and pulling down his jeans. He turned her around and hoisted up her skirt. She barely had time to rest her face against the cool of the wall before she felt him enter her.
‘This okay?’ he asked, releasing a soft grunt.
She made a noise to indicate it was, even though it was all happening so fast she barely had time to get into it.
It was almost mechanical, the way he fucked her. She tried to find some pleasure in it, but the longer he went on, the more she concluded there was no liking this. Was this robotic, perfunctory pounding what she had been wanting from him for so long? He used to be able to light her world on fire with just a few moves, and now it seemed he had fallen into the middle-aged trap of fucking in the most lacklustre way. So much so that she was almost bored by it. Mercifully, it didn’t take him long to come. Afterwards he pulled out and collapsed onto the floor.
Meena didn’t know what to do. She stood there for a moment, her face still pressed against the wall, breathing hard against it.
She turned around, pulled up her underpants and pushed down her skirt. Owen was sitting on the ground with his jeans around his ankles, arms resting on his knees.
Ever heard of foreplay? she wanted to ask, but there was something about his mood that would not have responded well to light-heartedness. Maybe she was trying to be light-hearted for her own sake. Something between them had shifted and she wasn’t sure what.
He looked straight ahead, not meeting Meena’s eyes. She headed to the bathroom. Only then did she notice her knees trembling.