Epilogue
Ophelia
My lips trembled as I looked at Tolek Vincienzo lying in that bed. White sheets tucked around him, gore cleaned away, and bruises fading, but too still. Not his usual vibrant self, coaxing laughs out of me with a mere glance. Color was leached from his hollow cheeks, his lips set in a line.
Smirk, I wanted to yell. To drive one of those infuriatingly charming smiles from his lips that I loved so much, it was imprinted in my mind.
He’d been found beneath the rubble of the building he pushed me away from. Bones on the right side of his body shattered, lungs full of dust, bleeding internally—but still alive.
It had been days of meetings and burials and tears since the Battle of Damenal ended—and he had not woken.
Though I’d spent each night at his bedside watching the moon rise through the high-arched windows lining the infirmary and listening to the steady beat of his heart that became my own lifeline, the hours were long.
Every second was agonizing, waiting for his eyes to open.
“He’ll wake,” Esmond had assured me, the Bodymelder keeping a steady eye on Tol and the remaining patients in the infirmary.
They’d given Tol his own room, separating him from the conscious warriors who alternated between groaning and taunting each other at all hours of the day.
I’d almost told them to move him. To place him with the others in hopes that their jeering would rouse him, but a piece of me had secretly wanted this privacy.
“How can you be sure?” I’d asked, tracing circles on the back of Tol’s hand lightly, almost too scared to touch him.
The entire right side of his body had been spotted with dark purple bruises when they found him.
They were stubborn to vanish, even with the aid of magic. Fresh scars wove through them.
I’d torn my eyes away from Tol and looked to the healer. He didn’t hide his flash of doubt quickly enough. My world tilted at the thought that I might actually lose Tol.
“The same way Vale consults the stars,” Esmond had finally explained. “The way you direct that spear like a limb. It’s my gift.”
I’d sighed but relented, and allowed Esmond to guide me into a chair where I could remain through the night. The extra legion of Bodymelders that arrived with the Seawatchers had stayed to assist in healing, but only Esmond, Lyria, and my brigade of closest friends came in this room.
Esmond had walked toward the door, leaving just me, Tol, and the moonlight casting on his still features.
“Talk to him,” the Bodymelder had advised right before he left. “Let him know you’re here.” The door snicked shut with a sound as hollow as my heart.
I did as he said.
I told Tol of everything that had happened after he shoved me aside, and how angry I was at him for doing it.
I told him of the queen’s ritual and imagined his outrage over her spilling my blood, of the Seawatchers riding valiantly into Damenal and taking out the Engrossian and Mindshaper forces when we were on the verge of death.
“You would have loved it, Vincienzo. The arrows were soaring across the sky. You would have stolen a few for sure, maybe had a chance to learn to use them for once.” I’d stopped as a breath caught in my throat.
“Once you’re better, we’ll learn together.
Maybe take a trip to the Seawatchers’ Western Outposts to train.
Then, I’ll beat you in an archery competition. ”
I’d smiled at the thought of him beaming beside me, taunting remarks and suggestive looks.
That had been days ago.
Tol still hadn’t stirred.
I watched him from the doorway, tracking the rise and fall of his chest. Even from across the room, I could pick out his heartbeat as if it spoke to me.
Still here, it seemed to say. And I was almost furious with him for keeping me waiting, but at least he was alive. His heart still beat.
Fidgeting with my own leathers, straightening the journals I’d left at his bedside, I searched for anything he might want.
There were more books than he’d need when he woke, but in case no one was here when his eyes opened, I wanted him to know he’d been thought of.
Cyph had been polishing the Vincienzo dagger daily, leaving it on the table, and Lyria brought flowers.
Next to me, she was here the most. Whenever I saw her, her eyes were red and guilty.
I wasn’t supposed to come here today—I had only a few minutes to spare between meetings—but I needed his steady presence. I needed to tell him what had been on my mind.
“Hi,” I said, sliding my fingers between his as I had numerous times before. His didn’t tighten back.
Spirits, this was a conversation I didn’t want to have, but I’d been talking to him every day and night, and I’d run out of updates and nonsense to spew.
It was time I got the heavy words off my chest. I took a deep breath and watched the rumpled strands of his hair catch the light, smoothing them out.
“I don’t really know how to begin this. I hope you can hear me, though.” I waited, biting my bottom lip, but he didn’t so much as twitch. “Maybe it’s better that you can’t interrupt me.” I tried to laugh, but the sound was as lifeless as the cavern his injury had opened in my chest.
“You’ve been by my side through more than I could have asked, and you never thought to leave me.
You pushed me when I tried to run, carried me when I couldn’t stand, and somehow always knew the difference between the two, even when I didn’t.
” A tear tracked down my cheek as every warm memory of the two of us cascaded through my mind, our own personal story.
I was not done writing it.
“But beyond that, you’re strong, you’ve got the deepest soul of anyone I’ve ever known, and you’re a damn impressive warrior. I’ve never been more sure of anything than I am of you, Tolek.”
A steadying breath.
“I meant everything that I said to you before the Battle of Damenal. None of it was brought on by the lust of the moment, none of it was influenced by what we were doing—I need you to know that I was not coerced at all. I’d thought about it—you—for weeks, and it was what I wanted. What I want.”
I thought of his hands warm against my body, his lips pressed fervently to mine, so much life poured into those moments. And I didn’t regret any of it. Not a single kiss or touch.
But I’d gotten lost in the passion of us, all the while forgetting the broken pieces of me floating through the world, leaves caught on the wind. Tol was my own gift from the Angels, but his true power was in repairing me. This time, I could not rely on him for that.
It was not fair to either of us.
“It’s you and me, Vincienzo. From here on out, there will be no one else. But…” I inhaled, almost too afraid to finish the speech I’d rehearsed, but waking or sleeping he deserved to know where I stood. He deserved more than half of a person, and I deserved to become whole again.
“I’m not sure what I can give yet. I need to take my time.
To move slowly. I’m not sure what my heart can handle, but…
I’d like to find out with you.” In my memory, his thumb dragged slowly along my hip, his lips pressed softly to my forehead, and I remembered the way my heart stitched back together in his presence.
“You told me no matter what I decided, you’d be here forever. And I decided, Tolek Vincienzo—I want you. So, I need you to wake up.” My voice turned pleading, breaking on sobs timed to his heartbeat. “I need you to come back to me so we can have that infinity you promised.”
My chest seized with the tears trying to break free, each a splinter in my lungs. Tol was lodged there with them, a part of me I would never feel right without. He was woven into my life, my being, nestled between my bones. My infinite tether.
“Please, Tol. Please, you can’t leave me. Life is so much darker without you in it. And you’ve had so much darkness yourself, you deserve to see the light.”
I brushed his hair back from his brow, tangling my fingers in the soft strands. Bending forward, I pressed a firm kiss to his forehead, closed my eyes for a few seconds, and breathed in the spicy citrus scent that was my home.
Then, I left.
But at the door, I turned back one last time and whispered, “Don’t keep me waiting, Vincienzo. Infinitely mine, remember?”