21. Chapter Twenty-one
Chapter Twenty-one
Matt
Nolan finds me.
He crawls under the bed and wraps his arms around me.
It's nice, but it's nothing like Ace. My mind just spins, spins, spins. Dead, he's dead, Mica is dead - but so am I.
I start to cry again, but it's soft this time, just tears slowly leaking out of my eyes.
“Matty, I gotta tell you something.”
I already know, I want to tell him. Please don't make me hear it again.
“Travis is back and - and he killed Mica. He's gone now, Matty. He's dead.”
Like me.
“Matty?”
I force myself to nod my head. He probably can't see it in the darkness, but he can feel it. It has to be enough. I beg whatever god is listening that it's enough. That he gets the point - I understand, I don't want to discuss it, please never bring it up again.
Please, no more words. Shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh-
“-was just waiting for him to be killed or something, because now he's going to leave.”
Wait.
I-
What?
Leave? Leave here?
Who is leaving here?
Who?
Who - who is - no, no, no-
“Casey is going with him.”
With who?
Casey and who are leaving?
I missed it, go back, who?
Nolan huffs, sounding - sounding - what's that word? Not angry, but close. Like angry and hurt together. I can't find it. My feelings wheel is in my head, but it's spinning around and around, a blur of colors.
“Carter is going to go to fucking college. Like he was before… well, before all this. Like it's that simple. Like he and Casey can just go back to normal.”
Carter.
Carter and Casey are leaving.
Leaving.
Leaving, leaving, leaving, leaving-
“I can't decide if they're idiots for thinking they can just do that, or if they're right and I'm just way more fucked up than I thought.”
I have the distant thought that I feel the same, but it's overwhelmed by the sharp, panicky feeling of no, no, no.
They can't leave. Not them. They have to stay.
They're part of my support system.
I gave them name signs.
I taught Dr. Singh their name signs and we agreed that they were important.
I need them.
I need - God, when did I get so selfish?
My stomach feels hot. Really hot. It twists itself into tight coils, around and around. I can feel myself starting to shake. I can feel the sweat creeping over the back of my neck, across my palms. There's too much spit in my mouth. There's - there's too much in - in my - in my -
- only, only, only, only -
“Hey, it's alright. It'll be alright. I'm right here, okay? I'm never leaving. We'll stick together, I promise.”
Betrayed. That's the word. Nolan is angry and hurt together - betrayed.
“It's okay. I've got you. Just focus on Mica being dead, alright? Carter and Casey are going to be fine. They've got Maison and Jake and Travis. They'll be safe. It's okay. Don't worry about them. And now you don't have to worry about Mica, either. He's gone, Matt. He can't ever hurt you again.”
I choke on a laugh. Or a sob.
He hurts me all the time. He's a phantom hand at my throat. I've been suffocating for months.
Only 45 seconds.
Only, only, only, only, only, only, only-
“Shh, Matt. You're okay. Breathe. Just breathe.”
I can't breathe.
I can't, I can't, can't, can't, can't-
I need to hide. Under this bed isn't working. Nolan isn't helping.
I want Ace. I want his arms. I want his chest with the steady thud, thud, thud-thud, of his heartbeat. I want the blues. I want to hear the sound of him, his voice its own form of oxygen.
But Nolan keeps holding me and Ace deserves a break from me and I'm just a ghost, I'm not real, I don't have to breathe anyway.
I lie there shaking, my lungs burning, and wait for him to notice that I'm dead. I died way before Mica did.
It's too late.
He's too late.
I'm already gone.