Chapter 20
Twenty
Jed forced me to stop by the grocery store on our way to Rose’s.
I tried to convince him it wasn’t necessary, that she wouldn’t want them anyway.
He was determined, so we drove five minutes out of our way just so Jed could run in and get some flowers.
He said a son-in-law shouldn’t arrive empty-handed the first time he meets his husband’s mother.
I agreed with him—he should have a pistol handy.
I managed to keep the thought to myself, for once.
To no great surprise on my part, there were no flowers at the supermarket.
I reminded him again that we were now living in a small town.
The grocery store is for food, batteries, and a small selection of greeting cards.
If you wanted something fancy, you needed to live somewhere else.
Hell, the only one-hour photo was in Nevada, thirty minutes away.
Still resolute, Jed then suggested we go to the florist. Luckily, or unluckily, I previously noticed the florist shop was still in business downtown, in one of the few buildings that was still in good enough shape to have a business in it.
When I’d given him the two-second tour of the town the day after he got here, Jed thought Main Street was “complete adorableness,” and the bandstand in the park was “beyond quaintitivity.” I’d rolled my eyes and told him he needed to move back to Denver.
As we walked to the door of the florist, Jed was seemingly changing his mind.
“Are you sure this is the only florist in town?” He glanced around, as if there might be one hiding behind a bush or something.
“Yes, Jed. You keep forgetting where you are. You’re lucky we even have a florist. Why? What’s wrong with this one?”
“For one, it’s called Rose Petal’s Place.”
“What’s wrong with that? I loved that cartoon when I was a kid.”
He gave me a withering look. “Plus, the paint is peeling all over the side of the building, and they have plastic flowers hanging in the baskets outside. Plastic!”
“Well, what do you expect, Jed? It’s December.” I lifted my hands, proclaiming my innocence in the matter. “Donnie says a committee is planning improvements to the downtown area. Maybe you should join so you have some say in the covenants of what the store owners can or cannot do.”
He paused for a second. “You know, that’s not a half-bad idea. Maybe I will.”
Perfect. Just what we needed. Me and my big mouth.
The little bell chirped as we walked through the door.
I could tell Jed wasn’t encouraged by what he saw inside.
It had a very small interior, and every wall had been painted a shade of light pink.
The hardwood floor had been painted white, but was now scuffed, scratched, and chipped.
All the trim and floorboards were a shocking hue of red, and the frame around the large front window a vibrant purple.
He turned and gave me another withering glare.
“What?” I shrugged. “Iris has always had a very daring taste in decorating.”
His eyes bugged as he whispered, “The owner of the flower shop’s name is Iris? You’ve got to be kidding me?”
I just winked at him. “Hurry up. Pick out something so my mother can ridicule you for it.”
“Stop it. Be nice.” He looked around the store and then back at me. “Everything in here is fake. More plastic flowers!”
I glanced around. “No look”—I pointed to the far corner—“there’s a section of silk flowers.” I bugged my eyes back at him. Jed has always detested fake flowers, plastic, silk, or otherwise. If it wasn’t real, he thought it shouldn’t exist.
He leaned closer to me. “Maybe we should go back to the store. I can get her some magazines or a book or something.”
“Are you kidding me? Let’s just get out to her house.”
At that very moment, we heard the unmistakable sound of a toilet flush, followed by the sound of a door opening much too quickly for there to have been a chance for hand washing.
“Hello?” A feminine voice hollered from the back room. “Give me a second. I heard the door chime, but there’s just some things you can’t rush.”
Somehow, Jed’s eyes managed to bug out even further.
After a few seconds, a woman in a purple dress with white flowers rushed around the corner. The neck and the sleeves had white lace on the hems, all of which looked like they were in danger of bursting.
She saw Jed and stopped short, obviously not used to having strangers in her store. Especially tall, dark, handsome strangers. She began to smooth out her dress, both over her bosom and her rump.
Iris was not a small woman. Iris was not even a large woman.
Iris was a huge woman. The only reason her massive breasts did not fall past her waist was that they rested comfortably on top and on either side of her immense belly.
“Well, my my.” She cleared her throat. “You’re not who I was expecting to see.
Lois is on her way over to pick up some flowers to put on her husband’s grave.
It’s been four years today since he died, you know. ”
There was an awkward pause while Jed decided the most appropriate response.
I must admit, I enjoyed watching. Most of the time, Jed doesn’t struggle with what to say in any situation.
He could meet the president of the United States and not look the least bit flustered or ill-mannered.
It seemed he had met his match in this old, absurdly fat woman.
“Hello, madam.”
I thought I was going to burst out laughing at the notion of calling Iris madam.
“Sorry to have disturbed you. I was just needing to purchase some flowers.”
She looked him up and down, again. “Well, that makes sense. You’re from out a town, aren’t ya?
You must be here courting a local girl. One of the twins, I bet.
Sarah. No, no, not Sarah. You’re much too handsome for Sarah.
Samantha! She’s the prettier one. You’re here a-courtin’ Samantha.
Well, good for her. She’s done right good for herself! Bet her mamma’s proud!”
Once again, dumbstruck, Jed stared at her, his jaw gaping. It didn’t matter to Iris. I’m sure it had been ages since she had such a good-looking man this physically close to her, if ever. She kept right on going.
“I told that woman that she shouldn’t have let Sarah go off to college.
I told her. No good man wants a career woman for a wife.
I told her. Samantha played it right, staying home and taking care of things here.
Of course, I thought she had been getting cozy with that Wallace boy who lives out by Collins.
” She paused again, looking as if she was concerned she had said something she shouldn’t, then rushed forward.
“I’m sure it ain’t nothin’. Nothing to concern yourself with.
I am sure they must have just gone to school together or something, just friends.
She’d never cheat, not Samantha. Sarah maybe, no telling what she’ll be like when she gets back from the university.
You’re a heck of a lot better-looking than that Wallace boy. No way she’s not doing right by ya.”
“It’s okay.” Jed managed to interrupt. “I’m not here for Samantha. Or anyone else,” he blurted out when it looked like Iris might start a new game of guess-the-girlfriend. “I am here to get flowers for my mother-in-law.”
“Oh.” She nodded as if that made more sense.
“Of course you’re married. Should’ve known.
” Her eyes flitted for the first time to his wedding ring, and once again she ran her hands over her breasts.
“So, then your mother-in-law is local. Good, good. What kinda flower arrangement are you thinking?” She started to step around the counter, then looked back at him.
“You know, why don’t you just tell me who this mother-in-law of yours is and I can pick something out that would suit her right nicely.
Most of the women have been in here, and I know what each one of them likes. ”
“Well, actually. I was thinking more along the lines of a—”
She broke in before Jed could keep going. “Now, now, none of that. Trust me, I know what everybody in town likes. You just tell me who, and I will tell you what!”
Jed dropped his hands to his side. “Rose Morrison.”
Iris’s cloudy eyes looked up at the ceiling as she tapped her thigh with her right hand, causing the purple dress to flutter.
“Rose Morrison… Rose Morrison. You know I can’t seem to think who…
.” She drew in a sharp breath. “Rose Morrison! I know Rose Morrison, not that she’s ever been in here.
Goodness.” She fluttered her hand in front of her face, apparently overheating.
“I guess you will have to pick it out. I haven’t a clue.
” She started to come around the counter again, and then once more looked back at Jed.
“You sure you shouldn’t just get her something from the liquor store?
” She chuckled gleefully at her own joke.
I felt my face redden.
She continued to stare at Jed, her eyes narrowing.
“Now, wait just a minute, there. Rose Morrison. Rose Morrison. She doesn’t have any daughters.
She only has that boy. I heard from Hazel he was back.
I haven’t been to church in a bit, but she told me he was there.
She was quite upset, said that people had told her that he was a…
.” Her voice dropped off. “She’s your mother-in-law? ”
“Yes, madam, she is.” Jed’s shoulders had squared, and I could see his jaw muscles clinching.
“Then that means….” There was another long pause. Either Iris was undeniably slow, or she was dragging it out for the pure enjoyment of it. “That means you’re a… you’re a….” She lifted her eyebrows as if to say, “fill in the blank.”
Jed’s voice was tight. “Yes, madam, it does.”