Chapter 8
‘What the hell, Jessie? Did you and Lycra Leon smash ?! Let me look at you,’ Emerald demands the minute I get back to our suite, pulling me inside and steering me onto a sofa in the living room. I collapse onto it, exhausted.
‘Excuse me?’ I ask, stretching my feet out to Stella and nudging her with my toe. She’s reading one of the actual newspapers the hotel delivers to our room every morning, and I feel very proud of her.
Stella looks up from her paper and beams at me.
‘Keeping print journalism alive, especially for you,’ Stella says, jiggling the paper up and down.
Em, on the other hand, is having none of our newspaper chat.
‘Just look at her, Stell,’ Em says, waving a hand in my direction. ‘You are positively glowing, Jessie! I know Lycra Leon is good because he comes highly recommended but there’s only so much a cardio and cold bath sesh can do. And you, Jessica Jones, look like you’ve just been banging.’
‘Well, I definitely have not,’ I object.
‘I did not get straight-man vibes from Lycra Leon,’ Stella chimes in. ‘Jess, do you have some secret moves to turn gay men straight that we didn’t know about?’
Both of my best friends are finding this hilarious, winking at each other like absolute children.
‘You know very well I have no moves,’ I protest. ‘I didn’t turn Lycra Leon and I certainly haven’t been doing any banging. Or “smashing” for that matter. Honestly, you two! Actually, Leon had to cancel our session.’
Em presses her fingers against my forehead and closes her eyes.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask warily.
‘Communicating with your aura. It’s giving big sexual energy.’ She pulls back, looking impressed.
‘Wait, have you been flirting, like I told you to last night?’ Stella asks, paper abandoned, picking up my legs and sliding under them so she can get a closer look at me on the sofa.
Oh lordy.
‘Of course not!’ I insist, bit high-pitched, swatting Em’s aura hands away and giving her a look which pleads don’t pull at this thread!
Em does not pick up on my message one bit.
‘Something’s different,’ she presses, squatting down to get a better look. So now both best friends are right up in my grill.
‘You come back looking rejuvenated – in a sexual way – and expect us to believe you haven’t spent the entire morning orgasming? I’m so pleased for you, Jessie. We should all be harnessing the power of the female orgasm,’ Em adds, patting my hand. Then she springs up and wafts over to the collection of freshly cleansed crystals she’s arranged on the writing desk. ‘It must be the love crystals. I’m so glad I packed them. Citrine, for pleasure, and black tourmaline, for bringing us back to our bodies. Well done, my beauties! Clearly they are working a charm already. Jess, I’m so happy you are enjoying the ripe pleasures of intimacy again.’
‘Honestly, guys!’ I stutter. ‘Ripe pleasures? I really haven’t—’
‘If you weren’t smashing Lycra Leon, then who was it?’ Stella interrupts.
‘For goodness sake!’ I say at top volume.
‘What’s got your knickers in a twist?’ Stella grins.
‘Or rather, who ?’ Em asks, eyes twinkling. And then it dawns on her. ‘Oh,’ she says like she’s just figured it out.
‘ Oh what?’ Stella frowns.
‘OH MY GOD,’ I shout. Em can’t drop me in it now! I really do not want Stella finding out I’ve spent the past twenty-four hours lusting after her younger brother. I can’t even begin to think what it might do to our friendship.
‘Oh, as in, it must be that footballer, right?’ Em wiggles her eyebrows at me.
‘Erm, yes, that is right,’ I say, going along with it. ‘Spotted him this morning.’
‘What footballer?’
‘Perry Carver, plays in the first league,’ says Em.
‘You mean Premier League ,’ says Stella, rolling her eyes.
‘Sure, sure,’ Em says dismissively. ‘Anyway, he’s here. Haven’t you seen him?’
Stella narrows her eyes. ‘I didn’t know you liked football, Jessie?’
I feel terrible for fibbing. I can’t speak.
Em steps in to rescue me. ‘It’s not the game, babes, it’s the player. He’s cute.’
‘So, were you flirting with footballers all morning?’ Stella looks as confused as I feel.
I’m going to have to come clean about this morning’s beach trip with Luke. And if that whole scenario wasn’t awkward enough, these two have now unknowingly implied that I spent the morning Doing Things with Stella’s little brother. Talk about uncomfortable.
‘I ended up going paddleboarding with Luke,’ I say rapidly, fingers balled into fists, before muttering something about how perhaps the sea breeze had given my skin a boost. ‘I, erm, passed Terry on his way to the gym.’
‘ Perry .’ Em shoots me a look.
‘Perry! Obviously. He’s so cute,’ I say, no actual clue what this man looks like. ‘But, erm, it’s just a crush and I would never act on it.’
‘Oh.’ Stella looks disappointed. ‘For a while there I thought we might have some exciting romantic developments for you, Jess.’
Then she goes back to her paper. Em moves behind Stella on the sofa, beaming at me, and makes unmentionable symbols involving her hands. I give her a wide-eyed stop it look and she bites her lip, now pressing her fingers together in a heart shape. I leave the room.
I can think of worse places for a pedicure. We’re sat three in a row, each of us on a padded chair tilted all the way back, a view of the Japanese garden through the glass wall in front of us.
There’s a smell of nail polish in the air, mixed with the hotel’s now familiar scent, and I relax into my chair as the pedicurist gets to work, allowing my eyes to close and my mind to wander.
‘So, how was paddleboarding with Luke?’ asks Em, giving me a knowing look.
I glare back at her. Honestly.
‘Fine thanks,’ I reply, attempting breezy. ‘Well, actually, it’s not as easy as it looks and I ended up in the sea.’
Stella, on the other side of Em, snorts at this. ‘Oh mate.’
‘I know. Luke had to fish me out.’
Em’s head twists back to look at me again and her face is lit up with this new titbit. She is thrilled. I can just tell that she’s about to very unsubtly ask for more information so I decide to head her off at the pass.
‘Actually, I could do with your advice, Em,’ I say. ‘About my stars.’
She peers at me suspiciously. She knows what I’m doing.
‘Go on,’ she says, interest nevertheless piqued.
‘So, my Zodiac Girlie said: “Water gives way to emotional depth” this morning. And I don’t know what that means.’
‘Ooh interesting.’ Em claps. ‘I think that this means you’re going to have real capacity for empathy and connection today.’
‘So, not just falling in the sea and freaking out then?’ asks Stella. ‘Because that could also be—’
‘Like I said,’ Em interrupts with a sigh, ‘we’re not taking these literally , babes. Have you felt like you’ve been able to connect emotionally with someone today, Jessie?’ She raises her eyebrow at me, triumphantly. Damn it!
I think back to this morning with Luke, how I shared stuff about my parents and how he opened up about his ADHD. We might have known each other for years in the sense that we’ve been aware of each other’s existence, but we only really reconnected yesterday. And yet, already, I feel like I could share anything with Luke, which is unsettling.
‘Erm, I mean …’
‘She’s been hanging out with Luke and he’s about as open as a closed book.’ Stella chortles.
I wonder why I got a different version of Luke to the one his sister sees. I also think that I have got to move this conversation on.
‘Nice colour, Stell,’ I say, watching her pedicurist layer on a hot pink.
‘Thank you, beauty.’ She grins. ‘I’m feeling so summery with this gorgeous weather. What are you going for?’
I gently stick out my right foot, halfway through a coat of deepest red.
‘Ooh! Nice.’
‘Mm, very sexy.’ Em looks at me.
‘So what did your astrology app have to say this morning, Stell?’
‘Oh lord, hang on,’ she replies, pulling out her phone. ‘Here. “Focus on the twin flame in your synastry.” I mean, that’s just a collection of words, right? It literally does not make sense. What is synastry? Sinister, more like.’
Stella makes a ba-doom-chh noise and I start chortling until Em gives me A Look.
‘Actually, Stella,’ she says sternly, ‘this is perfect for you right now. Obviously. The stars know what they are talking about. Synastry is another word for astrological relationships and your twin flame means the other half of your soul. Your stars are telling you to focus on matters of the heart, babes.’
‘Hmm,’ says Stella. ‘Why didn’t it just say that, then? Why does it need to sound so woo woo?’
‘Is there anything “woo woo” in the suggestion that you look at your relationship?’ Em asks, a little sharply.
‘I guess I could call Fran, just to check in,’ Stella concedes.
‘Now that is a good idea,’ I concur. ‘She’ll want to know how you’re doing.’
‘Poor thing. I’ve left her at home dealing with our faulty washing machine while I bugger off on a spa break with you two.’
‘Just let her know how much you love her,’ I suggest.
‘Yes! And that you don’t take her for granted,’ adds Em.
‘I will. As soon as we’re done here.’
Em looks thrilled. ‘See!’ She smiles. ‘My girls are finally getting in tune with the stars. I’m so proud of you both!’
‘Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,’ Stella grunts as our WhatsApps buzz in unison. It’s the hotel’s concierge service, listing all the activities on offer for the rest of the day.
‘Ooh, I might do a sound bath at 3pm,’ muses Em. ‘Will you guys come too?’
‘Hard no,’ says Stella.
‘Are you still sulking after I booked you in with Lycra Leon this morning, babes? Because you’ve got to admit, you do seem so very refreshed.’
‘You’d be refreshed if you were plunged into an ice bath pre-6am.’ Stella tuts.
‘Yeah, I think I’ll give the sound bath a miss too,’ I say, mostly because I do not know what that is. ‘After my brush with death—’
‘Are we really calling it that?’ Em cocks an eyebrow.
‘Must everyone pooh-pooh my near death experience?’ I huff, exasperated. ‘After my brush with death , I’d like to relax this afternoon. And look, there’s a garden party later. Live band, champagne on the lawn, followed by a sit-down meal. That sounds great!’
‘I’m definitely up for that,’ agrees Stella.
We’ve got a university playlist on Spotify and have crowded into Em’s room, where instead of unpacking she seems to have thrown her belongings all over the place. I had to move a bra from the window seat to sit down.
There’s make-up and clothes everywhere and, at Em’s insistence, I’ve got so much mascara on that my eyelashes feel heavy. I swear that every time I blink, I’m causing a cyclone somewhere across the globe.
Stella’s the first to get dressed, stepping into a hot-pink jumpsuit to match her new nails. And with Em’s ‘wear your wardrobe’ mantra in the back of my mind, I decide I might as well chuck my best dress on too. No time like the present and all that! It’s a bronze off-the-shoulder dress that makes me feel quite glamorous. Meanwhile, Em opts for a skin-tight sequinned catsuit. Imagine being the kind of woman who not only owns sequinned catsuits but also has opportunities to wear them, I marvel.
‘Before we go, we need jewels,’ Em says, opening up a small trunk in the corner of her room. ‘Behold!’
Stella and I both make cooing noises as the trunk opens and a kaleidoscope of colour sparkles from within.
‘It’s like a treasure chest!’ I say.
‘A lot of this is my new collection,’ Em says. ‘It’s not out yet but I thought we could have a play around with some of the bits this week?’
‘Play around’ and ‘bits’ aren’t words I would naturally team with the sheer amount of gold, diamonds and gemstones dazzling my eyes, but there we are.
‘Jessie, this for you,’ she says, pulling out a long necklace that matches the colour of my dress. ‘That’s tiger eye,’ she adds, nodding at the gem. ‘Perfs for balance. And Stell, here.’ Stella is handed a beautiful gold ring with a pink gem inside. ‘Rose quartz. Emotional healing.’
Stella tolerates this pretty well, I’d say, while I fix the necklace in place and look in the mirror. ‘God, it’s beautiful! Thank you, Em. What are you going for?’
‘Thought this diamond tiara might work?’
‘No sure.’ I nod as she places an actual crown on her own head.
‘Subtle, right?’ Em grins.
‘You look dreamy.’
The garden party is being held out at the front of the hotel, where just yesterday I was toppling out of Carl’s vomitorium on wheels. The large central pond in the middle of the driveway has been filled with candles floating in white paper bags. On one side of the drive is a great bank of tables and chairs, strewn with flower arrangements, with festoon lights looping from tree to tree.
‘This is not low key,’ Stella murmurs as we arrive.
‘The tiara was the right choice,’ Em confirms, more to herself than the rest of us.
‘Is this just a thing they do here?’ I wonder. A member of staff overhears and explains that Saturday nights will be garden party nights all through the summer. Imagine. Very glamorous people mill about and a brass band strikes up with oom-pah-pah versions of popular songs, so naturally it’s not long before the three of us are in a circle, singing to each other with huge smiles on our faces and champagnes in our hands. I feel a little fizz of delight running through me. To be here, with them? My cup runneth over.
After a rousing rendition of Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’, the band take a break and guests are shepherded over to take our seats for supper. And that’s when I spot him. Not in sports clothes, or wetsuit, or swimwear. But everyday clothes. A dark green linen shirt. Smart trousers. Honestly, how does he manage to look handsome in everything?
Em, taking the seat next to mine, gives me a nudge. ‘Go say hi!’
‘I will do no such thing,’ I whisper, nodding pointedly towards Stella on the other side of the table.
‘LUKE!’ Em shouts over. ‘Come join us!’
His face lights up when he sees us and he’s walking over when something deeply traumatising happens.
Luke is accosted. By ThatGirlWithTheCroissants.
‘Omg, what’s she doing?’ asks Em as the three of us stare over at Luke. Croissants has strolled right up to him and now she’s got her hands on his chest! I can’t look. I stare down at my menu in a stupor.
‘Pretty sure that’s harassment in the workplace,’ Stella fumes, instantly flipping into overprotective big-sister mode. I glance back over and Luke seems to be managing the situation well. He’s friendly but professional as Croissants obviously flirts with him. She’s wearing a cute polka dot mini dress which makes her legs look a mile long, her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail tied with a matching polka dot bow.
‘She looks like a Dalmatian,’ Em says uncharitably.
‘She looks stunning.’ I sigh.
‘Why has she got her hands all over my little brother?’
‘Hate to tell you this, babes, but your bro is super hot,’ says Em.
‘Mate,’ Stella says, a distinct note of don’t-be-gross in her voice.
‘Oh come on!’ Em continues. ‘You Washingtons have got some insane genes, Stella. I mean, look at you.’
Stella pretends to fluff her hair. ‘Fine, whatever, let’s just not use the words “your bro” and “super hot” in the same sentence ever again please. It gives me the ick. Almost as much as watching that influencer flirt the living daylights out of him. Honestly, this happens all the time. I genuinely feel for Luke.’
Argh. Dagger to the heart. It’s as I suspected, of course, but it’s never great to hear that the man you like can’t move for attention. Downheartedly, I cast my eyes back to Luke and Croissants.
‘What’s her actual name?’ I ask, wishing my hair looked that sleek.
‘No one knows.’ Em leans in. ‘It’s a whole subcategory on the internet. She’s a total mystery.’
Croissants is pressing her hands together and tilting her head down as she talks to him, which makes it look like she’s asking him for something. Maybe a date? Luke is obviously the kind of man who gets asked out a lot. Here we are at a spa hotel full of hot influencers, celebrities and crazy rich people, and Stella says he can barely move for being flirted with. He literally just got here and already he’s been cornered by a beautiful, successful influencer.
I bet Croissants doesn’t have to scrub mould off the windowsills in her flat every winter. I bet Croissants doesn’t eat an entire packet of biscuits at the end of a long day at work. Come to think of it, I bet Croissants doesn’t even have long days at work. I’ve followed her for a while now and it seems to me that she spends most of her time gadding about on holiday and then making content so she can write the trip off for tax purposes. And it strikes me now that this environment is normal for her. Not a once-in-a-lifetime trip to a super luxe hotel like it is for me. This is just standard, flirting with Luke is just standard. I know I’m not meant to be jealous, I should be cheering her on for her obvious successes, right? But right now I can’t help but feel a smidge envious.
‘You okay, Jess? You’ve gone a bit … puffy,’ Stella points out, and I note that I’ve balled my fists together in a huff. I’m doing Croissants a disservice, no doubt. Just because I don’t command ￡20k per Instagram post doesn’t mean I should be so dismissive, right? I bet she works super hard and deserves everything she gets and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CROISSANTS, GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY LUKE!
Except, v much not my Luke.
‘I’ve had enough of this,’ Stella says, which is fair because it starts to look increasingly as if Luke would like to escape. ‘I’m going over.’
‘Amazing,’ whispers Em as we both watch Stella stalk with purpose over to her put-upon little brother. ‘Stella’s off to Luke’s defence. You can totally tell that she basically raised him. Good luck, Croissants, that’s what I say! Jessie, you okay, babe?’
‘Oh, you know, fine.’ I sigh. ‘Could do with getting over this crush, but other than that, just peachy!’
Em tuts at me like I’ve said the wrong thing.
‘What? Look at him! Stella said herself that this “always happens”.’
‘I think it’s you who needs to look at him, Jessie. He doesn’t exactly look thrilled about the being chatted up thing, does he? So what if it happens all the time.’
‘But—’
‘Anyway, how did you two get on at paddleboarding?’ she asks.
And I can’t help but break into a smile.
‘Knew it.’ Em grins. ‘Spill.’
‘He’s such a good listener, and he’s got this kind of intensity to him when he’s concentrating on something, and I felt like I could open up to him, but then he’s also got this really light, fun side and he was teasing me about some stuff and I ended up joining in because it felt like we had this connection.’ I pause to take a breath, notice that Emerald has clasped her hands together in excitement. ‘But obviously not that kind of connection,’ I qualify.
‘Nope, don’t you dare. I know you’re about to say that you don’t stand a chance and I do not want to hear it, Jessie. That’s a whole heap of BS and also, so unhelpful to think of yourself in that way. So you can stop it. All right?’
‘You’re quite bossy when you want to be.’
‘It’s great, isn’t it? Yikes, looks like Stella’s sent Croissants packing.’
We watch as the influencer scuttles off with her tail between her legs, Stella turning to talk to Luke now. They’re not that far away but not close enough for us to hear what they’re saying.
Huge sharing plates of delicious-looking things are brought to the table and Em and I hungrily fill our plates, loading Stella’s too.
I track my gaze back to the siblings and spot that Stella’s waving at me, trying to get my attention. Then when she catches my eye she points dramatically to another section of the table, pumping her eyebrows up and down as she does so. Luke and I follow her gaze and I see that she’s pointing out some dude in a polo shirt and chinos.
‘What’s she doing?’ I ask.
‘OMG, that’s Perry Carver,’ says Em.
‘Who?’
‘The footballer we pretended you fancy!’ Em sounds exasperated. ‘Look like you know what she’s on about!’
‘Oh god,’ I whisper, pumping my brows right back because that’s all I can think of in response. I watch Luke’s gaze settle on the footballer, and then come back to me to see my response. Then he does this little nod thing, like he’s understood something. Like he thinks I fancy someone else. OH GOD. I’d race over but I can’t because he’s with Stella and so … how did this get so complicated already? It’s the first full day here! Also, there’s obviously no point because it’s not like I’ve lost my chance with Luke. I know Em means well but let’s face it, I was never in with a chance. The crush, my feelings. They are not mutual.
I watch as Luke says something to Stella and then walks off, leaving me longing to spend more time in his company. I have to stop myself from getting up and going after him. Which is ridiculous, I know. But I just get the feeling that I have somehow been responsible for him leaving.
‘There’s something up with that kid,’ Stella says when she gets back and starts tucking into her food.
‘Oh?’ says Em.
‘He’s keeping something from me, I can tell. I wonder if it’s the move back here. His tennis career ended a few years ago now but I wonder if moving back to the UK has brought it all back for him. You know, like it’s definitely not happening now?’
‘Could be,’ I say, feeling bad that I know about the ADHD diagnosis, which I’m guessing is what’s really on his mind. ‘You should try and get some proper time with him, Stell, while we’re here.’
‘I will. Somewhere Croissants can’t find us. When I went over just now she introduced herself to me as a taste-maker, you guys,’ Stella says, pulling a face. ‘What a twat.’