Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
dex
I barely slept Saturday night, and Sunday I skipped going to church. As much as I liked seeing the girls there, I didn’t even feel like I could face them after what I’d done. I was sick to my stomach every time I thought about it.
Instead, I hid out all day in my condo like a criminal—which was exactly how I felt.
I’d done something unpardonable. I’d stolen something valuable. I’d vandalized something beautiful.
And I’d lied to someone who deserved the truth.
But she knew, a stubborn voice in my head would argue. She knew from the beginning what this had to be. It doesn’t matter how I really feel. What good would it do her to hear the words?
I loved her—of course I did. But that kind of love wasn’t stable or dependable. That kind of love wasn’t a solid foundation. It felt strong, but that was an illusion. What love did was drain your strength and take away your ability to make good decisions.
And you couldn’t second-guess yourself. If I’d learned anything as a SEAL sniper, it was that I had to trust myself to make split-second decisions under the most stressful circumstances imaginable—there was no time for doubt or uncertainty. It was a matter of survival.
I’d saved us both.
There was no way she and I could have made things work, not even if she’d stayed here.
She was too young. She had everything ahead of her—marriage and kids and her fucking twenties.
I was so far removed from that stage of life, where anything seems possible and all your dreams are still alive.
And I’d already had my children. What I needed to focus on now was raising them.
She’d been a welcome distraction, but it was over now.
It killed me to think of her hurting, just on the other side of the wall, but I stayed strong.
Someday she’d thank me.
On Monday afternoon, I went to the gym for a few coaching sessions, during which I barked at the guys more than necessary and made them work five times as hard.
Usually, they thanked me after training, or stuck around and talked with me a little, but today every single one of them took off as soon as we were done.
Not that I blamed them.
On the way home, I thought about stopping at Justin and Bree’s, but I hadn’t spoken to either of them since Saturday night and didn’t feel like rehashing the breakup. It was too raw.
I knew I owed my sister an apology for yelling at her, and I’d give it, but I wasn’t ready yet. If she started coming at me with all that shit about being afraid to love someone, I’d lose it again.
When I got home, I showered and made myself some dinner, but I had no appetite. Stretching out on the couch, I tried to get Freddie Purrcury to sit with me while I watched TV, but he refused.
“What did I ever do to you?” I said as he presented me with his ass and put his tail in the air before walking away.
I looked at my cell phone on the coffee table, tempted for the millionth time to call Winnie and ask her how she was feeling. Did she hate me? Would she leave town without speaking to me again? The thought made my heart sink like a stone.
Maybe I could just send her a quick text. Just check in—as a friend. Make sure she was okay.
But the words got stuck between my mind and my fingers, and I couldn’t do it.
Instead, I called the girls to say goodnight. Luna was still in the shower, so I chatted with Hallie for a few minutes. “Are you writing any new stories?” I asked her.
“I’m still working on the one about the ogre and the princess.”
“Oh.” My heart lurched. “So tell me what’s happening.”
“Well, the princess was very brave and went to seek out the ogre in the forest. She finds his cave.”
“How did she know where to look?”
“She followed the sound of his snoring.”
I almost smiled. “Go on.”
“So she calls out to him, and he’s extra grumpy because she woke him up, but he listens to her story about her cat Tigger running up the tree.”
“Does he agree to help?”
“No.”
“Why not?” I frowned, annoyed that even in ogre form I was a jerk.
“Because the ogre has a secret he doesn’t want her to know.”
“And what’s that?”
“He’s afraid of heights.”
“The ogre is afraid of heights?”
“Yes. So he won’t go up the tree to save the cat, but he can’t tell her the real reason, so he just sort of grunts at her and tells her to leave him alone.”
“Does he at least feel bad about it?”
“Yes, because he can hear her crying as she runs back home through the forest. But not bad enough to overcome his fear of heights. He’s a very stubborn ogre.”
“Clearly.” I got off the couch and wandered over to the sliding door. Pulling it open, I stepped onto the patio, feeling like I could use some fresh air. “So then what happens? Does the cat die? Or does the ogre get over himself and help the princess?”
“I don’t know yet. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.”
I glanced over at Winnie’s patio and thought about kissing her the night we’d met. I’d been so drawn to her—I still was. Now I’d never feel those lips on mine again. “Well, let me know how it ends.”
“I will. Can I talk to Freddie Purrcury?”
I frowned. “No.”
“Why not?”
“He’s being rude.”
“What did he do?”
“He’s ignoring me.”
She laughed. “He only likes it when we’re there. Want to talk to Luna?”
“Yes. I love you. Goodnight.”
“I love you too, Daddy. Night.”
Luna came on a few seconds later. “Daddy?”
“Yeah?”
“Winnie’s not gone yet, is she?”
I swallowed hard. “I don’t think so.”
“Okay good, because we want to give her a going-away gift. We saw something purrfect at the store,” she said with a giggle. “Will you take us to get it?”
“Yeah.” I closed my eyes, the ache of missing her already deep in my bones. “It will have to be Wednesday when I get you. I’m pretty sure she leaves the next day.”
“Okay.”
We chatted for a few more minutes, then said goodnight. I stayed outside for a little while, watching it grow darker.
If I hadn’t broken things off, Winnie and I would probably be together right now. Maybe I’d be helping her pack. Maybe we’d be eating dinner at my place. Maybe we’d be in bed, taking advantage of every last minute we had before she left.
My body warmed thinking about it, and I was tempted to go knock on her door. Apologize. Tell her the truth. Make her understand that I’d only lied to protect her—because that’s what I did when I loved someone. I protected them.
But in the end, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, and I went back inside alone.
Justin and I arrived at work Tuesday at the same time and parked next to each other. As soon as we got out of our cars, I held up my hands in surrender. “I know, I know. I’ll apologize to Bree.”
He nodded. “Good.”
“Does she hate me?”
“No. She feels bad. She thinks she said things that pissed you off so much, you’ll never speak to her again.”
“She did piss me off. But only because she knows how to push my buttons.”
“Sisters are good at that.” We started walking toward the station. “So what happened with Winnie?”
“We broke it off.”
“Mutual decision?”
I frowned. “Not exactly. She had it in her head that we could try long-distance or something.”
“And you really don’t want to?”
“No, Justin! I’m not her fucking high-school boyfriend. She’s not going away to college—she’s moving to another state. She took a job there.”
“Maybe she didn’t know you wanted her to stay.”
“There was no way I could’ve asked her to stay.”
“Why not?” Justin asked as we reached the building. “I told Bree I was going to marry her on our second date.”
“You guys are different.” I paused at the door without opening it, staring at my reflection in the glass.
“It wouldn’t have worked for us. She’s too young for me.
We’re at completely different stages of life.
I’ve already done the marriage and family thing, and I fucked it up.
Now I’m trying to be the best possible single dad I can be, and I’ve got no room in my life for anything else. ”
“Okay.”
“Asking her to give up her dream job just to be with me when I can’t offer her the future she wants would have been unfair.”
“Okay.”
“It’s not because I’m scared.”
He hesitated. “Okay.”
“No matter what my sister says. It’s not because I’m scared. It’s because I’m strong.”
My brother-in-law remained silent.
I kept staring at myself in the glass. “I’m not in love with her. I don’t need her in my life. I’ll be fine without her.” I swallowed. “Eventually.”
“Okay, brother.” Justin put a hand on my shoulder. “Maybe you should go inside and scrub some toilets or something. It’ll take your mind off this.”
I grabbed the door handle and yanked it open.
Hallie grabbed the coffee mug off the shelf at the gift shop and held it up. “See Daddy? Isn’t it cute?”
It was cute. It had a cartoon of a cat with a thick Freddie Mercury mustache on it, wearing tight pants and a yellow jacket, one paw in the air, one holding a mic stand. Beneath the drawing it said Don’t stop meow. But I couldn’t even smile. “Yeah.”
“It’s so that she won’t forget us,” said Luna excitedly, bouncing around and knocking into things on the shelves. “Every day she can use her mug and think of us.”
I cleared my throat. “She’ll love it. Come on, before you break something.”
We paid for the mug and left the shop, wandering down the block toward the car.
My feet felt heavy and slow as I dragged them through the fallen leaves on the sidewalk.
A small moving truck had been parked in Winnie’s driveway all morning, and I’d been fucking miserable watching all her furniture disappear inside it.
“Can we bring it over to her when we get home, Daddy?” Luna asked, scuffing her heels through the crunchy brown and yellow leaves.
“If she’s there.”
“I hope she is!” Hallie hurried ahead to the car and tugged at the door handle. “Let’s hurry.”
When we pulled into the complex, we saw that Winnie’s garage door was open, and she was loading a suitcase into her trunk.