Chapter 5 #3
Chloe nodded, unable to speak. Her heart racing, she clasped her hands in her lap, the half-eaten bowl of chili in front of her forgotten as her mind raced with hope, excitement, and a certain amount of hesitance.
What if her daughter was there? Would she even recognize her?
After all, she hadn’t laid eyes on Eliza since she was a tiny babe in arms.
*
The following morning, after climbing into the buggy which her brother had hitched up for her after breakfast, Chloe’s heart was pounding.
While she hoped her daughter had been adopted and was in a good home with a good family, she acknowledged that she nevertheless longed to see Eliza with her own eyes.
She desperately needed to make sure she was well cared for and happy.
But if she was still in an orphanage, chances were she would be passed over while younger children were adopted. The disappointment she’d felt every time she’d been left behind reminded her of the reality of life in the orphanage she’d grown up in. Yet she also had to wonder.
Would she be content if she learned her daughter had found a home? Could she accept that and make a life for herself or would she always wonder, always yearn to seek her daughter out? And was that fair or was it nothing more than selfishness on her part?
She sighed heavily. Lord, give me strength.
As Lillian carefully guided the buggy through town, offering waves and greetings to those she passed, many curious glances focused on Chloe before they left the town behind.
The landscape was relatively flat, though quite green thanks to early spring rains.
Rolling hills broke the flatness once in a while, and scrub oak or clumps of shrubs growing along the base of hillsides or a creek or narrow stream offered a break in the landscape.
Lillian chatted most of the way there, telling her about the children and the matron and the other women who worked there until Chloe realized that Lillian had asked her a question.
Not wanting to confess that she hadn’t been listening with but half an ear, she turned to her new friend.
“I’m not sure how to answer that.” It seemed a safe enough comment.
“Well, something had to start you on your travels,” Lillian said. “It’s got to be more than just a sense of wanderlust.”
“No,” she admitted. “It wasn’t simply a matter of wanderlust.”
Lillian turned toward her with a raised eyebrow. “Did someone hurt you? Left you with a broken heart? Is that why you’re traveling, to keep your mind off your sorrows and looking to start over someplace new?” She hesitated. “Oh, I’m sorry, Chloe, I don’t mean to pry into your private business.”
“It’s all right,” she murmured. “And yes, I suppose you could say that.”
It was the truth, wasn’t it? She’d been left all alone and she did have a broken heart.
Even though she had told Nathaniel that she’d been traveling, wanting to start over in life, she couldn’t even manage that, at least not yet.
She had to find her daughter first. Maybe then, when she learned that Eliza was doing well, was healthy and happy, she could finally find some peace in her heart and lessen the guilt that laid heavier and heavier on her shoulders every year.
Even that seemed doubtful however. Regrets lay heavily on her soul every day.
Yes, she’d done what she had to in order to keep her daughter safe from Everett’s and Silas’s threads of revenge.
Still, even now, her daughter might not be safe.
Even now, she might not be safe from their threats.
The last she’d heard, they were up in the Dakotas.
There were plenty of outlaws roaming the western territories these days, according to the newspapers.
“Chloe? Are you all right?”
She turned to Lillian, gazing at her with concern as the buggy bounced over a bump in the road. She winced and clutched the bench seat and nodded. “Yes, I … I’m fine.”
“We can turn around go back home if you’d like. I just wanted to get you out of the house for a little bit, to get some fresh air and sunshine—”
“I’m fine,” Chloe lied. “Truly I am.” She turned forward in the buggy and spied a large two-story structure built upon a stone foundation in the near distance.
Her heart skipped a beat or two and she clenched her hands tightly together as they passed a large wooden plank sign pounded into the ground announcing the orphanage.
Her mind spun dizzily for several moments and she clutched the seat again, so tightly her knuckles turn white. She tried to relax, to breathe, and told herself not to get her hopes up, not to wish for something she couldn’t have.
“You’ll like Missus Sanderson,” Lillian said as they drove closer to the yards surrounding the structure. “Missus Bethany Sanderson. She’s a widow, started the orphanage after she lost her husband and two children in a flood.”
Chloe turned toward her. “How many children does she usually have here?”
Lillian shrugged. “Like I mentioned last night, sometimes there’s as many as twenty, but most of the children who are adopted are little, like babies and toddlers, sometimes a few if they’re younger than ten.
Older than that and the boys are often apprenticed to tradesmen in towns scattered throughout the region. ”
“What about the girls?”
Lillian sighed. “We try to educate them as best we can, but the older girls are a bit harder to place. Missus Sanderson tries to teach them skills that will help them get jobs as nannies or seamstresses. A couple of the older girls have been apprenticed to bakeries to learn the trade.”
As the buggy pulled into the yard, Chloe’s heart started racing again.
Her daughter couldn’t be here, not after all these years.
Certainly she’d been adopted by now. Perhaps Missus Sanderson would be able to provide her with some information about her, but she had to do that without Lillian knowing.
Doing so would be challenging. The fact that she didn’t want Lillian or her mother and especially Sheriff Nathaniel Cross to know her true reasoning for searching orphanages hither and yon wasn’t just because of the guilt she felt for leaving her child in one.
It wasn’t just the threats that constantly rang in her ears, from Silas and Everett both.
She dreaded that her past would catch up with her.
She would be ostracized. She might even be charged with conspiracy or something else for simply knowing them.
An image of Nathaniel flashed in her mind, bringing with it a blend of admiration, attraction, and fear.
On top of such thoughts, another one suddenly struck her.
Even if her daughter were here, would she recognize her?
She wanted to think so, but Eliza was six years old now.
She certainly wouldn’t recognize her own mother.
She glanced nervously at Lillian, her hands once again clasped in her lap.
Suddenly, she wanted to be far away. She wasn’t ready for this. “Lillian, I—”
At that moment, the front door of the orphanage burst open and children spilled out, laughing, shouting, and squealing as they headed for a side yard where a windbreak of red cedar trees and some elms cast shadows over a bit of green prairie grasses that had been cut down close to ground level.
She eyed the children of varying ages, from toddlers to a few older boys and girls.
Their clothes were in good condition and they looked well fed.
Their laughter floated on the air, prompting an ache in Chloe’s heart that refused to dissipate.
She blinked back tears, eyeing the children, casting her gaze over the younger ones.
Would her daughter take after her or Everett?
She swallowed, her heart breaking when she realized she wouldn’t know whether she was staring at a stranger or her own daughter. Then again, her daughter was a stranger to her just as she would be to her daughter.