19. Kareem
CHAPTER 19
KAREEM
“ I t feels like forever since you and I last spoke,” Queen Rajiyah said. “You live right here in town, Kareem, and yet we never see you. Why is that?”
Kareem let out a sigh and looked out over the river. He was surprised that his mother had chosen this place when she had asked him to come for a walk with her today, but he was also grateful. He didn’t know if he would have had the strength to face it on his own. After all, this was the site of his kiss with Keira. Even now, being here, it was impossible not to think of her and of what they had shared — but he didn’t want to think about it. He wanted to put her from his mind and focus on the race, which was now only a week away.
“I’ve been busy,” he told his mother. “I’ve been caught up in preparations for the race. And besides, I don’t think Father wants to see me.”
“Your father is not the sole decision maker in this family,” the queen said firmly. “He may be the king, but when it comes to our children, I have always taken the more forceful hand.”
“Would you say so?” Kareem asked. “You know how Father has always been — determined to let me know what he thought of all of my choices, to make sure I was aware he didn’t approve of the way I live my life.”
“That’s right,” his mother agreed. “He doesn’t approve. But has he ever acted to stop you? He wants you to work in a tech-related job, and you’ve never shown any interest in that. He could have forced your hand by sending you to college or arranging a job for you, but he hasn’t done those things.”
“He will now,” Kareem said dully. “He told me himself that once the race is over, he expects me to settle down in a tech job. There won’t be anything I can do about that.”
“No, I’m afraid there won’t be now,” his mother agreed. “But at least he’s allowing the race to go ahead. That’s my doing, you know. He wanted to cancel it the moment he heard, but I convinced him that it should be allowed to go forward.”
“Oh,” Kareem said. “I hadn’t realized that.”
“Well, it’s the truth. So for you to stay away from home because you’re afraid your father doesn’t want to see you…”
“No, you’re right,” Kareem agreed. “I shouldn’t have done that, Mother. I should have come around sooner to see you. I’m sorry I didn’t do that.”
“You don’t need to apologize,” the queen said mildly. “Just don’t stay away like that again. You’re my child, Kareem. I will always want to see you, no matter what you might have done.”
“Do you also think it was a mistake for me to plan the race?”
His mother sighed. “The truth is, I don’t feel the same way your father does about that,” she said. “I don’t think there is anything so bad about your passion for these races. I’m glad you have something you loved, Kareem, and I would want you to pursue that passion whenever you possibly can.”
“You do seem disappointed in me, though. I don’t think that’s only Father.”
“I wouldn’t have said disappointed.”
She was quiet. Eventually, Kareem prompted her, “What would you have said, if not that?”
“I’m hurt,” she said. “I’m hurt that you got married without telling me, Kareem. I’m hurt that you didn’t involve me in that.”
Kareem felt a sick stab of guilt. “You know why I didn’t discuss it with you,” he told her. “It wasn’t a real marriage. If it had been, things might have been different, but I always knew that it wasn’t going to last.”
“That’s what I told myself,” his mother said. “You know I was very hurt when you first brought Keira home after not being honest with me about your plans. I had always assumed that if you chose to marry, you would allow the family to share in your joy, and I was sure we must have done something to offend you if you’d decided otherwise. I felt awful about it.”
“I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, Mother. Truly.”
“As time went on, I came to realize that things weren’t as they seemed,” the queen said.
“You did?”
She laughed lightly. “You’re my son, Kareem. I know you very well. Better than you give me credit for. I could see the way you were with her. At first, it was as if you hardly knew her.”
“I hardly did,” Kareem admitted. “But I never thought anyone would be able to recognize that.”
“Most people wouldn’t have. You two did a good job presenting yourselves as what you claimed to be. I think I was the only one who realized early on that something wasn’t right. Your father was shocked when he discovered who she truly was. He would never have known, I think. But I wasn’t surprised to learn the truth. I had suspected there was something I didn’t know about your situation almost from the very start.”
“I suppose I should have known that you would put it together,” Kareem said. “Mothers always seem to know these things.”
She laughed. “There is some truth to that.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings,” he told her. “I didn’t intend to do that.”
“I know you didn’t. You felt as if it was the only way. Now that I know more about what you were doing and why, I understand that. You could have been honest with me, but I understand why you felt as if you couldn’t. I’m sorry it was like that for you, Kareem.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t place more trust in you,” he said.
“I understand why you didn’t. And I’m not telling you this because I hoped to hear you apologize for what happened. What’s done is done. I want to tell you, though, that I still don’t think you’re being completely forthcoming about things.”
“I am,” Kareem said, surprised. “I’m not keeping any more secrets, Mother. You know the whole truth now.”
“Perhaps it’s yourself you aren’t being honest with,” his mother said. “Do you think I can’t see the way you looked at her? And how different you’ve been since she left? I think you have yourself convinced that your marriage wasn’t real — but I think that if you were honest with yourself, you would have to admit that there was something real in it. Something more than just your desire to put on a race for the people of Qalmar.”
The shiver that went down Kareem’s spine reminded him of a feeling he had often had in his youth, when his mother had seemed to know things she shouldn’t have been able to know about what he was doing. It had seemed to him in those days as if she had a sixth sense for the behavior of her children, and it felt the same way now. How could she possibly know with such accuracy what he had been thinking and feeling since Keira had gone home?
“Am I right?” she asked him. “You care for her, don’t you?”
Kareem wanted to deny it, but he felt tired of trying to keep his feelings under wraps. It all seemed too difficult all of a sudden.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel,” he told his mother.
She stopped walking and turned to face him head-on. “Never say that, Kareem,” she said firmly. “Of course the way you feel matters.”
“I don’t mean it doesn’t matter ,” Kareem amended. “I just mean it doesn’t change anything.”
“But you do feel something for her?” his mother pressed.
“That wasn’t the agreement between the two of us. This wasn’t an arrangement that was supposed to leave room for any feelings.”
“Kareem, answer the question.”
“Of course I feel something!” The words seemed to explode out of him. “She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she has the same passions I do — how could I not feel something? The only surprising thing is that I didn’t see it coming. I should have known something like this would happen if I spent too much time in her company. I should have known better than to let her get close.”
“Oh, Kareem,” his mother sighed. “It saddens me that your response to finding love is to say that you should have known better than to get close to the person you feel it for.”
“I never said love.”
“You didn’t have to. I’ve been in love myself,” she said. “I recognize it when I see it. You’ve been different since Keira left. You’ve been hurting. I can see how difficult it’s been for you.”
Kareem raked a hand through his hair. “None of this was the plan. None of this was supposed to happen.”
“Life doesn’t always follow your plans,” his mother told him gently.
“It did for you,” Kareem pointed out. “You and Father made an arrangement to marry, and you followed through on it. I would have thought that if anyone would appreciate the importance of sticking to a plan, it would be you.”
“That’s what you took away from my story?” His mother laughed. “That was never the point of the story I told you about my marriage, Kareem. It’s not a story about good planning. It’s about how love can surprise you. How it can find you even when you’re not expecting it. Yes, your father and I had an arranged marriage, but we came to truly love one another. That could be true for you as well. You might find love in your marriage, even though you and Keira didn’t come together for that reason. You shouldn’t rule it out as a possibility. And if you’ve discovered that you have feelings for her, I think that’s something you need to follow through on. You need to give yourself the chance to find out what those feelings might lead to.”
“It can’t happen,” Kareem said. “Father sent her back to America. If I wanted any sort of future with her, even something casual, I would have to leave the country. And no matter what I might feel for her, I’m not sure I can just leave Qalmar behind forever.”
“I’m not suggesting that,” his mother said patiently. “But I do think you should bring her back here for the race. If nothing else, Keira deserves to experience the fruits of her labor, doesn’t she? You both worked hard to make this event a reality. I’m sure it must matter to her as much as it does to you.” His mother’s voice carried a slight tone of recrimination, and Kareem realized with a pang that she was disappointed him.
It hurt. “I wanted her to stay,” he defended himself. “It was Father who said she had to go. And if he was an ordinary father, I might have defied him, but he’s the king. He could make trouble for her if she tried to stay here against his wishes.”
“You let me worry about your father,” the queen said firmly. “The only question for you to answer is, do you want to see her again?”
“Of course I do,” Kareem said quietly. It wasn’t even a question.
“Then I’ll speak to your father.”
“He won’t agree.”
“Leave that to me. Like I told you, I know how to make him see reason. You just worry about reaching out to Keira and letting her know that she’s welcome to come back.”
Kareem nodded, but he didn’t allow his hopes to rise. After all, Keira had blocked his number. Getting in touch with her would be all but impossible. And even if he somehow managed to do it, there was no reason to believe that she would want to see him. She had made it perfectly clear that she was finished with their relationship.
What his mother was saying was kind, and in a way, it was nice to hear. But, like everything else having to do with Kareem’s relationship with Keira, it was just too little, too late. They had squandered a good thing, and Kareem had little hope that they would be able to recover it.
He would try. He knew that his mother was right, and that if nothing else, Keira deserved to be here for the race. He would do his best to reach her, and he would ask her to come back.
But he didn’t believe that it would do any good.