Chapter 16 #4
“I was told your degree was in youth ministry and that you were interested in joining the staff here at the Holy Church.”
Donnie, once again, found himself at the receiving end of my glare.
Mandy interjected, “Oh, Daddy. I didn’t tell you last night.
That seems to be more Donnie’s interpretation of the situation than Brooke’s.
Not that it’s a bad idea. I think Brooke would be a wonderful addition to the youth group.
In fact, I was really looking forward to introducing him to Darwin.
I was disappointed when he and his family didn’t show up today. ”
“Darwin’s grandmother died yesterday. They’re driving to Kansas today to get the preparations ready.
Sorry, sweetie, I forgot to tell you. I got the call this morning.
I can’t believe I forgot to mention that in the service today.
I will have to request prayer for their family in this evening’s service. ”
“Oh, that is horrible. Poor Darwin.” Mandy’s eyes instantly filled with tears. “His grandmother was the most important person in his life.”
Pastor Bron gave a sympathetic smile. “I know, Mandy. He will need a lot of extra love and attention when he returns.” He gave the table a few seconds to let the news of Darwin’s situation sink in, then turned his attention back to me.
“Which brings me back to you, Brooke. So, your degree isn’t in youth ministry? ”
“Yes, it is, actually. Although I’ve never used it.”
Donnie interrupted, “Sure you have! You were the leader in our youth group when we were in high school.”
I rolled my eyes at him before I could catch myself. Just the way I wanted Pastor Bron to see me. “That was before I ever had my degree, Donnie. And that was nearly fifteen years ago.”
“So imagine how much better you’ve gotten in all these years!”
“Yes, Donnie, because that’s the way it works.”
“Actually, Brooke,” Pastor Bron interjected, rescuing me from rolling my eyes again or making some other juvenile gesture to Donnie. “I think that might be exactly how it would work.”
“Pastor Bron… sorry, Tyler,” I corrected, “I haven’t even been going to church the past several years. And the only kids I’ve worked with have been in residential treatment, and I doubt that would be appropriate for the kids here.”
“You might be surprised, Brooke. And as far as not going to church, do you still believe in God and Jesus being the Savior?”
I stuttered, “Well, of course I do.”
“Well, then, I am uncertain what the problem is.”
Was he serious? Was he the only person in the room who didn’t know?
Surely Donnie or Mandy told him. They wouldn’t have been so cruel to leave that for me to tell the hottest preacher in the world myself.
“Well, for one, I’m a little busy at the moment.
I am trying to get my mom’s house back in order and take care of her and attempting to get used to living here again. ”
He nodded as if he understood. “Of course, of course. I didn’t mean immediately. We would work around your timeline. But after—”
“Tyler, I don’t think I am the person you really want for this job.”
“Why not? I want someone who is passionate about kids, which you obviously are, otherwise you wouldn’t have dedicated so much of your life to at-risk kids.
I want someone who believes and trusts in God, which you say you do.
I want someone who is close enough to the kids’ ages to relate to them but old enough to earn their respect and trust, which you are. I fail to see the problem.”
I met his eyes more directly, searching. He met them back, full force. I thought I realized what he was doing.
“Are you really going to make me say it?” I doubt my voice carried to anyone else at the table, but he heard it.
“Say what?” His forced look of innocence wasn’t convincing.
I exhaled. He was cute, but I could live without whatever game he was trying to play. Better to just get it over with. “Pastor Bron, as I think you very well know, I am gay. Not only that; I have a husband. He will be joining me here shortly when his semester is over.”
“And see?” His face didn’t alter in the slightest. “Unabashedly honest to top it all off, and not afraid to be real.” He sat back and crossed his arms. “I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather have working with Donnie and the youth group.”
I cocked my head and narrowed my eyes. “Are you for real?”
“Of course I am. I was already sold on you just from hearing about you from Donnie. Mandy just confirmed what I had already been planning when she came home last night. Meeting you has done nothing but solidified it in my mind.”
“But what about Pastor Thomas? About what people will say? About—”
“Let me worry about that. You’ll have your hands full enough with the kids, I promise you.”
“But what if their parents—”
He interrupted again. “Is that a yes, Brooke?”
I was caught off guard. “What?”
“Well, I don’t hear you telling me how you don’t have time or hate kids or don’t want to be bothered. All I hear you doing is worrying about other people, which isn’t ever a reason not to do something. Sounds like a yes to me.”
I glanced over to the others at the table for support.
I should have known better. Donnie, Mandy, Della, Nolan, Maudra, and Sister Heinz were all beaming, some of them nodding their head emphatically.
Only Chuck looked cautious, and Sue’s eyes spoke of fear.
I looked back to Pastor Bron. “I don’t think you understand what can happen, what people will say, what they are capable of accusing me of. ”
“You let me worry about that. For now, just relax and get everything in order.” I started to protest again. He grabbed my hand and gave a firm handshake. “We’ll talk about it more one on one later on.” He grinned kindly, returned his chair, and walked away.
It was late afternoon by the time I got back to my car and headed out to Rose’s. Maudra had packaged enough food from the potluck for my mom to last several days. It was now stacked securely on the floorboard of the passenger seat.
I was still reeling from the events of the morning.
I could feel myself start to give in to the idea of working with the youth group.
I was beginning to feel excited anticipation deep inside.
I couldn’t believe I was even considering it.
I wasn’t considering it, not really. My subconscious might be mulling it over, but my brain knew better.
It would be nice if I could depend on Jed to tell me it was a bad idea, but I knew my husband too well for that.
He would be as excited as Donnie and Mandy.
He would say it would be good for me, and that I would be able to help the kids in a way I had never been able to at the treatment center.
Since it was state funded, talking about God had been strictly taboo.
Of course, I was certain I could depend on Sue—always the one to exercise caution—to take my side.
Maybe I was being overly careful. The situation in Denver surely wouldn’t repeat itself.
So far, all my worries about moving back here had been unjustified, after all.
With the exception of my mother being true to her ever unpleasant self, everyone else had been extremely welcoming.
Even at church. I hadn’t expected them to burn me at the stake or anything, but I figured someone would make some sort of offhand comment or say they were praying for my salvation before I went to Hell.
The worst that had happened was a few cold shoulders, ineptly concealed whispers, and some downcast eyes.
There had been many to either wave or come over to welcome me home as we were packing up the food to leave.
Maybe all my memories of this place had been tainted by my own stresses when I was growing up.
Even walking in to Rose scowling at me as I carried the platters of food to the kitchen didn’t quite dampen my hopeful feeling.
I was just sliding the last tray into the newly cleaned refrigerator when Rose’s gruff garbled voice broke through the silence. Between her slurring and the fact that most of my head was in the fridge, I couldn’t understand what she was trying to say.
I closed the refrigerator door and stepped out into the living room.
“Talking to me today, huh? Wow, it really is quite the extraordinary day.” I reprimanded myself for my sarcastic tone.
That wasn’t going to help anything get better.
I adjusted my voice. “Sorry, Rose, I couldn’t understand what you were saying.
I was making too much noise in the kitchen. ”
She glared at me. “I was just saying how nice it is for my boy to remember me today. I wondered after being forgotten yesterday if you were hoping I was gonna starve.”
“Maudra said she brought food for you and left it on the porch.” My voice almost sounded convincingly concerned.
“That’s right, left it for me on the porch. What am I? Some kinda dog?”
“Oh, she said she knocked, but you didn’t answer. Maybe you were in the restroom and didn’t hear her.” Yeah, right.
“I heard her.” Her lips curled back, revealing her teeth. “I ain’t gonna have that bitch in my house. It’s bad enough you come in here acting like you own the place.”
So much for the miracle of things changing for the better overnight. “I don’t know where you expected her to leave the food, then, if you refuse to answer the door.”
“Shouldn’t have to make such a decision at all. You’re the one who didn’t find it necessary to make sure your mamma got food.”
I felt my face getting hot and my hands clench at my side. “Mom, you haven’t even eaten in front of me since I started bringing you food. For all I know you’ve been dumping it into the garbage!”
“That don’t change the fact that you didn’t care if I ate or not yesterday. Ungrateful bastard!”
All of a sudden it hit me what we were arguing about.
I should have known enough not to call attention to it.
Unfortunately, I am my mother’s child, and I spoke before I thought about it.
“So, let me get this straight.” I ignored her scoff at this.
“You’re upset because I wasn’t here?” I paused for effect.
“You wanted me to come by yesterday. I thought I wasn’t really welcome here. ”
Uncharacteristically, she was caught off guard; it only took a moment for her to recover. “I have a bad habit of needing to eat. If dealing with your disgusting presence is the only way I get to eat, then that is something I have to deal with.”
“Is that so? I haven’t been here in years, Rose. I wasn’t even here the first little bit after your stroke. How’d you eat then?”
She didn’t answer. After a few seconds, it was clear she wasn’t going to. I momentarily envisioned using her face to break through the door into my old room. I shook it off, of course. “Maudra got several things for you from the church potluck. Would you like me to make you a plate of something?”
“Shoulda known you didn’t think of getting me any yourself. I don’t want anything that snooty bitch touched.”
Again the door made a beautiful cracking sound in my head. “Fine, then, Mother. Don’t eat. Just wait ’til I leave so you can pretend you’re too good for her food.”
She sat there, hate in her eyes. She reached up with her bad hand to wipe away a strand of hair in her eyes. As her shriveled hand came into view, she realized what she was doing and placed it back in her lap, refusing to use her other hand instead.
A flash of pity went through me. I stepped toward her and reached out to brush the strand of hair aside.
She let out a strangled sound and reared back so violently I thought the chair was going to tip over. I withdrew my hand like I had just seen a snake.
I couldn’t believe I had any feelings left for this woman that would be enough to hurt. Yet she continually managed to find them. My own mother, repulsed by me enough to be willing to throw herself on the floor rather than have my skin touch hers.
I turned around and went into the bathroom. Today was the day I planned on doing my best not to throw up and start cleaning the nauseating room. I expected it to take every bit as long as the kitchen had, but be even less enjoyable.
I had barely returned from getting cleaning supplies from the kitchen when I again heard my mom’s voice.
I considered ignoring it and started to pick up the trash all over the floor.
Surprisingly, taking a few moments to talk with her sounded more appealing than touching the vileness on the ground, so I stepped back into the living room. “What?”
“I just realized something.” Her voice was almost friendly, and the hairs on the back of my hands stood up. “If you went to the potluck, that means you went to church this morning.”
“Uh, yeah, Rose. That’s right. Didn’t realize that was a mystery.”
She ignored my bratty comment. “They didn’t string you up from the nearest tree, huh?”
She held my eyes, daring me to look away.
“I’m surprised. I thought that church still had standards.
Don’t get me wrong, I detest the whole lot of them, but still, to let you in…
and to let you eat with them.” She shuddered.
“I’d almost think they didn’t know you were a little faggot.
But they do. They know.” She looked at me harder, her voice growing syrupy sweet.
“Why, you even knew that they know, don’t you?
You walked right into that church, in front of God, Sue, and everybody, and sat down like you were good enough to be in there, with them knowing that you like to have your ass fucked by a huge cock, didn’t you? ”
I hated myself, but I could feel my eyes start to burn.
I have no idea what made me say what I said next, as if it would have any effect, as if it would prove anything to her.
In disgust, I heard the tremble of my voice.
“The new preacher asked me to be a youth pastor for their youth group. And yes, he knows. He still thought I was good enough to be there.” The next part shocked even me. “And I think I’m gonna do it!”
Her smile was saccharine, and she didn’t miss a beat. “That new preacher must be like you. He must wanna watch you fuck all their little boys, doesn’t he? Maybe he’ll even help you.”
I didn’t shut the door on the way out, but I managed to get into the car and drive out of view of her house before I pulled into the graveyard and broke down and wept.