Chapter 34
Thirty-Four
I refused to see anyone the rest of Friday and all day Saturday. Donnie came by, and Tyler and Sue called several times. I refused to talk to them. Maudra told me I was behaving like a child, that at a time like this I needed those who loved me close by.
However, after Jed filled her in on what had happened in Denver, she understood that I needed time to myself, going so far as to bring dinner up to the bedroom.
Jed, in typical form, was perfect, giving me just enough time to myself to let me wallow in my misery, but sitting with me in silence at times so that I didn’t end up in a scary, insane place.
I didn’t seem capable of speaking. It was too much effort. I seemed incapable of tears, for once. I wasn’t angry; I was even past being embarrassed. If I felt any humiliation at all, it was due to the fact I wasn’t embarrassed enough.
I felt like there was something I needed to figure out, the “why” of the whole situation.
Surely I was supposed to learn something from all of this.
It couldn’t be pure happenstance that my life in Denver had followed me here.
The very thing that had pushed me to come home, “take care” of my mother, to reconnect with my old life, was now the very thing that was going to make me leave it all once again.
The first night, as I sunk into him, his arms wrapped around me in bed, Jed told me in low tones that he would do whatever I needed.
We could stay up in Maudra’s guest room for the next year or sneak out in the middle of the night; he could give an hour’s notice to Cottey College, and we could finally move to San Diego, even though we wouldn’t be able afford a cardboard box on the beach; we could get jobs at Sea World—maybe work at the otter and sea lion show.
Maybe Disneyland. No one would ever guess it was us under our mouse ears.
I am sure many of his scores of options were told in hopes to pry a laugh from my lips.
He didn’t let on that he was disappointed when I didn’t even crack a smile.
We would move. Of course we would move. It didn’t have to be San Diego.
It could be the godforsaken trailer in Ransom, Kansas, for all I cared.
We would move, and I would never work with kids again.
Surely if I never looked on the face of a child again, there would be no reason for anyone to ever discover my past life and all its alleged damnable skeletons.
The only thing I was sure about was how to do it.
We would have to tell Maudra. We owed her too much to simply leave in the middle of the night, but the Durkes were a different story.
I didn’t think I could face Donnie, not after all his faith in me.
Not when he was facing his own personal Hell.
Even though it would be a few months before Mandy would be large enough that she couldn’t hide her pregnancy any longer, he needed me to be here for him, like he had always been for me.
I couldn’t face him and tell him I was abandoning him again.
I would have to be true to the meaning of the word.
Abandon him in secret. Maybe I would write him later, try to explain. Maybe I wouldn’t.
It was funny. It never entered my mind that Donnie would have doubts about my innocence. I knew he would defend me with his last breath, even if he never heard my side of the story. I didn’t think of it enough to worry about it or to take his loyalty for granted.
I hated that Rose would feel like she won.
That her son was a pedophile and had to run away in shame.
Maybe it would even give her enough strength to get out of her house so she could take part in the gossip against me, adding some stories of her own.
The thought of Rose brought to mind the pair of Clayton’s dirty shorts in her bathroom.
The thought saddened me. As bad as my life was at the moment, I wouldn’t trade places with her, even to escape everything.
Maudra had convinced me to come down to the sunroom late Monday afternoon.
I did, partly for her and partly for Jed.
I knew he would be happy when he came home from work to see me among the living.
She had set a homemade cinnamon roll on the table in front of me.
I hadn’t touched it. She sat beside me eating one of her own, letting the silence rest comfortably between us.
Thurston sat on my lap, relishing my absentminded strokes.
“Knock, knock.”
Maudra and I both jumped at the abrupt interruption and turned to see the voice behind us. Thurston let out a hiss and jumped to the floor, irritated that I had disturbed him.
“Good Lord, Donnie. I could shake ya!” Maudra actually sounded a little irritated with him.
“Sorry, Maudra!” Donnie grinned at her and then looked at me warily. “I knew if I knocked, Brooke would scamper off and lock himself into his room, so I thought it better to just walk in quiet-like.”
I glanced around, trying to determine the quickest exit.
“Don’t even think about it, Brooke. We’re gonna talk.” He sat by Maudra. “Even if I have to kick down the door to your room.”
“Now, there ain’t gonna be any kickin’. You boys aren’t gonna tear up my house.”
“Maudra, you know I’d fix it if it came to that.”
I glanced at him, expecting to see that familiar teasing twinkle in his eye. He looked dead serious.
“I mean it, Brooke. We’re talking.”
I sighed in defeat and let my head fall.
“Good!”
Maudra nodded her approval as well as she stooped over to pick up Thurston and place him on her lap.
Donnie’s face softened. “How are you?”
I started to shrug, then changed. “I’m okay.” The sound of my voice sounded strange.
He smiled. “I doubt that. You know I don’t believe anything they are saying, right?”
“I know that.” Then I realized how that sounded. “Thank you.”
“Well, I have news for you. I’m not sure if it will help or not, but I hope so.”
I cocked my head at him. I wasn’t sure if there was news that would be capable of helping, unless the world was going to explode in a few minutes and nothing would matter anymore.
Donnie glanced over at Maudra. “I didn’t see you at church yesterday.”
“I didn’t think I could hold my tongue if I heard people a’talkin’. Thought it better ta just stay here ’n’ keep outta trouble.”
“Well, then this will be even more news to you than it is to Brooke.”
He looked back to me and held my gaze. “I told everyone at last night’s service.”
I was puzzled for a couple of seconds, then my heart sank. How had he thought this might help? “You didn’t.”
“Yeah, I did.” He smiled. “Actually, I’m glad. I feel a lot better to not have to keep it a secret anymore. We told Tyler Saturday night, and he agreed that we should address it up front.”
“Well, what the hell’s the big secret you told ever’body? You gay too now?”
Donnie laughed loudly. He really did sound better, almost happy. “Oh, Maudra, leave it to you! Maybe I should have started with that. They might have responded better.”
“Well, what is it? Good Lord!”
“Oh, sorry, Maudra.” He inhaled. “Mandy and I found out the other day that she’s pregnant.”
“Oh Lord.” Maudra’s voice was soft. She took in the information before continuing. “I bet that didn’t go over too well.”
“Donnie, why did you tell them? Why now? You could have waited. You should’ve.”
“You know, Mandy and I talked, and it just seemed right. Get everything out all at once.” He shrugged. “You never know, maybe it will take the focus off you.”
“They’ll prolly jist say it was Brooke what influenced ya to sin.” Maudra chuckled at the thought. I guess I shouldn’t have been, but I was somewhat surprised she was taking the news so well. She didn’t seem the least bit reproachful.
“Poor Pastor Bron.” I felt sick to be a part of all the drama that was laid at his feet. “I bet Twyla and Pastor Thomas are loving every minute of this.”
“Oh, I forgot!” Donnie slapped his knee. “I forgot you didn’t know. They are on vacation for a few weeks, visiting their kids.”
“Oh, well, that’s a relief. Although it’s just a matter of time before they come back.”
“True, but hopefully some of the hysteria will have died down by then. You’re right, though, Tyler is so stressed out.
All this happening only a couple weeks after he takes over.
There are several people who are really upset.
If they keep it up, I am sure there will be talk about asking him to leave, if there isn’t already.
” Donnie’s face flushed, obviously struggling with guilt for his part in it all.
“How did he take it when you all told him about the baby?”
“He cried. It was the first time Mandy has been upset about the baby. He said he was disappointed, but that he loves us, both of us, and already considered me a son. He said he is excited about being a grandpa. I think part of what makes him sad is that Mandy’s mom isn’t here to be a grandma with him.
” He shook his head as he continued, “He’s taking it a lot better than Mom is.
She is beside herself. She can’t quit crying.
She keeps asking me if I am sure I have really repented and am okay with God. ”
“For Pete’s sake!” Maudra clucked her tongue. “I’m gonna have a talk with Sue. She needs to get ahold a herself.”
Donnie held up a hand toward her. “Oh, please don’t.
It’ll only make it worse. Both Dad and Della are trying to calm her down.
She’s just so worried that her only boy is gonna end up in Hell.
” He let out a morose laugh. “I hate that I am hurting her so much. What also doesn’t help is how excited Zephyra is.
She is absolutely beside herself. She is hoping it’s a boy.
She’s already picking out boy names and talking about buying baby tennis shoes.
Mom, of course, is worried about her too, not that that’s anything new. ”
I smiled. Zephyra had always been the “wild” one. I wished she were here right now. The thought surprised me. “And how are you? You look a lot better.”
He grinned. “Now that I have the confession out of the way, I actually feel great. Yeah, I wish I could go back and change things, do things the right way, but I can’t.
I know God has forgiven me, and I am confident in Him.
Last night, after we got home from church, it was the first time I really thought about being a dad.
” His face broke into a huge smile, and he beamed, making him more beautiful than he usually was.
“I’m going to be a dad! Can you believe it! ” He let out a little whoop.
Maudra grinned and patted him on the knee. “I’m glad fer ya, boy. Yer gonna be a great dad. ’Tween you and Mandy, you gonna have one good-looking kid.”
“Thanks, Maudra. We’re expecting you to be the other grandma since Mandy’s mom is gone.”
A look of pride radiated from her. Maudra just nodded, giving a smile that almost matched Donnie’s.
She stood and announced that she was going to get a second cinnamon roll and get one for Donnie.
She glanced down at mine, still untouched, and gave me a warning look.
We could hear her blowing her nose in the kitchen.
When she came back in, it was obvious she had splashed water on her face.
Her lace choke collar was damp, but her eyes were clear.
As they ate, I picked up my cinnamon roll and took a bite.
It was flavored with orange, and it was delicious.
I felt better almost instantly. Between the sugar and Donnie’s excitement, life was looking a little more hopeful.
I should have known better than to ask the next question.
“What are you going to tell the youth group?”
His face fell. “Most of them already know, of course, the ones whose families go to church. I’m sure the rest found out as soon as they got the call.
Not only did we announce Mandy’s pregnancy, but I also let everyone know you would no longer be a part of the youth group.
” He continued quickly before I could ask any questions.
“Nobody mentioned the news from Denver. I simply said that you didn’t do anything wrong, but due to parental concerns, you had stepped down.
” I looked down at his feet. “I also let them know that Wednesday would be my last night with the youth group.”
“What!” Maudra yelped before I could react.
“Maudra, I had to. You know that. Tyler agreed too. I am in a leadership position in charge of leading the kids’ spiritual journeys. Obviously, I am not the best role model for the job.”
“Yer human. Couldn’t ask fer better. Ain’t they never read the story of King David?”
It was his turn to pat her on the knee.
“Donnie, what are the kids going to do? You can’t just leave them.” I thought I was going to be sick.
“Well, I don’t have much of a choice, do I? Somebody will fill in for me. I am sure Tyler will try to get a real youth pastor this time. Someone who has a paid position on staff.”
“I’m so sorry, Donnie. I didn’t mean for all this to happen. I should have told you guys about what happened in Denver. It just never entered my mind that it would come back here. I should have known better.”
“Don’t be stupid, Brooke.” Donnie heaved a sigh. “It would have happened anyway. You didn’t make Mandy get pregnant.”
Maudra let out a huge laugh.
We both looked at her like she was crazy. “What?”
She managed to stop laughing long enough to speak. “Well, if Brooklyn could get some girl pregnant, only half a this silliness would be happenin’, wouldn’t it?”
Donnie and I looked at each other and joined in Maudra’s absurd laughter.