Chapter 11
Eleven
Zamir
Fuck, I wanted another taste.
My hunger had been quiet since I fed from Keoni, but one taste of Nolan's life force had it roaring again. It'd been so potent, so powerful. All the life forces I'd tasted in my life—including the human ones—paled in comparison, and I wanted more.
I shook my head, swallowed hard against the hunger burning my insides, and glared at Nolan.
"Why did you do that?" I demanded again. I needed an answer, needed him to tell me it'd been an accident, that he hadn't ignored my request because he felt like it, because he thought he knew what was best for me. It would make him too much like the man I'd run away from all those years ago.
Nolan sighed, and for a moment, I could see his age on his twentysomething face. He looked tired. No, not tired. Defeated.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to trick you like that. It's just... Zamir, I can feel your aura, your magic, and it's weak. It tells me you didn't feed as well as you should've, that you haven't eaten enough in years."
"I take what I need."
Nolan shook his head, then squeezed my hand, like he was worried I might pull away.
"No, you don't. I can see that you don't, and I want to help."
I shook my head as my heart started racing again. No way. I couldn't risk that. It'd been years since I'd been full, and I didn't know what I would do if he gave me free access to his life force. I might hurt him. Or worse.
"Zamir, I..." He trailed off, his brows furrowed as he struggled to say what he wanted to. "Give me a minute."
He shot to his feet before I could say anything, and hurried toward his bedroom. I watched him go, my mind a mess. My eyes went to the exit, and I contemplated getting up and leaving. I'd text him later safely from the Sanctuary, and we'd figure something out.
Before I could make up my mind, Nolan returned with an old, leather journal cradled in his hands. He held it like it was the most precious thing he possessed, and he settled beside me, then held it out to me.
"What is it?" I asked as I took it, careful to be gentle.
A sad smile flickered over his face. "An album. Memories of all the people I've loved. And lost."
I glanced down at the thick tome, and my heart ached for him.
I'd never lost someone I loved. I'd never gotten to know my mother, and any love I'd had for my father had disappeared long before we parted ways.
I couldn't imagine losing Keoni, Shade, or one of my other friends, and here Nolan was, carrying a lifetime of loss.
His hesitation about our bond was understandable.
If I were in his place, I'd have closed off my heart a long time ago. And yet he'd let me in.
"Some of them," he murmured as he traced his fingers over the worn cover, "I lost to old age.
Some were killed, others died in accidents.
Some got sick. I couldn't do anything for any of them.
I couldn't save them." He shook his head, then met my gaze, his green eyes pleading.
"But I can help you, Zamir. Please. Let me help you. "
I swallowed hard, weakening against his insistence. But no. I couldn't do it.
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't."
"You don't know that."
"You won't hurt me, Zamir. You're my mate."
I sighed. How did I get him to understand? "I will, Nolan. I will hurt you, because that's what monsters do."
His grip on my hand tightened, almost painfully so, and I could see some of his fire dragon side shine through his eyes. "You're not a monster. Why would you ever think that?"
"I am," I said, a sad smile on my lips as I thought about the night I'd discovered that fact. "All shtrigas are."
I knew I couldn't convince Nolan, not until I told him about it. About that night. So, that was exactly what I did.
****
"Can I really do it myself?" I asked, hurrying after my dad as he led the way through the woods.
I was seven years old today, and Dad had decided I was finally old enough to feed myself.
Shtrigas didn't eat like humans did, and until now, Dad had been feeding me because I hadn't been old enough to do it myself. Until now.
"Is it far?" I asked, and Dad grunted. I took it to mean 'no,' and grinned. Dad had explained the basics to me, and I went through them again in my mind so I'd know exactly what to do once we got there.
First, Dad would use his magic to put them to sleep—or make sure they didn't wake up if they were already sleeping—and then I'd put my mouth near theirs and suck like you did with a straw, which would draw their life force out through their mouth and into mine.
Once I was full, I would stop, and we would leave them in peace.
It all sounded so easy, and I wondered why I couldn't have done it before today.
It didn't sound hard at all, and I was going to show that to Dad.
If I did well, he'd be proud of me. Maybe he would even give me a hug.
Or a pat on the back, like I'd seen that human dad give to his son that time we went to the market for supplies.
"There," Dad said, and I followed his gaze to a tent pitched in the middle of a small clearing. Smoke lazily drifted from a banked fire, and I wondered if they'd sat around it making s'mores and chatting. I'd never had s'mores before, but the advertisement I'd seen had made them look delicious.
I followed Dad to the tent, and he stopped in front of it, closing his eyes as he held his palm up, making sure the humans were asleep so they wouldn't see us. The biggest rule all supernatural beings like us had to follow was to never reveal ourselves to humans.
Nodding to himself, Dad unzipped the tent, and we snuck inside. Two humans were curled up in a large sleeping bag, their arms wrapped around each other. They must be mates. Wait, no. Humans didn't have fated mates like supes did. Boyfriend and girlfriend, then.
"Watch me do it first, then you can try. Okay?"
I wanted to tell him he didn't need to show me, that I knew what to do, but I didn't want to annoy him, so I stayed quiet and nodded.
Dad went to his knees, bending forward as he leaned closer to the man, their mouths a few inches apart, and breathed in. Light blue wisps slipped out of the human's mouth and into Dad's, and Dad closed his eyes as he kept drawing more and more of the human's life force.
I joined him on the floor, watching, and I fell back when the human moved. He wasn't awake, but his body was shaking, shuddering in place like he wanted to get away but couldn't.
"Dad? What's happening?" I demanded, shuffling further back as the human continued shaking, his chest rising up before falling back to the ground. As blood started dripping out of his mouth, I realized the human was dying. Dad was killing him. "Dad! You need to stop."
The blue wisps stopped coming out of the man's mouth, and Dad sat back with a sigh. He opened his eyes, giving me an annoyed look as I reached forward and placed my hand on the human's chest. No movement, no air passing through his lungs. Dad had killed him.
"Why did you do that?"
"What are you on about? It doesn't matter. Go on, it's your turn."
I eyed the woman, and imagined doing to her what Dad had done to the man. No way. I couldn't. I wasn't a monster.
"You killed him."
"What did you think would happen, boy? We feed on their life force. There's no life without it."
"C-Couldn't we take a little? Just enough to survive?"
"Why would we do that?" Dad asked, like he couldn't fathom why I'd even entertain the idea.
"Because we're not monsters!"
Dad snorted, then grabbed my arm, pulling me toward the woman. "Humans kill each other every day, kid. At least we're doing it to feed ourselves. It's the natural order, nothing more."
I shook my head, refusing to believe that. There had to be another way. I didn't want to be a monster. Except... wasn't I already?
Dad had been feeding me for years. How many humans had he killed to keep me alive? And why was my life worth more than theirs?
I felt nauseated as I stared at the dead human, wondering how many bodies Dad had left behind in his wake, and how many of them had been for me.
"Come on—I don't have all night. If you aren't going to eat, I will."
I gazed at the woman, feeling sorry for her, wishing I could save her. I wasn't strong enough to take away Dad's magic. I couldn't wake her. I couldn't do anything.
"I won't," I said, jerking my arm out of Dad's hold and stumbling to my feet.
I rushed out of the tent, knowing Dad wouldn't follow me until he'd fed on the woman too.
I raced through the woods as tears filled my eyes. I didn't need to see to find my way home.
Branches scraped against my arms and smacked into my face as I ran, but I didn't care. The dead man's face was all I could see.
I was a monster. My dad was a monster. All Shtrigas were monsters.
We shouldn't be alive. None of us deserved to live.
I'd rather die than kill innocent humans so I could continue living.
Reaching our cabin, I went inside, hurrying to my room and shutting and locking the door behind me. It wouldn't keep Dad out for long, but I didn't care. I was sure I was in for one hell of a lecture, but I didn't care about that either. Or about getting Dad to like me. Or praise me.
He was a monster, and I didn't want to be like him. I didn't need him to like me. Not anymore.
Throwing myself on my bed, I buried my face in my pillow, finally letting out the sobs I'd been holding back since I watched the man die.
I'm a monster, I'm a monster, a monster... The words rang through my mind again and again, and I wished I'd never existed.