Chapter 19
NINETEEN
cole
The following evening, Mariah and I left for the ice rink as soon as I got home from work.
It was crowded, but we had fun circling the ice together hand in hand, and she showed off some of her moves from her figure skating class.
She recognized a few classmates, and I was more than happy to stand to the side with the other parents while they darted around the rink, playing games and judging one another’s attempts at fancy twirls and jumps.
When we were done skating, we put our boots back on, tossed our skates in the car, and walked down to our favorite pizzeria. The owner greeted me with a handshake and made a big deal about how tall Mariah was getting before seating us in a red vinyl booth along the wall.
We ordered soft drinks and pizza, and I gave Mariah some quarters to go play video games while we waited for the food to arrive.
I told myself I wasn’t putting off the conversation, I was just ensuring she was in the best possible mood before broaching a difficult topic.
No sense in trying to talk seriously to her while she was hungry, or grumpy that I wouldn’t give her any game time like I usually did.
While she was gone, I looked at a TV screen that hung in the corner, barely registering the hockey game that was on. I sipped a Coke, wishing it was a beer, but knowing I needed to stay clear-headed. I texted Cheyenne that I was at the pizzeria and promised to call her when I got home.
And I twisted my wedding band around my finger.
I’d dug it out of the drawer and put it on at the last minute, although I wasn’t even sure exactly why.
Maybe I thought it would soften the blow of my announcement.
Maybe I wanted to reassure her that I took my promises seriously.
Maybe I hoped it would show her that she could still trust me to protect her from her fears.
Eventually she returned and the pizza was placed on a tall stand in the middle of our table. After sending her to the bathroom to wash her hands, I served her a piece and took one for myself, although my stomach was too knotted up to eat.
“So I wanted to talk to you about something,” I said as she picked all the pepperoni off her slice.
“What?”
“Well, first I want you to know that you are the most important person in the world to me, and your feelings matter more than anything.”
“‘Kay,” she said, licking her fingers.
“And you know how much I love you, right? How much I will always love you?”
She gave me a weird look. “Yeah.”
“Good.” I was tempted to pull the folded-up piece of notebook paper from my jeans pocket, but I didn’t. “Okay. Good.”
“Are you going away somewhere?” Her voice shook slightly.
“No,” I said firmly. “Nope, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay, good.” She picked up her slice of pizza and took a bite.
“I will never leave you. You understand that? It’s you and me forever, kiddo.”
She nodded and smiled, her mouth full. “In our new house.”
“In our new house.” I cleared my throat.
“But sometimes moms and dads who don’t have a husband or wife anymore like to spend time with someone their own age.
Sometimes they get a little lonely being on their own without a partner, and they meet someone they like spending time with, and they . . . they want to date that person.”
“You mean you met someone you want to date?”
“Yes.”
Mariah’s face fell. “Oh.”
“Does that make you sad?”
She set her pizza down. “Kind of.”
My chest tightened, and I reached across the table for her hand. “Is it that you feel scared I won’t want to spend time with you anymore? Because that would never happen.”
She shook her head. “It’s not that. It’s just . . . I was hoping you would date Miss Cheyenne. Not some new person.”
My jaw fell open. “You were hoping I’d date Miss Cheyenne?”
“Well, yes.” She shrugged. “I love Miss Cheyenne. And she comes over a lot. And she needs a boyfriend, so I thought maybe it could be you.”
I laughed, letting go of her hand. “She needs a boyfriend?”
“Yes. Well, she didn’t say it like that, but I’m pretty sure she wants one.”
I shook my head, amazed. “Mariah, I do want to date Cheyenne. That’s who I’m talking about.”
She perked right up. “Really?”
“Yes.”
“Yay!” She picked up her pizza again and took another bite.
I waited for her to say something else—put up some semblance of resistance—but she didn’t.
There was no fucking way this could be that easy.
I scratched my head. “Do you—do you want to ask me anything?”
Mariah chomped on her pizza for a moment. “Are you guys going to get married?”
“I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.”
“I think you should. Then she can live with us.”
My head was spinning. “Well . . . I’ll think about that.”
“But Daddy, if you’re going to ask her to marry you, you should definitely take off that other wedding ring you wear. It might make her feel bad.”
My jaw hung open. “It won’t—it wouldn’t—bother you if I took it off? You once asked me to wear it every day.”
“Did I?” She looked surprised and amused, as if she were hearing a cute story about something she’d done as a toddler.
“Yes. When you were afraid I’d get remarried and move away.”
“Oh,” she said, nodding in understanding. “Yeah, I remember that. It was, like, in kindergarten.”
“Right.”
“I don’t think that anymore. I know you wouldn’t leave me.”
“That’s true,” I said seriously. “I would never leave you.”
“If you did get married to Miss Cheyenne, would you have kids?”
I was beginning to feel like I was being pranked. “I haven’t thought about that either.”
“I really want a little sister,” she said. “But not a little brother, so don’t have any boy babies.”
“Okay,” I said, laughing nervously. “Well, I’m not sure it works like that, but I’m glad to know you’re open to the idea of being a big sister.”
She grinned. “I am. I think I’d be a really good big sister.”
“I think so too.” I stared at the pizza on my plate like it was a foreign object, then looked up at Mariah again, hardly recognizing her. “You’re sure you’re okay with this? You’re not worried at all?”
“No. Should I be?”
“No,” I said quickly. “Not at all. I just . . . want to be sure I’m addressing all your concerns. I know sometimes you worry about me.”
“But you said I shouldn’t worry.” Her face grew uneasy, and I told myself to stop digging around for a problem where there clearly wasn’t one.
“That’s right—you shouldn’t. Nothing is going to change just because Cheyenne and I like being together.”
“Good. So are you like . . . in love?”
I rolled my eyes, trying to relax. “Now you’re just being silly.”
“It’s not silly. I want to know,” she said, setting her slice of pizza down again. “Because it has to be the kind of love that’s real, not the kind that wears the fancy costume. Because that kind fades away, and she doesn’t want that.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I feel like I’m on another planet right now.”
Mariah sighed, like she was the parent trying to explain something, and I was the kid refusing to get it. “Never mind. Just make sure you love her the right way.”
“I’ll try. Is that all?”
“That’s all. Can we eat now?”
“Yes.” I picked up my pizza and took a bite without tasting it.
Was this for real? Just like that, there was nothing standing in the way of Cheyenne and I being together? No resistance? No tears? No fight?
I couldn’t help feeling like I’d just been handed the keys to the castle, but the place had been unlocked to begin with.
Where was the moat? Where was the drawbridge?
Where was the goddamn dragon?