3. MAN HUNT
THREE
MAN HUNT
‘So, now I’ve made a start on my weight problem, do you think I should start looking for a nice man?’ Tess asked. She knew Orla was an expert on this matter, since she was forever in search of a man. They were in the shop dressing up Dolly, the window dummy, in springtime yellow – with weddings in mind.
‘Well, poor David’s been gone a couple of years now, and it’s time you had some fun,’ Orla said. ‘And just think how nice it would be to have someone to go to the wedding with!’
‘That’s what I was thinking,’ Tess said. Orla’s thoughts were coinciding with her own; it would be wonderful to have someone to escort her, and Tess imagined herself arriving at the church on the arm of a good-looking man.
‘I suppose I should get out more,’ she replied pensively.
Orla was hell-bent on finding herself another partner, although she wasn’t keen on the idea of marriage. And, although Tess valued her independence in some ways, deep down she’d like to be one of a couple again. She’d missed the warmth of a close relationship after Gerry had taken off. Food had become a substitute and it was then she gained that first stone. Then she’d had a few years with David; poor David, who met such an untimely demise. As Tess added a row of pearls round Dolly’s neck she thought about David again.
David, who fancied himself as a Jamie Oliver type, cooked with butter and cream and all things delicious. He also drove a red Jaguar E-Type like a bat out of hell. He, too, had been married but had no children. Tess often thought that, if she’d met David instead of Gerry all those years ago, the marriage would have survived. He was a kind, friendly man, and she’d loved him deeply. He was a soulmate as Gerry had never really been. And he was such an excellent cook! She’d gained the second stone around that time. But they’d had only three years together before David had the massive heart attack, whilst navigating that hairpin bend at seventy miles an hour, which hailed the end of both man and machine. Tess was devastated. He had meant so much to her. She’d been desperate to find some comfort somewhere, and had found it in Jaffa Cakes and a little glass of something with which to wash them down. A packet every evening, and another half stone.
There had been no one since, but now Tess felt she was ready for a close relationship again. Was that because Amber was getting married shortly? Well, that didn’t make sense because Amber had been living with Peter for years, so why did she suddenly feel this need, this feeling of being incomplete? All she knew was that it would be very nice to have a soulmate once more. Or, if not a soulmate, then even someone to go out with occasionally, or to go on holiday with. She hadn’t been on a proper holiday for three whole years; only a few days in Edinburgh for a friend’s wedding, when it had rained the whole time, and a spa weekend with Orla. Now she longed to feel the sun on her face once again! And perhaps with a nice male companion. But she’d never quite been brave enough to do anything about it. And she had no intention of admitting this to Amber, because she knew Amber would say something like, ‘You’re fine as you are, Mum.’ Her daughter, like most young people, reckoned that once you were over sixty there was no need whatsoever for love and romance, since you’d got one foot firmly in the grave. But like it or not, life was still designed for twosomes. And she didn’t want to be forever one of that motley collection of divorcees and widows huddling together at social events.
‘So, where are all these widowers and divorced men?’ Tess asked.
‘We outlive them,’ Orla said. ‘So there’s not many around and they’re difficult to find.’
Orla should know; she’d been trying for long enough.
As Tess pondered over the problem, Amber breezed into the shop.
Tess gazed at her long-limbed daughter and thought, I used to look like that! But Tess’s body had taken more than its fair share of punishment: the pregnancies, the hysterectomy, the menopause, the breast cancer. In theory, she thought, I should surely be one hell of a lot thinner… but nature had other ideas.
‘I know you’re busy, Mum,’ Amber said, pecking her mother on the cheek. ‘But I’ve come to ask you a big favour.’
Tess wondered what was coming.
‘I’d love it if you could make me my wedding dress.’
For a moment, Tess felt tears pricking her eyes. She took a deep breath. ‘I’d love to,’ she said.
‘Thing is, Mum, I’ve seen this dress in Harrods which is absolutely stunning. And so is the price – we’re talking telephone numbers here. So I took a couple of photos of it when no one was looking and I’ve made some sketches.’ Amber produced a folder from the depths of her shoulder bag. ‘Here we are! As you can see, it’s absolutely plain, elegant, understated, classic…’
Tess studied Amber’s sketch. The dress was slim-fitting, full-length and boat-necked with elbow-length sleeves. Tess knew only too well that something that looked so simple wasn’t at all simple; it would require intricate cutting, seaming and finishing. One wrong stitch would stand out a mile on such a classic design, and that was why Harrods were charging a fortune. But she knew she could do it. And how wonderful it would be to make something so beautiful for her slim, lovely daughter, instead of the marquee-like creations she was normally asked to produce.
‘It’s a beautiful design, Amber.’
‘Isn’t it? And of course I’ll pay you, Mum, but not as much as Harrods are asking!’
‘No, darling, it will be my gift to you. But we need to talk about the fabric – silk, probably.’
‘Mum, you’re an angel!’
When Gerry had made his exit almost eleven years previously Amber was twenty-three and Matt twenty-one, both old enough to know that ‘these things happen’. But nevertheless they were both shattered and Matt had rarely spoken to his father since, while it took nearly four years of Gerry’s cajoling before Amber agreed to make contact with him again. And now even Ursula, unaffectionately known as ‘Arsula’, or even ‘the Arse’ to both Amber and her mother, had used her considerable charm to persuade Amber that it was only right that Gerry should walk his daughter down the aisle.
Tess felt a little resentful because she’d been prepared to give Amber away herself if necessary, and Matt too had offered to do the deed, even if it was traditional for the father of the bride to take on this role. Furthermore, it would have given her something to do, instead of sitting there by herself, sandwiched between Matt, Lisa and Ellie. And probably Orla. And, of course, there was always the chance that Barbara, her sister, just might show up.
At the end of her first week’s dieting at Slim Chance, Tess had lost four pounds, twice the recommended target, and Orla had lost only one.
‘Well, it’s better than gaining one, I suppose. But all that effort for one bloody pound!’ Orla muttered. But she brightened up visibly when a new man joined the group. He was called Barney and, apart from a bit of a tummy, didn’t appear to be very overweight. He had a friendly face and a good head of hair, so Orla wasted no time.
‘Look,’ she murmured to Tess, ‘there’s a spare seat over there beside that Barney, so I think I ought to go across and make him welcome.’ With that, she was gone. And, thought Tess, he seemed pleased enough with Orla’s company.
The woman sitting next to Tess looked particularly worried.
‘Have you been coming here for long?’ she asked Tess.
‘This is only my second week,’ Tess replied. ‘But I’m really thrilled to have lost four pounds.’
The woman sighed. ‘I’m going to visit my son in Canada this September. I haven’t seen him for three years and I can’t let them all see me like this!’ She patted her tummy. ‘I had breast cancer last year and ate for England.’
Tess turned to face her. ‘So did I! Have breast cancer, I mean. I was told to keep strong and not to even contemplate losing weight. I took that as a cue to eat anything I liked, any time I liked.’
‘Well, you need comfort, don’t you?’ The two women nodded in their shared understanding. ‘My name’s Shirley, by the way.’
‘Hi, Shirley, I’m Tess. Good to meet someone else who’s been through the mill.’
‘How much weight are you hoping to lose?’ Shirley asked.
‘Two and a half stone, so I’ve got my work cut out. What about you?’
Shirley sighed. ‘Well, two stone would be terrific. But it’s so difficult when you spend evenings on your own in front of the telly. Are you married, Tess?’
‘Divorced,’ Tess replied. ‘And then I had a lovely partner for a few years but he died. You?’
‘I’m a widow,’ Shirley said. ‘My husband died a couple of years ago. And it’s so easy to eat rubbish when you’re alone, isn’t it?’
‘ Tell me about it! I suppose it’s a form of loneliness or something. I really miss David – that was my partner, as opposed to my ex-husband. I sometimes think I got the timing of my relationships wrong!’
‘Well, Tess, I think I know how you feel, so perhaps we can chivvy each other along.’
‘I’m up for that!’ Tess said. ‘For the first time in years I’m feeling positive, and determined to improve my looks, my health and my life. It’ll be a tough journey though, as I’m not over-endowed with willpower! ’
When Tess and Orla came out onto the street later, Orla said, ‘That Barney is a really nice guy. I could so fancy him!’
You could fancy Frankenstein’s monster, Tess thought. ‘Is he married?’ she asked.
‘Well, I didn’t ask him that . But have no fear, I shall find out.’
As the weeks progressed, on a good week Orla managed to lose a pound or two, and on a bad week she gained a pound or two, the result of which was that she stayed more or less the same. Tess had been delighted to lose seven pounds in just two sessions. But she fully intended to lose a further two stone in the coming months, though she was aware that the weekly weight loss would become smaller as time passed. Shirley was doing well too, and they’d become quite competitive, which was a help because Tess was aware that Orla was only really there in the hope of snaring the unsuspecting Barney. It was on the fourth week that Barney brought his wife along with him, and she was even bigger than Orla. Orla was devastated. Apparently she’d tried several times, she said, to ask him about his marital status in as subtle a way as possible; so subtle that he plainly had no idea what she was getting at.
‘I’m not paying out any more money to that damned slimming club,’ Orla announced as they headed home. ‘It doesn’t suit my metabolism.’
‘It suits mine,’ Tess said cheerfully, pleased with her progress. ‘I’m not sure you were here for quite the right reason, Orla.’
Orla didn’t reply .
Tess had taken to eating an apple while she watched EastEnders and she’d also started walking a couple of miles each day, unless the weather was particularly inclement. And it was having results. She’d started looking in the mirror more often and wasn’t cringing quite so much as before. Not only that, she was pleased she’d managed to summon up some willpower and was finally doing something about herself for herself. Already she felt healthier and happier. But she was no nearer at all to finding a soulmate, or even a male friend for social outings or Amber’s wedding. She constantly dreamed of arriving at the church, slim and stylish, with a gorgeous man on her arm. Well, a half-decent one would do.
‘Slimming clubs aren’t the right place to find a man,’ Orla said as they were driving home, ‘but I have discovered a great online dating agency.’
Tess sniffed. ‘I’m not that desperate.’
‘Yes, you are. Anyway, it’s not a case of being desperate; how else do you meet the opposite sex these days? Everyone meets online now, Tess. And this one sounds good. Meetings for the More Mature – MMM, it’s called.’
Tess laughed. ‘MMM! Mmm…!’
‘Don’t mock! I think it would be ideal for us; for instance, there’s a great-sounding fellow on there called Darren, who lives in South Wales and owns a bookshop. A bookshop ! Now wouldn’t he be perfect for you, when you’re always reading?’
‘It doesn’t quite follow that this could be a match made in heaven,’ Tess retorted. ‘He might have rotten teeth and bow legs.’
‘Why are you so fussy? You’re no oil painting yourself! ’
‘I have my standards,’ Tess said drily. ‘And you wouldn’t be winning any beauty contests either.’
‘In that case I’ll just have to rely on my magnetic personality. Now, here’s something: you can be on MMM for free, but if you pay ￡150, you can join their elite section, which is called the Hearts Club and entitles you to six introductions which, they say, is guaranteed to find you the love of your life – the “Ace of Hearts” – and if you don’t, they refund your money. And, it also entitles you to join one of their singles’ cruises round the Greek islands at a twenty-five per cent discount. C’mon, Tess, what’s not to like? You can afford ￡150!’
‘I don’t know, Orla. Why don’t you give it a go and I’ll see if I fancy it?’
‘It would be more fun if we could join MMM together,’ Orla said pleadingly.
‘What, go out in foursomes or something?’
‘No, but we could compare notes and we could maybe do that cruise together. We are, after all, what’s known as the Silver Singles these days,’ Orla added, ‘and we should be very sought after.’
‘We should?’
‘Not,’ Orla continued, ‘that many of us emerge from the hairdresser these days looking very silvery, but you know what I mean.’
‘If you say so. And I fancy the Greek islands,’ said Tess wistfully.
The Greek islands! She and David had booked, almost three years ago, that cruise round the Greek islands for the middle of May, and it was on 29 April that he met his untimely end. On the day they should have commenced sailing she was bidding him a tearful farewell in the crematorium. But she was beginning to come round to the idea again, so perhaps this was an omen? Perhaps it was a sign that David was telling her she had mourned long enough and she should go? It was time to move on. He had had a lovely romantic streak, but he was also very down to earth and practical, and she had a feeling he would approve. You can’t avoid the Greek islands or anywhere else just because I’ve gone , Tess ; for God’s sake, get out there, meet people! Yes, she could almost hear him saying that.
It took twenty more minutes of Orla’s wheedling before Tess finally agreed to join MMM but held off on paying for the privilege of signing up to the Hearts Club. Even then she was none too sure she was doing the right thing. But there was a tiny chance she might meet her soulmate, or at least someone nice to accompany her to the wedding. The idea of the cruise was appealing, but it was the thought of smug, skinny Ursula that finally spurred her into action.
Ursula had joined Gerry’s advertising agency eleven years earlier, at the exact time Tess was in hospital undergoing a hysterectomy. The thing about hysterectomies is that, apart from the pain and discomfort, you’re not exactly in the mood for sexual shenanigans for some time afterwards. But of course Gerry had never been a patient man, and Ursula, Tess was told later, had set her sights on him from Day One. She liked older men, apparently, but why she should fancy Gerry Templar quite so much would forever be an unsolved mystery, as far as Tess was concerned.
She, of course, was the last to know about the affair. And, at a time when she felt unattractive and particularly vulnerable, she found out purely by accident. Lipstick on Gerry’s collar or perfume on his shirt? Oh no, it was the packet of condoms nestling in his briefcase between the Financial Times and the Advertising Gazette . Tess had only looked in there because Gerry had, as usual, mislaid a set of keys, and he never looked properly among the detritus that lined the bottom of the briefcase. And Tess had stared in shock and disbelief at the offending packet in her hand. What on earth…?
He was carrying them for a friend , Gerry explained. As you do, of course. At that time she had no idea that the ‘friend’ was Ursula, but she did know that he was lying. In the end it was Brenda, Gerry’s long-suffering secretary, who’d enlightened her after Tess, furious about her encounter with the condoms and aware that he was never home until late these days, had stormed into the office to ask why Gerry was having so many meetings and business trips lately.
‘Meetings? Business trips?’ Brenda looked mystified.
There was the mother and father of all rows when Gerry finally made it home and admitted that perhaps, yes, he was having a mid-life crisis, but nevertheless he was madly, passionately and deeply in love. With Ursula. Sorry, and all that.
After Tess had the locks changed, she concentrated hard on her tailoring and dressmaking, but the hurt and the feeling of inadequacy persisted. She’d never had an abundance of self-confidence, and now she felt unattractive and completely lacking in any sex appeal. She consoled herself as many lonely ladies did, turning to the nibbles every evening, followed by a glass or three of Chardonnay.
Orla had asked Tess round so they could study the MMM website together. She made her famous lamb curry. Orla lived in a ground-floor flat in an Edwardian house about a ten-minute walk from Temple Terrace, which meant that, wherever they were dining together, they could safely be wining as well, and totter home afterwards. Orla’s flat was, as always, in a state of chaos, which fortunately didn’t bother Orla at all. She had some nice pieces of antique furniture, generally covered in piles of newspapers, half-dead plants, wayward cups and saucers, and old editions of Vogue . Orla was passionately interested in fashion and seemed to buy these magazines as an excuse to spit venom at their ‘far too thin’ models.
When they’d finished eating, Orla topped up their glasses of wine and said, ‘Come and look at these men I’ve discovered.’
Orla wanted Tess’s approval before she committed herself to her first date. She showed Tess the selection of males she’d downloaded. They all appeared to be suspiciously handsome and ultra-successful.
Tess studied the selection. ‘How can you be sure they really look like that? And can that one really be a film director? With looks like that, surely he’d have his pick of the ladies?’
‘You’re always so suspicious!’
‘Well, I’ve learnt to be. And what sort of description did you give yourself?’
‘Just told it as it is,’ Orla replied shortly.
Tess doubted that. ‘Let’s see what you’ve written about yourself then.’
Unwillingly Orla clicked away, and then handed over her phone.
‘That’s not you !’ Tess exclaimed, staring at a youthful, smiling, bikini-clad lady.
‘Well, it was taken a few years back,’ Orla grudgingly admitted.
‘And what’s this about being a successful entrepreneur ? ’
‘We started up the shop, didn’t we? And don’t forget that I started that cleaning business too.’
‘What, you mean you and Maeve O’Connor? Mopping up a few office floors? How long did that last – a month?’
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, Tess, don’t nit-pick! Let a little light into your life!’
‘OK, OK, so you’ve selected the best bits about yourself. And so have these guys. Just don’t be disappointed when they’re not all they’re cracked up to be.’
But Orla was disappointed. The three guys she met were shorter, less attractive and considerably less successful than they’d made themselves out to be.
‘Right, that’s it,’ Orla said. ‘I’m going to pay the ￡150 and join the Hearts Club. These guys are vetted so they should all be above board.’
‘And you’ll be vetted too,’ Tess reminded her.
After much discussion Tess finally agreed to follow Orla’s example, paid her ￡150, and wrote as honest a description of herself as possible. The photograph she chose had been taken on holiday in Sardinia three years before. OK, it was flattering, but at least it looked like her. She wasn’t sure how MMM went about checking her out, but they must have done something because it was twenty-four hours before they confirmed her membership. Later she was to wonder what exactly it was they did do…
Because her first ‘heart’ was Benedict.