Chapter 12
TWELVE
cheyenne
Without another word, Cole turned and pulled me out of the bar, stopping only to set his empty glass and mine on a vacant table.
He moved quickly, his long legs striding purposefully into the lobby—then he stopped, looking at the people still milling around.
I knew what he was thinking—they’d all see us racing upstairs together. “Elevator,” I said.
Hand in hand, we hurried around the back of the stairs and down the first-floor hall to the inn’s single elevator.
Cole punched a button, and the doors opened immediately.
He tugged me inside, and hit the number two, and as soon as the doors closed, he spun me against the wall and pressed his body against mine.
I couldn’t breathe.
He hesitated for a fraction of a second, his breath on my lips, before crushing his mouth to mine. The elevator began to ascend—at least I think it did. Either way, I felt like gravity had failed. Everything was going up, up, up.
All too soon and not soon enough, the doors opened and Cole broke the kiss, taking my hand once more and pulling me down the hall.
In front of his door, he paused to pull his keycard from his wallet and inserted it.
Once we were inside, he tossed the keycard and his wallet to the floor and slammed the door behind us.
Then his hands were in my hair again, his lips were on my throat, his body was nudging mine backward toward the bed. I went willingly, falling backward across it.
One lamp was on in the corner of the room, illuminating him in soft gold light as he yanked his tie off and unbuttoned his collar. Propped on my elbows, I watched, panting and eager.
A second later he was on me, a fantasy come to life.
Cole, Cole, Cole, I thought blissfully as his mouth slanted over mine.
He kissed me hungrily, like he’d been starving for it the way I had, like he’d been holding back for years.
His tongue stroked between my lips as he pinned my arms over my head, then slid his palms from wrist to elbow to the sides of my ribs.
His cock, thick and hard, pressed against my thigh, sending electric pulses of anticipation throughout my body.
He’s going to be inside me, I thought. He’s going to link his body with mine and it’s going to feel so good to be that close to him. Finally. Fucking finally.
I kicked off my heels, and heard his shoes hit the floor too. Slipping his forearm beneath my lower back, he moved me up the mattress, closer to the headboard so our bodies were pressed together from head to heel.
I wrapped both legs around one of his. “God, I want you,” I whispered. Even the feel of his muscular thigh between my legs was enough to have me rocking my hips beneath him. I’d dreamed about this night for so long.
“Fuck, I can’t wait to taste you.” His mouth moved down my neck, and I threaded my fingers into his hair. Every nerve ending in my body was tingling, every inch of my skin on fire. One question echoed inside my head.
“Is this real?” I whispered.
“God, I hope so.” He kissed my shoulder, my collarbone, my breast through the clingy black material of my dress, before bringing his lips back up to mine. “You’re making me crazy tonight.”
Tonight? You’ve been making me crazy for twenty years.
He moved to one side of me so he could reach inside the slit on my dress.
I shivered as his fingers touched my skin and his palm slid up my inner thigh.
At the first skim of his fingertips over my black lace panties, a sigh escaped me and I raised my knee toward the ceiling, tilting my hips toward him.
He caressed me gently through the silk before edging one finger beneath it, groaning as he slipped it easily inside me.
I moved my hips against his hand, my fingers fumbling with the buttons on his dress shirt.
He worked two fingers inside me, and I moaned against his lips. “That feels so good,” I panted.
“I want you so fucking badly tonight,” he growled, his other hand fisting in my hair.
There it was again. That word—tonight.
“Cole, wait.” I pushed against his chest slightly, just so I could look up at him. “What about tomorrow?” I asked breathlessly.
“Huh?” His hand went still.
Stop! screamed teenage me in my head. Don’t ruin this! We’ve waited long enough!
But I couldn’t help it. “What about tomorrow? Will you want me then? And what about yesterday?”
“I . . . I don’t understand.” He took his hand from my underwear.
“I don’t either. And I’m probably going to hate myself for this, but something doesn’t feel right.”
“It doesn’t?”
I took a deep breath, willing myself to have the strength to say what needed to be said.
“The first night you walked me home, you told me why you don’t date, and I understood.
Last week, you explained to me in heart-wrenching detail why you and I should probably just be friends, and I agreed.
Last night you said you wished things were different, and I did too . . . so are they?”
“I . . . I don’t know.” He sounded genuinely confused, and then he rolled onto his back. “I’m sorry. I guess I was just trying to let go and have some fun.”
I sat up, pushing my dress down and bringing my legs together. “I was too.”
“And I really do want you. Everything I said tonight is true.”
I pressed my lips together, knowing a but was coming.
“But you’re right. Nothing has changed. I’m still the same guy I was last week, with the same issues.” He flung his arm over his eyes, and I caught the shine of his wedding ring in the lamplight. “I can’t make you any promises. And I can’t lie to you.”
I nodded, knowing deep down this was wrong for me. While I wanted nothing more than to let him love me for the night, some gut, adult instinct told me to protect myself, even while teenage me threw a tantrum in the corner of my mind, my girl parts backing her up.
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“No need for apology, Cole.” I took another deep breath. “I came up here willingly, and part of me is still desperately hoping tonight ends with me in your arms, because I can’t tell you how badly I’ve always wanted to be there.”
He looked over at me. “I want you there too.”
“But not enough,” I said, hearing the catch in my voice, even as I smiled. “And it’s okay. The truth is, Cole, I don’t want it enough either—not enough to invite the heartbreak that would follow. Because I won’t be able to just walk away from this and be okay. It will mean too much to me.”
He didn’t say anything. His chest rose and fell with quick, shallow breaths.
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “You can’t read my mind, and I’ve never been entirely honest about my feelings for you. So I’m sorry too, for leading you to believe I could be that girl who’s up for anything. It wasn’t fair.”
“Cheyenne.” He reached over and put a hand on my leg.
“I really thought I could be her tonight. I wanted to be her tonight. God knows I’ve been her every other night of my life.
” My eyes blurred with tears. “The truth is, Cole, I’ve loved you hopelessly for so long that I don’t know any other way to do it.
But being with you like that would give me hope, and that’s something I can’t afford right now. ”
“Cheyenne, I—”
“No, don’t,” I said, sliding off the bed, away from his touch, his scent, his blue eyes looking at me with despair.
I couldn’t bear to hear him explain why he couldn’t love me back.
I’d always known. “Don’t say anything. Let’s just leave it be and do what we said, okay?
Let’s be friends. My feelings will fade again.
” Slipping my feet into my shoes, I heard myself laugh nervously. “They always do.”
He propped himself up on his elbows. “I don’t want you to go.”
I turned to him with a tearful smile. “I have to, Cole. I have to go to my room alone, where I will put myself in a timeout, curse myself for blowing my chance to sleep with you, and wallow in the humiliation of everything I’ve just confessed.
But once I get over all that, I’m hoping to feel good about this. ”
It took him a moment to reply. “I understand.”
“Thank you. Goodnight.” Aiming for a dignified exit, I headed for the door, but then turned around again. “I don’t suppose there’s any way you could just forget everything I said to you tonight and pretend like this never happened?”
He shook his head slowly. “I’ll never forget the things you said to me tonight.”
So much for dignity. Cheeks burning, I moved for the door again.
“Cheyenne, wait!” He got out of bed and darted past me, reaching the door first, flattening his back against it.
Yes, Cole. Beg me to stay. Give me hope. Say you want me—not just for tonight.
“Yes?” I held my breath.
“I want you to know . . .” He ran a hand over his jaw. “I want you to know that I understand how you feel. And I hope you know how much I care about you. There hasn’t been anyone since Trisha that I—that I want this way.”
But not enough, I thought again, the lump rising in my throat. Not enough.
“I’m sorry if I messed up our friendship by saying one thing and doing another,” he went on. “I won’t do it again.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, wondering how the hell I was going to get through tomorrow. “Okay.”
He opened the door for me, and I held my head high as I walked through it.
At the sound of it closing behind me, I burst into tears.
After a near sleepless night, I dragged my ass out of bed at eight the next morning and knocked on the door of the bridal suite fifteen minutes later.
Blair took one look at my puffy face and bloodshot eyes the next morning and gasped. “Oh my God. What happened to you?”
“Do you have coffee?” I croaked.
“Yes. Come in, no one else is here yet.” She shut the door behind me and hurried over to a table where coffee, tea, and breakfast had been set out for the female wedding party.
The entire room was big and bright, with lots of white everywhere—white carpet on the dark wood floor, white sheers on the windows, two white sofas facing each other, three white salon chairs facing three white-framed mirrors on walls painted a soft gray.
In a couple hours, a hair and makeup team would arrive—they’d have a hell of a job whipping my sorry self into shape—and we were all due for a photo shoot at three.
Sometime between now and then, I had to prepare myself to face Cole. Walk down the aisle with him. Dance in his arms.
I sank down on a white sofa and gratefully accepted the cup of coffee Blair handed me. “Thanks.”
“What’s the matter?” she asked, sitting opposite me with her legs tucked beneath her. She wore a white fleece robe that had the Cloverleigh Farms insignia on it, and her hair was loose around her shoulders. Even with her face bare of makeup, she looked radiant—like a bride should.
“I feel like such a shitty friend for doing this to you on your wedding day,” I told her. “Part of me wants to lie and tell you everything is fine.”
“I wouldn’t believe you anyway,” she said. “You look like you cried yourself to sleep, if you slept at all.”
“Accurate,” I admitted, taking a sip.
“So talk. We have at least forty-five minutes before the rest of the gang arrives.”
I told her what had happened, watching her expressions run the gamut from surprised to angry to sad to impressed to sympathetic. “Oh, honey,” she said, leaning forward to hug me.
“Oh God, don’t make me spill coffee on this white couch,” I said, setting the cup down on the glass coffee table.
“You poor thing.” Blair sat back again. “I can’t believe you walked away.”
“I had to,” I said, spying a box of tissues across the room and getting up to retrieve one.
“All of a sudden, it hit me that we weren’t on the same page.
I was doing it because I’m in love with him, and he was doing it because it would be fun.
But fun can be had with anyone, you know?
I was afraid it wouldn’t mean anything to him, and it was going to mean everything to me.
” I groaned, snatching a couple tissues from the box.
“God, that sounds so juvenile and stupid.”
“No, it doesn’t,” Blair said. “It sounds mature and self-aware. Of course jumping into bed with Cole would be fun, but you know that it probably would have made it harder to deal with the fact that you want something he can’t give.”
“Right,” I said, blowing my nose. “But that’s nothing new. I just wish I hadn’t told him so much, you know? Like why couldn’t I have just pretended like I’d changed my mind about sex and walked out? Now he knows how I feel.”
“Maybe it’s better he knows,” Blair said hopefully. “Maybe he just needs time to process it.”
“No. The more he thinks about it, the more pathetic I’m going to look. I told him I loved him, Blair.” I tossed the tissues out and studied my blotchy face in one of the white-framed mirrors. “Ugh. Can I wear a paper bag over my face today?”
“No,” Blair said, getting off the couch and coming over to where I stood.
She wrapped her arms around my shoulders from behind and met my eyes in the mirror.
“You are beautiful, and you’ve got no reason to hide.
I’m so proud of you for standing up for your heart.
I love Cole and I know he’s a good guy, but he doesn’t deserve you if he’s not willing to give a little. ”
“I don’t even know what to ask him to give,” I said, trying so hard not to cry, my nose burned. “He’s not lying about how tough it is for him to take on a relationship as a single dad.”
“Plenty of single dads have relationships.”
“But his situation is different, and Mariah is special, and he’s made promises to her and to himself that he can’t break, not even for me.” I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears. “Why would I even expect him to?”
“Because you’re worth it,” Blair said softly, giving me a squeeze. “And something tells me he knows that, and it’s only a matter of time before he comes to his senses.”
I smiled and hugged her arms. “Thank you. Spoken like a true sister. Now what do you say we forget about all my romantic troubles and focus on the fact that you and my brother are getting married today?”
She squealed. “Yes, sister!”
I laughed, feeling better. I might not have romance, but I had love in my life.
Today, I’d celebrate that.