Chapter 13
Thirteen
It continued in that manner for the rest of the week.
I would come a little bit before noon every day, and leave before it got too dark.
Rose refused to speak to me again. I didn’t make much effort either after I saw her mind was made up.
I would come in, say good morning, set the food Maudra sent over on the tray beside her chair, and start cleaning.
It took me the better part of three days to get the kitchen clean.
It appeared that Rose hadn’t taken out the trash in months.
There were trash bags huddled randomly around, and piles of trash that had never made it to a specified bag.
I had to push a few of them out of the way of the door of the refrigerator.
There hadn’t been much food in the refrigerator, but what there was hadn’t been put away properly and seemed to have been in there for years.
In all actuality, it might have been. Most of it was food that was on paper plates covered with plastic wrap.
The majority of the bottoms of the plates had disintegrated, and food had gradually leaked through the wire racks so that there was not an inch of the refrigerator that hadn’t been soiled.
The worst part was trying to clean under the sink. There were piles of trash and rotten food that had fallen out of the trash can or had never actually made it in to begin with. The pipes had leaked, and mildew and mold covered the bottom paneling, which was soft with decay.
I have always hated spiders. They don’t bother me when they are outside; I have often spent a vast amount of time admiring their webs and watching their graceful movements.
As a kid, I would go catch small bugs to place in the webs on our porch.
Seeing a spider inside, however, was a very different story.
They became macabre aliens that would crawl under your skin and slither their way to your head where they would exit from your nose and eye sockets.
Even worse were cockroaches. Just the sight of them made me queasy.
There had been a few of each in the cabinets and corners of the room.
Several cockroaches in the sink. Surprisingly, none had made their way into the refrigerator.
Under the sink was a different matter entirely.
At first I didn’t see anything. I was on my hands and knees; I reached in and picked up the trash can.
After I set it on the floor, I reached in to pick up the trash that had fallen out; I noticed an entire gathering of cockroaches that had been underneath the trash can scampering away in search of cover.
I let out a curse and felt shivers run down my back.
It was then that I felt something on my arm.
I looked down and saw a baby-sized amber cockroach making its way through my arm hair.
I bellowed at the top of my lungs and lurched backward, knocking over the trash can.
The interior contents of the trash can scattered all over the floor, releasing an entire new colony of cockroaches.
A whimper was all that escaped my body. I shuddered and felt my stomach begin to convulse, and I scuttled backward like a crab, on my ass and hands, through the kitchen door.
Rose let out a low, scratchy laugh that sounded more like a dog wheezing.
It was the only sound I’d heard from her all day.
A vision of setting off bug bombs, nailing the door shut with her beloved wooden planks, and casually watching through the window while she asphyxiated in her disgusting recliner flittered through my mind. I didn’t even feel guilty.
I promptly left the house and went to the supermarket and got rubber gloves and bug spray.
I also went back to Maudra’s and took a quick bath.
When I relayed the experience to Jed on the phone that night, he laughed until he couldn’t breathe.
I reminded him how he felt about snakes, but that still didn’t dampen his spirits.
We spoke for over an hour. I began to notice how much I truly missed him.
How much better everything would be if I could curl up beside him and lay my head on his chest as he ran his fingers over my back.
His voice was soft, and I could tell he was nearly asleep.
“You sound different, Brooke. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I was afraid after the first couple of times I talked to you after you got back there that you were reverting back to the timid, self-conscious man you were when we first met.
Don’t get me wrong, you were completely adorable, but you didn’t seem like you were very sure of yourself.
You were sounding like that again. I was getting nervous. ”
For some reason, I couldn’t help feeling irritated.
“What did you expect, Jed? After all that happened in Denver and getting the call from Donnie telling me about Rose, and then moving back to Hell, and not even having you with me. Was I supposed to be cheerful? I didn’t know what was waiting for me back here.
I still don’t. Mom hasn’t exactly been pleasant, but she hasn’t let loose the way I know she is able.
Sure, Maudra, Donnie, and the rest of the Durkes have been wonderful, but I haven’t even seen the rest of the town yet.
Who knows what all they’ve been saying ever since I left? It’s going to be a free-for-all.”
“Sweetie, just because my life revolves around you doesn’t mean everyone else’s does too.” I could hear the smile in his voice. It just pissed me off.
“You’re not from a small town. Don’t try to tell me what it’s like. I grew up here, remember? You wait till you get down here. You’ll be the talk of the town too. We’ll see how you like it.”
Jed was silent on the other end of the line.
I felt a pang of guilt. This was not how I wanted to spend my time talking with Jed.
I had actually been in the mood to get him to talk to me and pretend that we were both in bed together again, and hope I could keep my volume down so Maudra wouldn’t hear.
That idea was definitely out the window now.
His voice was even softer now. “That’s what I mean, sweetie.
Since I’ve known you, I have never heard that sound in your voice, not even when all the stuff went down here before you left.
I’ve heard you angry. Lord knows you’ve been angry with me plenty.
” He took a breath. “But I just don’t recognize what I hear in you now. It scares me.”
The guilt got sharper. I pushed it away. “Don’t start lecturing me, Jedediah. You don’t have the right to. You get to be home, where everything is comfortable and you can go about your life. You’re not here, dealing with all this shit, waiting for the axe to fall.”
His pitch changed now. “I’m not lecturing you, Brooke.
And it’s not all that easy for me here either.
I miss you like crazy. I’m lonely. I’m horny.
I am trying to get the rest of our stuff packed, say good-bye to my students and the faculty, dodge questions about why you left your job, and try to figure out who the man is I talk to every day when I call my husband, because I don’t know him.
” His voice was more intense, but he wasn’t loud. He sounded sad, defeated.
Neither of us spoke. My heart was pounding in my throat.
It ached. It was all I could do to keep the tears from starting.
This wasn’t going to work. Jed would not be able to handle being here.
He wouldn’t be able to handle me being down here.
We should just end it now. I wished I could deny what he was saying, but I couldn’t.
Constantly stressed out. Always nervous.
Getting angrier and angrier. Envisioning my mother’s death. Yeah, I was changing.
Tears were silently running down my face when he spoke again, startling me.
“So, I was looking online today. There’s an opening both in kindergarten and a second grade class in the public school in El Dorado.
There’s also a couple of openings at the Christian school there, but I doubt that would be a good decision.
There is also a position in ethics at Cottey College in Nevada.
It’s only about half an hour from El Dorado, right? ”
I choked out a laugh.
“What?” He sounded a little brighter, maybe encouraged that I was able to laugh.
“It’s not Nevada.” He had said it like you would pronounce the name of the state of the same spelling. “It’s Nevada, a long A.”
“You hicks and your pronunciations of incorrectness.” He chuckled. “That’s another thing; I’ve noticed your accent start to come back already. Did you realize you’ve started to say ‘worsh’ and ‘El Dorada’?”
“Shut up,” I teased. He was right. I’d started to hear it in myself. “You do realize, of course, that Cottey College is an all-girl school, right?”
“I believe they prefer all women, and, yes, I do realize that.”
“There won’t be any cute boys there for you to daydream about.”
“Well, I could take the kindergarten position. I’m sure the little boys there are cute. Maybe I could steal one for us to adopt.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t.
“Oh, babe.” Jed realized his misstep. “I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I gave my head a shake to clear it. “Are you sure you want to do this? You love your job there. It will be a huge switch to work with all girls or little kids.”
“It’s been a few years since I taught younger kids, but I’m sure I would fall right back into it. And as far as teaching a bunch of girls, it shouldn’t be a problem. We’ll just braid each other’s hair during class. I’ll fit right in.” He chuckled again.
“Jed, I’m serious. I know this isn’t your first choice, or your sixth, or hundredth for that matter.”
“Babe, what are you getting at? No, they aren’t my dream jobs, but it’s okay. I can deal. You’re acting like I have a choice. I don’t. We don’t. You need to be there for now, and I get that.”
“You do have a choice.”
He paused, suddenly realizing what I was saying. “No, Brooke. I don’t have a choice. That’s not an option.”
“Of course it’s an option.”
“I swear, Brooklyn Morrison, if I were there I would shake you till your teeth start rattlebanging in your head!”
I knew he specifically chose rattlebanging to lighten the mood. I didn’t fall for it. “You said yourself that I’m changing. You said you were even scared of the changes. We’ve been together for seven years. That’s a good long run. It’s not like the marriage is real or anything.”
The lowness of his voice let me know that I was in dangerous territory, and he would soon explode. “The marriage isn’t real? Isn’t real? Are you kidding me with this?”
“Not real. I didn’t mean real. I meant legal. It’s not like our marriage is legal.” I heard the pleading sound in my voice. I didn’t like it.
“You’re going to try to tell me the past six years of our marriage weren’t real?
” His voice was getting louder now. “I don’t need a damned document to tell me our marriage is real.
I don’t need the fucked-up bigots of the country to give us their approval for our marriage to be real.
You need to stop and think about what you are saying and suggesting before you keep talking. ” He returned to a growl.
“Jed, babe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just think….” I didn’t know what I thought. “I was just trying to say that….”
“You listen here, Brooke, I don’t give a shit what you are trying to say.
I know things are rough and have been for a few weeks now.
I know your mom was horrible. Is horrible, whatever.
I know you don’t want to be down there. So what?
Quit only thinking about yourself. You’re not the only one going through this right now.
I’m in it with you. You’re not the only person in the world who’s had to go back home. ”
He took a breath, and I leapt in. “Jed, don’t. You don’t understand….”
“Don’t interrupt me. And don’t tell me I don’t understand.
No, I’m not from a small town. I don’t have your psycho mother, but I do have you.
You’re not always the sanest person in the world either, you know.
Quit feeling so damned sorry for yourself.
You’ve got more than a lot of people with crazy families have.
You’ve got me, for one. You’ve got the Durkes, who sound amazing.
And you’ve got Maudra, who adores you, who is going to let us live with her, so who cares what the rest of the town says?
It’s time to start looking at what you have, instead of whining about all that is not perfect in your little world. ” He let out a stream of air. “Fuck!”
I sat there for a few moments. Tears were pouring out, already soaking the collar of my T-shirt. I felt ashamed, and I was furious. “You done?”
Jed let out another burst of air. “Yeah. I’m done.”
“Fine, good night, then.”
“Brooke!”
“What, Jed? Anything else you wanna lecture me about?”
His voice was tight. “I just wanted to say good night.”
“I already said good night.”
“I also wanted to say that I love you.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Good night, Brooke. I love you.”
I didn’t say anything.
“I love you, Brooke.”
I exhaled in a huff through my nose and muttered, “I love you too.” I hung up the phone before he could say anything else.
It was over fifteen minutes before I could stop sobbing.
I’m not sure if I was crying more from being angry or sad and worried.
I kept checking my phone, waiting to see if he would call back.
He didn’t. I started to text him three different times, but cleared each one.
Finally, I hit the power button, threw the phone onto my jeans in the corner of the room, turned onto my side, and lay awake for a couple of hours before I was able to fall into an exhausted sleep.