Chapter 40 #3
They had finally been given back the one thing they had secretly wanted every day.
Each other.
"I'm sorry."
Orm's voice suddenly broke the silence.
Lingling looked down.
"For what?"
Orm lowered her gaze.
"For hurting you."
Lingling's brows furrowed.
"Orm..."
"I know I had my reasons."
Her fingers tightened around Lingling's.
"I know I convinced myself that leaving was the right thing to do. I thought I was protecting you. I thought I was doing what I had to do to save Sean."
She swallowed painfully.
"But reasons don't erase consequences."
Lingling remained silent.
Orm's eyes filled with tears.
"I still hurt you."
She looked at her.
"I left you to wake up every morning without me."
Lingling's eyes began to shine.
"And I made you believe that I didn't love you enough to choose you."
Her voice broke.
"I made you believe that letting you go was easier than staying."
A tear escaped.
"I'm sorry."
Lingling reached for her face.
"No."
"But-"
"No."
Lingling shook her head.
"You don't have to carry all of it."
Orm stared at her.
Lingling's voice trembled.
"I spent years being angry at you."
"You had every right."
"I blamed you for your wrong decisions."
"I hated it when you chose and marry Sean."
"I understand."
"I told myself you didn't love me enough."
"Or maybe you realized it too late and you don't have any choice but to be his wife because you're carrying his child."
Orm's lips trembled.
"And I should have told you the truth aside from that reason."
Lingling nodded slowly.
"Maybe if we had both been brave enough..."
She stopped.
The rest of the sentence died between them.
They didn't need to say it.
Maybe four years could have been different.
Maybe they could have stayed.
Maybe they could have fought together.
Maybe they could have cried together.
Maybe they could have suffered together.
Maybe they could have chosen each other every single day.
Maybe.
But maybe was one of the cruelest words in the world.
Because maybe could describe an entire life that would never happen.
Lingling exhaled shakily.
"How hard was it?"
Orm looked at her.
"What?"
"The four years we're apart."
Orm's expression changed.
She looked toward the window, toward the darkening sky and the ocean beyond it.
For a long time, she didn't answer.
Then she whispered,
"Hard."
One word.
Only one.
But it carried four years inside it.
"I thought I was going to be okay."
She gave a small, humorless smile.
"At first, I convinced myself that I would be."
Her voice became quieter.
"I thought the pain would eventually disappear because I was tied with my responsibilitiies and promises to Sean and to his family."
She looked down.
"I thought if I stayed busy enough, if I worked enough, if I surrounded myself with people, I would eventually stop missing you."
Lingling's eyes burned.
"But I didn't."
Orm shook her head.
"I learned how to function."
She looked at Lingling.
"That's different from being okay."
Lingling's lips parted, but no words came.
Orm continued.
"I woke up every morning and told myself, 'You made the right decision.'"
She laughed bitterly.
"Sometimes I said it so many times that I almost believed it."
Her eyes filled again.
"But then something stupid would happen."
"What?"
"I'd hear a song you liked."
Lingling's eyes lowered.
"Or I'd walk past a café that looked like the one we used to go to."
She smiled faintly.
"Or I'd see someone wearing the same perfume."
Her voice broke.
"Or I'd see something funny and instinctively reach for my phone because I wanted to tell you like what I used to do before."
Lingling's eyes closed.
"And then I'd remember."
Orm's voice dropped to a whisper.
"I couldn't."
Silence.
"I couldn't call you."
She wiped her cheek.
"I couldn't tell you."
Another tear fell.
"I couldn't hear your voice cause it's my fault that we made us apart."
Lingling's breathing became unsteady.
"And at night?"
Orm smiled sadly.
"At night, I lost. I'm vulnerable."
That was the moment Lingling broke.
She pulled Orm into her arms.
Orm immediately buried her face against Lingling's chest.
"I missed you the most at night," she whispered.
"I always read your letter."
"What letter?"
"The one you accidentally left in the office. I picked it up and was going to return it to you but I forgot."
"It was your confession letter. Back in the days we started being co workers."
Lingling nods and held her tighter.
"So it finally reach you."
Orm nodded.
"When everything became quiet, when Liam finally sleeps beside me, there was nothing left to distract me."
Her fingers clutched the back of Lingling's shirt.
"I would lie in bed and remember stupid things."
"Like what?"
"The way you used to steal the blanket whenever we had sleepovers."
Lingling laughed weakly through her tears.
"I did not steal it."
"You did."
"I was cold."
"You always said that."
"I was always cold."
Orm smiled through her tears.
"And the way you complained whenever I took too long getting ready."
"You took forever."
"You loved waiting for me."
"I did."
Lingling's smile slowly disappeared.
"I still do."
Orm looked up.
Her heart broke all over again.
"I missed your voice."
"I missed yours."
"I missed fighting and working with you."
"I missed that too."
"I missed you asking me if I had eaten."
"I missed worrying about you."
"I missed you telling me to sleep."
"I missed telling you that."
Orm laughed softly.
"I missed being your person."
That sentence destroyed whatever composure Lingling had left.
She held Orm's face between her hands.
"You were always my person."
Orm's lips trembled.
Lingling pressed her forehead against hers.
"Even when you weren't beside me."
Orm cried.
"Even when I didn't choose you?"
"Even then."
"Even when I hurt you?"
"Even then."
"Even when you thought I had moved on and have a wonderful life with Sean?"
Lingling nodded.
"Especially then."
Orm closed her eyes.
A broken sob escaped her.
Lingling pulled her back against her chest.
"You were always my person, my Ormy."
And somehow, after four years...
The words still had the power to undo her.
"There were nights when I stayed up late. I just pray for you and your healing."
Lingling thanked her and kissed her temple.
They cried together.
Not the quiet kind of crying.
Not the kind they had learned to do alone.
This was different.
This was the kind of crying that came when the heart finally realized it no longer had to carry everything by itself.
Eventually, their breathing began to settle.
Orm wiped her cheeks.
Then she whispered,
"What happens now?"
Lingling looked down.
Orm hesitated.
"What's our plan now, Lingling?"
There was uncertainty in her voice.
Fear, too.
"I mean..."
She looked away.
"You had a life in Paris, you're an incredible and amazing engineer that Europe admires."
Lingling knew exactly what she was asking.
Not about Paris.
Not about work.
Not about distance.
She was asking whether there was still a place for Orm in the life Lingling had built after losing her.
Lingling gently lifted Orm's chin.
"I still have a few days left on my vacation leave."
Orm nodded.
"Then I need to go back to Paris."
Orm's heart sank.
She had expected the answer.
Still, hearing it hurt.
"I see."
She looked down.
"And I won't hold you back."
Her voice was painfully gentle.
"That's your life there."
Lingling watched her.
"Yes."
Orm nodded.
"I understand."
Lingling reached for her hand.
"But if it's okay with you..."
Orm looked up.
"I want to try us."
Orm's breath caught.
"Try?"
"One step at a time."
Lingling smiled faintly.
"I don't want to make promises we can't keep."
She brushed her thumb over Orm's knuckles.
"I don't want to rush you."
"I don't want us to pretend four years didn't happen."
Her eyes softened.
"We have things to heal."
Orm nodded.
"Yes."
"But I want to heal them with you."
Orm's eyes filled instantly.
Lingling continued.
"I want to know you again."
A tear slipped down Orm's cheek.
"I want to know the woman you became while I was gone."
"I want to know how wonderful mother you are to baby Liam."
She smiled sadly.
"And I want you to know the person I became too."
Orm's lips trembled.
"I would love to."
Her voice cracked.
"Lingling..."
She looked down at their hands.
"I have been praying for this."
Lingling's heart ached.
"For us?"
Orm shook her head.
"For us."
A tear rolled down her cheek.
"Even when I thought there was no chance anymore."
Lingling leaned closer.
"I need to settle things first in Paris."
Orm nodded.
"And then we'll see where this takes us."
Lingling paused.
"But one thing is for sure."
She looked directly into Orm's eyes.
"I am not walking away from you again."
Orm's breath trembled.
"This time, I will fight harder to stand beside you."
Orm cried harder.
"I won't let fear make decisions for me anymore."
Lingling squeezed her hand.
"I won't let distance become an excuse."
Her voice cracked.
"And I won't let another four years pass while I wonder if you still love me."
Orm covered her mouth.
Lingling gently took her hand away.
"I have loved you for so long."
She brought Orm's hand to her lips.
"And now..."
She kissed her knuckles.
"...let me try to love you loudly."
Orm broke.
Completely.
"Not only you."
Lingling's eyes softened.
"But Liam too."
Orm covered her face as another sob escaped.
She couldn't stop crying.
She couldn't believe this was happening.
For four years, she had imagined Lingling coming back.
She had imagined hearing those words.
She had imagined being loved openly again.
But dreams were one thing.
Reality was another.
Reality was sitting beside her.
Holding her hand.
Looking at her as though four years had never managed to erase the love between them.
And now Lingling was telling her that she wanted to try.
That she wanted to love her again.