Chapter 27 #2
I could tell from her expression she wasn’t being hostile; she was genuinely asking.
“No, Alyson, I don’t. I am surer of my relationship with God than I ever was before.
I’m not perfect, and there are things I am still working on to be more Christlike, but I am confident in my relationship with Him. ”
She started to say more, but then just nodded.
Before I could encourage her to continue, another hand shot up.
“Yes, Bubba.” Donnie pointed again.
A huge football-player-looking boy with a shaved head looked at me with a huge grin on his face. “Do you wear dresses?”
I laughed. “No, Bubba, I don’t. Only pants. I don’t even wear shorts. No tan.” He and his friends grinned at each other. Obviously, he had been dared to ask. “Bubba, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
He stopped smiling and his eyes grew wary. “No.”
“Is your real name Bubba?”
He relaxed and shook his head. “No. It’s Randall.”
I smiled and gestured to Donnie. “We went to school with a guy named Bubba. He was about as big as you are. His name was Alvin.”
The next hand belonged to Darwin. “Do our parents know you’re going to be teaching us?
” I felt bad for the kid. I was sure he was about to come unglued at the seams. His voice trembled with nervousness.
His question was obviously shared by the rest of the group, as everyone looked at me in anticipation.
“No, Darwin, they don’t.” Eyes got wider. “However, Pastor Bron asked me to join Donnie in leading the group, and Pastor Thomas… has been informed as well.”
“What if they find out?” He looked on the verge of tears.
“Darwin, it is okay if they do. I will never ask any of you to keep anything we talk about, either in here or on our own time, a secret. And if any of your parents have questions, I am more than happy to meet with them as well.”
My answer didn’t seem to make him feel any better.
In fact, I was fairly sure he was going to start crying if he didn’t get out of the room quickly.
It seemed Donnie had the same impression, as he broke in.
“Let’s go ahead and dismiss. Feel free to stay and play games and eat snacks.
Brooke will be here with us, so if you have more questions or just want to say hi, please do. ”
Sure enough, as the rest of the room started to disperse, I saw Darwin duck quickly into the restroom.
Other than simply giving me a nervous smile, most of the kids didn’t approach me, but there were only a few who seemed to be intentionally shunning my presence.
The only ones who came up to me were a few girls.
They were very welcoming and genuinely cordial.
No one asked me any questions. I began to get nervous after my talk was over.
I felt like I was the center of attention in a room full of people who would prefer I leave so they could talk about me.
As Bubba walked by, he punched me playfully on the shoulder, which rather hurt, actually. I did a good job of not showing it. “Good talk, bud.”
“Thanks, Bubba.” It had been so long since I had a kid speak to me so informally that I almost corrected him.
I managed to remember I was now in a church, not in a residential treatment facility.
He was gone before I could say anything else to him.
His punch, however painful it might have been, helped me feel a little bit better.
I saw Donnie playing pool with a couple of the older boys, so I followed his lead and went over to the Ms. Pac-Man machine and asked to play the winner. It was somewhat awkward, but every time I ran into a ghost, I took on so that soon we were laughing together.
By the time the kids had left and Donnie and I were cleaning up, I was feeling better about the entire situation.
It was going to be okay. The kids had responded well overall, and it would only be a matter of weeks before I wasn’t really thought of as the new gay youth pastor.
I would just be Brooke, who used to work with jail kids and squeals when he plays Ms. Pac-Man.
“I’m pretty sure when I took the garbage out to the trash heap that I saw Darwin lurking around your car.” Donnie wiped his hands on a paper towel. “Probably wants to talk to you alone. Looks like Mandy’s right.”
“Mandy is definitely right. That poor boy is one bucketful of glitter.”
Donnie laughed loudly and shook his head at me. “You’re horrible.”
I grinned at him. “I know.” I looked at him more seriously. “Would you mind staying here until he leaves? Maybe glance out the window from time to time? That way you can be a witness.”
“Paranoid much?”
“We are alone in the country at night. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t be too careful.”
“Sure, sure. I can do that. Darwin would never accuse you of anything.”
“Probably not. But Mom would.”
Donnie rolled his eyes. “Let’s not think about her right now. The night was too good.”
“You think?”
He looked at me in surprise. “Yeah, don’t you? There was all sorts of stuff that could have gone wrong tonight. I thought it was really smooth.”
“I thought so too, but I didn’t know you were worried.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say worried necessarily, just interested to see what the kids would do.”
“I’m still alive, so that’s a start.”
As I got closer to my car, it was easy to see that it was indeed Darwin pacing back and forth behind it.
He was so tiny he could have easily passed for a sixth grader.
He was barely five feet tall and scrawny.
His face was completely smooth and blemish-free.
His white-blond hair lay thin and straight in bangs that came nearly to his eyes.
“Hi, Darwin. What’s up?”
Darwin jumped at the sound of my voice. I could have sworn he had been looking at me as I walked toward him.
“I, uh, just wanted to talk to you for a second, that’s all.”
I tried to be funny. “Oh, good. I thought you were going to steal my car keys and go for a joyride.”
He just stared at me.
Trying too hard, Morrison. Tone it down.
“I just wanted to ask you….” He glanced around then brought his eyes to mine. “How’d you know my name?”
“What?” That was so not the question I was expecting.
He looked away, unable to hold my gaze any longer. “Donnie had to tell you Bubba’s and Alyson’s name. When I raised my hand, and you called on me, you already knew who I was.”
I hadn’t even realized I had called him by name.
I wanted to smack myself. What if other kids had noticed and made something out of it?
“Uhm, Mandy, Pastor Bron’s daughter, mentioned you to me.
She said that you were a really great kid.
” He just looked at me, not buying that I was being honest. “I was sorry to hear about your grandmother.”
Tears instantly filled his eyes. Wonderful. Tag the kid for being gay in front of the whole youth group, then bring up his dead grandma and make him cry. Nice start.
“I’m sorry, Darwin. I wasn’t trying to bring up something painful.”
He didn’t let more than a couple of tears escape. He was tougher than I thought. “It’s okay. I just really miss her.”
“I was really close to my grandmother too. I still miss her.”
He just nodded. So much for connecting over missing grandmothers.
“What year are you, Darwin?”
“Sophomore.”
“That’s cool. Are you in band or choir?” I caught myself. “Baseball or something?”
He ignored the question. I admired him for getting right to the point. “What have you heard about me?”
“What do you mean?”
He looked a mix between irritated and scared shitless. “You knew my name.”
We looked at each other. The moon came out from behind a cloud and lit up his face. He looked so young.
I didn’t know what to say. Should I make up something? Be direct? I thought about what I wanted at his age. I wanted someone to ask me. I was so tired of the secret; I just wanted someone to lay it out on the table for me.
“Are you wanting me to ask you, Darwin?”
He didn’t say anything. But he looked in my eyes, imploring.
I wanted to run away as far as I could. “Do you think that you’re like me, Darwin? Do you think you’re gay?”
He couldn’t hold back the tears this time. He looked at the ground as they poured down his face, falling to the grass. He started to tremble.
My first instinct was to put my arms around him. Cradle him like a child and tell him everything would be okay, that it would get better. That he wouldn’t always live here, that he wouldn’t always be in high school, that he wouldn’t always be scared and ashamed.
I didn’t.
After a time, he managed to look back up at me. “What’s going to happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“What will people say?”
“I’m not going to tell anyone, Darwin. Donnie and Mandy already know, and they love you. They won’t tell anyone either.”
I should have known this wouldn’t have been soothing. “Other people know?” He looked around as if waiting for the mob with pitchforks.
I put my hand on his shoulder before I could stop myself. I wished I could tear it away. “Darwin, it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”
“Mom and Dad won’t be okay with you being here.” His voice was softer now.
“Don’t worry about me, Darwin. I’ll be okay.” I knew he wasn’t thinking about me, not really. “Just because I’m here doesn’t mean they’re going to know about you.”
He just shook his head. He knew better.
I dropped my hand.
“Do you really think God still loves me?” The tears started again as he fought to finish the question.
I felt my heart rip and tears spring to my eyes. “Oh, Darwin. Yes, I know He does. He absolutely adores you.”
“But, if I am….” He took a ragged breath. “He can’t, not till….”
“Yes, He does, Darwin. He’s not waiting for you to change. He loves you. He’s just waiting for you to realize that.”
It was several minutes before his sobbing started to subside and he could breathe normally again. Before I could stop him, he fell forward and wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled tightly against me, still shaking.
I stood stiff and glanced toward the barn window, hoping Donnie was watching. “Fuck it.” I don’t think I was loud enough for Darwin to hear. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud. I wrapped my left arm around his back and caressed his head with my right hand as he continued to cry on my chest.
After he was able to talk without breaking down, I took him back into the barn for him to wash his face. He looked a lot better after some of the redness had left his eyes. He smiled at Donnie when Donnie asked him how he was.
Donnie, free of my fear, wrapped the tiny young man in his arms. “We love ya, kiddo.”
Darwin just nodded as much as he could in Donnie’s firm embrace.
Donnie tousled his hair as you would a little kid’s. “Better get on home, boy. Your folks are gonna start getting worried.”