18. 2
‘Would you like a drink? Sorry, we ordered already,’ Sophie said.
‘Though we’re drinking mocktails, not the fun stuff. Soph and I made a pact to reduce our alcohol intake. But you don’t drink anyway, right?’ Meena said.
‘Right,’ Rani said. She picked up the menu and tried not to look alarmed at the prices. Would it be bad to say she would just stick to water?
‘Oh, and I should say from the start, this meal is on Todd. Since he’s making me move somewhere that’s nowhere near a beach or, y’know, anywhere near civilisation, then he’s going to have to fund all my outings while I’m still here.’
‘Oh god, every time you bring up the move my heart sinks,’ Meena said looking downcast.
‘Nope, you can’t be sad every time I bring it up because it makes me sad in return. And the last thing we need is to be sad when the weather is so lovely and the view this stunning.’ Sophie gestured to a passing waiter. ‘I suggest the Guava Sunrise,’ she said, looking over at Rani.
‘That sounds great,’ Rani said.
‘Also, can we be real and say there’s plenty of civilisation where you’re moving,’ Meena said.
‘Yeah, I hear there’s a whole shopping centre in town which is, you know, a thirty-minute drive away from where we’ll be staying.’
‘Wonder if it has a shop where the owner curates a wardrobe from the catwalks of Europe,’ Meena said sardonically.
Sophie laughed. ‘Actually, Todd told me how there’s a growing list of small artisan businesses that are popping up out there. And funnily enough, he mentioned a woman who has started a shop selling ethically sourced fashion from Brazil.’
‘Uh, you know Farm Rio is my favourite fashion label. You think she stocks it?’
‘Well, you’re going to have to come over and check it out,’ Sophie said smiling.
As the women spoke, Rani looked over at the water again, captivated by the sight. Her hands subconsciously fell around her stomach, cradling it. There must be a contentment from being wealthy, she thought. Everyone around her looked so at ease. When she turned back to the women, she found Sophie giving her a curious look.
‘How has Ali settled into preschool?’ she asked.
‘The first day I dropped him he didn’t even turn around to say goodbye,’ Rani said. ‘I’m not sure how to take that.’
‘Take it as a compliment. He’s so secure in his attachment to you that he knows he doesn’t have to worry when he says goodbye. He knows you will be there to pick him up at the end of the day.’
‘Since when did you become a child psychologist?’ Meena asked as she took another sip of her mocktail. ‘I gotta say, this stuff doesn’t cut it. I want a proper drink, not something from a juice bar.’
‘Well, order one then!’ Sophie said.
‘No way am I going to drink on my own!’
Sophie gestured at the waiter again. ‘Could we please get a bottle of your best sparkling,’ she said. The man nodded and walked off.
‘Okay, so our no alcohol pact lasted a whole one hour, would you say?’ Meena said smiling.
‘Well, we did reduce our alcohol intake. One sip of juice and one sip of sparkling should do it,’ Sophie said. ‘Anyway, I can be a prude when I’m living in the country and am the poster child for clean living.’
‘Don’t you dare! If you start spouting the benefits of kale at me then we can no longer be friends.’
‘Hey, I might even become one of those people who give up coffee for fun.’
Meena shot her a deathly look and the two of them burst out laughing.
Rani watched them in wonder. What would it be like to have a friend this close? And as soon as she asked that she admonished herself. She’d had a friend this close. And even though she wasn’t around physically, her friend was still there. Rani felt her presence each and every day. She wished she and Priya had taken more trips together to places like this. Or maybe Priya did and she didn’t tell Rani. Actually, Rani thought, Priya would definitely have come to a place like this. Maybe even this place, with a wealthy man who wanted a good-looking young woman by his side to show off like an expensive car or the fancy watch on his wrist. Priya would have been another possession.
‘You’re quiet,’ Sophie said, looking over at Rani again.
‘Sorry, there’s been a lot on my mind,’ Rani said.
‘Well, feel free to tell us. We’re all friends here.’
Rani shrugged. She felt her hands lightly gripping the sides of her stomach.
‘You know, I thought about what you texted me last week.’ Sophie pulled out her phone and scrolled through Rani’s texts. ‘You said: “Would you have another baby if you got pregnant?”’ And I thought you meant would I get pregnant again? But that’s not what you were asking at all. You were asking if I would have the baby if I somehow got pregnant without meaning to.’
‘So you want another baby?’ Rani asked. ‘Because you didn’t hesitate in saying yes.’
Sophie blushed.
Meena noticed the look. ‘Are you fucking kidding me? You’d have another one? You who said having two almost killed you?’
‘This is all hypothetical, I think. And anyway, as Rani would tell you I straightened it out by reminding myself and Rani it was just the bloody hormones talking and to not let them trick you into being broody.’
‘Goddamn, where is that wine? This conversation is freaking me out!’ Meena said.
‘Anyway, all I’m saying is I think I misread what you were asking. I think if I found out I was pregnant out of the blue, like it was a surprise, I’d probably be questioning if I could do it. If I could have another one. It seems a natural thing to ask yourself because as mothers we know what we are about to get into.’
Meena looked at the two of them, confused. ‘What am I missing?’ she asked.
Sophie looked over at Rani. It was impossible for Rani to maintain her composure any longer. Her face crumpled into tears. Just then the waiter arrived with the sparkling. ‘Drinks all round?’ he asked, popping the cork.
A few minutes later Rani composed herself as Meena and Sophie fussed over her with tissues and glasses of water. Rani appreciated their concern but she wished they would stop. ‘Please,’ she said, wiping away the tears. ‘Have your drinks.’
The women hesitated before settling down with glasses in hand.
‘Yes, I found out I’m pregnant. And no, I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. Though last week my doctor told me that time was running out and I had to make a decision if I wanted to, you know ...’ She couldn’t bring herself to say the words.
‘Is it Dan? Doesn’t he want another baby?’ Sophie asked.
Meena took a big swig of her wine. ‘Don’t you dare let him dictate what you do with your body. I wish I hadn’t.’
Sophie turned to look at Meena. ‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Nothing, just that I always wanted a second, but Owen told me in no uncertain terms that he couldn’t bear the thought of having another child with me.’
‘Oh, Meena, why didn’t you tell me?’ Sophie said as she reached over to give Meena a hug.
Meena blinked away a few tears. ‘Ah, fuck him. What’s happened has happened. I’ve spent too long crying over the past.’
‘I think I live in the past,’ Rani said. ‘I’m here physically but my mind is somewhere else. Not here.’
‘But what’s the point? The past no longer serves us,’ Meena said.
‘It doesn’t. All this time I thought if I hadn’t been so stubborn about having a child my first husband Tariq would still be with me. It was why, even though I was happy having Ali and I love him so much, a part of me thought, is this what you gave up your life with your true love for? This boy?’ Rani burst into fresh tears. ‘What a terrible thing to say! What sort of mother would say that? You see, how can I have another one?’
Sophie got off her chair and came over to Rani, wrapping her in a hug. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered into her shoulder.
‘There’s no right way to be a mother. I think we need to shout that from the mountain tops,’ Meena said, sipping her wine. ‘We are complex, each one of us, and we have pasts and ambitions and all sorts of experiences. And yet we are meant to act in a certain way when we become mothers. That pressure is killing us.’
‘I’m okay,’ Rani whispered to Sophie, who moved back into her seat.
‘Anyway, I found out last week that everything that happened, did for a reason,’ she continued. ‘My first husband, the man I always thought of as my true love, broke up with me because he absolutely refused to be a father. And then I found out he is now a happily married father of two! The man broke my heart and my world in half! He was my soulmate.’
‘The bastard,’ Meena muttered.
Rani took a big sip of her juice. She closed her eyes and lost herself in the flavours of the liquid in her mouth. There was guava and pineapple and maybe a hint of orange juice in there. This was how she pulled herself out of an emotional spiral – she focused intensely on something in the present – a sound, a smell and, this time, a taste.
When she opened her eyes she noticed the women looking off at the water, silent in their thoughts.
‘Maybe it was me,’ Rani finally said. ‘He didn’t want children with me.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Meena said firmly. ‘As someone who has always blamed herself, trust me when I say it wasn’t about you.’
‘Then what?’ Rani asked.
Meena shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Who knows what men think? But his decisions are all on him. Also men change, just like women do. Maybe in his twenties he didn’t want kids but later he wanted them? Or maybe he realised what he once thought was ridiculous. Were you tempted to message him?’
The thought made Rani shudder. What would she say to Tariq now after everything that had happened? ‘It would be like contacting a stranger,’ she said. ‘So, no.’
Sophie hesitated before she asked. ‘So, what are you going to do about it?’
The question made Rani catch her breath again. She felt another surge of tears about to explode all over her face. Before they could, she took another big gulp of juice.
‘I’m sorry I asked,’ Sophie said, shaking her head. ‘Seriously, what was I thinking?’
The group fell into silence as Rani composed herself by taking deep breaths and looking out at the ocean. No matter what happened in people’s lives the world continued to turn, the waves continued to crash on the sand and the sun continued to rise. Every human liked to think they were the centre of the universe but they were nothing in the bigger scheme of things, smaller than even a singular grain of sand on the beach.
‘We should eat,’ Sophie finally suggested. ‘I say we go all out and get the banquet menu because the last thing we need is to make more choices.’
For some reason that made Rani laugh. When she did, the other two laughed as well.
‘Oh god, I didn’t realise how that sounded! Sorry!’ Sophie said shaking her head.
‘No, thank you. I needed that,’ Rani said, laughing.
The topic turned to Sophie’s upcoming move and the hassle she was having finding the right removalists. Meena, meanwhile, was having her own hassles with the administrative side of starting a business. She spoke about getting a business bank account and an accountant who could set her up so she could get various tax benefits and then Sophie mentioned Sasha, and it became apparent to Rani the real hassle in Meena’s life was the issues she was facing with Owen.
‘He still speaking about moving to London?’ Sophie asked.
‘He seems to have forgotten how unhappy he was there. He’s suddenly nostalgic about being with his family, even though he hates his father!’
‘You need to sort out the custody side of things in writing,’ Sophie said. ‘Even though he can’t take Sasha away from you without your explicit consent.’
‘I know,’ Meena said, letting out a big sigh. ‘But what about what she wants? She’s so close to Owen. She even said it would be nice to visit his side of the family.’
As she listened to her speak, Rani admonished herself for having a preconceived idea about Meena. She was clearly dealing with a lot and seemed in many ways as overwhelmed as Rani felt.
‘I know I sound like a stuck record but you need to speak to someone, and I don’t just mean a lawyer,’ Sophie said. ‘This is affecting your mental and emotional wellbeing.’ Rani heard a tiredness creeping into Sophie’s voice.
Meena averted her eyes and continued to sip on her glass of wine.
‘I understand how you feel,’ Rani said. ‘“You should speak to someone. You should call this hotline. You should find a counsellor.” I’ve also heard it all before. But don’t people know how exhausting that sounds? You need to do all that work just to find someone and then you need to bare yourself to a stranger, to be vulnerable and bring down the defences which you’ve relied upon to protect yourself all this time?’
Meena reached over and grabbed Rani’s hand, gently squeezing it before letting go.
‘We’re the same, you and me,’ Rani said to Meena. ‘No matter how long we have been in this country we’ve been conditioned down the generations to not speak out loud about our problems. To bury them and hope they go away. But maybe that’s ruining us.’
Meena looked away at the ocean. Rani could see she was trying to blink away some tears.
The waiter arrived carrying plates of appetisers. The three women tucked into sourdough bread and dips and zucchini flowers filled with creamy ricotta – a first for Rani and she promised herself it wouldn’t be the last.
‘How’s Owen liking the bachelor pad?’ Sophie asked, changing the topic.
‘I think he’s the happiest he’s been in years.’
‘And you? How’ve you found it without him?’
‘To be honest, I haven’t noticed his absence. Only difference is at night the TV no longer blares sport and I have the remote control.’
‘And Sasha?’
Here Meena was silent. ‘She misses her dad, of course. He comes over to see her every few days and takes her out. But it’s not enough. She says she wants to go spend the night at his.’
Rani watched the interaction between the two friends and it occurred to her maybe Meena didn’t want to get a therapist because Sophie did such a good job of acting like one.
As if hearing her thoughts, Meena said just then, ‘You may be my BFF but you don’t also have to be my therapist.’ She laughed lightly and took a sip of wine.
More food arrived, this time grilled scallops, shelled prawns and a big platter of creamy pasta. The restaurant speakers played what Meena described as Balaeric beats. ‘Takes me back to Ibiza, post-hangover, the sun is setting, a beer in my hand,’ she closed her eyes and briefly swooned at the thought.
‘Shall we go back one day?’ Sophie asked. Meena’s eyes flung open. ‘Uh, yes! We’ll have to take the country bumpkin out of you somehow, and that’s probably the best way.’
She turned to Rani. ‘You should come too!’
Rani smiled. She couldn’t imagine it. The only place she wanted to be was in India. In her parents’ home, listening to her mother humming an old Bollywood song as she rolled out rotis, while her father read a newspaper, its pages rustling every time he turned one.
Rani’s hands moved to her belly. The other women noticed the gesture but held back on saying anything.
‘I think I’m going to have it,’ Rani said. Saying the words out loud was like a pressure valve being released. Relief flooded through her.
Sophie clapped. Meena raised her glass and shouted, ‘Cheers!’
Rani laughed, her cheeks flushed. It felt good to have made the decision. Although perhaps she had already decided from the moment the pregnancy test declared it was positive. This time, though, she would do things differently. Spending time with the women had shown her she couldn’t do this alone. She needed a village around her. Her village. And while she appreciated the burgeoning relationship she had with Meena and Sophie, she also knew it was time she went back home.
That night Dan noticed Rani’s happy mood, which seemed to impact his. He helped her clear the table and offered to bathe Ali and put him to bed. Rani was pleased to have the help. She would mention that he would need to do more of this in the future. And then she would tell him they were expecting another baby and that rather than have the baby in Australia, she wanted to have it in India. They could afford a private hospital there and she would have her family around if things went awry like they did last time.
But when Rani stepped out of the bathroom, having brushed her teeth and washed her face, even though a part of her didn’t want to rinse away the residue of salty water that had sunk into her pores, she found Dan in an unexpected position on the bed. He was naked and in his hands he held a pink vibrator. The same vibrator that Priya had once given her. She couldn’t hide the surprise on her face.
‘Lie down,’ he said. His voice came out husky and deep. It did something to her and she unquestioningly got into bed beside him. In one swift movement he pulled off the t-shirt she wore and then tugged at her pyjama bottoms. She bit her lip. She wanted to say so much, but she also knew this was a moment where she needed to keep quiet.
Dan started to kiss a point just below her belly button. Rani closed her eyes, squeezing them resolutely to ward off any errant person or thought from creeping into her mind. All she wanted was to enjoy the feeling of her husband’s tongue on her stomach. She felt him move lower as he pulled her pyjamas off completely. The next thing she heard was a buzzing sound from the vibrator turning on. When she opened her eyes Dan was looking at her a bit helplessly.
‘I think you’ll need to guide me,’ he said. Rani smiled. She reached over and grabbed one of his hands, her fingers entwining with his. With the other hand she guided him as he held the vibrator at the opening of her vagina. ‘Stay there for a bit. Don’t enter just yet,’ she said. And then she closed her eyes.
As it turned out, Dan didn’t need further instructions.
That night they had the best sex of their marriage, where no past lovers entered her mind and no dead friends said a word. She wanted to believe that could be the start of a new era of her relationship with Dan, but she also knew that hope had a way of laughing in her face when things inevitably did go wrong. She took a deep breath and turned towards her husband, asleep beside her. Just as she did, she noticed a shadow move in the corner of her room. Priya? she asked inside her head. There was no response.
She felt something shift. Maybe it’s okay to hope? The words came out of nowhere, but they didn’t sound like Priya’s. Rani lay on her back and considered what they meant. Like the good friend she was, maybe Priya was trying to say that even if she didn’t reach out with actual words, she was always going to be there. Or that maybe Rani didn’t need her as much anymore. That perhaps she could reach out to those around her when she needed help.
‘Hey,’ Dan said. ‘You’re crying.’ He was awake now and touching the side of her face. When she turned to look at him, concern was written all over his face.
‘I’ve got news,’ Rani said. ‘Very good news.’ And she smiled, a big happy smile and even though he didn’t know why, he smiled back.