Chapter 19
19
Once Lois signed her contracts, Moses retreated to his office with a sigh of relief. He felt like a fool, but Lois was back. His feelings were irrelevant.
Everything in the store had fallen apart in the last two and a half weeks. No one knew Lois’s method of inventory. No one knew when the deliveries were arriving or what needed to be ordered. Finally, Moses found Lois’s notes—thorough but hard to read—in the bottom drawer of the counter along with the file of invoices, but he wasn’t sure what orders to copy or what to change.
And he’d learned just how many birdhouses and feeders sold in the store and just how short they were on those items, due to his moratorium on ordering more. He also learned how many customers adored Lois, and how many local customers were loyal enough to her not to come into the shop at all once he’d fired her.
Sara wouldn’t be happy to hear he’d given Lois her job back, nor that he’d given her a contract for the job and the apartment. Sara wanted both. But Sara was stretched tight with the café to manage, and she wasn’t right for the shop position. Only Lois seemed to be.
On Tuesday morning, Moses spent a couple of hours in the office at the shop. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. He hadn’t had a letter from Jane at the Delaware mailbox on Saturday, but perhaps one had arrived now. With Lois back in the shop and Sara at the café and things going smoothly at the grocery store, he could drive to Byler’s Corner.
As he left Lancaster County, a raven sat on a fence post, watching him go. He’d been in denial about why he felt unsettled. Sure, there were several reasons, but there was one that he needed to deal with as soon as possible. And that was Sara. Five years ago, he hadn’t been interested in her despite her interest in him. But he’d been too timid to be firm with her. He’d hoped her feelings for him would go away. It was hard to believe now, but he’d been head over heels for Lois. Then, that night at the river, Sara had arrived acting as if she owned him, which sent Lois running. He knew it had been a risk for Lois to trust him—and he’d completely failed her by not making things clear with Sara at that moment. If he’d only figured out earlier in the evening that Sara had been drinking, perhaps he would have stood up to her.
After the accident, he was racked with guilt over Casey’s and Sara’s injuries. Neither had their seatbelts on and both had been thrown out of the car. He was also shaken by his father’s anger with him. And haunted by what-ifs. Mainly, what if they’d both been killed? But also, what if Lois hadn’t gotten a ride home with Mark Miller? What if he’d taken her home? What if he’d killed her?
He’d wondered what Lois thought of him—and yet he didn’t contact her. He didn’t even know she’d moved for several months. For the last five years, he thought of her when he drove by Paradise Found, about when she and her Mamm lived in the apartment. To be honest, he thought about her every day—thought about her being in Big Valley, most likely married with children. Not once did he think she’d returned to Paradise Township. He thought she’d made Big Valley her permanent home.
Had Lois been part of the reason he’d wanted to buy Paradise Found in the first place? The memory of her working there in the past?
His Dat’s death was traumatic. And then Moses had the weighty responsibility of caring for his Mamm and sorting out his father’s businesses and selling the farms to ensure he had enough money to care for her long term. Well, and to be honest, he’d never been interested in farming or even managing farms.
Once he decided not to join the Amish and join the Mennonites instead, Sara joined the Mennonites too—but it wasn’t until they started courting that she confessed he’d inspired her to do so.
When the café in Paradise went on the market, Sara arranged for Moses to speak with her uncle. She was delighted he was interested in buying a restaurant and said she’d help him with the café, even work there. She’d been wanting to get back to Paradise. She strongly encouraged him to buy it, even when he began to have doubts. She convinced him. That was his first mistake. Buying a business on someone else’s urging.
Casey was right. If marrying Sara was the right thing to do, he would have already.
He feared he never would have had a serious relationship with her if he hadn’t almost killed her, which wasn’t a reason to marry someone. Being alone certainly wasn’t reason enough to marry someone he didn’t love either.
When he reached Byler’s Corner, he pulled up in front of the mailbox. Down the block was the vacant market space. Come Friday, it would overflow with life. That’s what he wanted in Paradise too.
He unlocked his mailbox and pulled out a stack of envelopes. Bills and payments. And then a letter from Jane.
Had she written about a place to meet? He was doing the same thing he’d done five years ago when he knew Sara was interested in him—although this time he wasn’t in love with Lois. He was interested in Jane. And even if Jane didn’t turn out to be the right woman for him, Sara deserved better than being in a relationship with someone who could so easily fall for someone else, someone he hadn’t even met.
He needed to be honest with Sara before he met Jane. He couldn’t make the same mistake he’d made five years ago again.
He drove straight to the café. Sara’s car was in the parking lot.
When he entered through the front door, he saw her sitting at the back table. She noticed him, waved, and motioned him over. When he reached her, she said, “I’m taking my break.” She held up a cup of tea.
“Of course.” He sat down.
“Do you want a cup of coffee?”
“No, thank you.” He put his hat on the chair beside him.
“You look serious.” She flashed a smile. “You’re not firing me, are you?”
“No,” he said. “But I have something important I need to talk about.”
She cocked her head. “You’re breaking up with me.” She said it as a fact, not a question.
“Jah.”
“I knew it. You’ve been acting so weird, worse than usual.” She spoke rapidly. “It’s someone else, right? It’s Lois. I knew it. I heard you hired her back.”
“It’s not Lois.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. I care about you. I appreciate you. But I’m not in love with you. And I’m definitely not in love with Lois.” Moses took a deep breath. “I have been corresponding with someone from the birding circle letter. I haven’t met her yet, but I have feelings for her.”
Sara laughed with contempt. He couldn’t blame her.
“Good grief,” she said. “You’re dumping me for someone you’ve never met?”
“No. I’m not continuing our relationship because I’m not being fair to you. I need to be honest.”
Sara leaned toward him. “We’re good for each other. We have businesses to run together. We know we can build a good life. The rest doesn’t matter.”
Moses saw Sara for a moment as if for the first time. “You don’t love me either?”
“I decided years ago that you were the right man for me. And then I waited until you were ready.”
“I see.”
“I overlooked your awkwardness as a teenager and a young man. I saw the man you would become. I helped you become that man.”
“But you don’t love me?”
“Of course I love you—because I choose to love you. I want to be connected to you. I want to be with you.”
He couldn’t get past the fact that she wasn’t in love with him. It hurt his pride, and yet he hadn’t been in love with her either. Not only was he prideful, but he was hypocritical too.
“Well.” He stood. “Thank you for listening to me.”
“You can’t just leave.”
He glanced around the dining room. People quickly glanced away.
Sara looked up at him, her hazel eyes cold. “You need some space is all—you’ll figure out this fantasy girl isn’t who you think she is, and you’ll return to me. And that’s fine. I’ll take you back.”
Moses smiled faintly but barely felt it. It stayed on his lips without reaching his heart. Or soul. “I’m sorry, Sara. I truly am. I hope you can forgive me.”
“Of course I can forgive you—this isn’t the end. You’ll see. I’m giving you space for what—a month? Two months? Three?”
He shook his head.
“Three it is. We’ll figure things out then.”
Moses walked away. He expected her to follow him out the front door, but she didn’t. On the short drive to the shop he found himself thinking about Lois. If he hadn’t rolled Casey’s car, would he have found her the next day and explained he and Sara weren’t dating? If he hadn’t found her the next day, would he have followed her to Big Valley? He guessed so.
He’d been stupidly ornery to her when they were little because he hadn’t known how to be her friend even though he wanted to. Five years ago, when he’d realized how much he cared for her, he’d ruined that too. And then that day he’d seen her in Paradise Found, he’d reacted like a fool instead of showing how happy he was to see her again.
He was a fool.
When he reached the shop, he parked in the back and went straight to his office, intent on avoiding Lois. Then he firmly closed the door, sat down at the desk, and took out the letter from Jane.
Dear Menno.
It was the first time she’d addressed him—well, Menno—as Dear .
Thank you for your last letter and for asking me to choose a place to meet. Would the marsh on Meadow Lane in Paradise Township work for you? There’s a willow tree in the middle and several paths around the area. I’ve seen egrets, marsh wrens, bittern, snipes, a great blue heron, and many other birds on the property. Monday, July 8, at one p.m. would work for me. Let me know as soon as possible if that doesn’t work for you.
She added a nearby address and detailed directions, but—of course—he knew exactly where it was.
Then she wrote,
I stood on the side of the road and watched the sunset last night as it turned orange and then pink over the neighbor’s farm. What would it be like to head west—and keep on going? I’ve never seen the ocean, neither the Pacific nor the Atlantic. I’ve never left the state of PA. I’ve never seen a bird that’s not native to PA or migrating through, unless it’s an accidental. When I was younger, I dreamed of going to Costa Rica, where the ruby-throated hummingbirds winter. My dream seemed doable as a child. I know better now, but I’m not sad about it. I had the dream. It brought me immense joy. That is enough.
Warmly, Jane
Moses read her words again, feeling sad at her lost dream, even though she said it brought her joy. He took out his notebook and an envelope from his satchel and printed, from memory, Jane’s address on the envelope. Then he wrote on the notebook paper.
Dear Jane,
Thank you for your letter. Monday, July 8, at 1 p.m. at the marsh on Meadow Lane works perfectly for me. I look forward to seeing you then.
In regard to your desire to travel, I haven’t been far either. Thankfully, Pennsylvania is a big state with a lot to see, but I can understand your dream. I’ve longed to go birding in other states, besides Delaware, too. Perhaps even other countries. It all depends on what might fit my time and budget, meaning what the Lord allows. I hope you’ll keep dreaming too. You never know what the Lord might provide.
He sensed Jane had painful losses in her life too—and that money wasn’t plentiful. He appreciated her openness in sharing about her dream and a glimpse into her situation.
He wrote a paragraph about being in charge of the hummingbird feeder on his family’s farm when he was a boy and how much the birds liked his mother’s salvia.
The hummingbirds against the purple salvia was a beautiful combination. I often think of the image of the two when I remember my childhood. No doubt you have many similar images.
He signed the letter, Warmly, Menno .
He decided to drive into Lancaster to mail the letter. He didn’t have time to drive back to Delaware, and he needed to mail it before Saturday.
As he put the letter in the envelope, a knock fell on the door. “Moses?”
He flipped the envelope over. “Come in.”
The door opened and Lois appeared. Her blue eyes seemed larger and brighter than usual. He felt a pain in his chest as she said, “We only have three birdhouses left. I can place a phone order and have more by the end of the week.”
“All right.”
“How many should I order?”
“How many have we sold in the last month?”
“Fourteen.”
“How about twenty?”
“Sounds good.” She took a step backward.
“I’ve been thinking,” Moses said.
She stopped. “Jah?”
“Should we reinstall the birch tree? Maybe add some wire or something to make it more secure?”
She exhaled rather loudly. “Why don’t we both give it more thought and talk about it later.”
“All right.” He stared at the door as she pulled it shut. Lois was even prettier than she was five years ago. Perhaps as she’d grown more independent, she’d grown more attractive. She was a woman now—a strong woman. And beautiful.
He turned his attention back to the envelope, sealed it, stamped it, and then put it in his satchel.
As he drove to Lancaster a wave of hope swept through him. But then his phone dinged and a text message from Sara popped up on the SUV’s navigation screen. He didn’t open it.
He took Highway 30 and then turned left toward the post office when he reached downtown. When he parked he opened the text from Sara.
How is your day going?
Without replying, he climbed out of his SUV, stepped into the lobby, and dropped the letter through the slot with a flourish. He’d soon know if Jane was as incredible as she seemed. Hopefully Sara would give up on him sooner rather than later.
On Friday Moses arrived at Paradise Found to find Lois unboxing birdhouses. “Guder Mariye,” he said.
“Hallo.” She held up one of the birdhouses, which was a replica of an Amish house with a horse and buggy in front of it. “I think these are going to be big sellers.”
He stepped closer. The house looked like the one he grew up in. “Who made these?”
“Casey,” Lois answered. “He’s really improved his craftsmanship.”
“I want one.” Moses would hang it up outside Mamm’s window. Perhaps it would help her remember.
Lois handed him the birdhouse. “Take this one.”
“I need to pay for it,” Moses said.
Lois stepped to the register and rang up the sale. Moses handed her his debit card. After she handed him the receipt, he picked up the birdhouse. “Denki. Call my cell if anything comes up.”
Instead of going back to his office, he headed to the parking lot and then to the Green Hills Care Center.
Every time he walked down the hall to Mamm’s room, he noted there were no other Plain people in the center. But other Amish families had siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Other families had women who could help older members. He and Mamm were a family of two, not of fifty or a hundred or even two hundred as some of the three- and four-generation families in the area were.
He knocked on Mamm’s door, which was half open. No one answered. He pushed the door open. Mamm was sitting at the window watching a cardinal peck the feed in the acrylic bird feeder he’d hung a couple of months ago.
“Hallo, Mamm.” He held up the birdhouse. “I’ve brought you something.”
She turned toward him with a smile on her face, then clapped when she saw what he held in his hand.
“Casey made it.”
Mamm stood and took a step toward him. He held out his free hand, and she grasped it.
“It looks like our house, doesn’t it?”
“Jah.” She squeezed his hand.
“I’ll put it on your dresser where you can see it.” He positioned it in the middle. Perhaps she’d enjoy having it in her room.
She shuffled closer and touched the horse and the buggy. Then she ran her hand over the roof of the house. “Our house,” she said.
“Jah. Casey must have used it as his pattern.” He took her free hand in his. “Do you remember when we used to go birding?”
“Jah.”
“Dat would work on Saturdays and before he needed me as much, we’d take the buggy and go birding. Or sometimes hire a driver. A few times Dat came with us.”
“Jah,” she said again. And then, “Paul died in a buggy accident.”
“Paul?”
“Nee.” She shook her head. “It was a car accident. You were with him.”
“He was injured in an accident?”
“Jah,” she said. “He died later.”
“Was my mother—” Moses hesitated. “Was Paul’s wife with us?”
“Nee,” she said. “She was gone. He didn’t want her to find you.”
“Oh.” That wasn’t the story Moses had imagined. But perhaps Mamm was talking about a dream she’d had or a distorted memory. Or something that had happened to someone else. How could he know what was a legitimate memory and what wasn’t?
“Mamm.” He squeezed both of her hands. “Would you like to go birding today? Right now?”
She broke out into a smile. “Jah.”
It took a while to get her ready to go and out to his SUV. On a whim, he decided to go to the marsh on Meadow Lane. It was only a short distance away, and Mamm might not do well being away from the care center for long.
As they rounded the curve of the lane before the marsh, Mamm said, “That’s Lois’s house ahead. Beth and Randall’s farm.”
“It was,” Moses said. “It’s not anymore.”
He slowed and pulled over under the willow tree. He took his mother’s walker out of the back first. He figured she could sit under the willow tree and look through his binoculars. Hopefully something would turn up.
Maybe Jane would. She might live close by. Of course, she wouldn’t recognize him if she did. Every time a buggy passed by Moses glanced at the driver. Most were men, but one was a woman in her twenties he didn’t recognize. But then the head of a little boy popped up in the back.
Jane was right—there were marsh wrens and an egret in the middle of the marsh. Mamm could see the egret. Then a blue heron swooped down.
“Awww,” Mamm said.
“Awww,” Moses repeated.
After thirty minutes, he said, “I need to get you back to the care center.”
“He loved you,” Mamm said. “Paul did. He told us not to tell. He said it would be best.”
Moses’s head jerked backward in surprise. “Not to tell me I was adopted?”
“Jah,” she said. “Faith’s brother was tall. I’m sorry.”
Moses wasn’t sure how to respond. Finally, he asked, “What was Faith’s maiden name?”
“Byler.”
“Byler? As in Byler’s Corner?”
“Jah.”
“Why didn’t I ever know that?” It was one property in Dat’s portfolio Moses hadn’t sold.
His mother answered, “We loved you.”
“I know.” He bent down and put his arm around her. “I’ve always known you loved me.”
Mamm looked up at him. “Take me home.”
Moses knew she didn’t mean the Green Hills Care Center when she said the word home , but it was the only place he could take her.
On the way back, he thought about his Dat coming to the hospital the night Moses rolled Casey’s car. It was the only time his father had ever been angry with him. And he’d been livid.