Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ophelia
The only thing better than riding Sapphire at sunrise was being beneath the stars, me and her. I got both, taking her out as inky sky faded into lilac, the moon making room for the sun. Even then, the hollowness within my chest lingered.
In the few hours I’d sat on the bathroom floor, I’d begun to sink into a bad place. A darkness that rivaled when Malakai first left. Shadows infringed on me, grasping for every spark of life I held on to.
It was familiar and comfortable to resort to that darkness—but I forced myself out of it. I’d spent years there. I didn’t want to go backward.
The decision wasn’t all bad. There was the satisfaction of knowing I’d made the right choice for myself, despite how deeply I already missed him.
Missed the ease we used to have. The way his scent used to cling to my things after a day together in Palerman, the way he whispered my name in a crowd and I always knew where to look, the light in his eyes when he saw me.
I missed having my world revolve around my North Star.
We’ve changed, I reminded myself. It was done.
And though I missed what we had, I think a part of me had been preparing for this for a while. Knew it was inevitable with our trajectory. And that made the sting hurt a little less. Made it easier to see a light on the horizon.
Not everything was meant to last forever.
That was what I would remind myself as Sapphire galloped steadily beneath me.
I’d have to discover the personal motivation within me that got me out of bed each day, that my world revolved around now.
I was not foolish enough to think it would be easy—not with the echo of Malakai’s footsteps that had walked beside mine our entire lives. I could do it, though.
Reclaim my future, my life.
I wouldn’t think about the Bind or how we could even separate those threads of connected soul. Not yet, anyway.
Sapphire crested a rise in the mountains that was perhaps my favorite view, at the southwest of Damenal with a valley behind us, leading away from the city.
Cyphers, oaks, and brush decorated the mountainside.
If we kept west, we’d find our way into the Starsearchers lush territory.
Or if we cut south, we could explore the desert climates of the Soulguiders.
And beyond that, the frigid Mindshapers’ land wrapped around the base of the mountains.
We could go anywhere. Just me and my warrior horse. Disappear into the dawn, taking the pieces of my shattered heart to sort through, avoid all of the destruction awaiting me, hide from the heartbreak and warfare and political schemes, the curses and prophecies and bloodstained futures.
I could rid myself of it all.
A breeze stirred my hair. I turned my face toward it, the subtle aroma of wildflowers wrapping around me, soothing me.
It was a ridiculous thought, as nice as it would be. There would be no running. Not from this. I had hidden from my pain for too long, building up a wall of aggression and snapping at any who tried to knock it down.
I had sworn to myself I would never do that again.
This time, I would collect the shards of myself and build them into something more beautiful than before.
Maybe one day, I would give it away again to someone who truly saw me for all my wrecked pieces.
Someone who loved the woman I’d become rather than the girl I used to be.
But first, I’d learn it as I never had. Understand the hollows and what it took to fill them. Love it as I never knew to.
I would not be broken forever.
“We’ll be okay, girl,” I whispered to Sapphire, leaning forward to pat her. “We’ll find our way.”
A tear splashed to her mane. I hadn’t even realized I’d been crying, but they dripped one by one from my cheeks as we watched the sun rise fully over the city atop the peaks. Listening to the breeze stirring the grass and the birds calling to their mates, I found a bit of peace within myself.
That sense of understanding threading between me and Sapphire echoed with her reassurance. It’s already okay, she seemed to say. It didn’t mean I didn’t hurt, it didn’t mean Malakai and I breaking up was easy, but she was right.
So like I’d been needing to, like I’d been avoiding, I released all of those strings of my relationship with Malakai and finally breathed.
One big gulp of air that felt unnatural without his scent in it but that whispered against the space left behind, instilling life into it.
It was what everyone had hoped would happen when he disappeared.
That air would be enough for me to survive on when his life had become my own.
It hadn’t. It wouldn’t ever have because every one of my breaths at that point had been for him.
Now, they were for me.
We didn’t run away, but we stayed out for hours longer than I’d planned.
With Renaiss celebrations lasting all night for those whose relationship wasn’t crumbling before their eyes, everyone would be in bed until midday.
I snuck Sapphire back to the stables and continued through the garden to the palace, scampering up the stairs, thoughts on the heat of the bath I was going to run in solitude.
Where was Malakai? My gut twisted at the chance he would be in our room. We would no longer share it, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted it as my own anymore. It had only ever been ours.
“Good morning, Ophelia.”
I froze on the top stair, hand curling on the railing. “It’s afternoon, Tolek,” I said without turning. My heart thundered in my chest.
“That it is, yet everyone seems to be sleeping. Where are you coming from?”
I drummed my fingers on the banister. “A ride.” I couldn’t turn—he’d know from one look at me that something was wrong.
“Lovely day for it.” Confusion was clear in his voice.
“It was,” I whispered. He was likely only waking, had probably just walked out whatever guests had spent the night in his suite, or maybe he was coming home from wherever he’d been. I didn’t want to know.
His steps rang out on the marble stairs, slow and daunting, until he stopped before me. Nerves fluttered in my stomach. My fingers continued their steady drumming, and I kept my stare on them.
Then, Tolek slid a finger beneath my chin and—gently enough that I could have stopped him should I have wanted to—lifted my gaze to his. He searched my face, taking in the red-rimmed eyes, the shadows framing them.
I bit my bottom lip, waiting for his questions.
“Tea?” he asked.
My heartbeat calmed. “Yes, please.”
Tol held his arm out, and as I slipped my hand around it, my frame strengthened. By the time we reached the kitchens, a bit of the tightness within me had eased.
“Are you sure no one will care that we’re in here?” I asked. Mystlight flared to life above us, illuminating sandstone floors and speckled granite countertops. Wide windows stretched across one wall, sunlight filtering through sheer yellow curtains, and a myriad of herbs grew beneath them.
“Ophelia, you are the Revered, did you forget?” Tol swung the pantry open, gathering an assortment of teas. “Besides,” he added, boiling water over the mystlight stove. “I come down here all the time.”
“You do?” I hopped up on the counter, making myself comfortable. As he’d said, this was my palace.
“I don’t sleep well,” Tol explained without looking at me.
“Is that new?” I tried to remember a time when he’d mentioned it before.
His shoulders tensed. “Since we’ve been here,” he clipped, then shook his head. When he continued, his voice had returned to normal. “I come down here for tea or liquor at night. It happened so often, the staff started leaving the damned stuff out for me.”
I was glad he had made himself at home quickly in the palace, even if it was due to insomnia. Tolek fit well here, with the finery and the abundance of friendly faces, the freedoms and possibilities. Damenal was built for warriors like him.
“It’s good to know they’re accommodating.”
“More than.” Tol piled a tray with the pot of tea, two cups, sugar, and a plate of biscuits. He carried it to where I sat and set it beside me, preparing both of our cups. One scoop of sugar in mine, as I preferred, and two in his own.
“Sweet enough?” I quirked a brow.
Tolek made a show of tasting his tea. “No,” he decided, adding one more scoop.
I shook my head, but I was laughing, and I hadn’t expected that out of today. When I tasted my own drink, it was perfect.
“Okay, I made you tea and I even provided biscuits. Now, tell me the reason for the morning ride.”
The smile vanished from my lips, eyes instantly stinging. I looked at the ceiling, the kettle, counted the leaves on the mint plant under the window. Anything to avoid meeting his gaze.
“Malakai and I—umm—” I drew circles around the rim of my cup, the pad of my fingers gathering drops of condensation. Surely Tol could hear my heart pounding. “We broke up.”
“What?” Tolek fumbled his cup, catching it before it crashed to the ground. Hot tea poured over our boots and his pants. “Shit.”
“Here, let me—” I started to scoot off the counter, but he put a hand on my knee, and I froze.
“I’ll deal with that later.” His face was grave, a crease forming between his brows as he searched my eyes. “What happened?”
“Only what’s been happening since he’s been back,” I muttered. With Tolek’s attention on me, moisture gathered in my eyes. He lifted his hand to wipe one rogue tear away as it slipped down my cheek, catching it before it could fully fall.
“I didn’t realize how bad it was,” he whispered.
“I was denying it.” I shrugged. “I think he was, too.”
He leaned against the counter. “And how do you feel about it?”
“I feel…” I chewed my lip. “I feel…not good. But okay. It—it had to happen. We’re not right for each other anymore. Every day that we helped each other avoid our problems, we were only hurting ourselves.”
Tolek considered, folding his hands behind his back. “I’m sorry it turned into that, Ophelia.” The genuine concern deepening his chocolate eyes made the ache in my chest worse, like something was pounding against my sternum.
“It’s not your fault.” I picked up a biscuit and broke it in half.
It tasted like cardboard thanks to the churning in my stomach, but I nibbled on the corner for something to do.
“I’m not sure I know what to do now, though.
How to move forward.” Especially with everything imploding around us.
All of the very real threats I couldn’t ignore.
Tol sighed. “Do you want my honest opinion?”
“Always.”
He swallowed, contemplating. Then, he moved the tray aside and hopped onto the counter beside me.
“Malakai is one of my best friends, but when he left us, you changed. For so long, you fought for him—and that was admirable—but now you need to fight for yourself. There’s only so long that you can fight for a future that doesn’t want to exist. But you’re strong and you deserve to be happy.
I can guarantee he wants that for you, too.
And I’m certain you want it for him. So you move forward like you would any other day.
You wake up each morning and you face it.
You don’t run from it, though. Promise me you won’t run from it.
” He waited for me to nod, desperation burning in his eyes. “If you do that, you’ll be okay.”
Wake up, move forward, find my own path.
He didn’t know I’d already decided to do exactly that. But even having reached that conclusion on my own, Tolek’s confidence bolstered me, like it stacked my bones back together until I could stand straight again.
“You’re sure about that?” I asked. Sometime during his speech, my tears had dried.
“Positive.” He pressed a kiss to my temple. “I don’t lie to you, Ophelia.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder. “Thank you for never lying.”
Tol wrapped his arm around me, and we sat in silence until the tea was gone.