The Sidekick

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Tera

“I feel awesome when I am nourished, and I deserve to feel that way,” I say quietly and unclasp my hands from the weird prayer position I’ve taken over my cheeseburger.

Shade ignores me as he looks around the restaurant, expecting an attack from random strangers I guess. He’s paranoid today.

Right after he left last night, Dr. Robinson called, and I did pick up the phone. I’m delighted I did, too. She was a great help and didn’t make me feel dumb about it at all. My food affirmation worked this morning at breakfast, even if it was just a granola bar. And now lunch looks delicious.

“What did you do for work last night?” I try to engage my suddenly jumpy friend in conversation.

“Why do you ask?” He questions sharply, and I rear back in surprise.

“Because I thought you were more the computer guy now? And you have a black eye? Should I be nervous too?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replies in a flat tone that I don’t believe for a second.

“Ok,” I drop it and bite my burger, humming happily. This actually tastes amazing today. Things are looking up.

“Hey, Tera.”

Never mind, everything tastes like poop, and it looks like rain.

I swallow thickly, forcing the bite down to mutter, “Hi, Max.”

“Uh, would you mind if I join you?” He asks awkwardly as I stare at the burger like it betrayed me.

Shade kicks out a chair. Even though it hits Max in the legs, he chokes a thanks out and sits down. I transfer my glare to Shade, the true traitor in my midst.

“I’m not saying shit to you,” Max glares at him as he sets his plate down. “You apparently hit like a freight train, and I’m not in the mood to find out what that feels like.”

“Shade?” I fit a million questions into that one word, and he smirks back at me smugly. Then he picks up his phone, even though it hasn’t chimed, and pretends to read a text.

“I’m out,” he says flatly and stands.

“You’re the worst,” I glare at him as Max looks back and forth between us with a frown.

“Duty calls,” he shrugs and walks away without remorse.

“He’s just going to leave you here with me?” Max asks in disgruntled surprise. “That’s bold.”

“No, it’s rude,” I glare at my now judgy burger.

“If you don’t like it, you should break up with him,” he shrugs with tense shoulders and takes a massive bite of his food. I’m in the middle of envying him for his healthy relationship with his meal when his words hit.

“We aren’t dating,” I scoff. In my distraction, I take another bite of my own food.

He frowns at me, “So it’s just sex?”

I can’t keep my laughter inside. “He’s practically an older brother at this point. Or a dictator.”

“What?”

“And he’s in love,” I mock him at his blatant surprise.

“No,” he shakes his head sharply with a scowl. “He beat the shit out of Trevor last night in the middle of the bar. For you. He’s in love with you.”

“He did what?” My mouth drops open in dismay. I know how he got the black eye now, the little liar. No wonder he was preparing himself for an attack. “Oh my gosh, is he ok?”

“He’s fine, for a miserable patient,” Max waves that away as he studies me. That comforts me a little. At least enough to not feel so guilty for the jolt of pure glee that struck before the worry.

I frown after Shade even though he’s no longer in my sight. “That guy is too much. He loves me but as a sister, Max. Whatever he did to… your boss, he did it as a brother, not a boyfriend. If you brought up sex and me in the same sentence, he would gag.”

He leans back and stares at me harder as I shake my head. Andi brought up my buying one of the toys from work, and the horrified look of disgust on his face runs through my mind.

“He told Andi if she bought me a vibrator, he was going to shove it down the garbage disposal to save on his therapy bills,” I crack up, looking at Max to share in the humor. He stares back with a heavy frown.

“Oh my gosh, if you don’t believe me, just ask him.” I roll my eyes and pull up Shade’s last text message.

Me: Max doesn’t believe you’re like a brother to me. He’s reading this BTW. How do people NOT KNOW THIS?

His response takes a minute as I lay the phone down so Max can read it and go back to the struggle of eating. I want to repeat my words of affirmation to see if it helps, but not in front of Max.

When the photo of a text conversation comes in, I blow it up absently and start reading. Then I gag and shove my food away from me.

“Wow,” Max says with a chuckle. “His sext game is strong.”

“Oh gosh, I need help. Is there brain bleach? Please say there is. I might throw up.” I gasp as the realization of who was responding in the picture hits me. “Oh my gosh, YES! He’s doing it! They’re finally starting to give in! And he never told me, that jerk. He has some serious explaining to do. I changed their birth certificates already.”

Max starts laughing so hard that tears well up in his eyes. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”

I look at him in confusion, “I’ve been asking to meet up with you. That’s your fault, not mine. Please do me a favor and delete that. I can’t see that ever again.”

Goodbye, burger. I’m never going to be able to eat you now. I push the plate even farther away.

Max picks the phone up, and I hear the refreshing sound of something being deleted.

“Thank you,” I say emphatically. “You can hold that phone until the memory leaves, too. I feel like it’s been contaminated by his perviness.”

“At least it wasn’t a dick pic,” he says sweetly, and I gag again.

“Please stop,” I whine and drink water as my eyes blur with tears.

My phone chimes with Shade’s text tone, and I eye it warily.

Max laughs again as he reads, “He says I can have the pointers for free since I suck at sex.”

“He’s such a jerk.” I shake my head.

“I should have saved that picture and sent it to Trevor.”

“That makes me want to puke twice as bad,” I shudder in disgust. “It might make its way back to me, and I’ll be haunted forever.”

My reaction causes him to laugh so hard it takes him several minutes to catch his breath.

“I thought he was a stone-cold killer,” Max shakes his head and picks up his burger. I glance at him from the corner of my eye and tread carefully.

“Shade is just really private. Please don’t go around telling people about that text. I shouldn’t have asked him to prove himself to you.” I frown as I think of how much Shade put out there at my request. I owe him some chocolates for that, at the very least.

“I won’t. I’m just relieved more than anything.”

I nod absently as he finishes his meal and eyes mine. My body tenses, waiting for the inevitable question as I refuse to meet his gaze.

“I was going to get a shake to go. Would you like one?”

I eye him warily.

“Chocolaty goodness? How can you pass that up?” He grins at me and stands, offering me his hand.

I frown and then slap my hand in his. “What could it hurt?”

He doesn’t let go as he orders, and I stare at my hand in his, willing myself to pull away. But the simple contact feels like so much more to me, and I don’t want to let go. Once we have our shakes and stand outside, I want to slap myself in the face.

“He bailed on me. Again.”

“Shade drove you?” Max gives me a grin and swings our hands back and forth like a child. It feels so good and silly.

“Yes. He does this to me all the time, dang it. Worst bestie ever. It’s official, he’s the dictator today.”

“I’ll take you home,” Max laughs and pulls me towards his truck.

I finish the shake within minutes, and it shocks me. Max just found a ‘food’ that I don’t struggle with! I don’t have a problem drinking anything, and it never occurred to me before. I start immediately planning on finding recipes for shakes and smoothies.

“Can I have my phone back?” I ask excitedly.

“Sure,” he hands it over and frowns a little. “Did you even ask anyone to give the other one back?”

“Of course,” I roll my eyes. “When Andi and Shade team up, I throw in the towel. I’ve learned my lesson. They have no mercy.”

“That tracks.”

I give him directions as I flip through the internet, saving a lot of recipes in my new Happy folder.

“I need to get a blender,” I mutter as I scroll. “Oh, this is it. Number 27.”

His eyes flick between the road and what I’m looking at. “I have an extra blender if you want one. And some protein powder.”

“You drink smoothies?” I ask in surprise. It’s like I’ve discovered a whole new world, and he’s now my guide.

“Yeah, it helps fill me up after a workout without binge eating.”

“It’s like magic.”

“I’ll give you some of my favorite recipes,” he smiles back at me gently.

“That would be amazing! Thank you.”

It isn’t until I’m inside that I realize he’s followed me. He stands looking around the space for the first time.

I look around myself, trying to see everything through fresh eyes. There’s hardly any sign that I live here. All of the furniture is Shade’s, all of the decorations too. I haven’t put my signature touch on anything here. It’s all masculine and shades of gray and black with dark wood accents. I never really noticed until now.

“Where’s all the color?” Max asks tightly, hands shoved into his pockets as he watches me looking around.

“I haven’t thought about it, I guess,” I frown. I haven’t been in a neon color mood like I used to. It seems too garish and off-putting now.

His jaw clenches and unclenches as his eyes skate around again. “Is this all his stuff?”

“Yeah,” I shrug and open the fridge, checking to see what I need to add to the grocery list to make my new meals. I’m not giving up on solid food, but Shade is right. I need something to keep me going until I can handle the meals I’ll have trouble with.

I pull a pad of paper and pen out of the drawer by the stove to start making notes.

“It’s like you’re just waiting to leave.”

I look up at him in surprise. He’s staring down at the beige carpet, and I can’t see his expression, but his shoulders are so tight they’re hiked up near his ears.

“I’m not leaving,” I glance around again, trying to see what he did to make him think that.

His head comes up, and he watches me warily. “Are you sure?”

I stand up straight and look him in the eyes so he can see my determination.

“I have a job I like. I have a place to stay and stuff to eat,” when I feel like I can eat it, “there’s also the fact that Shade would just drag my butt back here. He’s convinced we’re best friends even when I tell him we’re not. He won’t let it go. He’s a dictator.”

“Is that what you need? Someone who won’t let go?” His grim tone shakes me a little. It isn’t grumpy Max or angry Max facing me right now. This man is determined to get answers to his questions, no matter how they affect him.

“I don’t know,” I answered him honestly. “I don’t think I’ve ever known what I need before. At least, not until someone tells me. Have you?”

“Some things, yeah. Not everything, though,” he admits, his shoulders beginning to relax.

I nod thoughtfully. “I got therapy, you know. While I was gone. It’s been helping me a lot.”

He looks surprised and dismayed at the same time. “Why? You’re perfect the way you are.”

I give him a small, disbelieving smile. “Was I perfect when I ran away and hid with no idea what I was doing, even while it was happening? No. I threw my phone out of my car while driving down the highway, Max. The most perfect thing I’ve ever done for myself is to admit I needed some help and get it. I’m not ashamed of that.”

“You shouldn’t be,” he agrees and scowls, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean to make it sound like it’s dumb or anything. I love how you are, even when you think you aren’t perfect. I don’t see what you do when I look at you.”

I scoff a laugh, trying to push away the emotions he’s stirring up. I don’t want him to comfort me because that will lead me back into the danger zone of feelings.

“I’m serious.” He takes the steps to be right across the bar counter from me. “We all screw up, Tera. All of us. That doesn’t make us less as people or even wrong. I fuck up almost daily, and you know what? I own that shit, just like you do. I used to never ask for help outside of Trevor, even when I needed it. I act like an asshole to get what I want. Does it make me wrong? Probably. But I like the way I am. I accept myself. Maybe this doctor will help you like you as much as I do, I don’t know. Maybe you need all of us to convince you. Who gives a shit as long as you get there?”

I swallow hard, struggling to keep my Shade imitation face in place.

“I’m not going away.” He says it slowly as he leans forward. “I’ll hold your hand the entire time if you let me. If you don’t, I’ll follow behind to make sure you don’t fall.”

I bite down on my inner cheek as hard as possible to keep my emotions in check. How dare he try and give me some kind of comfort when he can’t be with me? I begin to get angry at the disillusionment that thought brings up.

“Stop it,” I turn away sharply so he can’t see the anger beginning to fill me. My hands shake as I reopen the fridge for something to focus on. The cold air hits my flushed face, cooling me.

“No,” he snaps back as I bury my head in the shelves. “What do I have to do for you to get it?”

“Oh, I get it, alright,” I glare at the innocent milk. I’m surprised it doesn’t curdle the way I’m staring. “You want some little sex toy to spice up your relationship. I’m not interested.”

He sucks in a sharp breath, and suddenly he’s gripping my bicep, pulling me out of the fridge and spinning me to face him. The rage there surprises me, but I don’t take the words back. They’re the truth, and he knows it. I’m not falling back into that trap. I maintain the anger until he pulls me into his chest and tightly wraps his arms around me.

His body is warm and familiar, his cologne comforting and everything I’ve been looking for so desperately and not finding. He smells like coming home, and I hate him for it a little bit because it’s a lie my body is trying to convince my heart to give in to.

“You don’t get anything,” his face is buried in my neck as he inhales deeply and releases it in a heated breath that sends goosebumps slipping down my arms. “You think I invite women between me and Trevor all the time, don’t you? You think we just use people and throw them away. Fucking Trevor, man. He fucks up more shit than I do, and that’s saying something.”

I flinch as he mentions his boyfriend, reminding me I’m one of those things he messed up. I try to pull away from Max, but he refuses to let go, backing me into the closed fridge door as he groans.

“Please don’t. Don’t pull away from me.”

“Don’t do this,” I beg quietly. I’m holding onto the suddenly unraveling threads of my strength with both hands as tightly as possible, refusing to wrap my arms around him.

“I have to. He. Fucking. Lied. It only took him five minutes to push you away. That’s exactly how long it took to get his meds. I should have never left you alone with him. I thought he was finally seeing you, the real you. Not the bitter filter we both use on everyone.”

“He saw me alright,” I say flatly, turning my face away in the only rejection of this embrace I can do. He saw and used what he knew to rip me into pieces, just like everyone else.

“He didn’t see shit,” he says through gritted teeth, and his arms tighten almost painfully. “I’ve seen you. I know what it’s like for your affection to wash over me, cleaning every bad thing I’ve ever done away. No one has ever made me feel like that before. I want that every day. Yeah, I want to fuck you so bad I can’t stand it, so what? I also want to lie with you and hold you close. I want you to tell me every secret you have because you know you can trust me. I want to give you all of mine because you’re the only person who would give a shit about them.”

“That’s not true,” I choke out, trying not to let the tears fall now that they’ve pooled in my eyes. “If he didn’t care about them, you wouldn’t be with him.”

“This isn’t about him. This is about you. Us. I want anything you’ll give me, even if I have to wait,” despite his words, he begins pressing the softest kisses along the sensitive skin above my collarbone, causing a soul-weakening shudder to go down my spine.

Max isn’t the one who hurt me. He welcomed me with open arms and panty-melting flirtation. He’s never made me feel like the worst version of myself. I’m punishing him for the actions of other people, and I know it. How do I stop and keep my heart intact? Can I pause this and call Dr. Robinson?

“You say it isn’t about him, but it is,” my voice shakes heavily, and I’m weak because, like a fool, I tilt my head to give him better access for his kisses. “There is no you without him.”

Max buries his face in my neck, taking deep, shuddering breaths as his hands work restlessly up and down my back. “Tell me what happened. Tell me, and I’ll fix it.”

“You can’t fix this, Max.” I laugh weakly and bury my face into his shoulder, finally relenting and snaking my arms around his waist to hold him. If only he could fix it. Fix me.

He draws back and tilts my face up with one hand, staring at me hungrily as his eyes wander over my face, taking in every emotion and tear blatantly displayed now that the mask has fallen.

“Here’s your first lesson in being with me. Are you listening? If I can’t fix it, I will rip that motherfucker into pieces and make him start from scratch. Again. You’re it for me, and if he doesn’t get his shit together, that’s on him.”

“Max,” I protest with a frown filled with worry. “Please don’t do that. You can’t cut him out because you found something to play with.”

His lips slam into mine in a kiss hard enough to force my head back. When he draws away, I stare at him with wide eyes, taking in his absolute rage at my words. “You are not something to play with. You’re mine, and I’m yours. We’ll figure it out.”

I can’t let him do this, right?

“How long have you two been together, Max?” As I ask the question, I realize I don’t know anything about either of them except their jobs. Oh my gosh, and I gave him a hand job.

His head tilts with his confusion as my face heats to an unbearable degree.

“Um, maybe we should… slow down?” I cringe as I ask.

“Slow down?” His eyebrows rise far enough to almost meet his hairline.

“We don’t even know each other,” I explain. “We worked together, but it’s not like we talked.”

“You talked all the time,” his lips tilt into a smirk.

“But I don’t know anything about you, Max,” I insist. It’s a given that he probably knows my whole life story. I’d probably tell a stranger…. Wait, I did that too. Jeez.

He blinks down at me in confusion, but his hands don’t stop the gentle strokes up and down my back.

“Ok,” he sighs and looks over my head at the fridge as his brow furrows. “Ok. What do you want to know?”

I come up blank and stare at him with my mouth open stupidly.

He chuckles and rubs his nose against mine affectionately. “Let’s see. Trevor and I met when I was seventeen. He was best friends with a guy I knew, but we’d never met. He’s older than me, so we ran in different crowds. Anyway, the guy convinced Trev that I had stolen some money from him, a total fucking lie, and he wanted to get it back. Here I am, pissing myself because some guy that looks like he chews nails for breakfast is asking me about some money I didn’t have.” He breaks into a light laugh, his eyes distant as he remembers. His face has softened from its usual frowning into the slightest smile as he talks, and I feel my heart fall for this man, even though I know nothing about him. So I listen as he continues with a tiny smile.

“Instead of beating the shit out of me, he asks me if I have it, and since I’m an ass, I started an argument. By the time it was all done, Trev said he would just pay the guy with his own money, so I’d shut up.”

That sounds like something the person I thought I knew would do.

“So a year later I’m looking for work. College wasn’t for me, and I needed money, so I figured, why not a bar? Meet chicks, drink on the job, that kind of shit. Totally not what I got. Trev already worked there as a bartender. I’d never been attracted to a guy, but it was just… perfect. But he had a girlfriend, so there was no way.”

That sounds familiar. I wonder what happened to her? Did they try to become a trio as well?

Max’s face darkens as something in his memory stirs up some anger. “He got into an accident, which messed up his leg, from hip to ankle. They broke up pretty quick after.”

I duck my head into his chest as I piece a few things together. Maybe his leg is as much of an insane rage trigger as my seeing food. That would explain a lot of things. Does understanding equal forgiveness? No, it doesn’t. I’m not going to ask Max anything about it. If his boss wanted me to know anything, he would tell me. It sounds like he has a much more mature outer shell to repel people, and I’m not sure if I want to get past it. If I don’t try, I might as well kiss Max goodbye now.

“I was trying to help him with his leg that day, and he blew up,” I confess and shake my head at how stupid it all sounds. His rage and my freak-out were not a good mix. I can’t see him trying to improve himself if he hasn’t before. At least I’m getting help for my issues, but I’m nowhere near strong enough yet to go head-to-head with him. I can admit that.

Max releases a pent-up breath and nods. “He told me that. He didn’t tell me what he said to make you run, though.”

“He said I was for you, and he wasn’t interested in being coddled.”

Max leans back so I can see his frown. “Ok, he told me that too. But why did you run?”

I press my lips together tightly as I try to figure out how much I feel comfortable telling him. What if he agrees with Satan? What if he changes his mind and realizes I’m just a sidekick and not worth the effort?

I try to calm myself down before I have a panic attack. Those aren’t fun, and I’d like to avoid them as much as possible. I’m jumping too far ahead here. Just because we’re both interested does not mean it’s happily ever after. I can hear that thought in Dr. Robinson’s voice now. I can handle this. I can!

“Why didn’t you discuss this with me before we got… intimate? Then we could have all been on the same page.” From everything I’ve read about interactions with a submissive, there need to be rules laid out beforehand so I won’t get hurt, just like in that situation. I’m partially at fault for that, but wouldn’t it be common decency to lay it out there?

Max’s face turns red as his eyes slide away from mine. “That’s my fault. I tend to push things faster than I should. Trev usually keeps me in line, and I’ve relied too much on him. I didn’t think he would let it go that far, but I couldn’t resist when it did. It felt perfect, and I wanted it so bad that I didn’t consider the consequences. I swear to you, if I had known you would run, I never would have-”

“No,” I interrupt him and wait until I have his attention again. I squirm as his eyes meet mine. “I wanted what happened, and you shouldn’t feel bad about that. We just should have talked. I feel really naive about most of it, but not that.”

“Communication is the only way this kind of thing works,” he agrees. It sounds like he’s quoting someone.

“I don’t think we should have any kind of agreement right now.” When he goes to protest, I step back. “I can’t even look at… anyway, I’m just saying it will take me a little time before I can actually hear whatever he has to say. You can learn a little patience, and he can get over himself.”

He bursts into laughter as he stumbles back in surprise.

“Please don’t tell him I said that,” I try to hold the words back, but now they’re out there. How angry would he get if he heard me talk about him that way? Instead of taking it as the weakness it is, Max nods and holds out his pinky to promise me in the most childish way. I love it.

“He’ll never know.”